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I haven't posted here in ages. I'm recovering from MY betrayal of my husband. I am 3 months into the no contact with OM stage. I feel myself withdrawing more and more from my husband. He too has withdrawn somewhat. He won't touch me anymore. His "interrogation" of me was very painful. His questions accused me of meeting many men and having sex with all of them. (Something that never happened.) I feel so lonely.
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I'm RIGHT where you are. Just got back from the marriage counselor this morning and everything is just TERRIBLE. My H hates the therapist, thinks he's a quack because he's making him think about the reasons for my betrayal... he's more interested in punishing me for the rest of our marriage. I don't know why we're even trying, but I know it's the right thing to do. I've tried everything, my H says he doesn't even want to touch me. I know what I did, I am suffering for it... and will continue to do so for a long, long time, I fear. Very lonely place.
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new_beginning, I understand what you are going through.<BR>I know I caused my husband much pain. He has lost weight and is seeing a counselor. I am wracked with guilt and a desparate sense of what and who I have become. At the same time, every interaction I have with my husband is more painful and I withdraw further. I am seeing a counselor also... at least I have someone to talk with.<BR>One insight I have gained is this. Many here ask why the betraying spouse didn't bring up their needs with their spouse instead of going outside of the marriage. For my situation, I brought up to my husband many times that I was unhappy with our marriage and had even suggested counseling. I was never able to bring up anything specific. My relationship with the OM defined my needs for me. I wish I had found a site such as this before I had the affair. The affair seems to have ensured that those needs that were being met prior are now especially broken.
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Yes!! The last line you wrote is soooo true! Everything is broken now, and I'm the cause of it. I feel like a betrayer, that's for sure. But also, I'm really trying to make it right, and it hurts when he continues to punish me. It pushes us BOTH further apart. My H has also lost weight - 30 pounds - and is a walking, talking reminder of what I did. I don't know if we'll EVER get past this. Sometimes I sit outside and just think about how my one very poor choice in nearly 20 years of marriage has led to THIS... this horrible daily pain. 20/20 vision and all that, if I could only take it back... but alas... I can't.
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Perhaps all this is the what the betrayer must face before healing can begin. I don't know. I stopped my affair because if was wrong. I am stying in my marriage because it is the right thing to do. I wonder often if the RIGHT way is always the most painful way. I have a great need for emotional attachment and I sure did destroy that with my affair. How could I so perversely hope that my love for another man would cure all my problems?
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Perhaps it is my imagination, but it seems like female betrayers usually say they tried to talk to their H's about problems in the marriage, and the H's didn't listen. Have any male betrayers tried to talk to their wives before the infidelity? My H never mentioned that there were any problems in our marriage. On occasion it would seem like something was bothering him, but if I asked him what was wrong he would say "nothing", or that he just wasn't feeling well.
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new beginning and trying again, your posts could have been written by me, it sounds so familiar. Please know your not alone, alot of us are going thru this ( i know that doesnt help much at all! sorry ) But i understand what you are all going thru. One thing that has helped me, i got this advice yesterday when i mentioned how I get mad when my H throws this in my face, or gives me the " look " or something that hurts my feelings... that I need to forgive him for this, and not hold it against him, because look what he is going thru and trying to forgive ME for! So, i am trying to remember that. Do you both have the same problem as me, that one day is really good and then the next is horrible? It's like 2 steps forward and one step back. 2 days ago i was on the verge of leaving, I didnt know what to do anymore, i thought, well I gave him this pain, and if I were gone, he would stop hurting so bad. And now today is a better day.<BR>I did tell my husband what i needed before the affair began, I could tell I was developing feelings for this OM, and that it might lead to something, and it really confused me. So I went to him, and told him what i needed, like a cry for help on my part. But it didnt work. He says now that he remembers me doing this, but didnt know I was going to have an affair if he didnt fullfill those needs.<BR>What I would like to know is : what if you are a person who loves alot of affection, and yet you are married to someone who likes affection, but not as much as you do, i mean, they are happy with the amount they get, yet YOU would like more. Isnt a person only capable of giving so much, how do they change and give more? Am i making any sense?<BR>thanks :-)<p>[This message has been edited by patty co (edited August 16, 1999).]
