So it's been just a couple weeks shy of a year since XH left me. This is the time last year when OW moved in with us. I have been feeling really, really lonely.

I mean, it's been a year since I've had any loving contact from a partner, and I don't mean just SF. A hug, a touch, a look, heck, a caring gesture. I feel like I'm about ready to go crazy. And no, I'm not just desperate for SF. I have BOB for that (battery operated boyfriend, an acronym coined by my aunt!). I'm lonely for the connection. How do you deal with it??

And on a sort of unrelated subject, I've GOT to vent here....yet another sign I'm totally on my own.... I found out today that DD's sitter is quitting the home daycare business, and I've got less than 2 weeks to find another arrangement. It'll be very hard to find somewhere I can feel confident about for the same amount I'm paying the sitter now. Most places have long waiting lists, and anywhere will be more expensive. And of course Xh isn't willing to help any extra. His response, "Gee, I hate it for you." My reply to that, "This isn't about me. It's about DD being in a nice place that you and I feel comfortable about. We can't just dump her somewhere cheap because it's all I can afford. You have to take some responsibility here, too." He said, "You should be OK on what you have. You're in better shape than I am." And I replied, "That's BS. Your rent is half as much as mine, and you've got someone to help pay the bills if she would get a job." Grr.

Not that I'm trying to start a pity party, but I am so angry. Yes, he gives me a lot more money than he wants to already, but DD and I have more expenses than he does. His car is paid off, he lives in a cheap apartment with OW. Who is perfectly capable of working but hasn't had a job in close to a year. Where I have a car payment, student loans, and a hefty mortgage that is twice what they pay in rent, not to mention daycare which is already $100/week. DD's old center will take her back, but that's $130/week. I don't know if I can absorb an extra $120/month.

What am I supposed to do? Dump DD in a crappy daycare, which is still more than what I pay now? How do I explain that to her... sorry, honey, Daddy won't help us pay for a nicer place for you to stay all day? I've checked the paper and the local freebie parenting mag. Replied to a couple of the ads. Also called the church daycare, and they're supposed to call me back tomorrow. Grrr... why does somethign always have to go wrong, right when it seems everything is getting sorted out and settled down??

Hey Grrrl!!

Suck-y situation with the X. ((((Shimmy)))).

Just remember you are the strong one in the relationship, and your DD is going to survive this b/c of all your strength and love.

Sorry, I don't have any solutions. I'm sure I'll be in the same sitch soon.

Thanks for the hug, stonecold. It's crazy... just when I see the light at the end of the tunnel, there's a setback. Really, really stinks.

Sorry to hear about your sitch, too.

Yep, life sucks sometimes, but we'll all get thru it somehow, I know. Thank you for keeping us updated. Any time to do any shimmying lately?

BTW, I don't think I told ya, but I think the new nickiname is great. Just like you said..fake it til ya make it.

I was my own little riot grrrl back in the day. Need to remember those days when feeling blue!

As a matter of fact, we have another gig Thursday night. We're the entertainment for a retirement party for a very conservative professor. Should be interesting! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

It is extremely difficult to be a mom and work, without much support. I raised my 2 boys by myself for 10 years, from the time they were 2 and 5. Daycare was always a nightmare. I had one babysitter quit on Sunday night, and had to be at work Monday morning.

But something will come up. It always does. I would definitely search hard for someone good.

The loneliness goes away too. Soon you will be loving your life again and having fun. You just have to sort of force yourself at first.

yeah thats exactly wat it is you have to grind it out till everything becomes happy again
your young and a loving person youll get what you deserve i promise

its been 2 years since my H left and i feel the same as you do........i just miss being close with him

i miss the closeness that you can only have with a partner

Hi Shimmygrrl

The loneliness does go away, I think it happens when you stop putting your energy into WH and OW. It is then that you can focus on yourself and you start to realise that life can be good again - well that is what it is like for me. This was a gradual process for me, one day I realised I was not focussing on XWBF and OW as much anymore. I had removed myself from this situation and left them to it. Dont' get me wrong, I'm not there 100% yet, change occurs by going forward and then regressing a little but still moving forward. I can now see a bright future and I aren't scared of it anymore, in fact I count myself to be very lucky, I have a wonder DD that I get to see everyday, and don't have a XWBF to deal with unless I have to, the realisation of what he has given up will hit him one day and I won't be around or have to deal with the fallout. I am also enjoying being by myself, and don't want to rush into anything too fast, I don't feel ready to do this and don't think it would be fair on the other person if I did. I still need to heal and it takes time.

Re the DD daycare - it is a tough one, but I have had to make the same decision and ended going for the more expensive option which gave me more peace of mind so I felt confident about leaving DD each morning and not worrying about her during the day.

