Wow! I guess this isn't the place I needed to come to talk to people and ask advice and hear stories that could maybe help me work through what I am going through. I understand that many of you have been hurt by infidelity. And no.........I would NEVER condone it or think it is the right thing to do. At the same time, I have been hurt by alcool abuse, emotional abuse, etc. etc. etc. I know what I am doing is not right but I didn't think everyone would be so mean. I thought this was to help people, not treat them like idiots who have no business being here. Maybe I don't. I have never done this before.....just looking for some answers. So thanks for any suggestions I recieved today and sorry that I intruded in a place where I obviously don't belong.

YOU belong

if you want to stop your affair

if you want to build your marriage

if you want to learn new skills to have a better life

until you assign yourself the appropriate level of responsibility for your choices ... you will remain stuck in the mud

Pep

PERFECT POINT IN CASE!

Get your boogie board, we're about to ride the wave of the future.

You say that infidelity is emotional and physical abuse of the highest calibur. I agree that it is abuse but until and unless you have lived with someone who has repeatedly accused you of cheating when you weren't, controlled EVERY move you made, drank until he was angry and than took it out on you, and alienated you from everyone you knew and loved, I don't think that you can say that. THanks for all those who helped me think about a few things today - bye!

Ammmm, in case you would like to talk more, please send me e-mail at the address that's in my signature line. There is help available, though things are a little wonky here right now.

unless you have lived with someone who has repeatedly accused you of cheating when you weren't,

But...you are cheating...you are in an affair even as I type...<confused>

committed

Struck a nerve didn't it?

amm,

To add an affair to all that craziness in your life certainly isn't an intelligent or moral resolution.

I have been accused of cheating with EVERYONE for 8 years and never was. Yes, I am now, since October, but I was even accused of sleeping with my husband's best friend who was the best man in our wedding. THE THOUGHT OF CHEATING NEVER CROSSED MY MIND FOR 8 YEARS. Yet I was accused over and over again if I even talked to or looked at someone else.

And that makes it (your affair) right because _________________________ ?

I never once said my affair was right or justified. I just think that the discussion here has come to a judgment on people who aren't here to be judged. I know what I did was wrong and I am trying to find myself through all this and do what is right for my chldren and myself.

OK.

Noted.

How is this relevent to the degree of abuse of infidelity?

[Let me assure you that many posters here have been the victims of abuse..both BS and WS..so the blanket assumption that we couldn't POSSIBLY understand the pain of abuse if a false one.]

Right now you are using this as a tool to rationalize your affair.

Ammmm, the abuse you mention can be truly devastating -- and I suspect that your husband's abuse has made a real hash of your self-esteem, your internal moral compass, and your integrity. Because you're here, I know that you are struggling with your affair and all the guilty icky feelings that it creates.

There are a lot of people who understand exactly what you've been through and who will support you in your efforts to regain your integrity, your dignity, and your strength.

There are also a lot of people who will think that the best way to get you to stand up is to shame you, attack you, or put you down.

Because you have been abused in the past, you may very well respond to those folks. It's troubling when people try to abuse you into doing what you already know is right -- you resist the abuse even while you long to move in that "right" feeling direction.

An affair is kinda like that, too. A mix of the stuff that feels good (the lust, the friendship, the caring, the listening) and the stuff that feels horrible (the guilt, the shame, the loss of integrity and honor, the harm you cause to your husband and yourself).

It can be very difficult to step away from the drama-filled relationships that mix the good and the bad. Take deep, calming, breaths, though, and take those steps. There -are- relationships out there that are healthy. None are perfect, of course. But there are really healthy and calm people who can teach you things.

You might want to find the book "You Don't Have To Take It Anymore" by Steven Stosny. It's about abuse and will probably begin to address the hurts that you don't understand and don't know how to deal with. You might also want to get "A Gentle Guide to the 12 Steps," by Patrick Carnes. It's designed for addicts and co-addicts, and can gently teach you a lot about how you may have become addicted to your husband's craziness.

Be well.

Well, people here can judge right from wrong, and hopefully you do too or I suspect you wouldn't be here making excuses. We are trying to help you, but the first step in getting help is focusing on YOUR CHOICES and how you are 100% responsible for them. That is REAL EMPOWERMENT.

Talking about the sins of your H won't get you there.

What is right for you and your children is to end your affair and attend to your personal recovery.

Do you feel any resistance to that suggestion?

There is nothing unusual about judging behavior..you have judged both your Hs and the behavior of posters whose opinions you didn't care for with abandon..if what you are saying is that you feel bad when you read it..that's another story entirely..isn't it?

I would like to end the night with this thought:

I began this thread to ask those who are in affair marriages to consider the harm... simply consider... which I have been doing for some time now... moreso lately.

I'm nobody special. I'm not all-that-wise. And I can't make anyone do anything. But I can ask... that you think about your place here... and if the potential for harm exists.

What's happening to this thread now... with ammm... is not what I had hoped... ammm is not (to my knowledge) in an affair marriage. She's a WS. And while there is help and hope for her on MB (if she accepts responsibility for her actions in not just words, but actions)... THIS THREAD is not the place it will likely happen. I just don't want my message to get tangled up with a new WS's situation, which... while difficult, is not my focus today.

I know I am sounding impatient... and I really do apologize. Ammm, it isn't you... it's that I had expectations and am... disappointed, I guess. For all the affair marriage people that we KNOW are out there, none will stand up and be counted right now, while this subject is "on the table"... that's disappointing. I feel kinda alone on this island.

Anyway, aloha for now, MBers...

NB,

You are not alone.

And I for one believe that you have so much to offer people here and for you to remove yourself from this board will have a negative effect on the future of the ones you will not be able to touch with your experience.

Blessing to you.

S&C

NB,

As you know, I agree that you marriage is an affair marriage, and you know how I feel about that. I think there are both positive and negative aspects to your being here - the negative one is the reason you have given for leaving the board, and the positive one is that the guilt you have struggled with for years makes it clear that there was no happily ever after.

Can you blame them, with all the stones that have been cast their way? Who'd want to step to the forefront right now?

Heck, I got P by my OM, and I almost feel like a saint <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> , considering how some of these remorseful affair marriage people must feel after being vilified so much these past weeks.

The posters that really have me confused are certain FWS who now act so self righteous. I'm confused because I'd think FWS generally would be more humble and gracious to those truly seeking. Guess not. But at least you got the approval of one of them NB... WooHoo! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, I hope you stick around. This board needs more like you.

~ad