Do you call "it" an affair, if you husband has moved out and continues the relationship with the OW and you both are still married?

I've had people in my life correct me and say he is no longer having an affair as we are separated, that she is his girlfriend and he's in another relationship. In my mind, he is still having an affair!

thoughts?

Yes, it is an affair. And, from a legal standpoint (at least in my state), it is "an adultrous relationship", and is grounds for D (not that it matters much what your grounds are).

Evem legally separated is legally married, and it doesn't sound like you are legally separated.

And those "people in your life" are not "correcting" you, but disagreeing with you. And, in my opinion, they have a very warped idea of marriage - or rather disgregard it altogether. If I was in your situation, I would avoid those people. Find some friends who believe in marriage.

Do you have any kids?

-AD

He is married. It's an affair.

Stupid people will tell you that being separated makes an affair ok. Very stupid people.

By law he is legally bound to his marriage until there is a decreed divorce. Morally and ethically ties him for even longer.

Now what do you think about this?

L.

in my mind, if you are not legally separted yes he is having an affair. in my state, if he left you and there is no legal separation, you have been abandoned and yes he is carrying on an affair.

i am still legally married but we have a legal separation. my ex lives with ow. he is no longer legally here having an affair. he is free to do as he now wishes.

mlhb

That is exactly what my WH is doing! He is living with OW.

Yes, IMO it IS an affair.

We are still legally married. Any other relationship until the D is final, is an affair.

Anyone that says to me his "girlfriend" is quickly corrected to his "mistress".

Most definitely it's an affair...

Mrs. W

It is an affair.

It is an affair in reality. That is not a matter of opinion, but a matter of TRUTH.

My H tried to use that when we seperated. "Well, technically, I'm not having an A, b/c we're seperated." He slept w/her AFTER he moved out. Guess what? Still an A. He even admits that now. Don't let anybody tell you different.

Thank you all. When something like this happens in your life, you really truely find out who the "true" people in your life are.

got the nicest surprise the other night.....watching a movie with my young son (10 yrs old), and in the movie the couple was separated, but were "seeing" other people....he looks at me and says....THATS JUST WRONG, THEY ARE STILL MARRIED.

well people, if a 10 yr old little boy gets it........lol

mlhb - so a legal separation is the same thing as divorce?

WAT

Yep, affair.

A rose by any other name ..........

Or, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck........

If the WS isn't in the position to marry the other person, then he/she is still married and it's the big A.

Ain't that the truth, nikko?

This topic has been discussed here often...

... the answer never changes...

Society-at-large seems to have grown more accepting... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I've tried to explain my situation (met my current H before the divorces were final) and the problems with guilt, rebounding and baggage to a couple of women I've met at work (one dating, no papers filed yet... the other separated for eight years but not divorced and living with someone else)... neither one seems to give a darn what I have to say. Nice women, too... just don't get it... and NOBODY else is saying what they're doing is wrong.

In my case, very, very few people said it was wrong, to be honest. Perhaps because our prior spouses had moved in with or were seriously dating others; and there were separation agreements filed.

But *I knew* it was wrong and did it anyway. And I have lived with (and will continue to live with) the consequences.

The biggest problem, aside from the legal/moral issue, is that you don't have the time you need to heal ALONE.

Just as there is a big difference between living with someone and being married, there is a big difference between being separated and being divorced.

I'm not sure I understand this correctly.
As long as the D isn't final, it's an A?
Once the D is final, it's ok?

So if the ex agrees to a D, although he/she feels bad about it, and the D becomes final in a few months...
The person who wanted the D is free to start a new relationship and this is not an A.
He/she might be very selfish idiots that leave a gentle, caring person behind with some kids.
But hey - the D is final, all is fine!

If the ex refuses to D.. not for love, but for selfish intrests such as money, pride.. or keeps asking for unreasonable things in a settlement, and drags the D on for years and years out of spite...
The person who wanted the D has to put his/her life on hold until the D (10 years later..) comes through?

Don't get me wrong..
I think it's very wise to not look for a partner or start an R when you're on the rebound..
I think a D that is still dragging along is a heavy burden on any new R.

But I can very well imagine myself in situation #2, where my XWH could have insisted he wanted me back.. that he would have refused to D.. So then I would have to put my life on hold for him???
Even after say 2 years of living apart and self-recovery?

Hi brokeshop,
I'm glad you received some useful responses. You can probably guess my thoughts on the subject so... I just wanted to provide you w/ a link to my post.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showthreaded.php?Cat=0&Number=3059946&page=0

I tend to seek out people who are separated as I think we have unique situations and pretty risky scenarios since WS is out of the home. Please let me know your thoughts!

Hang in there.

Blessings,

nordstrom

In my state, married is married. Legally separated is married. Divorced is not married. Widowed is not married. Never married is not married.

Married = Married
Divorced = Not married

Either/Or

Brownhair,

I know that difficult situations can arise, but yes, if you are married, you are married - whether you like being married or not - whether or not you have made efforts to end the marriage.

I'm sure Belgian law has it's own peculiarities.

Here, where I live, the worst case might be 2 years to get divorced from an unwilling spouse.

But what else would you have us say? Almost every person who has an A says "I'm in the midst of a divorce". Just waking up one day and not wanting to be married doesn't make one unmarried.

The fact that divorce takes some time is a very desirable thing for the sake of society in general. In my opinion, the most important function of marriage in society is to create a stable framework in which children can be raised.

A person who is not free to marry, should not, in my opinion, be dating.

-AD

In that case, of course, I can agree with everyone here.
A 2-year time frame is what a person needs (I'm speaking from my own experience here) to get yourself in a good place anyways, to deal with the old demons and not bring them into a new R.

Belgian law has changed but only recently, and there are some horrible stories I know of where an unwilling spouse drags the D on and on out of spite/financial reasons. I'm talking 5-10-15 years.

Not an X until a D. Legal sep is not an excuse to continue cheating.


A NEW R.? Not an A after D. Not an X until a D. So what then are the GROUNDS for D? Certainly not uncontested? Adultery leading to cruel and inhumane treatment is grounds. Then, should A continue, it is what it is: filthy and wrong built on lies and deceit.