I will try to make this short but I just don't know what to do. A little history - I have been married for almost 7 years. I am 31, husband is 39. We have 2 boys - 2 & 4. He has always been extremely jealous. Has also been a heavy drinker until his recent DUI. Gets angry - calls me names, always has. It really started getting to me after our 1st child was born. At the time I got pregnant with second, I was looking for a place to move - I was done with the emotional abuse. Then came #2 by accident. I decided I would try to make things work. I always did love him - just thought this was a normal marriage. Then I ran into the boyfriend prior to meeting my husband. We began talking on the phone alot. (He lives 2 hours away). I snuck away one night about 10 months ago and the physical part of the affair began. It used to be that I would see him about once a month. Now, hardly a week goes by. My husband has asked me if I am having an affair - I say no. This isn't unusual - he has always accused me - for years before this ever began. I don't want to blame him for my affair but I do feel like he brought it on in a way. Now, we are so disconnected that I see no other choice than to separate. I also feel like I am in love with this OM. We actually talk and can have fun together. At the same time, I am scared to death that I will regret leaving my husband. I don't know why - his recent name calling was fat b**ch. I know he loves me but has never shown it like OM does. I can't imagine letting the OM go for a second time. Anyone else gone though situation similar to this? I can't even look at my husband - at first because of the way he treated me, now for the way I am treating him.

If you came here looking for cheerleaders to further your affair, you'll be disappointed.

If you want help addressing your H's drinking and "abuse" you'll find compassion - as soon as you end your affair.

Ammm,

The "love" is a lie. The relationship you have with the OM is a lie. And you wont be able to see that until you end your adultery...or after it is too late.

Read up on here. There are plenty of former wayward spouses (FWS) on here that will come and tell you the same. They have been where you are now. They know the fog you live in. But reality can be had...but it will take guts by you to do the right thing, even if it doesnt feel right at the time.

Dump the OM who does NOT care for you. Then go home and get into counseling and get your husband into counseling. Admit the adultery to him. And begin to work on the issues that have been confronting your marriage.

Then, either you will save your marriage or it will end.

You must earn your way out of a marriage!!

Stop the affair. Get yourself into IC. Come up with a plan to tell your H about your affair, and if possible, it would be best to do this through a counselor. Take responisbility for your role in the dysfunction of your marraige, and for the sake of your kids, fight for a healthy marriage, not a fling with a past boyfriend. Statisitcs for affair-born relationships are grim, and your children deserve you doing everything you can to provide them with a stable home that includes both parents. You might want to prepare your H for counseling by telling him that your marriage is in trouble and that you want to fight for it and you need help - this is where the MC comes in.

Thanks for the kind advice! I know that is the right thing to do and I know I have to tell my husband. It has just been a rough time for everyone......thanks to both of us! I don't think I would have ever had an affair under different circumstances. I have known and loved the OM for over 10 years - it just didn't work the first time. I know what I need to do.....it's just finding the courage to do it! THanks!

I certainly didn't come looking for "cheerleaders". I never thought I would be one of those people - the type that has an affair. I just felt alone and OM made me feel good. Gave me someone to talk to when no one else was there. I have taken care of my children 99% on my own, pay all the bills, keep up the house and work full time as a special education teacher. You would think I would have my stuff together. I just lost my way somewhere along the way. I know I need to either tell my husband and try to mend things or end this marriage and move on. It just all sounds so scary!

I did marriage counseling on my own when he refused to go with me. Then, when I threatened to file for divorce, he finally went with me. Didn't get too far. This was all before the affair. I agree with your advice. I just need to end the affair more to see what will happen with my marriage. I really have strong feelings that it is already over - there are so many things over the past 8 years that I can't forgive. And I don't think he could ever forgive this. But regardless of where my marriage ends up, I know the affair has to end.

ammm- you have not said anything that we have not heard before...including the "OM made me feel good, special, wonderful", "I have always loved him", etc. yak....

Look...do the right thing and fix it or leave....

Don't leave. End the affair and give your marriage a fair shake - put all of your effort into correcting the dysfunctions at home. We all play a role in family dysfunction, whether it is as a perpertrator or as an enabler. You and your husband CAN forgive each other, it is a choice. Look him in the eye and tell him that your marriage is in deep trouble and then fight for counseling and fight for your marriage. You both can learn new, constructive behaviors, and in time, have a different marriage. Saying "I can't forgive" is a cop-out, and I know from experience that it is an untrue cop-out. What would be really sad, for you, your H, and your children is if you walk away on such a cop-out excuse without putting forth the effort required to roll up your sleaves and do some heavy-duty work on your marriage. Believe it or not, another relationship is going to have problems, too. Relationships require work - do NOT teach your kids to walk away from the work necessary to build a solid, healthy relationship. They are watching you. You will have to deal with your problems eventually and walking away from them now will only delay the necessary work.

