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Here's our story:

Almost as soon as we were married, I was failing badly at meeting my wifes EN's. She would react to this, nicely at first, but I was hard headed. She began to get very insecure, especially around other women, and often would accuse me of being interested in them (I must be, because now that were married I'm not interested in her). Looking back, I can totally understand how she could feel this way. But I would get very angry about it, and yell at her. I made all kinds of poor choices financialy which put great strain on our marriage. To make a long story short, about a year ago, she confesses, she had become totally over me, that is, she was no longer in love anymore with me.

She began to party quite alot with out me, as I was too tired from a job I hated and stressed about our relationship. She would come home drunk and I would get mad. Of the few times in the last year that she wanted sex, was when she had been drinking and I got made at her for that. She had been wanting a separation for a while. I was a poor excuse for a man, as I was very depressed and was depending on her approval for my happiness (she hated that). I always loved her to death, I just didn't know how to be a good husband.

She would complain that I would never listen when she tells me what she needs, so reluctantly, I gave in to a separation. But I could not stay away or avoid calling, I would weep and beg to be able to come home. In the middle of the night on July 2, I woke up, felt the need to pray for her, and I was quite convinced that God told me to go back home. I did, she was gone for the weekend, but showed up sunday afternoon. She seemed a little miffed that I was back, but we ended up having a decent evening.

I thought it strange, but she wanted to have sex. "Friendship sex" she called it, which I found to be a strange way to put it. She didn't enjoy it at all. The next morning she was acting strange, and then said she had to got out for a while. I got on the computer, and found that she was researching "Plan-B" or after the fact birth control. This scared me because BC was never a problem. I called her and asked her a few questions, last one being , "Have you had sex with another man?" She wouldn't answer. I started weeping uncontrollably and hung up.

She came home and we talked about it. It happened the night I came home! Some stranger in a bar, no protection! She claims that it was the only time it happened although she confesses to wanting the opportunity for a long time. I think that I believe her about this, but she can't garruntee that it won't happen again. Yet she says that if I can't trust her, that I should just leave and get a divorce! She has given up on us but still feels the need for sex. According to her, I turn her off even if she was in the mood! I moved back out for another two weeks, and then felt led to come back. I have read "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" and SAA. We have had what I thought was a good past few weeks, I have been doing plan A, pretty good I think. I have delt with my depression, and am no longer "needy" to her. We have spent alot of time together, having fun, and I have been trying to meet her EN's the best I can. She won't let me meet her need for sex. A couple of days ago, I discovered that she is looking to find a room mate and get an apartment. She told her friend that me moving back here isn't working! She has been asking me for a while to cosign on a personal loan for $1000. The problem is, I owe her $1500! How can I say no, especially since most of our debt is mine, I would be a hipocrite! This morning she was heading out to her parents house, came up told me she loved me and then gave me a little kiss. (what is confusing, is that I don't believe that it was related to the wanting money thing...) She hates telling me "love you". What the heck? I am so confused!

Its hard to know exactly where I should stand right now...

Last edited by elp; 08/05/06 11:00 AM.
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Welcome, elp to MarriageBuilders...I believe this is the place God led you to for your best self-care...

You're reading the books, learning a lot..and feel confused by her choices, actions, feelings and beliefs...

Sounds like a relationship to me.

You're in Plan A...doing the UA time, the RC, a lot of stuff really well...you've eliminated your LBs, found your center and are living authentically, correct?

Are you asking, why isn't it working? Are you looking at the next step, Plan B, if she chooses to move out? You know your choices...not to run, but to stay and fight for your marriage. Your choice to Plan A, to own how you were (which you did really well except for those critical whys you left out...worth posting), and to state frequently, "I don't do divorce. I do marriage."

Respecting her choices as hers...her not wanting SF is about her, not you. Her feelings, beliefs, thoughts and perceptions are all hers...please respect that.

If she chooses to move out, go to Plan B immediately. Prepare your letter now for later...may not need it. She's in a fog of infidelity, full of entitlement, resentment and no respect.

