Purchase and read "Surviving an Affair" which can be ordered on this website, or at most major bookstores. You need to learn about the dynamics of an affair, and how like an addiction they are. They are not, as you currently believe, about love. They are about receiving an illicit "high" from contact with someone outside your marriage, an addiction that will consume your life, skewing your otherwise good and normal decision making process to one that will lead to a horrible downward spiral.
Before the affair, were you an accomplished liar? Would you forgo tending to the needs of your W and/or children before the A? Would you lie and decieve as many others as was necessary to continue with feeding your addiction? Would you ignore all "warning signs" that passed through your head as the affair progressed, knowing that ultimately it would be found out and there would be ****** to pay???
Affairs cause nothing but pain and suffering for all who are involved. If your W doesn't know specifically about the A, but I suspect she does, and you've been as evasive as possible to cover it up, making her doubt her sanity, you need to man-up and come clean with her. You will feel like a heavy burden has been lifted from your shoulders.
Get it out in the open, confess, and ask for her forgiveness. There is no guarantee she'll stay, but most will, if a former wayward spouse will make efforts at fixing what they've done. You will need to be completely open and honest with her and answer all her questions about the affair. To deny her information is to deny her what her life has been about for the past year or better. To release bits and pieces of the truth to her over time is like killing her with a thousand little cuts. For a betrayed spouse, the lies are as hurtful as any of the affair. You will have to become an open book, and regain her trust.
You have a lot of work to do, but start with reading Surviving and Affair. Continue to post here and you will get help, if you are willing to receive the help, and not spend time justifying WHY you had an affair. This is a marriage BUILDER's site, and people here will not condone you trying to justify your affair.
Lastly, have no further contact with the affair partner. Ever. Like any addiction, you will always have a yearning to get that fix. Do it for your marriage, and respect your A partner's decision to get back and work on her own marriage. Friends don't have affairs with friends. Once that line has been crossed, the friendship is over.
Stick around and get some help putting your marriage back together!
Best wishes,
SD
Last edited by shattered dreams; 08/05/06 10:28 AM.
