I have an acquaintence who is involved in several A's, more ONS's than anything & I would like to expose to his W, but as I lack in this department, I was hoping some of you would be able to help me compose a letter. I do not know his W & I barely know him, but their address is available in the phone book & I do know his last name.

It just really hits home for me to see him galavanting around w/his "mistresses" each time I see him & then when he knows he's going back home, puts on that *sigh* look & says, "Guess I'll go home to the W." It really irks me bad. I've had several talks w/him to no avail. He is waiting till December to leave as then he'll be done w/school & he can "move on" w/his life.

I see that he's unhappy & I have talked to several people, you know the "gossip trail" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> who say that his W is a total *b-h*. Of course, I'm not too naive to know that this is all one-sided & as we all know, sometimes happens in the best of M's, so I'm not relying on anything the "gossip trail" says. His W has a right to know what he's been doing on Tuesday nights (when I see him at least). Then she can make an informed decision. I've even told him several times that he's "lucky" someone hasn't told his W already. He says, "She wouldn't care." Boy, do we know better! Granted, she might be a *b* & not give a darn, but she still needs to know. I made the mistake of not telling the OW's H about my H's & the OW's A; I'm not going to make the same mistake twice. I can't sit by & watch as she lives a lie, even if I don't know her.

Now, can you guys help me draw up an anonymous letter? Would this be a good option?

Personally, I am not a big fan of anonymous letters because then the BS and the WS cannot know to whom to credit this exposure. If a letter comes anonymously, it is too easy to dismiss as some crackpot who is simply trying to stir up trouble. Not so easy to dismiss, though, if you sign your name to it and STAND behind every word.

There is also the issue of follow up questions. If you send an anonymous letter, the BS will not be able to contact you to get further information. I think that is very important. And lastly, if you do expose to him, you might want to send her here so he can get some help.

God Bless you for thinking about her welfare. I shudder to think of the STD's she is exposed to with such a galavanting H.

MelodyLane,

I knew you'd be the first to chime in! You had insisted on me telling the OW's H & I believed my H when he told me that the H already knew. I should have listened to you THEN (yeah, I deserve a big slap!!! LOL) so I am taking what I've learned & helping others w/it. I'm a big fan of exposure BECAUSE I didn't do it myself. If I would have, who knows, I might have had my H home sooner than when he did come home. Hindsight is 20/20 after all.

I do not know the personals of he & his W's history. I do not know exactly what those marital problems are. All I see is him w/his wedding band on, him out hitting on the single girls at the bar & I know the OW has recently gotten D'd. She was in the process of her D when she met this guy. She knows he's M'd, as does the rest of the bar attendees. This is a family type establishment so everyone knows everybody else so of course the rumor mills are flying. Everyone seems to be against it & talking about it, but no one has had the kahunas to tell his W. They all say she's a witch & are waiting for him to "get rid of her". I did talk w/him about M counseling. He says that she doesn't want to do that. He's offered & she's denied the help. That she "can't stand the sight of him". I told him if indeed that is true, & it just might be, I'm not denying that, then he should really be thinking of taking care of himself & his kids & after he is D'd from this horrible "witch", he can pursue a R w/someone else honestly. He laughs at me. Seems he wants to get his ducks in a row before he takes the step to leave. Makes me want to puke. I have an inkling that things aren't as he paints them to be. We all know this. We've all been there. The WS re-writing history to make it seem as if they're justified.

I was thinking of including everything I know. If she would have any other questions beyond that, I truly wouldn't be able to help her since I don't know him very well. I do have the OW's name, the bar we frequent & what days he's there. I do see him slow dancing w/her & singing love songs to her ( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) when he sings karaoke. It's disgusting.

Do I get more information before I expose to his W? I hate to go in blinded w/o having all my facts straight. Then I'll look like an idiot if things aren't the way I paint them. I was thinking just give the facts that I do know & if she wants to investigate further, she can do that. How do I proceed w/it?

ST, exactly! All you can do is tell her what you truly know and then it is up to her to investigate further. The facts that you do have seem to clearly paint the lifestyle of a player.

My hat is off to you for caring enough about this lady to tell her. There may not be any follow up questions, but please consider giving your name so you will be available to help this woman afterwards. You have invaluable experience that could be of great worth to her.

And yes, I remember how you told me off for pushing exposure! lol You have come a long way, baby! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You are a good person, ST, and I would be proud to have you for my friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Aw shucks, Mel, now don't go getting all mushy on me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Since the #'s in the book, is it a better idea to call her when he's out w/his OW & tell her then? That way we can actually talk.

Good idea!

And don't tell anyone ya saw me get mushy! I just love a BRAVE PERSON who has the courage of their convictions. It makes me all mushy inside, truly! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

if his wife loves him and really doesnt know, then make sure you do it with proof.
even the wimpy "anonymous letter" would work.. IFF it is provided with specific dates, times, and photos of him kissing various girls repeatedly.

Dunno if you wanna go that far. but if he's that far out there, it might help cut through the crap. hard proof is useful, not just to help the wife believe, but so that she has something to confront HIM with, when he denies everything.

[course, there's a teenytiny chance that she doesnt actually care, and they are expecting to divorce for some reason. which would be sad. but I respect your thoughts and efforts to cover the more positive(?) possibilities]