That's not a judgment...it's a condition. What you do is bring her reality, by sharing yourself in O&H statements and listening and repeating when she speaks.

Let me ask you this...would you rather be a hypocrite or married? You owe her money...that's two parts...one that you asked for and one that she gave. Only half is your part. She is asking you to guarantee a loan...and your half is to say no...if you're committed to rebuilding your marriage into a thriving, secure relationship, meeting her need for FS, then can you sign that loan in good conscience, or would it betray what you are doing...which is, I hope, choosing to be dedicated to your personal and marital recovery?

Don't think about where you stand in her eyes...they are hers. Yours is to work out of the enmeshment with her that you're in--being the cause, control and cure for each other, when God didn't design humans that way. You aren't and she isn't.

Focus on you, what you're doing, making and holding to your standards, enforcing your boundaries and living honestly and open with her.

You can do this. Keep posting, replying, questioning, reading all you can and you will find your way through...I know I did.

LA

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Quote
Your choice to Plan A, to own how you were (which you did really well except for those critical whys you left out...worth posting), and to state frequently, "I don't do divorce. I do marriage."

I am willing to divulge all and any info. What specifically are you asking me to post?

Quote
Let me ask you this...would you rather be a hypocrite or married? You owe her money...that's two parts...one that you asked for and one that she gave. Only half is your part. She is asking you to guarantee a loan...and your half is to say no...if you're committed to rebuilding your marriage into a thriving, secure relationship, meeting her need for FS, then can you sign that loan in good conscience, or would it betray what you are doing...which is, I hope, choosing to be dedicated to your personal and marital recovery?

This is one thing that I'm confused about. By signing on the loan I would be meeting her FS need, but at the expense of our marriage possibly, but if I don't, I'm not meeting that need and so will that get in the way of things? I am having trouble discern the best course of action here...

My biggest confusion is been trying to read her, which I probably should not stress myself trying to figure her out.

Here is our conversation from tonight:

WS: So can we go to the bank and get me a loan?

ME: I've been meaning to ask you, are you getting ready to move out?

WS: your always snooping, I have no privacy! nobody trusts me!

ME: Your my wife, you just don't tell me everything right now, so I'm
just trying to figure out whats going on.

WS: were not married, were room mates! Married people have sex! We
just share a bed!

(Any time shes ready I am, Its been too long...)

WS: You'd go on like this forever wouldn't you?

ME:Not forever

WS: I cant make myself love you

ME: Counselors say that it takes about 1 month per year of marriage
for feelings of love to return once I start trying to meet your EN's...

WS: So you started trying in May. thats two months and I don't feel
any different.

ME:We'll actually, I have only been reasonable successfull for about 3
weeks, I was trying back then but there were some big issues that I
didn't realize I had that I annoyed you which I hadn't conquered until recently...

Silence ever since!

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I dont think I should cosign on the loan!

BTW, help with acronyms: O&H and RC?

Thanks

Last edited by elp; 08/05/06 07:16 PM.

BH (me) 29 WW 27 Married 3 1/2 years Speparated June 18, 2006 D-Day July 3, 2006 I moved back in (Plan A began) July 17,2006
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Well, it looks like plan B may be right around the corner. We have been getting along well, but she still feels the need to separate. She has been looking for roomates and is trying to save her money. Her job isn't the most steady. Part of me hopes that she won't be able to afford moving out, but yet I realize that her getting out into the real world may be good for us too. We will see how God works in our situation. Its strange to me how we can be good friends and yet she wants to leave (I think for SF with ONS's!) Thats kinda scary to me. She isn't going to hold out forever, I just hope she can learn to have SF with me before something bad happens.

Anyway, I managed to not get depressed during our more recent conversation about our relationship (which she initiated) and shared how the affair caused me to draw closer to God. She thinks that something "tragic" would need to happen in her life to get her to turn back to God, kinda scares her (and me... but hey what ever it takes!). She's not ready for a divorce, but sees no hope for us, and thinks that I should find another woman.


