All please advise,

I had an 11 month wild affair with a friend of mine who is married.We both knew each others spouses and 5 months back her husband found out about our affair.We haven't met after that and have spoken over the phone just 4 times .
She seems to be more stronger and is trying to hold her marriage together where as i am not able to get over her.

Ofcourse i did something wrong and deserve this but still i just not able to forget her.

What should I do.We both love our spouses but I am just not able to forget our time together...our talks,emails,SEX...WILD sex.....

well, You can help by making sure your wife is aware of it. DId you let her know about the affair? Then, you can also help by informing her husband about the contact you have had with her since - the 4 times.

Finally, you can get over yourself. You aren't all that. You had sex, woopity doo. People do it all over the place, all the time. You don't make her world some big special place. You were just a means to an end. She is demonstrating this to you daily by moving on with her life, trying to restore her relationship with her husband. You say you care about her? Fine, prove it, pack your bags, move to the opposite side of the country, and tell her husband only that you are leaving and terribly sorry for what you did. She doesn't get to know any of it. He gets to know. The only reason I say you get to talk to him is just to give him some peace of mind that you aren't lurking around the corner, begging for a chance to be with his wife. I speak this way to you, well, because, I see you running into her arms at the first opportunity she presented.

You better get yourself to counseling... messing around like you are (yes, just contact is messing around) with a woman whose husband knows you had an affair with her... you are asking for a stint in the hospital.

You need to wake up.

First off, you must tell your wife. Have you done that? Repairing your marriage is the best way to forget the OW.

Secondly, you won't forget the OW until you end ALL contact. You should never be in touch with her again. Ending all contact will give you a chance to WITHDRAW. Once you withdraw you can learn to get what you need from your MARRIAGE.

Poi,

Gosh, wild huh. Lets see what "WILD" can get ya.

For one an STD that is life threatening to you and your innocent wife. Now that's "WILD, eh? What a ride that would be.

Go get tested, for your wife's sake.

Jo

you can come to a infidelity board with a little more sensitivity as to your audience. PA=physical affair... that about covers sex... we don't need to hear that it was "wild sex."

That was not real life... no bills, kids... it was a fantasy and you need to keep that in mind.

Purchase and read "Surviving an Affair" which can be ordered on this website, or at most major bookstores. You need to learn about the dynamics of an affair, and how like an addiction they are. They are not, as you currently believe, about love. They are about receiving an illicit "high" from contact with someone outside your marriage, an addiction that will consume your life, skewing your otherwise good and normal decision making process to one that will lead to a horrible downward spiral.

Before the affair, were you an accomplished liar? Would you forgo tending to the needs of your W and/or children before the A? Would you lie and decieve as many others as was necessary to continue with feeding your addiction? Would you ignore all "warning signs" that passed through your head as the affair progressed, knowing that ultimately it would be found out and there would be ****** to pay???

Affairs cause nothing but pain and suffering for all who are involved. If your W doesn't know specifically about the A, but I suspect she does, and you've been as evasive as possible to cover it up, making her doubt her sanity, you need to man-up and come clean with her. You will feel like a heavy burden has been lifted from your shoulders.

Get it out in the open, confess, and ask for her forgiveness. There is no guarantee she'll stay, but most will, if a former wayward spouse will make efforts at fixing what they've done. You will need to be completely open and honest with her and answer all her questions about the affair. To deny her information is to deny her what her life has been about for the past year or better. To release bits and pieces of the truth to her over time is like killing her with a thousand little cuts. For a betrayed spouse, the lies are as hurtful as any of the affair. You will have to become an open book, and regain her trust.

You have a lot of work to do, but start with reading Surviving and Affair. Continue to post here and you will get help, if you are willing to receive the help, and not spend time justifying WHY you had an affair. This is a marriage BUILDER's site, and people here will not condone you trying to justify your affair.

Lastly, have no further contact with the affair partner. Ever. Like any addiction, you will always have a yearning to get that fix. Do it for your marriage, and respect your A partner's decision to get back and work on her own marriage. Friends don't have affairs with friends. Once that line has been crossed, the friendship is over.

Stick around and get some help putting your marriage back together!

Best wishes,
SD

^bump^

Troll

Seriously! How could you post this here??? Believe me you will not be able to forget the unbelievable pain that you are putting your spouse through by having this affair and you will wish that you could forget all of it. My advice as a betrayed spouse is to go and read "Surviving an Affair" and then come back tell us what you think then.

Your solution is as clear as the nose on your face.

It is time for you to start acting like a man and lead your marriage back to the Promised Land. All you need do is to explore your wants and desires (especially your sexual desires) with your wife.

I need not know who your wife is or if she is receptive to your overtures of “wild sex”. The important fact here is that these are YOUR most important needs and having tasted them outside of your marriage you are drawn to an irresistible allure. Your dark secret destroys and keeps you from that which you most desire.

It will be your wife who can best save your day but you have kept her in ignorance so she has no frame of reference to what is important in your marriage. It is your wife’s duty to help you achieve your most important emotional needs. Yet, she can do nothing unless and until she understands what is important to you. If you don’t tell her she can never know. She has NO chance without your honesty and for that matter your outlook does not look so rosy either.