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Hi girls-- ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif) <P>I'll have to say that I never really talked to my wife about any problems in our relationship. I don't think I would've been capable of explaining what was wrong (is still wrong, really). It was just a vague feeling of something missing for all those years. I have specific memories of saying to myself "I'm not happy with my wife." I had years of that... sigh! But I never said anything to my wife. I guess I just hoped it would go away after time.<P>In fact that is yet another of the hard things to deal with in this whole thing. What the hell are my emotional needs and how did the OW fulfill them. I've been able to pinpoint some of them recently, but then I get into this whole comparison thing, which is totally not condusive to making my marriage work! But I can't get away from it very easily. The things the OW did to fulfill my needs are things my wife could not do. She would have to be a completely different person, and it's not fair to lay that on her.<P>Anyway, there is alot of pain on both sides of the coin here. Whenever a betrayed person posts to the board and expresses pain about their spouse's withdrawal pains from breaking off with the OP, I usually try to councel patience and tolerance. I think the same thing can be said from our perspective as well...<P>TryingAgain and new_beginning, your husbands are distant to you right now, but hopefully with time and patience from you, they will eventually realize that you really do want to make it work and things will get better. It's it completely normal for them to be acting the way they are. Yes it is painful for you that they act that way, but if you continue to show your support and a kind of "Plan A" of your own, they should come around...<P>Have either of your husbands ever read through this forum? It would definitely open their eyes!!<P>--airheart
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patty co, <BR>I am sorry you are going through this pain also. I, myself, struggle with the question if people can really change. Somehow I believe, I am expecting character changes where only behavior changes are possible. I don't have much hope but this may (simply) be due to my depression. <BR>It is nice to know that there are women in the same situation I am in.
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airheart,<BR>I was exactly where you were. I KNEW there was something seriously missing, but I didn't know WHAT it was. Except that I gave voice to my unhappiness. Since I could not define, specifically, what was wrong it was dismissed as a typical female problem. (It's always something emotional with women, you know.) I, like you, now wonder if these things could ever be met by my husband. And if not, how can I get them met. Or should I just learn to suppress them. Truly these needs become overwhelming and express themselves in inappropriate ways (affairs). Right now, I realize, the pain of the affair is much, much worse than the pain of unmet needs!
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I've taken posts home to my H to read, we've taken the Lovebusters and Emotional Needs tests together. We've been trying to put this marriage back together. But it's like a piece is gone forever... a corner piece, a really important piece. Sigh!<P>And yes, some days are better than others. Today was especially awful because of the trip to the counselor. I agree that most of the woman I've talked to and seen who posted say they tried to get their husbands into counseling before the affair. I guess it's a man-thing not to want to open up to a counselor. Now he has to... that's sad.<P>One of those "what if" things... what if he'd gone with me to counseling a year ago? I can say it would have made a difference. I honestly believe that.<P>I love him and I'm hangin' in there... but it's the hardest thing I've EVER done!
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I keep telling myself that I have to move forward from here. I can't undo the past. Just make sure it doesn't happen in the future. I guess I post to hear that it CAN get better in the future.