BH (me) 29 WW 27 Married 3 1/2 years Speparated June 18, 2006 D-Day July 3, 2006 I moved back in (Plan A began) July 17,2006
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Do you guys have a counselor? You could ask her that before any loans are signed or before anyone moves out, etc., that you commit a set amount of time to couseling first. I would say at least 6 months but see if she will come up with a number - even 1 is better than nothing. Then do some intense counseling. The needing sex thing is a cop-out and way-out.


FBW 36 Best help: www.aftertheaffair.net ebook for WS Moving forward with hope!
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We went to one counseling session a while back which I thought was good, but she refuses to go to counseling right now, she feels that she worked at it for 3 years without me responding. She used to read books and seek counsel in trying to fix our marriage, she tried very hard, but got to the point where she couldn't do it anymore, so she gave up. She gets uspet that I would expect her to "change back" after what I put her through (not meeting EN's and LBing)

She seems to have accepted the fact that I won't be signing on any loans.


BH (me) 29 WW 27 Married 3 1/2 years Speparated June 18, 2006 D-Day July 3, 2006 I moved back in (Plan A began) July 17,2006
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Whoa, made it through another day. Came home to find a roommates.com page on the computer. I read her profile. She is open to male (gay or straight) and female (gay or straight) roommates. Kinda freaked me out. I questioned her about it, I'm not crazy over her having a male room mate for obvious reasons, but then again, it would be plan B, which I do not have any control over what she does. She got mad at me for spying again, and does not see what the big deal about having male room mates!!! (duh!!) Especially ones that like to party!

Some of this "fog" talk is so irrational, unbelievable, and so different for the kind of person she used to be, that I can't get my mind around how she could see things the way she does. She said that she hadn't totally decided to move out, but that my "spying" definately would help her make that decision. She say she keeps things secret because she doesn't want to hurt me anymore.

I agreed to stop spying for the time being. I don't know if that was the right thing to do, I was trying to be the better man and give her space if thats what she wants, besides I cant handle what I find out sometimes. Shes gonna do what shes gonna do, and she does not think that I respect her if I spy. I know she cant stay here indefinately if she truly wants to live a different life, it would drive her crazy, yet while she is here, the is the potential for love bank deposits, and her mind to change, so I think I just need to see her as a room mate, and let our relationship develope into whatever it will become.

Its hard to live with a WS, but I know if I want her to become my W again, I have to put up with it for the time being. I want my wife back!!!

Any thoughts???


BH (me) 29 WW 27 Married 3 1/2 years Speparated June 18, 2006 D-Day July 3, 2006 I moved back in (Plan A began) July 17,2006
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She doesn't think you respect her if you spy?

Here's a question - Do you respect her? The way she is behaving now?

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elp,

RC is Recreational Companionship...O&H is Openness and Honesty...UA is Undivided Attention. You can find these under the ENs section...or there is a helpful acronym list in the Infidelity Just Found Out forum near the top.

I think I forgot to ask something important...have you had SF with her since her ONS? If you have, you need to be tested for STDs...and she needs to be, also. Please refrain from SF until you both are cleared...and I think, from re-reading your post, this is really necessary.

I believe you have a WW (wayward wife) which is like an alien abduction...seriously. Look up Orchid's thread for Reverse Babble...I call it listen and repeat with choice...

Here's a bit of your conversation with the responses being for the WW from you:

"WS: your always snooping, I have no privacy! nobody trusts me!

YOU: So you believe you no one trusts you and you don't want me to snoop so I know what's going on, is that correct?"

WS: Yeah.

YOU: Say nothing.

WS: were not married, were room mates! Married people have sex! We just share a bed!

YOU: I hear you saying that sex means you're married? We are married whether you're having sex with other people or not.

WS: You'd go on like this forever wouldn't you?

YOU: I want to have a thriving marriage with you forever, that is correct.

WS: I cant make myself love you

YOU: You're saying you are choosing not to love me now, is that correct? Counselors say that it takes about 1 month per year of marriage for feelings of love to return once I start trying to meet your EN's...

WS: So you started trying in May. thats two months and I don't feel any different.