Re WH coming up with paying more for the DD daycare - it isn't going to happen, life is about him right now and he isn't going to want to part with anymore of his cash. Your WH is in an 'all care no responsibility'. Wants to be involved with DD but doesn't want the reponsibility of what that really means.

Take care shimmygrrl

You are absolutely right, NZ, about the all care and no responsibility. Described XH to a T.

When I came back downstairs last night after hanging out at the computer, I saw he had called me. Thinking he'd had a change or heart or a crunch at the numbers or even an idea, I called him back.

He basically reprimanded me for criticizing him. "I wanted to talk to you about what you said tonight," he said, like he was my dad or something. "You need to get control of your emotions when DD is around." Keep in mind that when I said what I said earlier, I was running DD's bathwater, and DD was in the other room. Yes, maybe I shouldn't have said what I said, but I seriously doubt she heard.

I explained that I was extremely bothered by his flippant remark, "Gee, that's too bad for you." when this is an issue that affects our daughter. Then he said, "You do the math. I only make XXXX in take home pay every month, and XXXX (2/3) is going to you. I only have $475 for the month." THAT is a lie. When he got his job at the PD, he showed me the letter to prove how much $ he was making and said he could handle the expense easily. He makes more than I do, and there's no way his take-home is a whole $200 less than mine, considering I have the family insurance plan for DD and me, which takes a big chunk of my check every month. And why is he complaining to me about it?? Oh, poor XH, now he has to live with the consequences of his bad, selfish decision. Geez, isn't it bad enough that I'm coping with single motherhood and the recent death of my mother?? He is so selfish.

But I didn't say anything, even though I could have gone off on his choice of OW, since she's been unemployed for so long. Won't take a job that's not in her very narrow specialized field, even though she has plenty of experience in retail management. Not the most glamorous job, but it's not as bad as it could be, and you do what you have to to pay the bills. It'd be a lot more respectable than borrowing money from her XH and mom. But I said nothing about it.

I was so wound up and upset after he called that I couldn't sleep. Glad I have a friend in California, three hours behind me, so I called her. We talked for about an hour. Also helps that she's getting her PhD in psychology. It turned into a whole post-mortem of the relationship. She said maybe it will give me a little bit of comfort to know that he sounds like he is miserable. It doesn't. At all.

Grrr. Wish me luck about finding a new daycare arrangement.

Shimmygrrl - I wouldn't worry about what XW is saying - it will all be untruthful, he hasn't changed his spots and if you recognise that it won't make you as mad because you expect to hear the lies.

In my situation XWBF promised to pay a weekly amount of child support and half of DD daycare costs. When money got tight he visited and told me this very sad story about how he didn't have much money and that he couldn't afford to pay DD daycare anymore and in 3 months time he would have no money at all, he doesn't go out much, he only eats soup blah blah blah. I just looked at him and said oh that is no good - but you shouldn't be coming to me to help you out financially, you have chosen OW, go to her for financial help which he didn't - he didn't want to burst the bubble. He told me that if we were still together he would be having the same problems, and I said maybe, but I would also be prepared to help you out, and as I see it, that is no longer my role, go to OW for help! We agreed to continue with things as they were and if in 3 months time he had no money we would cross that bridge when we came to it. This story was coming from a guy that in the last 6 months had spent 3 weeks on holiday in China with OW, 2 weeks on holiday in Australia with OW and was pleading povety. In the end he just stopped paying straight away and I am now getting his income assessed to make sure that I am getting the right amount of money for DD. I don't believe anything he says anymore, on most things he as done exactly what he said he wasn't going to do.

So I guess I am wondering if you have a legal agreement that states that WH has to pay half of DD daycare, or do you get a set amount a month? Just wondering if you can enforce that he pays his half? Also if you have a financial agreement does it state how much he is earning - otherwise you wouldn't be able to work out how much he should be paying. Just some thoughts.

(hug) I'm sorry about your situation and childcare issue. That is a tough one, especially for mothers, I think

I'm newly separated and have no answers about the loneliness; for me it is all encompassing right now. I miss my husband with all of my being. I am trying to get out and do things with friends, and I have a few good ones.. but they are all married with young families and I find myself getting very sad listening to their day to day talks. My only hobby is a solitary one, for the most part; scrapbooking...and it's very hard to do right now because it involves working with pictures and memories. Reading doesn't help with the loneliness. Spending time on the computer doesn't help. The only other thing I do is take the dog for a walk. At least he is loyal.

I can somewhat relate. WH is living with OW, has been for 4 months. I am somewhat envious of him, that he has her to go home to everynight and hug, kiss, etc. Sick huh?

I start feeling sorry for myself in that he chose her, I didn't ask for this, why do I have to suffer etc. etc.

Yeah I do have kids and a dog, but it's not the same as a H.

I try and do things for me, but I am always thinking of WH, so I really get no benefit.

