poiuyt ,

I am the one DE is talking about.
I have not seen all your posts so I don't know if you knocked up the OW like I did. Having an OC is all kinds of "extra fun" in trying to fix your M.

Here was the deal for me, and it looks pretty much the same for you.

You are going to have to accept that you W may leave you. I hid my OW and OC for 4 years. I was afaird of all kinds of things. Like losing my son's (COMs). Like "How am I going to live without the OW, Yada, Yada, Yada......"

Finally the day came that I "spilled the beans". It was ugly. I knew I hurt my W real bad. I was CONVINCED that she would want NOTHING to do with me for what I had done.

Guess what? She wanted to make it work. I could hardly belive it my ears.

The big questions rolling around my head was this, "HOW? and WHY?".

Three books helped my W and I answer those questions.
We read them in this order:

Love and Respect
His/Her Needs
Surviving the Affair

In hind sight, I would have started with 'Surviving the Affair'

I think the Harleys could be of help. My W and I did not use them, but I have heard good results from them.They are less expensive than divorce lawyers.

The 2 counselers( not the Harleys) we did see thought my W and I were hopeless. I guess my W and I were not willing to listen to them :-)

There is a good chance your M can survive this. Odds are your W WILL want to work this out. BUT YOU HAVE GOT TO BE HONEST WITH HER AND "SPILL THE BEANS". You can not hide this.

I know in your state of mind that you THINK you are doing the "LESSER EVIL" by staying silent. I assure you, by staying silent, you are commiting the "Bigger Evil".

I know you may think you can not live without OW, I assure you that you can. I thought my OW was my "soulmate". She knew me like no one else, Yada, Yada, Yada.......

Who knows, maybe in a diffenrt situation, something could have worked out. But I was MARRIED to my W and I owed her and myself every shot to make our M work.

It starts with a COMPLETE cut off of the OW. THIS IS THE LEAST PAINFULL WAY TO GO. I was a dummy and kept talking to
OW after D-day. Every time I did I felt the WITHDRAWL all over again.

The withdrawl will last for months. Your going to have to "suck it up" and deal with it.


To late my friend. Now it is time to do the right thing!
You MUST own up to this to restore your M. There is no way around it.

Admitting your wrong doing is your FIRST step to recovering
your M. Trust me on this, I wasted 4 years thinking there was a "better way". My W was miseralble the entire time. I spared her nothing by staying silent. By admitting my GUILT, she no longer had to feel like a failuer for what I HAD DONE.


I have been there. I had several "break ups" with the OW prior to Admitting the A to my W. Right now, you WILL cave.
YOU ARE POWERLESS when it comes to the OW.

When you finally admit this to yorself and the world, then you have a real shot at recovery.

Please continue to post. I will be honest with you, but I will not bash you for the sake of bashing you. I had a ton of bashing on this board when I first got here. I sounded much like you :-)

Sometimes my BRUTAL Honesty will just feel like BASHING :-)

I wish you the best,

TH

Poiuyt

Let's see...

- you want to control your wife's knowledge of you;
- you want to control your marriage to meet your requirements;
- you want to control this forum's response to you;
- you want to control your own urges without addressing why they're there.

See any pattern?

OW = wild sex = out of control.

If you've split yourself in this way, your future will look very much like your past....periods of rigid self-control, episodes of destructive out-of-controlness.

Even your title is about control of information...using six keys in a row tells us nothing about your personality, your sense of humour, your emotional state.

Big life lesson coming up...

Trying to manage your life by controlling others is like keeping your house warm by heating the garden (as someone else wrote once).

Lose control. Tell your wife. You like walking on the wild side after all, don't you...? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

TA

Your marriage will forever be different. You made a poor choice and you need to look inside and figure out why you made that choice. It was foolish. Do you love your wife? Did you think of her? Affairs are selfish. Affairs are like a drug, sure the sex was great. It was forbiddin (sp?) sex, sex in a fantasy, sex that would not have remained that way. Now you have tasted affair sex, the drug that many get addicted to. You will begin to think about it again, you may even have another affair. You will justify your actions. You will hide what you are doing. You won't tell your wife, you don't really want to hurt he, but you have changed your relationship forever with your actions. Gone is the innocent marriage. You have a secret to hide. Secrets take energy, energy that will be sucked from your marriage. Your wife may suspect on some level. You haven't really been there for her during the A. Maybe you even told her all the things about her that you hate. This erodes the marriage further.

Secrets come out. Your best hope is to tell all and tell her you were wrong. Better she hears it from you than from your OWs H.

Affairs are an addiction. Keep reading and learn.

Listen, my H had an affair a long time ago. We have R, but it is hard work. You need to look insde as I said. Maybe IC. If you have children, think about how you would feel if your W married someone else, and they were raised by them and not you.

I wish you luck. I do not mean to be harsh, but many WSs do not realize the damage they have done. It is a LIFETIME change. Your marriage can survive, but any relationship you have from now on will be affected. You cannot just make this go away. It is a LIFETIME change for you too. Sorry, been around for 6 years, I call it like I see it.

If this is what you want to do... then by all means... fight your losers battle alone. Obviously you are not man enough to stand up and take responsibility for your actions. I've given you support on this thread but if you want to victimize your W every day by failing to tell her the truth... well, take that cowards road alone.

If you want help on how to tell her...what to do next to save your M.. well, this is the place for you. If you wnat us to be complicit in your disrespecting your W, you are being disrespectful to this board. Stop acting like a child and be a man.

I can give you some very good reasons to tell your W. Email me... the address can be found on this site and we can talk about it. It really is time to take the next step in your growth.

>I sounded much like you :-)


Who're you kidding TH? You sounded EXACTLY like him! ;-)

Listen to TH P. He is recovering more than his marriage. He has recovered his wife, his life, his family and his love.

- Kimmy

Kimmy,

I never talked about the "Wild SEX" :-)
However, I will admit, forbiddin fruit does have a feel all
to it's own. Kind of like "CRACK", I would imagine. With all of it's after effects.

I know he is struggling, I do hope he comes back.
I want him to feel thier is hope in his M and that he CAN be happy in his M. They both can, they just have to know how.

If my W and I can do it, anyone can!

TH