ME:We'll actually, I have only been reasonable successfull for about 3 weeks, I was trying back then but there were some big issues that I didn't realize I had that I annoyed you which I hadn't conquered until recently...

Using the listen and repeat fills the EN of being heard...which is attention, validation.

O&H statements are you saying "I feel" and "I believe" about your feelings, thoughts and beliefs. Sharing yourself with her. Not to get her to do, think or feel anything...to be known and listen and repeat is to know.

That's intimacy.

When she is angry, acknowledge she's angry...it's hers. You aren't the cause, control or cure for her. She isn't for you.

On MC, I strongly advise you to go, anyway. You can offer and be open to her joining you...you're going to show yourself and her your dedication to changing, learning and growing...for you and to save your marriage. That would be a statement.

In the O&H drive-bys...I would also state your appreciation for all her efforts...ask questions about what she learned that you remember her attempting with you...find the books, have them out...read them...share what you learn and acknowledge her effort.

I asked you to post your whys...why you were hard-headed, didn't meet her ENs, why you'd get angry for her insecurity and yell at her...what you felt and why you gave yourself permission to act that way (react that way)...these are important...you've told her you've changed...it's more powerful to example it and share what you realized about yourself...that goes to protection...not a lot of trust in restraint of reactions--a whole lot of trust in knowing why and choosing not to react but to act in your life.

About boundaries...healthy marriages have healthy boundaries...I really loved "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend...if you're interested.

LA

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I do feel for you and like you, I do wish I could have my wife back.

Eventually your WW is going to make a decision for/against the marriage -- right now she's clearly leaning against. I would just encourage you to hang in there and keep doing the best Plan A you can do. Be consistent. If things have been bad for a year it may take more than 3 weeks to get her to see that you can change (and that you can and will meet her needs). You can't force her or manipulate her to change -- gentle, constant, persausion is your tact.

One thing you have going for you is that she isn't entrenched in a relationship.

Wishing you the best,

- WG


BH 40, Married: 2002, Discovered affairs: Fall 2005, Divorced: Spring 2008

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She offered to have sex about 18 hours after the ONS, so we did before I knew anything about it! Not only was I furious when I found out about the affair, I was furious about her being so careless to put me at risk. I have had some testing and am waiting for time to elapse so other testing will be accurate. She has no interest in getting tested, she doesn't want to know if she does have something. She has no respect for herself right now. A few weeks ago we had SF but I used a condom. She's being thowing that back at me ever since, I told her its only fair, why don't you get tested so we can deal with this issue. I think thats another reason for no SF right now, she's offended, she thinks I find her "groce" right now.

Regarding my past hardedness, I foolishly went into marriage thinking I had things all figured out. I also had been in a church setting for a few years which when teaching about marriage, would emphasize wives submitting, but (looking back) didn't emphasize the "husbands love your wives" part. Everyone told me that women didn't enjoy sex very much (my wife definately did not fall into that category...) and so after getting home from a hard and long day at work, I wanted to retreat to my cave, even though she had been axiously awaiting my arrival and wanted to be romantic.

So when she would react to my not meeting her EN's, I felt she didn't appreciate how hard I work and how much I loved her, so there were times that I'd blow up at her. Ignorance gave me permission to act that way. I can't think of any examples of good husbands that I knew back then...

I was an [censored]... (pardon my expression, but I think its accurate) She got the lefovers of my day, and I had little or no energy by then, So she began to think, now that he has had sex with me, I must not be all that he thought I'd be, and from that came a whole bunch of insecurities, which I would get very angry about when it would become an attack on my integrity and how much I really did love her.

I was very irresponsible with our finances. I would by stuff that we couldn't afford. I brought alot of debt into our marriage. I left a job and tried to start a business, which didn't work out. I became severly depressed, there was a year where she brought in most of the income, which alot went out to pay my debts! She always had low down low paying jobs. I almost always have been able to get a decent, higher paying job if I wanted one, but for a time I didn't want one... that would frustrate her alot.

