Hi all,

I have been lurking around this site for about two months now and decided to post my story in hopes of getting some direction and advice. I will attempt to keep it short yet informative.

Ok, 2 months ago my W dropped a couple of bombs on me in hopes I would get angry and leave her. Apparenly she had an A 6 yrs ago and then an A 5 yrs ago and is currently in one for 8 months. She says she loves him and wants a D.

Marriage background- When we were dating I opened a retail business. We married and ran it together. Seven years ago we closed it for lack of revenue. I fell into a deep depression. I sat at my comp. for 2 yrs and did not work or meet any of my families needs.I was angry, hateful, controlling, overbearing, and I blamed my W and everyone else for the failed business. My W went to work to support us and began to dispise me. This began the 1st A. She ended it a yr later because he was controlling. She got a great new job and I went back to work too as my depression eased. My W started the 2nd A at new job, says at time I was not meeting her needs and she still dispised me. She ended the A again at a yr because we were doing better and she had some of her respect and desire for me back and Om was possesive. We went 4 yrs and I got laid off. I fell back into a depression and did not work for another yr. She got me to go get on meds and I got a good new job. The meds kicked in in 4 months, we bought a house and all was looking good. Unfortunately, she had been confiding in another OM as friends for a year and then they fell in love and the 3rd A was off and running in Dec' 05.

OM info- OM is 25-26. WW is 35. OM has low paying job. OM has 3 month old baby with a girl he left for my WW. OM lives at home with brother and mother.

WW says she is done with me it is over, she fell out of love with me over the last 6 years and can not come back.

Here is what I have done. I am crushed, I had no idea of the 3 A over the years. I love my W and family. The first 3 weeks I begged and pleaded her to end A and fix marriage. She went to MC once, I still go to IC. I found this web site and read it and the books. I talked to her often about our past and the hurt she has been hiding for yrs. We learned alot of each others feelings. She felt my pleading and crying to save M was sufficating her and wanted me to leave. I went to folks for a week. The next weekend she came crying to me about the hurt she was causing the kids and me. She wanted to get back together and tell OM to go back to girlfriend. I was so happy. For the next 3 weeks I did a good plan A, no LB, no talk of OM, meeting EN. She noticed and seemed to be responding.. Then one day she told me she only did it to ease mine and kids pain and never intended to stop A. She says she faked emotions, happiness and affection for 3 weeks to fool me. She says can't do it anymore and wants a D. I stayed at the house for a week but she got mean. She even started flaunting the A. She would talk to him on phone in front of me. One weekend she stayed gone over night and came in the next day telling me of their day golfing, fishing, swimming and hoteling. She even paid for it all. At this point I started writing letters of tough love but would always beg and plead again when I saw her.Then last week I wrote a Plan B type letter and left for my folks house. Yesterday I was up to see the kids and WW left as not to see me. I was to call her to let her know when I was leaving so she could come back. She was with OM when I called and it drove me crazy. I started pleading and she got upset and angry with me. Basically I did the opposite of the letter intentions.

At this point she wants a D and wants OM. I am thinking of getting an apartment. I want to go home but that would push her to file papers. I can't end this A. I have disclosed to everyone I can. I don't know if I am to late to go back to a plan A or if I should stick to plan B. Can you do a plan A while seperated? It is so difficult to be away from my family. I love them dearly. I am going crazy thinking of WW and OM together. Everything I do seems to push her to him even more.I fear that I have blown it and she is really in love with OM and my marriage is over. I can not handle this, we had so many plans for the future of our family. She says she is not happy with me and is happy with him. She says she does not "want" me anymore.

Please help,
Thank you

Welcome to marriagebuilders.

I hope you are on anti-D's, since you do have a history of depression.

We always advise the betrayed spouse NOT to move out of the family home. This affair will never last - if she chooses to flaunt it - let her move out.

Thanks for the welcome, believer

Yes I am on the Anti-d's for a year now.

