Hi I’m new to MB and this is my first post.

I have been looking at the site for about a month and the message boards about a week. Thanks in advance for reading and replying to my situation, I know this is long but I feel I have to give as much info as possible.

My W and I both still love each other, but have going through a rough time.

She drinks a fair amount; recently she has stopped drinking hard stuff (as long as it is not in the house somewhere she could find it(none currently in house)) and has cut back a bit. She admits she has a problem but has not sought AA or other similar solutions. She does not drink during the day, when she’s taking care of the kids or has to drive anywhere. The exception is, she keeps herself to one or two, if at a party on a weekend with only a local drive. She now usually has had only one or two drinks (beer or wine) before I get home, before it was one or two hard drinks (equivalent to 4-6 drinks). We used to almost always split a bottle of wine with dinner (rarely over the last 6 or so months). I still may have 1-2 beers a night (3-4 on weekend), even though after the last time she was really wasted, I stopped completely for about a month (she for about a week). By the way, we met via friends at a bar, which she tends to remind me of any time I criticize her drinking (She: “We met a bar, duh?”).
When I get home and I can tell she’s had more than a few (not necessarily drunk), it gets me upset and I try to hold it back but I cannot help it and using point it out (Me: “You’ve been drinking.”). Anytime I do this she gets upset and feels I’m judging her and I feel she thinks I’m trying to control her.

My issue with her dinking probably came manifested it self four or five years ago. Even thought from the start (when we were dating) she would sometimes over do it at parties. She always stopped drinking when she was pregnant.

Ok, lots of negatives let me put her in some more positive light. Our son is very smart, but has social issues. Since we first moved to our present town about three years ago, she has done everything possible to see that he gets the help we need from looking at different pre-schools, to getting him an IAP with the public schools and getting him evaluated by two different program. (Just got back diagnosis of PDD-NOS and mild OCD). Before we had children, she was an elementary art teacher and I know she was great at her job. This experience and her social skills have helped her talk to my son’s teachers and other parent’s of children with issues. My 5yr daughter has speech issues and my wife has also had her evaluated and getting help for her from both the public schools and a private speech therapist (she got health care to cover this).

Okay a little negative about my LBs. I’ll start this by example of last night’s conversation we had. Yesterday on the way back from dinner with my cousin and her husband in which we had a great time, she suggest that I go down and work on the basement (my now 1 ½ year project that has slowed considerable from the start, because of it’s LB (as I now know) qualities). I suggested a movie for the kids downstairs, in the “to be” home theater and maybe I could make a little progress. She decided not to watch that the movie I had chosen, she didn’t like the actress, and my son decided to follow suit and they stayed upstairs and hung out (wife did laundry and played video games). The movie lasted about an hour and half, during which I did some work though I was mostly hanging out with the girls and watching the pretty bad movie. When I got back upstairs, she had a bottle of vermouth under the desk and was drinking directly from the bottle. It which was left over from a large cookout we a few weeks ago in which it was barely touched, but now it was about half gone. I picked and up and she said it was only wine, I pointed out it was a little stronger. She got upset, with I think both herself and me, and said she would go to bed (one of her usual “idle threat” statements). It was only 7:15PM, after a brief talk and her going to bed for a little with my youngest to get her to sleep, I gave my son a bath got him and the 5yro to bed and then took over and got the 3yro to sleep (which W probably does 4 out of 5 days).
When I got downstairs W was listening to music on the computer, a common interest between us. I sat down next to her and started to talk the conversation started with her saying that she doesn’t deserve me. She has issues with low self-esteem and depression (currently back on anti-depressants after a couple of tough years of not taking them, she had never got a new therapist, after the move 3yrs ago, until about 3 months ago). Then it turned anger, directed at me, for not giving her enough compliments even though she has asked for them for years. This is probably my biggest LB I know she needs constant praise, but after these emotional conversations, I start but don’t continue. I don’t know why I don’t continue, I try but it just doesn’t come to mind often enough. For example this weekend I didn’t compliment her on her clothes either yesterday or Saturday. She has a need to feel beautiful and sexy and I don’t seem to fulfill this need. She says I only give compliments if she “begs” for them, and then that’s too late for her. In this conversation I agreed that I’d try again and told that I was very sorry for not fulfilling her need. By this time it was about 10PM and she was less angry and said she wanted a little time alone, about 10Mins. I went to the bedroom and watched TV for 10-15Mins.
When I came down she was getting a snack and still listening to music. She said she needed another 10min she would come bed, I also got a snack and we talked a tiny bit.

As I said I’ve been reading the MB sight for about a month. Though we haven’t actually filled out the quizzes (we printed 2 EM quiz last Thursday, but both have not filled them out yet) she also has looked through the sight and read some of the articles. Without actually quantifying her EMs I believe I know her top 3 Needs:
1) Affection: For me to acknowledge and praise her for both raising the children and for her looks.
2) Sexual Fulfillment: From the 3rd date until last year, with the exception of the honeymoon (>1 a Day) and pregnancy (followed OB/GYN guildelines – no sex for x weeks after birth etc.) we probably had sex 2-4 times a week. Since a little over a year ago she says she wants it all the time, which is great, but at first I was not ready for this a was having a hard time keeping up with her and we argued and she “suppressed” her feelings, saying that I made her feel dirty. I don’t recall saying anything that implied that, but that’s the way she read me. From last year until last month it was happening 2-4/week sometimes more. Last month, since MB and other events, it’s been greater than once a day.
3) Conversation: Being alone with the kids she has limited adult interaction her closest friends work during the day so she craves conversation. We haven’t been making enough time for this. With three kids we often have little time and the family (my parents occasionally but mostly her mother) “baby sitting” goes to fulfill child needs, with the exception of 4-6 times a year we get out alone (birthdays, anniversary, once or twice during vacations and maybe a time or two otherwise). Last few weeks we’ve been trying to get the kids to bed by 8-8:30 and not watch the TV as much, I don’t think we’ve hit the 15hrs MB min yet.