So there were fights about finances and her insecurities whe she was with me around other women that we'd fight about an a weekly basis for most of our marriage.

I have read the reverse babble article. I'll have to practice RB on my own, I see how it can work, but I'll have to train my mind to react that way, before answering in my typical ways.

Any more thoughts about her privacy right now? One thing that is against us is that she was raised in a ridicously controlling and legalistic environment (i know ths to be fact) and unfortunately, when we got married, that didn't change as much as it should have.

Thanks to everyone for their comments.


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Hey, elp,

I read your reply earlier and have been mulling what to say.

Getting to your whys...well, that's really personal. Guiding to whys is, too. Has my filter fingerprints all over it.

So in your whys...I hear you saying you chose some pretty standards beliefs others had that you took on and kind of filtered them the way you wanted them?

Am I close?

What about the DJ that when she would be upset, you believed she wasn't appreciating your work and your love for her?

I ask because you seem in an altogether different place...and communicating that place in your actions and choices...it's dramatically different enough to be difficult to explain...being able to state how your life beliefs changed, that you know you choose them, and choose them now from your adult experience, not just what others think, is really important somehow.

When we have chosen what we believe based on what others say, we abdicated our choice...and that's scary for a marital partner...feels like whoever is allowed the most influence wins, kinda. This is difficult for me to convey.

You now knowing you choose...you believe what you choose to believe is vitally different than before. Can still be scary until your WW knows you choose from love and respect, don't you think? Now, fog obscures all this--but you've hit on permissions you have and being able to really see them as they are and revoke them would go a long way in your Plan A for being authentic to yourself.

Would you say you expected your WW to show apppreciation and love in certain ways? What are those expectations now?

In the past, her emotions upset you, when she was upset...what is it like now?

And kudos on the testing and acknowledging this consequence she brought into your lives. Stand firm that it is a consequence, not you thinking she's gross...big reality bringer there...great job.

I do see where you are telling us what she thinks and why...can you stick in your head and your posts more to her statements? DJs are so pervasive and under our own radar...getting what you don't know is a choice to stay in reality...assumptions can have quite an impact on your present choices and be very wrong.

You're changing your whole life...owning your own stuff...how marvelous do you feel for that? I think it's huge...

What do you think?

I believe there is no privacy in marriage...when you snoop or monitor, it is for your marriage, not against your WW. What you choose to believe is yours. Won't be wrong, though she may believe it is...going by the adage--no one wants privacy unless there is something to hide.

I know I didn't get that right...and I trust you understand, anyway.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

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My beliefs at the time were pretty "standard" for the circle of friends and churchgoers I was involved with for a few years before we got married. I was a young christian, seeking 'godliness', and made the foolish assumption that these people had the answers to everything because of there devotion to God.

As far as my DJ's, I see it so clearly now for what it was, but back then, I was blind and deaf as to what my wife was getting upset over. I would tell her to be strong, or even one time, to quit being a baby <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> .

Sex changed things. Our dating/engagement was a total of 4 months long. We became romantic very early on. I would say we were more in lust than love, although neither of us could separate the two in our mind back then. We spent every hour not sleeping or working together in each others arms making out. Don't get me wrong, we both felt that the other person met our other important emotional needs.

Looking back, for me the climax in our relationship happened on our wedding night(not that climax, although that happend too...). Up until then our feelings for each other were getting out of control, and we couldn't wait to have SF. After SF, I didn't feel the need to be like I was before we got married, which totaly confused and hurt my wife. When she would reatct, I would DJ. She would try to tell me how I'm not meeting her needs in a kind way long before she would get "crazy" upset, which I would make a DJ and react negatively.

Back then I expected my W to show love and respect by letting me have my time to myself, because I worked so many hours and had hobbies I was really into. My hobbies were all set aside when we were dating, so when I got back to them, there was little time or energy to meet her EN's <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

She would show aprreciation by making good meals, meeting me at the door in skimpy clothes, writing notes in my lunchbox. She really wanted me, and was trying to get me to be who she knew before marriage.