And while you are at it, imagine having to say to your kids somewhere down the road "Your family just wasn't worth the effort required of me to try to fix our problems, so I walked away." Ouch. You might phrase it different, I'm sure, but this is STILL what you will have told them. I will be praying for you. Please keep posting here.

Your story was interesting to read. I have a lot to think about.......obviously. I just wish I really felt like I LOVED my husband. I talk to a friend a lot and just told her that I really want to be in love with him but I just am not. I guess there are some things I need to get rid of in my life to determine if this is really true. We tried IC and MC. Didn't seem to do much and I felt like he was saying what the counselor and myself wanted to here. Ki nd of funny.....counselor told him that accusing me CONSTANTLY of having affairs might be a self fulfilling prophecy. That was way before any of this happened. I have alienated my friends (male and female) that I have had for 10 and 20 years because he disapproved of them or thought there was more to the friendships when there wasn't. Anyway, thanks for the insight!

list 5 things you have done badly in the marriage ( besides the affair )

Pep

I certainly don't want to justify my affair in any way. It is wrong and I know it. I am hurting a lot of people and they may not even know it! But when I think of my children and hurting them, that is what scares me the worst. I have been there for them every second for 4 years and will always be. I almost get angry when I hear talk about sticking it out and making it work. I feel like I have tried and tried for so many years with no help from him. So what is going to hurt my children more.....me splitting this family up or wtching their father drink 15 beers a night and then getting irritable and angry at me? I hope this doesn't come out sounding the wrong way. I just think I want to make it work sometimes and then other times, I feel like there is just nothing left. And regardless about how I feel about OM.....I do know that it is not reality. And if my marriage doesn't work, I could never be with him for many reasons. So why am I doing it? I don't know!

I may be completely crazy but I can't think of much. I think maybe the worst part is not giving him as much attention as he needed. But with all that goes on, I didn't really have a choice. I teach full time, do all of the bills, housework, etc. And....he has been little to no help with our children up until recently. He has never even given them a bath. I have felt completely overwhelmed by this life and maybe that is another thing that has led me in this direction. I have never had a moment, until now, where I felt like there weren't a million things to take care of and no time left for myself. THanks for the question - really made me think!

bump so you see my question

Pep

Is that "love" always a lie?

Yes. It is. the reason is it is based on betrayal, on lies, on non-reality. It is just a relationship based on getting a couple of needs met that werent being met.

It is based in selfishness and dishonor. Remember, if they will do it WITH you, they will do it TO you!

Very, very few relationships that begin this way will make it. And the ones that do will be plagued with problems, infidelity, etc for their existence. You have a better chance of winning the lotto than having a happy marriage with an adultery partner.

Yes, Ammm...it is ALWAYS sleezy...always wrong...and NEVER love. Not the real kind of love...the love that lasts!!

I know you are right - I do know what I am doing is sleezy and wrong. And I am probably the last person anyone would think would do such a thing. Thank you for all your input!

Both my wife and I thought she was the last person too.

Please end the affair and see what you can do or not do to save your marriage without any interference or contact with OM.

Friends can become lovers
but
lovers can never become friends

I use the term "lovers" loosely. Your relationship with OM didn't work years ago for a reason and it won't work ever again. Added to the fact he was not meant for you, you have now both forever tainted any relationship you could ever possibly have with him.

Mr. Wondering

Here's the reality.

If you want honor.

If you want dignity.

If you want to be able to face your own reflection in the mirror...

then do the noble thing.

FIX WHAT ALREADY IS FIRST.

give it a fair shot. really try it.

you are FOGGED OUT GIRL. Your OM is meeting your EN's right now...you're in full blown affair mode. He tosses your salad once a week and you're feeling nothing else other than chemicals created in your brain. THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU...it's about how he makes you feel...how you want to be this...how you want that...

Real life isn't pretty. It isn't a fantasy.

But we can make real life really nice. And great even.

First you gotta end it..Go cold turkey NC with the OP.

You'll hate it. But do it. And truly ask yourself...have you been a loving and supportive W to your H? I am sure he has his faults...BUT YOU HAVE THEM TOO.

Let's see any OP become the H here and see if this guy wants to bathe kids or diaper babies that ain't his own! How about a little bill paying? how about cutting the grass? How about morning breath day after day...cutting cheese? How's that for fantasy killing...for that is what an affair becomes....REAL LIFE...if allowed to continue.

And sadly...because the basis and foundation for this affair is built upon lies and quicksand....when things do go bad...WHEN THE FANTASY DIES...it dies faster and quicker than you could ever know.

So many people just want THEIR NEEDS MET and instead of doing the hard thing...which is the right thing by working issues through and BEING HONEST WITH THEIR SPOUSE and being loving tough...they throw themselves at the first tom, [censored] or harriet that casts them a wink and a knowing smile.

Do the right thing.

It might just be the best thing you could ever do.

Go NC. Go cold turkey. And learn and read here. We will welcome your H here too...we want to help you help your marriage and family. God bless.

And btw...I will NEVER give you any leeway for cheating. There's no place for it.