Had this posted in another room, but they said it should go here to get more responses/suggestions.

Tough to know where to begin. My husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for a total of 5 years. We own a business together with steady employees. No children.

We both have said that it never felt like we were married. We have always spent, especially in the beginning, all of our energy in building the business. It is a construction-industry based business, and he is out a lot in the field, usually out-of-state, and I handle all of the paperwork etc...day to day running of it all. Despite this fact, my husband and I actually met working construction, as hold all of the certifications for our profession as well. Very seldom do i get to go into the field and work...which is in my view the fun part. Im stuck in our office by myself all the time, unless we happen to be slow and not on a project.

All of this sounds bad enough, but wait, it gets worse. A year and a half ago I had an affair. We didnt divorce, but I moved out and bought my own home in the same town. I ended the affair. I felt that it wasnt fair to him for me to stay in his house if my heart or head wasnt in the game. During this time we saw a marriage counselor. I thought it was helpful, but he says it wasnt working for him.

We continued to live sepeartely for a year, with him coming over and staying at my new house roughly 3 times a week. We both really hated the "limbo" of this situation, but I personally did find it helpful to find out what I want, and actually began to like my husband again.

Recently (beginning of July), he told me that he wanted to divorce. I went over to his house to discuss. That is when SHE pulled up. Apparently he had slept with HER in October, and had failed to mention this. It was also the same girl he had automaticlly went to when I initially moved out. It seems he spent the whole fourth of July weekend with her, while I am thinking that he is visiting his sister and mother. The problem with this is that this whole time, instead of "trying" and putting forth an effort, he was cheating on me.

Well, now we are giving it one last try. I do not want to give up, and he doesnt either. In fact, we feel like we never really started to begin with.

He is my best friend. If we cannot save our marriage now, and end up divorcing, then I will end up just going home (my family lives out of state). The business is no longer the most important thing to me. I dont want to do it by myself, and if our marriage doesnt work, then the businness will dissolve.

Its been OK the last couple of weeks. Not great, but better than usual. I want him to either sell or rent out his house (its always been a complete construction zone "fixer-upper" and helped to destroy us to begin with) and move into my house until we can find a new, more suitable home for both of us. He is refusing. He wants to spend 5 nights a week at my house, and 2 at his. I dont see how this is going to end the limbo, and make us stronger.

I recently stopped drinking this week in an effort to help us "make it work". I dont think he believes I can do it, or it just doesnt seem to matter to him that I am putting forth an effort. Basically, I feel like I am putting forth all of the effort, and getting nothing. I think all he wants is sex. I dont really get interested in sex because he doesnt really help me out around the house, is completely unromantic, and I feel like I am doing everything. Between the business, the house and pets, our marriage, its so overwhelming. Tahts why I always drank too much.

I guess I am asking, where do I start? How do we make this work, and not fall into the same old ruts we were in before? I love him dearly, but I am unwilling to put forth all of the effort, with nothing in return. Is it too much to ask to live under the same roof as my husband, and to have him contribute to the household chores? What scares me, is that we dont even have kids. He always says that he feels like I am his mother, controlling him, but believe me that is the last thing I want to do. I dont want to feel like I have to babysit. It seems like its not too hard to take care of priorities (household chores, groceries, dogs, laundry, etc.) before recreational activities. Why do I always get stuck doing everything, while he is either guilted into helping (moping about and angry) or out on his motorcycle etc? Know there are a lot of issues here, but I am really hopeful to hear suggestions. Thanks.

It doesnt sound to me like you are married either. And probably because there isn't any sign of a commitment here. If he did come back what guarantees could he have that you wouldnt' leave again if something better came along? Will you leave again if something better comes along?

A book that might be a real eyeopener for you is Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders by Willard Harley. I suspect you might be in a renters marriage, which won't last unless changes are made. Here is a pretty good thread about it: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0&fpart=1

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doinf some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

I am committed to him and making this work. I have not pursued anything except my husband since I ended the affair last Spring.

If I leave, it will be because we are divorced--not for another man. The affair was not a pleasant experience for me (despite what my husband probably thinks about it). I still cant believe I even did it.

The last couple of weeks with my husband have been really good. I printed out all of the questionaires on this site, and he is willing to fill them out. So we each have our little clipboard of questions to fill out.

I think our problem is that we have been so angry and disappointed in each other for so long that we kinda became numb.

Lately we have been good, because I think that for once we both feel like we are trying. We have actually had pleasant sexual contact. If you knew me, you would know that this alone is remarkable. We used to have sex maybe 6 times a year.

He has also started to not be so pushy with sex. In turn I have really tried not to boss him around when things need to get done.