I am afraid that if I go home she will definetly file for Divorce. She keeps on saying how I don't get it, it is over, and she will have to file to get me to realise it.

So a Plan B has the WS move out? She feels it is her house because she is one on loan docs because I had a bankruptcy after the business failed. So to get better interest rate we only ran her on loan. I know it is marital property but getting her out would prove futile.

Okay Alrey2 here we go.

1. Absoluteley do not move from the marital home and don't allow the children to be taken from the home under any conditions. She is the one in an affair with a man that has deserted his own responsibilities for his addiction (and her's to him).
2. Start documenting everything in regards to your WW's actions, behavior, priorities (particularly as it relates to the children). Protect your finances and your children.
3. Get Surviving An Affair and His Needs Her Needs and read them ASAP.
3A. Expose the affair to anyone that could possibly have an influence in ending it. This is hard but critical and will elicit an angry and threatening response from your WW but anger your M can recover from, an active A it cannot. Expose to OM's girlfriend, your WW's parents/family, your family, employers, friends, church, pastor, etc.
4. Your WW is no longer your W. She is an alien (who as someone described it "acts as if they have had their brains scrambled". No rational discussion will be heard. No long explanations or conversations with be taken to heart as long as she is in the affair.
5. The OM is a loser. He himself has deserted his own child to participate in this adulterous affair.
6. Start Plan A or perhaps Plan B (an in-house if she will not leave the marital home)
7. Get counseling with Harleys if you can afford it.
8. Get on Anti Depressants to help control your mood and emotions.
9. Tough love should be applied now! (see James Dobson's book "Tough Love"). No more disrespect in your home. No more paying for her to have an affair and go boating and swimming, etc. Split the finances up and give her her share of the bills to pay.
10. Absolutely insist that the children are not exposed to OM and the affair. If she can't or won't see how this is damaging to the children then you may have to take her to court for emergency custody.
11. Listen to the experts who are far more knowledgable that your's truly about these matters and your plan.

Trust God Almighty and lean on him for suppport. This may be a marathon not a sprint so be prepared. Start to improve yourself and weaknesses you and or your WW have spoken of. Try not to love bust or present any disrespectful judgments towards her but don't be a doormat either.

Alrey2,
Stay strong.

Stay strong for yourself and for your children. My H moved out to live w/ his parents but I continue to learn the hard way that a weepy, depressed, demanding spouse is not someone a WS wants to come back to. And, regardless of how this turns out, you are worth more than the way you are today. I'm worn out with being worn out and depressed. Your WS needs conviction of heart but only she and God can make that happen. What kind of example is she setting for your children? I'm the product of divorced parents and it took me a long time to adapt to the changes but at least my parents were honest w/ me and got me IC and all the support they and our church family could provide.

Your WS's OM sounds immature. The joyride will eventually lose steam especially given his financial condition and his OC. If this were a pure dating relationship and she weren't married, do you really think she'd choose this dude for a long-term relationship?

Take care.

Blessings,

nordstrom

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showthreaded.php?Cat=0&Number=3059946&page=0

And that is worse than what? Not living with your kids and financing her affair?


That hurt when my WW said it too. I feel for you. Have her move in with him. I am sure it hurt other BS's when their WS's have said it too.


Whose name is on the deed? Anyone can have a loan, but the deed is the primary document in this case. She can feel all she wants, but if the deed is in your name, a court won't care about her "feelings."

How's this, I FEEL she is treating you disrespectfully. Get a backbone and be the man you are supposed to be.

Point to yourself and say, (INCREDULOUSLY) She wants to give THIS up? What is she stupid? Makes my day, every time I do it.

Hopeandpray- Hi, yes I have been reading HNHN and SAA. W and my finances have been seperate for a month now.I could still expose to her boss but I don't think he would care. I am trying to schedule with the Harleys, I hope they can help me get a plan to win back my WW. Thanks for the post.