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You all are in the same shoes as me, only my situation, mainly my H's attitude, is dramatically different. Probably because we've only been married for 1.5 yrs. Also maybe because I never used the word "love" regarding the OM to H.<P>My H is the opposite, which is confusing. He's VERY touchy, wanting sex more than I think he's ever wanted it. I'm not complaining. Our sex life, and marriage really has always been great, except for the needs thing, which I *did* try to address many many many times before the opportunity presented itself for the affair. My affair was very short lived, and ended because it was the "right thing to do". <P>It was the most painful choice for both me and the OM, but I'm extremely glad we did. I ran across old emails from my H when we were first dating-and I can honestly say I'm falling in love with him all over again. He's really taken the "emotional needs" thing to heart. Changed his work hours so he's home more, is very much "here" when he's not working (emotionally accessible) and I seem to be his focus. It didn't take him long to accept that each of us had a part in this, not just me.<P>Be patient with your H's, women, thier pride has taken a helluva blow, and it will take time to recover. I find myself constantly second guessing myself to make sure he's not thinking I lied, or that I'm being misleading or dishonest, even when I'm not. Just for his comfort, I think.<P>Another thing that has added to my marriage has been rediscovering my faith. God has blessed me with a wonderful man, I just didn't try hard enough to tell him what I needed, partly because I don't think I really knew. I know now.<P>I'll be praying for all of you.<P>Tracy<P>
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Thank you, Sad4now. My thoughts and prayers are with you as well.<BR>You know, I have these tremendous urges to call the OM's wife to tell her how sorry I am. I am not sure she even knows. Is this a bad idea?
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trying again, you are not sure the Om's wife even knows? you mean about the affair, or that you are sorry? If she does know about the ffair, it might be good to call her and tell her you are sorry, it would help you and her, i think. I apologized to the om's wife ( but i knew her well ) and it has helped me, she accapted it at first ( the apology ) but then became angry when she heard more of the story. ( she has every right to be angry, she has every right to beat me up too! ) Even if it didnt help her by my saying i am sincerely sorry, it helped me. One night I had a dream, we ( the om's wife and I ) were talking like friends, and in the dream i then turned to her and cried and said i am so sorry. It was wierd. But I am so truly sorry to her, I have hurt her so much, and I will spend the rest of my life regretting distrupting her life, and changing her life forever.She told me I had done a ton of damage to her life, and everyday I remember this. That it not only affected me and my marriage, but also hers.
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patty co, <P>Do you feel, in the end, that it was the right thing to do for her?<BR>No, I don't know that she knows. She had suspicions, but my OM lied about me. If she doesn't know, I don't want to make her life worse. If she knows, I want to help.
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I think it was, I think it helped her some.<BR>I can only imagine it would be worse if I didn't say i was sorry. I was told by the OM that she would probably not confront me, ( we were friends, the Om's wife and I, i know , what i did was awful ) and a few days went by and i didnt not hear from her, he asked that I do not contact her ( he had lied and said he forgot everything, when in fact, he was trying to hide things, so didnt want her to hear anything more ) anyway, I contacted her, she let me have it, I told her how sorry I was. If I could, I would tell her everyday, but I wont. ( we have nothing to do with them now, and vise versa) She will never know HOW sorry I am, but I am glad I did tell her that I was sorry.<p>[This message has been edited by patty co (edited August 16, 1999).]
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Hey Guys,<P>I commend you on doing the right thing, but I also have a question for you. Did you ever tell your H's that you didn't love them anymore and that you just cared about them and that's all?<P>Thanks!!!<BR>Deb
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Hey Ladies,<BR> I wish my W had suggested counciling or something before she jumped into an affair.You'd think after 22 years she could of told me she was unhappy about things instead of acting happy.She was a true conflict-avoider.It was only after she fell in love with the OM,she comes out and tells me she hasn't really loved me for years,felt like running away,and started listing all the problems.Maybe I should of sensed it,because it seemed like I was doing things for her,giving her all the backrubs and such,but if I wanted one I had to ask.I guess now,I'm just mad at her for not telling me our marriage was on the rocks.She always said"Don't sweat the small stuff",and look what happened.I just wished she had tried to communicate like some of you had. --Murph<BR>
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I wish I could call his W. But he didn't tell her. I still feel like I need some kind of resolution to this all. <P>I know it sounds bad, but it bothers me that he seems to be back in his life the way it was before me. Like nothing ever happened. Except when we've talked. Not often, and not at all since we broke contact. But still...it's like he has to tell me to reassure me it was real, but we can't talk and it's not a good idea anyway (hinders recovery) so I just get to deal with this feeling. UGH. ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif) <P>Anyway...focus on H and God, right? ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif) <P>Hoping and praying for the best<P>Tracy<P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."
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