My LBs: Independent Behavior: Taking time for the basement (now about 4-8 hours a month at first about 10hrs a week).
Disrespectful Judgments: I sometime get annoyed at little things (dirty dishes, messy house, etc.) and complain under my breath or sometimes a sarcastic remark. I don’t bring up my problems with her drinking or other issues in a way she feels is non-judgmental.

I’m not sure where this fits in LBs, but when we get into arguments and she brings up issue, I sometimes get defensive and bring up a counter issue. A past example:

W: ”I never have any time for myself, you never give me any time!”
I may answer:
Me: ”How about last week when I watched the kids and you went shopping?”
This was really not a good answer, when I know she was getting something we needed and it was the only time in a couple of weeks she had time to go out by herself.
Or another time the same question:
Me: “You need to take the time, I can’t give it to you!”
Again not a good answer, we’ve tried a few times to set scheduled time for her, me, us and the kids but it never seems to last long, other things come up and we stop the schedule.

Her LBs:
Angry Outbursts: A few times not just sad upset by down right mean ex: W:“I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”
Dishonesty: Trying to hide the drinking. In the past before we were married: she hid the depression. Though I found had the medicine, before the engagement, and didn’t confront her on it. I just kept hoping she would tell me, but she didn’t until after married and her friend had mentioned it in front of me, and then I told her I knew.

Now I’ll mention the latest issue starting about a month ago. After drinking too much one night, when I was asleep, she was horny and went online to adult sites and chat rooms. She had done this few times in the past, but I mentioned it and she didn’t do it again for a while. But this time it went further she got phone numbers/ calls and went into the basement and talked to some guys. She’s told me that most of the guys she just talks to she just tells them how much she loves me and tells them to give their wives/girlfriends a hug. But other times she has had phone sex and enjoys it. She also told me two weeks ago while we were away, that one married guy on the other side of the country she has had phone sex with multiple times (once a day in the morning for a couple of weeks before our vacation). She says she has no plans on ever meeting with any of these or ever having a physical relationship with anyone but me.
Slightly after the first recent night of phone sex, I was a little bit dazed and didn’t know how I felt about it was it cheating? I found the MB sight and realized that I have not been meeting her emotional needs. One night I went on the chat room with her to see what it was that she did, I didn’t mind the chatting, mostly mindless I want you stuff, but when some asked to call/phone I said No. I did this in the most non-judgmental way I could because although I’m hurt by it I am still somewhat turned on by it.
I asked her what she thought she got out of it, and she said she liked to be talked dirty to. In the past I felt uncomfortable doing this, to me it was just silly talk. But she likes it and since then we’ve been having it everyday, except one and about half the time twice a day. The sex is the best we ever had. Even after I have started to meet that SF need (she say she wants sex all day long thinking about me), she still was doing the phone sex. I know she has mixed feelings about it, feels guilty but she wants both the SF and the conversations, if there is no phone sex (which she said last time I think Wed night is what happened).

My current plan is to:
One try to get more together time, do this by getting the kids together early and not watching TV. We also talked about getting a weekend away together in the city (Boston) where we lived before the kids. We think our parents could now handle the kids for at least a couple of days, schedules permitting.
Continue to try to get her SF.
Continue to try to convince her to permanently stop the chat/phone sex.
Try to eliminate the alcohol for both of us. The non-hard stuff only, for now I guess is still better than both hard and beer/wine. Though I don’t think this even with a possible metered method, is a permanent solution.
Try to meet her affection needs, any help or methods to remember and continue to do this, as a good habit, would be welcomed.
Fill out the EN and LB questionnaires and discuss with W.

That is my situation. What I would like is some advice on how best to go about fixing what is wrong.

Thanks.
John

Info:
Me (H) 41
W 38
Started dating May 96
Married April 98
Children: S almost 7, D 5 and D 3

There is not a lot of action on this board. I recommend you post on either E/N or General Questions II. You will get more information and help there.

cinderella,

Thanks for the response, you mention General Questions II, is the general feeling of MB boards that internet/phone sex is infidelity?

Update since last post, she has agreed to stop chat rooms and phone sex. She say she knows it's wrong, which I think is a change from what she believed when she first started.

She brought up a general question, she said "No one can meet all ones need all the time", so if an EN is there constantly (all day and night), how does one fulfill that need while at work? I know some emails, phone calls and IM can help but the need to work(financial support for wife and family) has to take precedent during the day.

Hello,

You have so many problems. The first is that she is an alcholic. I had to divorce my wife for the same reason. If they do not seek help then most of the time your marriage is destroyed.

The phone sex with other men is way over the top and certainly cheating. If the roles were reversed, how do you think your wife would be feeling if you were getting off sexually with other women on the phone. It is insulting and hurtful to you and your marriage. Does your wife have any boundaries at all?