I hear the same stuff, he's paying me alot, HAS to live with OW to have her help him now with the bills. I told him to ask her for help. She should be paying half of his bills anyway, if she is living with him. But like NZ said, maybe he doesn't want to burst the fantasy bubble.

We just went to court recently for temp. orders for financial support, so these are in place unitl D is final in a few months.

I still am unsure as to if I want D or not. Have no choice now as WH wnts it.

I feel for you.

Shimmy,

There are plenty of people in your sitch.

When my Mom and Dad got a divorce my mom was a SAHM for the most part.

She started going to parents without partners.

http://www.parentswithoutpartners.org/

Not to meet a man but to find a group of women she could associate with.

She came out of her shell and met some really nice women in the same sitch as her.

She had the same issues as you with the kids rent etc. She actually met another woman in the same sitch and she became a room mate to help defer the cost from my mom. They also babysat for each other for free.

In our area they had a lot of events and she started going to them. The people there are not out for a one night stand etc. Most of them went because they didn't want to do the whole single scene again.

One night my mom saw her friends boyfriend and grabbed him by the arm to say hello. OOPS wrong guy she was really embarrased by it. They have now been married 20 years.

I know it is not for everyone but at least they know where you are and where you have been.

Good luck. Tell bob I said hi.

Hurtingless... there isn't an active PWP group in my area. There used to be, a long time ago, but not anymore. I do know a couple single bellydancin' mamas like myself and feel like I've got a great group of friends, but like brokeshopaholic said, they're all married and have young families, etc. It's painful, especially when the daddy gets home and the kids go nuts over him. All I can think of is, poor DD doesn't have that, and I miss it, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

NZgirl.... he pays a set amount directly to the daycare provider every month, no more, no less. And it's only 1/4 of her current expenses. Cheap, cheap, cheap! But the good news is, my boss is dead-set on getting me a raise. We've just got to convince the big boss I deserve it, too. So I've been poring over job descriptions and writing tables, analyzing what I do in comparison to what I'm paid for and what I SHOULD be paid for. Who knows what'll come out of it, but any little bit will help.

Glad to know I'm not the only one getting the "poor, pitiful me" crud from the X, catgirl.

I am thinking about doing something crazy next week. The local American Cancer Society is hosting a speed date night as a fundraiser. It's only $30, and it might be fun. Has anybody tried it? Believe me, I'm not looking to get anything out of it....I just need to get out and mingle with people. I think getting out around some grown-ups for a change would do me a lot of good.

I say go for it. I made myself get out and do things. I told all my friends, my neighbors, and workmates that I wanted to start doing anything.

I have done all kinds of things - trips to Mexico, parties at the yacht club, scuba-diving, going to free concerts, movies, dances, horseback riding, the gym, the beach, bird-watching, you name it.

Get busy and go out. I know it is harder with a baby, but maybe you can join classes at the Y. When my babies were young, I went swimming with them, exercise, reading at the library, etc.

Heck shimmmygirl...I am thinking about taking up your "sport" too...sounds pretty cool...and I am revamping myself up.

I am always here too...your local bw buddy who is also a mom who has to make a budget.

I am going to think really hard about the childcare issue...that luckily was one issue I was able to successfully tackle with darth..made him liable for all educational expenses and got ds in private school.

as for me though? I have to pay for after school care and some other expenses...books, and uniforms...and money is nothing like it used to be.

We do whatever we have to do for our babies. Period. It isn't glamorous. And nobody is here day in day out to support us emotionally except US...we are your support group honey.

Trust me..being a single divorced mom takes a toll. You gotta work...be the best mom you can be...take care of a house..do all the things inside and outside of that house..and manage to stay sane in the progress!

JP... you mean bellydancing?? It's pretty easy to find classes since it's getting to be so popular. I say go for it!! I think you would love it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Yoga studios usually offer it, and I've heard of regular gyms that offer it as a fitness class, too. I can also point you in the direction of some great dvd's if you want to give it a shot at home first. Just lemme know.

About the childcare issue, we went and met someone yesterday after work. She has a really nice set-up at her home, with a really cool playground, fenced in, out back. They have structured activity time, and she serves breakfast, which would save us time in the morning. She's licensed, been doing it for years, and has help from her cousin and mom. Seems like a great place and great lady. The catch? It's across town from work and not really on the way. I've got two more to check out (one in my neighborhood), and I'm going to get on the waiting list at the church center too.

You're lucky about DS's school arrangement. I wish I could've gotten XH to be liable for more of her expenses... He only has to pay $100/month for her daycare, which is 1/4 of the expense currently and will be even less of the new place, whereever that ends up to be. In January, you better believe I'll be investigating my legal options when the new law takes effect, the one that says you have to pay a more equal proportion of childcare and medical costs.