Nordstrom- Staying strong is so difficult. Everytime I pump myself up to be tough and go through with something, I talk to her and eventually break down or do opposite what I said or intended. I never thought I could feel this way.

Thorstein- Yes my name is on deed, she just gets so defiant when we speak of the home.She says she can't live with him because he has roommates, I believe them to be his brother and mother. Also, she says were she goes the kids go. Yes, she is being very disrespectful to me, I think she does it to get me mad so I say something and she can justify her actions through it. I never thought I would feel so weak, Trust me I don't want to feel that way. Also, you made me laugh at 6am today with your incredulous talk:)

So is it peoples opinions that I go back home, weather WW initial refusals for me to be there and restart a plan A? Is this the prescribed course to try and win my W back?

Alrey, welcome to MB. Yes, move back home even if into another room though honestly since your W is the one cheating you should be in your own bed too. Do not let her take the kids. Always be calm, be firm but calm. Be the lighthouse the leads your WW home. Women need a strong man. If you have been having employment and depression issues then it is likely your WW did not see you as strong. Possibly that is why she got involved twice with "controlling" men. This one though is just a boy. You should not fear him. Make sure you expose to his parents and to his g/f.

So sorry you are going through this.

If she doesn't want to live with you, she cannot "take the kids" that is kidnapping, I believe. Where would she take them? To his mommy's house?

Some time living there might break her fantasy to pieces.

faithful follower- thanks for the welcome. I talked to WW today about me coming home for a while to be near the kids. She says she is concerned that I will do what I do when I am there (which has been smothering her) and she says she does not need that right now. I asked what "right now" meant. She just says she is very stressed right now and had been able to relax at home without me there.

I do not know if something is happening with the OM that is causing this stress or if it is just the fact of the entire A coming to bear on her. Effects on the kids and such?

Anyway I told her it was time for me to be stronger than I have been so she could see me in a differant light. I told her I wanted her to be able to come home with me there and be able to relax.

It all sounds good but I know when I get going it will become very difficult to stay the course, especially when she continues to see OM.

I have an appt. with Steve Harley on Wed morning. Hopefully he can help me come up with a plan. I know this is just the beginning, but I am kind of excited to have a course of action soon.

Arley, you can do it. You can be the strong one. No begging, pleading or crying ok? If you need to vent, then come here to vent. We will listen to you. I am soooo happy to hear you made an appt with Harley!

Well, I had to reschedule my appt. with the Harleys. I found out if I do a morning appt. I would always need to do a morning to stay with same person. It is better than that I do evenings, so that put me on Fri at 8Pm with Jennifer.

Yes, I went home last night and family went shopping for kids school clothes. We were supposed to go at 5pm but wife was late home from work, suprise, suprise, so we left at 7pm. It got late quick and a little stressful because the young ones were getting tired. I could tell wife was not having much fun at end but neither did I when the young two got cranky. So I guess that is a LBer because we were together while being stressed and a little unhappy, although nothing was said of it, it will be hard to build Love Units in situations as this.

WW called today to see what time I was going back to parents. Apparently she misunderstood my intentions to be at home for good. She is not very happy. Says that she will still be seeing OM and asked if I was just going to pretend she was not or what? I just said it was time for me to work on me for us. Honestly, I don't know if I will be able to do this knowing they are together after work daily.

Today is our 8th anniversary. I asked if she would like me to cook on the grill because of what day it was and she pretended not to know what I was talking about. She says she might get a hotel tonight.

I am trying to be being strong. Last night while shopping she looked so beautiful. I had not seen her in 2 weeks. I almost started trying to touch and hug but stopped myself. I want my W back in the worst way. I need her love and I need my family to remain intact. I just don't see it happening with the way she talks of OM and how she loves him. I can hardly look at her beautiful face without thinking of him and her together. Ouchy.

I guess my WW is really mad that I came back home after a two week mini seperation. On Tuesday I told her I would be staying at our home again. The kids were to go to Grandmas' house for Wed, Thurs, Fri. I came home from work on Wed and my wife had packed a bag and left to stay at hotel with OM for the 3 days the kids are gone. Then she is going to her mothers for the weekend.