I don't really have expectations now in the current state of things, I don't know what to expect. Don't get me wrong, I feel upset that she is thinking about moving out, that she doesn't appreciate everything I am doing right now and no longer is in love with me. But I helped create this mess, so I try not to show how I'm feeling or make SD's.

When she is upset now, I try to not let it affect me (at least externally), I quiety listen and let her vent.

I forgot to mention, monday night she said that it bothers her to have been a cheat and that she has to live the rest of her life with that. Is it enough to keep her from doing it again? I don't know and maybe she doesn't either...

We had a very pleasant evening together...

Here is a conversation we had when we went to bed, I hope that some of this isn't too descriptive, but I thought it could be relevant:

WW: Whatcha thinkin about?

ME: (oh, I guess I gotta be honest, hope this doesent spawn a conflict)

ME: You

WW: What about me?

ME: I miss making love to you.

WW: I do too... I miss how we used to want each other. I can't have an org--m with you.

ME: can you get there on your own?

WW: yea

ME: So the good thing is that you do have a sex drive...

WW: Good thing? thats not a good thing right now because you can't meet that need. I wish I didn't have a sex drive right now... Guys can always enjoy sex, but women, there needs to be some sort of connection (emotional connection, I'm guessing). We have no connection. When we got married, we both enjoyed sex and that was our connection.

WW:If we both weren't raised to belive that divorce is sowrong, then we would have ended this long time ago

(wow this seems like its the most honest, sincere conversation I've had with her in a long time!)

ME: I think I read an article a while back about how a woman in a simular situation to yours, learned to "want" her husband again, but I can't remember the solution...

ME:love you

.......off to sleep.......

The whole privacy thing is a touchy subject. Atleast as of monday, she didn't see our relationship as a marriage, but that we were room mates, and that I had no business snooping. She is honest about not wanting to be honest, and that my spying is less likely to put her back into marriage mode. She has had people breathing down her neck all her life, she never got a chance to be a free and rebelious teen and learn to make choices and deal with consequences. She was very sheltered and even got a spanking when she was 21!!! I think I should back off a little in this area. I feel more like a parent than a husband. I do think she is trying, but is so confused and wants space to figure herself out on her own. I think she will do what ever shes going to do whether i spy or not, as my feelings obviously arent very important to her. When I uncover something, my opinion about what I uncovered doesn't seem to sway her opinion about it at all... I think I will still keep my eyes open, but I will not go to the great trouble I have in the past in getting info.

Part of this is: it is hard for me to be effective in plan A when I get too upset over what I spied, which up to this point has only been her attempting to make arrangements to move out.

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply...


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BH (me) 29 WW 27 Married 3 1/2 years Speparated June 18, 2006 D-Day July 3, 2006 I moved back in (Plan A began) July 17,2006
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 271
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Well, here are some random thoughts. First of all, I'm glad to hear that you were able to have a deeper conversation about the relationship. When she doubts being able to get over her cheating, that is your cue to jump in and encourage her that yes, together you will. You wrote earlier about how much she did to show appreciation to you early in the marriage (i.e., lunchbox notes, etc...); why not sincerely express how much you wish you could go back to that place in time and work on your marriage. The point is, letting her know that you still do desire the marriage and you do have hope for the future.

You mention her interest in SF and yet not being able to be satisfied. Will she let you just hold her and cuddle?

In an earlier post you mention she had insecurities about you and other women. Now that your marriage is in a crisis, you might be even more vulnerable than usual. Don't give her any cause to worry and protect yourself more than ever from any female acquaitance.

On the money/loan issue. You didn't say why she needed the loan.
And if its too move out, that's not real great. Still, it might be a loving sacrifice if you could be responsive. For example, if you could sell some of the 'stuff' you said you bought that you didn't need -- and give her the proceeds. Or work extra hours for a couple of weeks -- and give her the extra funds.
This could backfire, but it might show some tenderness and selflessness on your part and responsiveness to a request from her. But you don't want to be setting a pattern of 'giving her everything' to try and win her back -- that's not healthy or effective in the long term.