If you hide your desires under the cloak of your secret betrayal you will be forever cheating yourself out of a fulfilling relationship with your wife. Your act of infidelity has placed you in a terrible mess that’s for sure but it is you who will control how you will recover from your mistakes of the past.

So, as I said earlier, your solution is as clear as the nose on your face. It will manifest itself through your actions of complete honesty with your wife.

You felt prompted to post to this forum so it is apparent that you are suffering in your current state. I have suggested to you a prescription that WORKS.

Marriages that exist in honesty are the most rewarding and fulfilling possible. Although the solution that I have suggested is very plain and simple I know that it will not be easy for you to carry out.

This is your chance to do the right thing and turn a negative into a positive, so act like a man and do what is right.

Mr. G

What you SHOULD do is tell your spouse about this & break off all contact with your affair partner (who-by the way- is NO FRIEND to you at all).

You "can't forget" about THE SEX. Yes-secret / forbidden sex is often exciting, but is it really worth it? Why not try to build an exciting sex life with YOUR SPOUSE instead.

Follow the advice here and perhaps you can regain some personal integrity and honor for yourself.

No Way

I am still in shock and awe about the mentioning of the sex.

You can't forget the sex?

LEMME TELL YOU CAKEMAN FENCE SITTER....I BET YOUR WIFE CAN'T FORGET YOUR HAVING SEX W/THE OW EITHER...IT'S SO DARN PAINFUL YET IT'S IN HER FACE 24/7.

The human mind is an incredible yet stupid organ sometimes dude. I mean, when you first met your W, you two probably had incredible sex too. And you forged an incredible bond w/her...and you had a few years of this fun...and then life became REAL LIFE and real life begat responsiblities...you married, had kids, paid the mortgage, car note, and cooked dinners, diapered babies, had little sleep, and life became LESS EXCITING AND MORE ...WELL...REAL.

That's what happened with me and my NOW XH. Yea. He couldn't control the wanting the wild stuff. And he equated love with that new funny tingly feeling which is A HUGE LIE!

You are addicted to the pleasure centers of your brain and the feel good brain chemicals dude.

You're an affair junkie.

That's all this woman, the OW, represents. What about YOUR WIFE'S EN? WHO HAS BEEN MEETING YOUR WIFE'S NEEDS? HAVE YOU? DOES SHE HAVE DESIRES? DOES SHE FEEL UNLOVED AND UNDERAPPRECIATED? HAVE YOU THANKED GOD TODAY FOR WHAT YOU HAVE...A WIFE AND FAMILY...AND NOT FOR WHAT YOU ARE MISSING?

Do you get it? You are lucky. Your wife CHOSE to stay with you. She could have divorced you. You could have lost your kids over this or saw them fifty percent less. You could be dividing up assets as I had to do and you could be writing checks to lawyers. SHE DIDN'T WANNA DO THAT. Your W must be some kinda woman dude.

And you're here to learn? And to say what to us to want us to help you? To say that you're just not getting over the OW because of the mind blowing sex?

It's mind blowing b/c it is fantasy. It's new. It's not the same old five or six ways you've been doing it for the last several years or how many ways you've done it. It's a new face. It's somebody SAYING THE THINGS that make your brain go "woo hoo". I'ts NOT REAL. It is a lie.

You need to be so damned grateful your W has stayed. Lemme tell you. Being divorced isn't easy. It is NOT what I wanted but I could do nothing with my XWH. He is still a cheater...cheating now on his affair wife from day one since their UNHOLY MARRIAGE. Funny now, but my xh actually said to me last summer that HE AND I had a great sex life...and he realized that after the fact. Funny how the brain works or doesn't work huh?

Also now, I am not so kind to any guy who isn't 100 percent honest to me in dating. I cut bait. I do NOT GIVE SECOND CHANCES. Not now. Not after what I've gone thru. Too much. You should count your blessings and MEMORIZE THIS WHOLE SITE AND ITS ARTICLES and thank God she is not out the door.

Learn BOUT HER NEEDS! LEARN ABOUT HER DESIRES! MEET HER NEEDS AND TAKE THE WORD ME OUTTA YOUR VOCABULARY.

You KNOW WHY YOU ARE A WS...IT'S BRAIN CHEMICAL ADDICTION and a combo of fantasy vs. reality. In the affair world there are no bills to pay, no diapers to change, no lawns to mow, no preganancies to endure (my thoughts on that)with stretch marks, no 2 am feedings, no mopping the floors. Just saying feel good words whispered into the ears of an illicit lover. Just doing what MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD...and yes..

I am gonna say it here.

I've wanted to say it...

AFFAIRS ARE ONLY FOR THE AFFAIREES..IT IS NOT A RECIPROCAL RELATIONSHIP.

It is for the pleasure of each lover SINGULARLY. There is no "we". Why? For when somebody is in affair mode, and being an active WS...it is ALL ABOUT THEM...It's not truly about the OP, or the W or the family...it is about the NEEDS OF THE WS. THE WS INSTANT GRATIFICATION.

