I was a regular on the MB forums around 6 years ago, when my WH had an affair. Since then, we were in 'recovery', and doing OK, but every year my husband went into a sort of depression/fog again, which was becoming harder and harder to have the patience to deal with each time it happened. Anyway, to cut a long story short, he continued to work with the OW (which didn't help matters), but she stayed with her husband and they now have 2 kids together since the affair. Things between my WH and I have been difficult for the past 2 years, as I have been in nursing school (my WH's idea - not mine), which has taken up most of my time and left little time to give him the attention he needed. Last week, I finally confronted him and he admitted that he wants to separate/divorce. He says there is no OW involved, just that he has not been happy for the past 2 years and wants to see if he can find happiness before he 'gets too old'. He wants to be as helpful and as 'kind' as he can, under the circumstances, and has promised me that he will be fair and look after me and the kids as much as he can, financially. I believe he will do this - he's a good man at heart, and he says that he loves me - just not as a husband should love a wife.

We've been together now for 24 years, married for 22. I have never even looked at another man, and still love him deeply, despite everything he's put me through. He is still living in the house, but has moved to the guest room in the basement - he says that we should take things slowly to give me a chance to get settled into my new career as a nurse, and to give him a chance to 'think' - although he is talking about divorce as though he has already made up his mind.

I'm not sure what to do - my heart still loves him and I can't bear to think of being without him. My head though thinks of all the hurt he's put me through - both 6 years ago and now - and is telling me that 'enough is enough' and it's time to move on....but I don't want anyone else. I'm also scared - I've never lived on my own, or supported myself before. I've been a SAHM for the past 16 years and have never had to work to earn a living - the whole prospect is very frightening right now, but I think I can cope with it.

In the meantime, WH is being really nice and trying to carry on life as a 'normal happy family' as much as possible for the kid's sake - but they are not stupid, and it's affecting them badly (they are 16 and 10 - both girls).

I'm confused as to what to do, and really need some advice. He's already taken off his wedding ring <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Paint.

Hi Paintbox. I read some of your previous posts. I'm sorry to see you here again under the circumstances you're sharing with us now.

Just some thoughts. Your "recovery" was never a true recovery since your H continued to work with the OW. Another poster at the time pointed out how your H urged you to start nursing school, yet the time required for classes and studying directly conflicts with your ability to meet his needs. It certainly did seem like he was sabotaging your efforts.

Should the worst happen...divorce...and I certainly hope it doesn't, I think you'll be surprised at how much easier, in some ways, your life will be...even working full-time. I think marriage counseling is necessary to get your marriage back on track, since it seems you've been doing the majority of the "relationship work" for years if not the whole marriage. Would you agree?

From your prior posts, I gather some of his reasons for suggesting you work toward a job in the nursing field were financial - savings, retirement, college for the kids. As part of your campaign to restore the marriage, you might tell him being together with more money from your added income makes those things possible - it will be a different story should you divorce...two households to maintain, child support most likely coming out of his salary. I do wonder if his insistence that you become employable is directly related to his affair fog which has never been fully severed appropriately.

I am concerned that he doesn't lift a finger to help you with household chores, that bit about him announcing that a friend and new wife would be spending their honeymoon week at YOUR house (??!!!!??), and him wanting sex 2 or 3 times a day. He must have a Wonderwoman expectation. Exactly what is he providing in return? Are you happy if you do get the marriage back on track, but in no better state of repair than it has been?

Towards the end of the past 6 years (actually before that), I did get burned out with all the constant giving - and never receiving much back from him. I certainly don't want the marriage to continue on that basis, things definately need to change. I have asked him to consider counselling, but he says it is too late for that - that he suggested this 6 months ago. I do remember him suggesting it, but I was just 3 months away from the end of nursing school at that time, had finals and all sorts of other stresses to cope with and wanted to see if things improved on their own once I had finished and had more time for him. I did tell him this, and he agreed to wait and didn't mention it again - so I thought things were OK again. Certainly, once I finished school in May (I've taken the Summer off to be with the kids & DH - which we both agreed I would do before looking for a job), I've been really happy, sex life has improved, I've been cooking great dinners again and we've spent more time together - but his mood still gradually went downhill after graduation. Now he says it's too late and he is not interested in even trying to save our marriage.

Also, after graduation, I told him that I was looking forward to now having time to join him at his office's 'Happy Hour' after work on Fridays again, he told me straight away that 'Wives were not allowed anymore' and also said that it would be difficult anyway, as OW's company were now sponsoring the Happy Hours and that she would be there. I was upset, but didn't say anymore about it until I met one of the other office 'wives' at a party and found out that other wives DID go to Happy Hour from time to time.

We went to dinner with this particular wife last Sunday (she is also a friend of mine), and she told me that DH was still paying OW a lot of attention, and that sometimes she deliberately sat between them to separate them. She also was convinced that OW was NOT interested and that it was a one-way thing - but she did tell me that OW was an 'opportunist', and also said that they were being 'watched' by people from both offices....so, Yes, I do think the fog is still there. He read a lot of books on 'soul mates' and 'destiny' and even dabbled in Tarot cards when the Affair was going on - and for some time after it ended. Then he turned to the Church for answers and started going to Church - now I noticed he has been back into the destiny/soulmates books for the past few weeks. He has also been attracted to movies and TV programmes that feature men having affairs & being in love with women other than their wives - but trying to make their own marrages work too (think Grey's Anatomy, Ally Mc. Beal). Also movies about men who go to the brink of self-destruction before being 'saved' by the OW (i.e. 'Walk the Line). He's also obsessed with his looks and ageing, bought a sports car a few months ago and is extremely vain and self-absorbed. Basically, I have been waiting for 6 years for him to get out of this funk/mid-life crisis and it seems that as soon as I see signs of the DH I know and love come back - this alter-ego takes over again. I AM burned out - you are right - it has been a one-way thing all these years. I still love him desperately though - one minute I can be logical and think of the positive aspects of being divorced (although I don't want another man, so it'll be lonely for a long while - maybe for ever), but as soon as the reality of losing him hits me it's just an emotional melt-down of grief and horrendous pain and I know that deep down I just want him back.

Sex was our one big thing - he has a high libido - but the past few months I have noticed that he has been having some 'difficulties' in that area, and that also it has been becoming a more selfish act on his part - with no thought at to my needs (trying to put this as nicely as possible!). Still, the last couple of times we made love - which was only the day before this all happened - it seemed that he was really trying - there was a lot of tenderness there. It's just made me even more confused...

Sorry to ramble - I'm trying to sort this all out in my head too.

Best wishes, Paintbox.

Don't be fearful of your future with or without WH Painbox. Anyone who can finish nursing school, while caring for home and children, and struggling to recover from A, is more than enough person to go on to a fruitful and productive life. Your H sounds very confused clinging to the grass-is-greener. Don't stop loving or caring for him. You say he is a good man, and many troubled M have recovered from worse. He will need to discover what he is really giving up on his own. You will be just fine what ever he discovers.

Best wishes