Hi, I have been reading these posts for days now and it is helping me but I do not know what to do with my relationship. I was hoping that someone might be able to give me some insight. I'll try to be as brief as possible: We've been married for 2 years. We always got along well, we were affectionate, disagreed but never argued. 9months in I had an unplanned pregnancy. and things went fine during the pregnancy and we had a very happy beautiful girl. I always trusted him completely, never felt insecure or jealous. 2 months after our daughter was born I started to have a weird feeling about his female friend who I had always known about and had never bothered me before. So one day when his phone rang I answered it then went into his text messages (which I'd never thought of doing before). I read the messages between them that day and they were very inappropriate and sexual. I freaked out (I just had a baby and was emotional). He swore up and down it was just a joke, just a friend but offered to stop speaking to her immediately to ease my mind. However, texts kept showing up and I got the phone bills and saw that they were talking 2-4x a week still. Confronted him and again agreed to stop and did for about 2 months but just told me he had started talking to her again for the past couple of weeks. Found out about times they met in the past that I knew nothing about. Just a few weeks after this started, by looking at the phone records I found out about a girl from work that he had been talking to daily including on Valentines Day when he left me to run to the store. He hid this from me despite the fact that I told him how much I didn't want him to hide things or lie. I had no problem with friends but I had a problem with secrets. He didn't admit it until I told him I read over the phone bills. Again, just a friend, nothing going on but at the same time this is going on he went 6weeks without wanting to sleep with me despite the fact that we usually sleep together often even when I was 9months pregnant. Admitted to meeting her outside work 4-5 times to help her with her car .
Then I find out, by looking at the bills that he has 2am phone calls to a girl he only mentioned to me once but swore was always just a friend but it turns out they were sleeping together right before he met me. Then there's the old neighbor he would never want to date but talks to on the phone, turns out they slept together for three years which overlaps his last long term relationship before me. He still lies about this one. There are a lot of other things that have me feeling sad but I don't think I can keep typing forever. I did find a receipt for a massage place (getting a massage isn't a big deal so why hide it?) that he went to and before he knew I found it he told me how his friend used to get "personal" massages there. I do not know what to do. Reading this myself it seems so obvious to face reality but it's so hard when someone you love and trusted keeps telling you it's nothing and always has excuses that make you second guess your own instincts. I guess I need a wake up call or some kind of direction because I'm lost and so confused. I greatly appretiate it if you have read this and hopefully you can offer your opinions. Thanks

I am so sorry youare hear. I can read the pain in your post. (((KSMOM)))

Have you read surviving an affair? Please read it and the articles on infidelity here on the site.

I would suggest that you get to marriage counseling as soon as possible.

You could call Steve Harley at Marriage Builders.

Keep reading and posting (but please use paragraph breaks- it really helps the older eyes on here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

it will always be nothing so you have to try and get some proof do you know how to do this
?

Moveforward,

Thank you for your response. I have started reading articles here on the site but I find it hard to start looking at healing when he won't acknowledge a that something happened.

Sorry about the lack of spacing. I tend to type the way I talk-I just ramble on and on. Thanks again.

It sounds like he might be a sex addict. All the lies are a HUGE RED FLAG.

I for sure wouldn't have any more babies with him.

Valentines Day is a big day to catch cheaters. It seems they cannot stay away from each other on that day.

jm75,
Thanks, and I have read a lot about getting proof but with him I'm not sure how to start. I don't really want to tape record him or use tracking devices.

I don't know what to do because I now see that he's unlikely to ever admit to anything unless caught and I need to know.

Believer,

Thank you. I know it seems so hard to believe people can be so different from what you think they are. Trust me, we won't be having any more children.

Dear Ksmom,
Welcome to MB.
I'm sorry to hear you are in such a bad place right now, especially with a little baby.

Your story reads like mine.
My husband denied everything until I had proof.
He started going to prostitutes when I was pregnant.
Later he also had an affair with my best friend.
He also chatted with women on the internet, all "just friends", of course, who all happened to look just like the sort of woman he would be interested in in normal life.

A lot in what you write is "big red flags" to me.
And you are right - when you don't know what is going on (and your husband will deny deny deny of course) you cannot heal.

At this point I can only give you the advice my counselor gave me: your "radar" is working overtime right now, so you will pick up on anything when your H (husband) crosses the line. If you have real proof he is the one who will get a wake up call. Until then.. he can try to get away with denying, and you can try to get him to confess. But in my experience WS (wayward spouses) feel it's so much easier to lie and deny than to face up to the truth.. They tell the BS (betrayed spouse) that he/she is "crazy" and "imagining" things...