YOUR W DIDN'T HERO WORSHIP YOU 24/7. THAT'S NOT HER JOB. YOU WERE ADDICTED TO THE LIES AND THE DECEIT THE OTHER WOMAN TOLD TO GET *HER* INSTANT GRATIFICATION....

JP,

Man you are on a roll!

I just want to say "YEA, What she said!!!"..

JP,

You should be a motivational speaker. You are awesome!!

Can you come to my house and be my private speaker 24/7?

With you around, I'd always feel good!!

Thanks!

To all,

I humbly accept all the bashing that I have received in this forum. May be I didn't use the right words while explaining my agony.
I completely agree, that what we did was something very wrong and I am trying to forget the OW and having difficulty doing that.
My wife is not aware of this affair where as the OW husband knows about it.
I am of the opinion that I should not tell my wife about this and give her all the pain and suffering.I have already started putting in all the efforts to restore my marriage.
Actually nothing was wrong with my marriage .Its my mind that needs some restoration.

We/I didn't plan this affiar.It happened and both of us are feeling bad about it.
Its just that when I see the OW in some party or a get together , my next week goes for a toss. I go into a depression.

I am trying hard to look into the future and put my past behind but finding it difficult and hence posting my thoughts in such forums and reading articles about
“Cheating spouses” and “coping with a cheating spouse”, “surviving a breakup” etc.

Right now I want to be strong enough to say no to the OW, if she ever tries to contact me.

To all,

I humbly accept all the bashing that I have received in this forum. May be I didn't use the right words while explaining my agony.
I completely agree, that what we did was something very wrong and I am trying to forget the OW and having difficulty doing that.
My wife is not aware of this affair where as the OW husband knows about it.
I am of the opinion that I should not tell my wife about this and give her all the pain and suffering.I have already started putting in all the efforts to restore my marriage.
Actually nothing was wrong with my marriage .Its my mind that needs some restoration.

We/I didn't plan this affiar.It happened and both of us are feeling bad about it.
Its just that when I see the OW in some party or a get together , my next week goes for a toss. I go into a depression.

I am trying hard to look into the future and put my past behind but finding it difficult and hence posting my thoughts in such forums and reading articles about
“Cheating spouses” and “coping with a cheating spouse”, “surviving a breakup” etc.

Right now I want to be strong enough to say no to the OW, if she ever tries to contact me.

Thank you for the apology. It is accepted.
Get your W involved in how you are feeling... read everything there is to read here... set up IC and MC.
Remember that an A is like an addiction...remain faithful to NC and it will become easier with time.

Have you sent a NC letter? Make sure to read up on that. Your W is to approve this letter.

Call the Harley's.

Get a MC appointment and an IC appointment set up.

You can do all of this today. Today can be the day you start making your M right and making amends to your W.

I wish you well... and welcome to MB'ers.

I'm not one to bash, poi...I've been where you are...

I wonder if you'd consider a couple things...as I had to...



Perhaps you're focusing on the wrong thing? Maybe "forgetting" the OW isn't really practical...perhaps your focus should be more on putting all that happened with her into proper perspective. There's always a strong desire on our part to just want it to "go away". We think I we convince ourselves it didn't happen or it wasn't real things will ok. That won't work, poi...you have to deal with. First, by being honest with yourself...then your spouse.



Poi, what's done is done. This WILL come out of the bag sooner or later. If you are sincere about saving your marriage, your wife deserves to hear it from YOU...she will respect you far more for that than if she has to find out a year from now from some other party.

Besides, you have violated your marital vow...don't you think she deserves to decide how this affects her life - for herself? If she were a business partner and you cheated her out of her part of the business, don't you think she'd have a right to know?

You say want to do the stand up thing from now on...telling your W and sticking out the consequences is part of that.



Actually there was something wrong with your marriage - YOU! At some point, you stopped protecting your marriage and allowed yourself into situations that left you vulnerable.

As far as your mind...I agree. I can recommend getting into IC soon enough. I waited far too long to do it, prolonging my personal recovery.



This is the first thing you need to address. You have to accept that this didn't "just happen". You need to think about the things you did - or didn't do - that allowed this to get to where it got. You can't heal until you do.

Additionally, you can't get over the OW as long as you have contact with her at parties...this is why it's important to tell your wife. The two of you can devise strategies for eliminating contact. As long as you keep it from her, you'll be forced to go to these events and try to act normal...something your W will pick up on.



You can't look to the future until you're sure of the present. You can't be sure of the present until you've processed the past. You can't sweep this under the rug and expect to heal.

You're not ready to look to the future...yet, you can have hope for the future.



Right now, I can assure you that you're not. You may never be. That's why the Harleys say you have to go to EXTRAORDINARY means to ensure no contact...including quitting jobs and moving if you have to. It helps to think of it like and addiction. Admit you're an addict. Addicts must avoid their drug of choice at all cost...they have to admit it's power over them.

Think about these things. Many here will help you....

Ah.

"It just happened."

Words that are a balm to everyone's wounds eh?



Cop out.

Call it what it was..."We couldn't control our base nature."

We were little more than cattle in heat...

We allowed ourselves to become little more than mindless bacteria in our quests for self fulfillment.

Sounds much better no?