OK
So we have a part in the break down in the marriage. To accept that fully a wise move is to take a self-inventory.
I feel myself sucked into labelling myself 'co-dependent' and leaving it at that.

That's not ok -
So Old Wise Guys, if I/We are interested in making an honest effort in looking at ourselves. In my case I see it as an opportunity to journal, What questions would you have asked yourself along the way?

BTW-
I'm not sure I'm even here yet. But am excited today about the healing power that I can control so I thought I'd jump on it and explore later.
Michelle

Any new thoughts?

mcm,

Part of my own self inventory was the realization that even though I didn't actively sabotage my marriage....that I was a passive contributor. I wasn't responsible for my H's affair....but I was responsible for allowing his work situation to undermine the intimacy in our marriage. I should have stood up for myself sooner....enforced better boundaries.

I think a lot of it goes back to emotional needs- what was missing? What were you doing right? What were you not doing as well as you could? What were you not doing at all?

I know I read the books SAA and HNHN and really took inventory on how I was doing at meeting those needs.

I agree with MF & Star...... the self inventory can do much to help id boundaries and make improvements to ourselves. The WS isn't about making improvements. Their quest is one of selfish indulgence and lust. So the gap between the BS and WS widens as the BS learns to move forward.

You are at a point where you can decide to hang around waiting for a WS to disappear and your spouse to reappear or you can move fowrad and work with what is within your control.

For me, I had to learn to lessen my giver and increase my taker. Doing less in the M meant gaining more. The same amount of work had t/b done but not all by me. I am not gloating, that is the way it was and it was very hard to change. Still old habits can die and new ones can be had. It takes effort on the part of both parties involved. A little help from your Mc, supporters, etc. can also help.

JMHO,
L.

The following are some points of reflection - taken from ideas on Co-Dependency. My WH and I actually went through the questionnaires from SAA and HNHN so I have the benefit of using these to help me use the MB foundation to answer with EN and LB in mind.

1. How does worrying about others’ opinions of you effect your decisions?
2. Do you accept someone who hits or belittles you?
3. Do you excuse things that are not okay with you?
4. Do you feel the opinions of others more important than your own?
5. How do you adjust to changes at work or home?
6. When significant others spend time with friends how do you spend your time?
7. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
8. How do you communicate your needs clearly?
9. Do you belittle your ability to be who you want to be?
10. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings without fear?
11. In what ways do you felt inadequate?
12. How do you react when you make a mistake?
13. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
14. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
15. Do you make excuses for others mistakes?
16. Do you think your relationship would go downhill without your constant efforts?
17. How do you ask when you could use help to get things done?
18. How have you outlined the future for yourself?
19. Do you share your future vision with your spouse?
20. Do you set goals to obtain to reach your ideal life?
21. Do you say “no” when you can’t accomplish something?
22. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
23. How does guilt play a role in decision making?

mcm,

Like Orchid....I had to activate my taker and not just my giver. So some of the things I needed to add to my list were things like:

*Do you negotiate for what you need?
*Do you give in to the other person putting aside your own happiness?
*Do identify your boundaries clearly?
*Do you enforce those boundaries if they're crossed?
*Do you believe you will be okay without him?
*Are you so afraid of losing him that you're losing yourself?
*Are you willing to take calculated risks?
*Are you willing to lose an unremorseful or uncommited spouse?
*Are you the only one working on the marriage?
*Can you accept that you can't be successful if he doesn't eventually re-invest in the marriage?