The tough part is, its only been two weeks of good, and five years of bad. Im scared that it will go back to the bad even if Im trying. I have high expectations in certain areas (contributing to household chores, affection w/o pressure to have sex, spending time with me (work shouldnt count as quality time). And his expectation seems to be just sex. I dont know how anyone can think that its so important. It takes a lot for me to even be interested in it.

The big problem now is the living situation. He has his house, and I mine. He has been staying over a lot lately, but it just bothers me that his house is just out there waiting in the wings in case something goes wrong. It makes me feel like hes not totally ready to really try. I feel like if we have an argument, he'll just go to his house (or ill tell him to) instaed of working through it. I would like to see his house sold or rented so that we can live together. unless we are living together full-time, I dont see how i will be able to see how he is willing to change with domestic duties and time scheduling (priorities vs recreation). Those are my biggest issues with him, and have always been. I believe the affair is over between him and the OW, but I still have trust issues with it. I dont like to be lied to.

What I did was wrong, and I know that it was. But I told him months before I did it that I was starting to have feelings for this guy, and I was suicidal. I felt like there was no way out. Its the most horrible feeling imaginable. Having the affair was the worst thing I could do. I have learned my lesson, and am committed to making it work with me and my H.

Any suggestions on others here who have gone down similar roads? How to not fall into old ruts? How to trust again? How to not dwell on the past?

Have you considered counseling with the Harleys? Do you have his book His Needs, Her Needs?

I think you have taken a good first step in printing up the emotional needs questionaires to determine what each others top needs are. What do you think his top needs are? Are you willing to meet them?


Do you think this is a top need of his? I suspect it is. If that is his need, it is an IMPORTANT ONE [just as important as yours] and it is very disrespectful to tell him you "dont know how anyone can think that its so important." That is a LOVEBUSTER. If it is his need, it is VERY IMPORTANT. Just as important as yours.

I think perhaps he needs to be assured that you will meet his needs if he comes back.

What is the lesson you learned? If I were him, I would shudder to know this, because it would tell me that your commitment to your feelings took precedence over my life and well being and that if you had another "feeling" that you could do this all again. Is he at the mercy of your feelings? That is not a very safe place for anyone to reside.

Edited to comment on this:
What are these "domestic duties" that you are demanding of him? Does he have to change for you? He might not be willing to do that. It might be better to change YOU, since you can't change him.


Are you an alcoholic?

Get His Needs, Her Needs on Audio CD. Take a road trip together and listen to it. Pause, discuss and continue. You both should find it enlightening and go from there.

If I were you I'd also insure that OW is not waiting in the wings with minimal contact btwn him and her. Recovery is impossible with an active affair continuing. He must be in no contact for a least a month prior to the onset of real recovery work. Inspect what you inspect. Snoop.

Mr. Wondering

Waterwoman, have you read the articles on here about emotional needs? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

Here is what it says about them:

"What is an emotional need? It is a craving that, when satisfied, leaves you with a feeling of happiness and contentment, and, when unsatisfied, leaves you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration. There are probably thousands of emotional needs. A need for birthday parties, peanut butter sandwiches, Monday Night Football, I could go on and on. Some have them, some don't. If you feel good doing something, or when someone does something for you, it's meeting an emotional need.

But not all emotional needs are created equally. When some are met, you may only feel comfortable--they make small Love Bank deposits. There are others, however, that can make you feel downright euphoric when met. In fact they make you so happy that you're likely to fall in love with the person that meets them. I call those our most important emotional needs because, when met, they make the largest Love Bank deposits of all. And those are the very same emotional needs that a husband and wife expect each other to meet in marriage. "

Waterwoman,

When I first found this site, I did the same as you. I printed off hundreds of sheets of paper, including the surveys. Even though we had been married about 18 years or so at the time, it was SO eye-opening.

Stick with it and read everything you can from the Harley's. I hope you can have a new beginning with each other!

Okay so I want to know. It is now 10 months since your last post on this thread. BH became WH. Was it a revenge A? Sounds like it. It sounds like he wanted to punish you and I guess he succeeded. But ignoring him for the moment since he isn't posting(?), I want to know. What were your reasons for having the A? Let's start with that.

Are you just staying marriage so you don't lose the business? Assuming it were an amicable divorce, why would you lose it? I'm not suggesting divorce because you have given almost no information. But you did make the comment you would lose everything. What is "everything" in your mind?

Well "trying to make it work" didnt work. We are headed for divorce. I am pushing for a mediator instead of battling it out with two attorneys. We just have too much to lose in a bitter and angry divorce. Has anyone had any experience with a divorce mediator?

waterwoman,

""We just have too much to lose in a bitter and angry divorce.""

From your previous posts I am surprised that it is now "bitter and angry".