About the Plan-B research. Its good that at least she is able to think some about consequences and worry about fallout. Not much, but better than totally not thinking about them.

Wish you the best,

- WG


BH 40, Married: 2002, Discovered affairs: Fall 2005, Divorced: Spring 2008

Advocate grace daily
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You mention her interest in SF and yet not being able to be satisfied. Will she let you just hold her and cuddle?
sometimes...
Quote
On the money/loan issue. You didn't say why she needed the loan.
And if its too move out, that's not real great. Still, it might be a loving sacrifice if you could be responsive.

I'm glad you metioned it. The loan thing came up again last night. Here is what I remember of our conversation:

WS: You couldn't make it if I moved out could you?

ME: I could

WS: You barely can pay the bills on time now without my help.

ME: I've already paid you back part of it. (I borrowed $200 on monday) I can give you the rest right now if I have to...

WS: How are you going to make the car payment then?

ME: I'll find a way.

WS: What about that $1500 you owe me?

ME: I told you that I would be responsible for the $1500 on the credit card, so you wouldn't owe that and I wouldn't owe you

WS: That money was for me to fall back on. I want to take classes this fall but I owe all this money to financial aid because of the classes I dropped. (A large portion of her savings which ended up getting spent was actually financial aid money). You have alway relied on my money. I don't know how you survived before we got married.

ME: I was very irresponsible with my money even then.

WS:I feel like you have taken advantage of me for the last 4 years!

ME: I can understand how you feel that way.

WS: You won't even help me get a loan. I got us a credit card a while back to start building credit (she has none) and you used most of it up! (it is in BOTH of our names, no excuse though), now I have nothing to fall back on. I feel you owe me.

ME: I do... thats why I have been patiently trying to serve you. I made your life miserable, I owe you alot...

WS: Your not wanting to help me get a loan is making me more independant, and I'm starting to like it... I'm finding a way to get it on my own.

ME: I'm sorry for what has happend, I'm just confused right now, I'm really trying to do the right thing.

WS: You only care about yourself. Your still trying to control me. Do you think that I'm going to move out using a loan? I could do it without that. But I want to go to school, and I can't as long as I owe them money...

ME: I'm not trying to control you. I really want to do the right thing. I'm going to pray about the loan.

WS: its always about you and what makes you happy. You don't care about me...

ME: I'm sorry you have to understand, I'm confused, I'll be praying about this

ME: Here is the $100 I owe you, I'd feel better paying you now.

WS: What about the car payment?

ME: I'll have the money on friday...

So I'm kinda leaning towrds helping her, but will be praying about it thoughout the day...




Thanks again...

Last edited by elp; 08/10/06 06:38 AM.

BH (me) 29 WW 27 Married 3 1/2 years Speparated June 18, 2006 D-Day July 3, 2006 I moved back in (Plan A began) July 17,2006
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 271
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 271
For what it's worth, I'd tend towards helping her. Loss of money (or increased debt) is not unimportant, but your marriage is worth a lot more than that. Besides, a divorce can really cost.

Could she take the money and use it to move out. Sure.

But she gave you a plausible reason (school - which I assume starts soon) and you admitted a history of less-than-stellar financial responsibility. Even if she wastes the money, you can hardly blame her as you've done the same thing.

One of the external circumstances that led to my WW's affairs is a lack of structure in her life. For a while she didn't work, didn't have to care for young children, and stayed around the house and moped. After 4 months she found another job and that has been a benefit to her psyche -- she is more productive, its a confidence builder, she meets other people.

You really don't want to control her. Even if you might reasonably worry about her meeting potential OP at school, she's really going to have to make her own decisions and you've got to learn to let her. Helping her continue education seems to me to be thoughtful and caring. If you end up apart, it will be a benefit to her in her future (and possible less financial support from you, if that's an issue). And hopefully that won't happen and she'll be more satisified and self confident from being able to pursue her goals.

Just my $0.02,

- WG


BH 40, Married: 2002, Discovered affairs: Fall 2005, Divorced: Spring 2008

Advocate grace daily
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