I hope some other posters here with experience in your particular situation (no evidence or real proof to confront WH with yet) can offer you some practical information.

Keep posting here dear ksmom.

Brownhair,

Thank you so much. I feel exhausted because my "radar" is working so hard. Thanks for taking the time to read this and sharing your own experience with me.

Why do you not want to tape or track him?

Do you feel as if you are betraying him? You are not. You are protecting yourself and your marriage by doing it.

Can you get into his email accounts? You will often get a wealth of information there. If you do not know his passwords, you can install a keylogger to help with that.

Moveforward,

I really don't think any snooping I do will betray him believe me I've done a lot. I don't know why. Maybe I just keep wishing he'd tell me himself and I don't really want to hear it that way. He rarely uses the computer and I do have his email password because I set it up for him-there's nothing there. I also have a keylogger but he's not using the computer. It's the phone and text messages. I guess I still feel like if he could be honest on his own that would be better but I am at the end of my rope so I'll probably do something. Thanks

Moveforward

The thing is I hate all the lying and secrets and now I feel like in some ways I'm the same because I have to lie and keep secrets to snoop and that isn't how I want to live my life. I'm not sure it's worth it but at the same time I really want to catch him.

ah, I see now.

Aliens in the fog do not speak the truth.

The only way you will get the truth is to uncover it on your own.

It sounds like a recorder may be a good option for you. Place it in his car where he can not find it.

Does he go other places to talk on the phone? Say if he goes to the den or bathroom to hideout and talk, you might put one there as well.

Just thinking here, but since he says there is nothing going on, he should have no problem stopping the relationship. Have your Read His Needs Her Needs or Surviving an Affair? It seems he is really having an issue with old lovers. Dr. Harley recommends never being in contact with old lovers.

Will your husband read books? Maybe you could read his needs her needs together?

Since it is 'nothing' ask him if he will agree to no contact and write a letter to each of them stating that he will not have contact.

If he agrees, then he writes the letter and you read the letter and mail it.

He will then need to be an open book to you- you will have access to his phone, his messages, etc.

Hang in there

If you want to save your marriage- it is worth it to do the snooping.

I found out about the P's from a VISA slip with an amount and a date & time that just didn't make any sense. Something just went "click" in my head - I confronted WH immediately and he went pale, because he never thought I'd find out.

When I later on checked his bank statements I found many more similar payments to the same place (who'rehouse, the expensive kind).

I found out about his A with my best friend in a way you cannot believe. He made a video of them going at it - and left it on his pc, on the main screen, when he went out. It was just a little pic on his screen, not very clearly, and I never looked at his screen but somehow I got drawn to it, clicked it, and got much, much more than I asked for.

After I confronted him with this he ended the A.
We tried to work on the M.
Well, I did, for him that all was too much trouble.
He simply "wouldn't do it again" and "was very sorry" and that basically was it..

At this point, my counselor told me about the "radar" thing.
My radar told me something was off.
6 months later I found out WH had set up a meeting with one of the women he was chatting. They were "just friends", of course.

A year later I wondered why he had torn up his VISA statement. I put it back together and found the name of the who'rehouse again...

Since WH wanted no counseling and no therapy for what seemed to be a sexual addiction, since he "wouldn't do it again" (again being the key word)...
WH now is XWH.

Learn all you can on this site.
I was already months past d-day before I found MB, and lost a lot of valuable time trying to figure out things myself.

Moveforward,

I seriously doubt he'll read the book. He thinks nothing is wrong and though he was calm and supposedly "open" in the beginning he is starting to make it seem like I am crazy.

I've though a lot about taping him but it's hard because he switches cars all the time. All the phone calls have been when he's at work or away. Magically, the phone doesn't ring when he's with me but it's not turned off.

For a while when he was talking to the coworker (who is 13years younger than him) he would keep his phone on him all the time, put it on vibrate and even take it when he took a shower. He has stopped doing that probably because he knows it made me suspicious.

There are other things like 2 phone numbers I found from females, a note from a girl while we were dating which didn't seem innocent and old condoms which could have been bought right before we met but why save them in the glove box of your new truck that you bought after we were together. It all sounds so silly.

He didn't have detailed billing but agreed to have that changed and the next bill should have all calls on it. He says he'll give it to me but has said that before and I had to get them myself. I won't do that anymore.

Brownhair,

Thanks. It helps to hear that I'm not alone. When I asked him about the massage place his face fell and he acted really defensive. He still denies anything happened there-it was just a regular massage. Who hides the fact that they got a massage?

He swore on my life nothing happened but I saw the way he looked when I confronted him. I'll keep reading on.