So, even though I went back home to start Plan A, my wife found a way to be gone for 5 days. On the bright side, we knew the kids were going to Gramdmas' about 2 weeks ago. If I had still been moved out the OM would have been staying at my house for 3 days, sleeping in my bed, eating food that I bought, and generally stepping in to take my place. I am glad I came home and messed up their fun. No wonder my WW is so mad I came home, now they had go to a hotel and eat at a resturant instead of her cooking for him.

Anyway it will be tough to do a Plan A when my WW is so stuck on this OM. Even when she is home with me she hardly speaks to me, she just talks to OM or her mother on the phone all evening.

I have been listing out what things I think I need to work on about myself. Listing what I think my WW top EN's are, what my top EN's are, not that she wants to meet any of them and I have been doing some cleaning and yard work that got behind when I left for the mini seperartion. Other than this I have been trying not to think about the A to much because it makes me sad and I can not control it anyway. There just has to be some way to get some quick positive results from my WW. Something for me to build on or give me hope. She acts like she hates me. She definitely has hardend her heart towards me since D-day. I think it may be hopeless to Plan A someone that does not want you around, is being blatantly contempt and has not been fence-sitting. She really acts as if our M is over with no hope for fixing it.

actually, I think that's the most crucial time for plan A.
According to the principle, that's when it has the most impact: when you treat her nicely, even when she's treating you at her worst.

Be glad you have this opportunity. you wont have it when she moves out. Before I came to MB, I kinda had my own "plan A" type behaviour, but couldnt stick to it because I was hurting so bad. I didnt know how important it was to stick to it consistently, even in the face of being snubbed. If I had, my wife may not have moved out; we may have gotten to the point of fighting, instead of the "withdrawal" phase of moving out.

yeah, dont worry about the "no hope" attitude now. Focus on showing her that you are worth sticking around for. Meet her ENs.

I'm sorry to say that it almost certainly WONT be quick, to see positive signs, since she is so far gone. But hold on to the knowlege that "plan A" is the right thing for you now. Love(by action) your wife.
I dont get the chance to do that much since mine moved out.

Good that you are back. Don't smother. Just be kind. Thank her for little things, make no demands and DON'T act desperate!

BTW You keep the kids. She does not. End of story. Don't use kids as weapons. If she leaves, let her go and tell her to take care of herself, be firm: when she is out, she no longer lives there. Change address, etc. She can no longer come and go as she pleases.

Children MUST know truth and SHE must tell them. It is going to seem like eternity EVERY day. But some days the fog lifts and some days it rolls back in. Keep your emotions in check (easier said than done).

Focus on your plan A. Show her you can be independent. Work out...clears mind and body. Cook, clean, do laundry. When she does VISIT, she needs to see that you have everything together without her. In other words, you don't really NEED her (or so you present yourself that way.)

Exposure has been done, correct? Even to OM's mommy?

Get a hobby. Something you've always wanted to do- it beats the heck out of brooding with no one around.

BREATHE!

techie- Hi, sorry that you did not get the chance to do a plan A with your WW. I sometimes feel that going straight to plan B would be better for my WW and I but she would not be the one to leave. She thinks I should. Did your WW actually leave the kids and you to go to OM or did she take the kids?

Yes, I am going to try to meet her EN's if she will let me. Currently she avoids me and is letting OM fill her EN's. I think she could go on seeing OM and snubbing me indefintely. I will eventually have to protect myself and leave, I think.

Thorstein- As far as exposure, I still have a few people to get a hold of. Namely who ever it is at the number I snooped off WW cell. I have called it but guy that answers says he knows nothing of OM. He says just he and brother and mother live there. I assumed the brother then must be my OM, but WW says I have not called OM's house so I must have wrote number down wrong. I also need to expose to WW boss, but he has had A's too and I don't think he will help me.

