I've posted on a couple other threads here before and now my WW has secured a lawyer and has given me an assest inquiry to fill out for official divorce papers. At this time I am hurting over this D thing pretty bad. I still respect marriage, I care for my WW and I believe D is not the answer. It will stay with us for the rest of our lives.

I'm in IC, working on bettering myself and how I treat relationships. There is still much work to be done, nothing happens overnight. I've been balking at moving into the divorce proceedings b/c I want to give my WW a chance to realize what she is doing, but she is the kind of person when she decides on something, she is almost impossible to turn around. (except when she decided to marry me I guess)

My problem is I can't tell if she's in an affair fog or if she simply hates me so much she wants a divorce. I was not the easiest person to be married to, neither was she. We both neglected our marriage to the point it died. I tend to take responsibility being the man and feel all that comes along with it, guilt, shame, defeat, etc.

She is carrying on an A with OM. She is pushing for a D like it's just something to get off her plate for this month. I've talked to my MIL and asked her what she thought, she says "It doesn't matter what I think, it matters what WW thinks." Okay, so she doesn't care. Just let the D happen everyone's telling me. But for some reason, I hold on. Even when there's nothing there.

Possible I'm just afraid to go through with a D. Like it's this big wall in the distance. Afraid of taking on the "stigma" of a D. The other reason is I care. The other is the shame. Like if I can get another shot at "fixing" things I can alleviate the shame. Is this me being selfish all over again?

Oh, boy. There's no clean answer to this mess. I just keep praying WW will make some sort of turn and seek some sort of reconciliation. Anything... show some emotion, ask a question, act at all like she cares about her vows. What is going on here?

Making the psychological transition is tough. Being party to a D is hard for me even when I know my WW is sleeping with OM. Is this weakness? Shouldn't I have just toughened up like a man and kicked her to the curb with D papers two months ago? Initially I was going to file, now I'm the one holding out.

Like I said, part of it is because I'm not sure if WW is in a fog, or if she's just taking the initiative and ending a relationship that was not working. In some screwed up way it's like she's moving on with her life and I'm just waiting for... nothing. It's embarrassing me.

My WW says she tried for a year, one year!, to get through to me and I didn't budge. Says she tried... and apparently the end result to trying is having an adulterous affair. And she wonders why my family is upset at her, since she "tried." Still blames me for not telling them "my" side of the story, what led up to her A was my doing... wow, I just had a feeling of deja vu, like I've covered this months ago.

So, bottom line is, is my WW in your opinions in a fog or is she an aggressive decision maker? I mean, I see her having absolutely no consequences from this at all. As I write this, it seems an exercise in futility, but perspective is what I'm seeking here.

Don't buy into this crap for one minute! My WW said "Well, I have been trying for 6 months, then it was one year then before she was through it was 2 years". The damn truth is that she had never once, not one solitary time, ever made mention or in any way, shape or form indicated to me that she was not happy in our marriage until she was three months into an affair with a lunatic and already addicted.

Don't you believe this. This is their way of deluding themselves. She will have to tell herself many more lies before this over in order to not walk outside and jump off a tall building. It's self preservation. I have to blame someone and it can't be me or OM since this feels so right.

Don't buy it. My W (not my WW and STBXW) had a healthy, good marriage that was what a marriage looks like after 8 years on a relationship. Did it look like it did when we were dating for 6 months, globetrotting, making love 3-4 times a day, focused on ourselves and nothing or noone else, no it didn't. It had matured and still held many of those things I mentioned above but it was a more mature love until she let her boundaries be crossed and became addicted and did not deal with the issues that caused her to get to the place she is (childhood issues, adoption, non physical loving father, cerebral relationship with adopting parents, poor relationship with male sibling also adopted, Step daughter out of wedlock at 26 years of age to a man she didn't love and more). Don't let her transfer the blame, don't you do it!

Thanks hope,

My WW also said 6 months, then a year and a half, then one year... as far as I can tell she's never been "here" at all. It's as though she just endured in silence for a while, then became defensive, tried to reach out to me, then shut down, then began seeking outside opinions about me and our marriage. Then sought it from other men, then found another man who she confided in and felt good with. She's still with him and has introduced him to her mother. I see no consequences for her actions. What's going on?

Her outside advice from her family and friends was she shouldn't be treated this way by me. Okay, did she know her silence was also a detriment to our marriage? If yelling is abusive, so is shutting me out for months upon months. She shut down more. Then I shut down as opposed to being angry.

Then I realized life didn't have to be a big stand-off. I began to read into marriage counseling and signs of failure in marriage. I started reaching out to my W. Not much response. Tried more, but nothing in return. Frustration started and arguments kept going. I said some wrong things, mean things. She said nothing. I did some mean things, she isolated herself. I had an epiphany and pondered how I could change the way I approached her. Then she decided in secret to cheat and has justified it to herself ever since.

When we do talk about the relationship, which is rare, it is in the context of a confrontation (just like in our marriage). It is an argument, and she wants me to admit to my family my culpability in the dissolution of our marriage. She is angry I've told everybody about her A. She is angry I tell her mother what she's doing and chastised me for it. Says I'm tattling on her.

The whole while I'm trying to learn how to be respectful of her while still getting across the message that 1) I want to address our problems 2) her affair is hurtful to both of us 3) I still care about her 4) I'm not perfect and am working on myself.

She doesn't care. Just wants me to fill out the paperwork so we can be D. Ok, fine. I'm tired of her blame. I'm tired of her deceit. I'm trying to learn how to talk to her better, to show her respect even when she's throwing venom. I still get emotional when we talk. I feel like she sees this as a weakness as she doesn't show much emotion ever.

I'm so baffled by this person. She's like the Terminator or something.

Will she be able to pull this off? Where is justice? My chest feels heavy every day. Why can't I shake this guilt?