As far as kids go. I do not see my WW ever leaving the kids. She will hole up in the home, still seeing OM after work, as long as it takes for me to get tried of it and leave. I will only be able to stand doing a Plan A in the face of contempt for so long.

I will see where my call with Harley's leads me. I am doing much better on the pleading front now that I am home. Part of me needed to be at home for now. It made my emotions so much more intense not being there.

My wife moved out to her mothers, and we currently split time with the children 50/50. she wants to have majority, but that is not the case at the moment.
OM is a long-distance relationship. she's only seen him once that I know of.

The first month, i was pushing hard, telling her I loved her, and trying to get her to relook at things. she just shut me out. barely spoke to me.
Second month, I backed off, and just tried to consistently be nice to her. Show her I cared, rather than telling her.
[this means "be considerate and caring on a 'good friend' basis", not "shower her with flowers"!]

She now actually talks to me somewhat.
I dont know how much that is due to her getting to talk less with the OM (due to living at her mothers house). But in many ways, it doesnt matter.

Time is crucial in all this stuff, it seems.
Time gives you both an opportunity to show her positives from you again(even though she wont react to them for a long time), and also, time gives mental space for the bad memories of you to wear off a bit from her mind.
Both are crucial, and both require time to happen.

I'm glad you're back in your home. and very glad you're calling the Harleys.
Good luck to you. Be strong and patient in yourself. Dont rush. You have many months ahead of you. You're in a marathon, not a sprint, now.

Well, I havn't posted in a while but here it goes.

I went home almost 2 weeks ago. My WW was not happy about this. We had a few good nights and a few not so good. I am trying to meet her needs of affection and conversation. The conversation was going ok until I exposed to her boss and his best friend, also her boss but number 2 in command. Wow, she is mad. So for the last 2 days she has not spoken much other that to tell me she thinks I am trying to get her fired and what next?, am I going to tell all her friends? I have not had the time to tell all her friends nor do I know how to find them or the OM and his crew.

Anyway, she rebelled against my affection and told me not to touch her in no uncertain terms the other night. I sent her an email the next day about how I will respect this boundary of her affection but had a few of my own. I told her it is disrespectful to take calls from OM in home and in front of me and kids. She says she told him to call at this time.

Next day, while cooking supper. He calls at 7:30. Kids still up and me helping with supper. She is headed out to porch to talk and she laughs and says to him, "you are such a little sh*t". So he and her are having a good laugh at my personal boundary expense. So where does the consequence come in?

As she come back in the house, I blown up and say I told you my bounday and he does not respect it. I go to grab the phone to tell him off. She regains it, says good bye and I explode at her. LB'ing off the charts, yelling, calling her a Wh#re a few times and telling her off. She threatens to call the cops on me, I tell her go ahead it is what she wants anyway. She says I am stupid for staying when she whats a divorce, I say then divorce me.

Wow, what a night! So we talk about concequences for her affair but other than exposure what are they? She does not have to respect my boundaries if she does not want to. What am I to do in the face of contempt? I don't know if I can take all of this much longer.

Be careful with the violence. Can't you just unplug the phone line from the wall while she is outside? Or was it a cell? My WW's cell accidentally fell in the toilet. Oops.

I haven't read your story. I will. Boundaries are good. Just find a way to enforce them. Legally.

Piojitos- thanks for the respone. I am stressing right now badly. I got a warning from my boss the other day about my proformance lately. I walk around in a daze all day and I know this. I tell her I am falling apart and she does not respond.

Anyway, I tried to set some boundaries and she walks all over them. I will never have violence on her but would love nothing better than to bloody the OM. Yes it was a cell phone and I tried to grab it to yell at him. It is a work phone and I do not have control over it's usage. I just can not see this plan A working. Now that I am home and she wants me out, she continues to push my buttons not matter how much I try to be nice. I tell her to go then and she will not. I told her tonight then just divorce me and we sell house and move on, we will see what she does on this.