He called briefly today..was happy to hear my voice. I briefly spoke w/him...maybe five minutes.

I called him back briefly to ask him a question tonight...

Here is what I heard...

I am gonna get back w/you on that one. I am here at the mall shopping...Train Wreck and work friend are here with me.

Me: Don't bother anymore. This is lame and stupid.

I am almost too angry to cry. I feel really dumb and ignorant right now.

I was stupid to think otherwise. he is NOT WORTH my 180.

He had to speak in CODE! code to try to hide the call. To casually say what he was doing so he wouldn't get in trouble having ME...the nice girl...the girl he dated call him back to get the answer God forbid.

I am sad...very very very sad right now.

he is an utter disappointment.

i have just deleted all contacts...home, cell, work, suv..etc. all methods by which to contact him ever again have been erased. i can remember a few of em. but I will 100 percent make it an effort to forget it.

may he and the train wreck have what they deserve...after all...if you know what you're getting at the get go...how can you expect anything different?

like my einstein quote.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the outcome to be different.

I am NOW APPLYING IT TO MYSELF.

I've stopped this insanity.

Damned it...thought this guy was the one. I am so ashamed of him..for him...and mostly of me.

It's ok, Peach. Sometimes you have to look at the fruit real closely to see that it is undesirable.

yea but cindy I am really down...very very down tonight.

i feel SOOO DUMB. so stupid. she was maybe there all along right?

i feel like an idiot. I LET MY GUARD DOWN <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

how do I ever do this again? I don't want to.

I am worried that trust is gonna be something I will have a real problem with.

This sux....and hurts immensely.

thank you cindy.

(((Hugs))) Peachy! I know how badly you are hurting right now. You deserve to be loved by someone who is honest and can give you 100%. This will hurt for a while, but feel your pain and then let it go. Give yourself credit for getting out while you can.

The right one is out there. You will find him!

Take care and God bless!

K

I don't want to find anybody. I want to run and put my head under the covers RIGHT NOW.

I am sick to death of this. It hurts. HE WAS MY FRIEND...

friends don't do this do they? not real friends.

It's sickening. I feel lousy. Stupid and lousy.

I don't know if I can trust again.

Peachy I really feel for you. You are right, this hurts. I can totally relate having been lied too by my now XBF repeatedly. He too was a friend, and I gave him my all only to be lied to and abused. The thought of another relationship right now makes me so scared.

What we have to keep in mind is all that we have been through and overcome already. We are strong and loving women. We may be down, but we are not out.

Hang in there!

Take care and God bless!
K

Thank you still reeling...I thank you alot.

I have tried to phone one MBer BW friend of mine..she's at work through...

I never thought HE would do that...not after our history...no lies in it either...

I just want to be alone now...no dating. Nothing. I miss my ds and sooo need a hug right now. I feel horrible. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hey {{{ Peachy }}}} and {{{Still Reeling}}} girls don't give up on all of us because of a few bad apples.

Peachy, don't try and figure this one out. I wrote you a few days ago using the example of going to a car dealership and being offered a Chevy Cavalier and a Porsche 911 then standing there saying "well, I am not sure which one I want". As stupid as this sounds when it comes to the minds of WS or WBF or Waywards period there is no rationalizing their choices or behavior. My STBXW's OM is not even in the same country must less ballpark when compared to me, yet she is with him (even though everyone but her sees the train wreck (sorry for the use of that phrase) coming).

I refuse to spend one more day trying to figure out what is impossible to figure out. I invite both of you to do the same.

God bless you both!

Oh I want to soooo bad hope and pray...soooo bad.

But it's right there...

And thankfully physically I am 3 hours from it. That is itself a blessing.

I am going to reteach myself how to forget about the person I thought was my friend. The guy who could've been the one.

He isn't it.

He is making a pathetic attempt to become a player.

And he lost his game tonight...I'm gone forever.

I just slammed the phone down. Immediately. No chance for an answer.

Heck he couldn't call me back if he wanted tooo...SHE WAS THERE. And she hates me. I know that.

I could care less really about her.

It's the sin of omission he told me. The lie he kept from me. He didn't lie TO ME>>>he LIED FROM ME.

And I opened my heart up finally..openly 100 percent to him...we'd spend hours talking...even when we were together. Just doing fun things.

It's like I need my brain washed or something...I want to forget all the bad stuff...

I am still recovering from the lies and the horror I lived when I was a BS with darth. That has taken the most to live down.

and then? I think I finally meet somebody I can really trust...somebody who has never betrayed my trust before...somebody who lamented the day I married darth and called it the blackest day of his life? I am sickened by the mere thought of him now.

I feel used. Used and stupid. And really sad.

And all of us been there done that... So what?
Even the worst experience becomes the best one if you learn something from it. And you did!
So, you are richer than before this, right?!!

{{{{{Peachy}}}}}

So sorry to hear this... as you said, he sounded like "the one". How do we dare to trust, how do we know who is worthy of trust, how do we overcome our fear again? What do you think is the lesson here?

I know it hurts, Peachy.
Time helps everything, and the trust will be there when it is right. There are probably tons of guys out there who would love to date you, pray that God will help weed them out, be cautious, be picky and it will happen in God's perfect timing. Patience is so hard sometimes!!!!
KK

Hey Peachy...I haven't been on this forum for awhile, but I'm back a bit more now. You may recall I don't live far away. I offered to help you find a job at a hospital back when you were looking in the Atlanta area.

Anway, just wanted to say first I'm VERY sorry for all of this pain in your life. Here's a hug...{{{Peachy}}}

Then I want to say this:

1. We all tend to live our lives in patterns. We repeat ourselves over and over and...you get the idea. With this in mind, here's a very important book to read (recommended by a fellow MB about 2 yrs ago for me): Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce & Building a New Life by Abigail Trafford. I don't agree with some things she says in it because of her secularist/humanistic views, but it has been one of the clearest teachings for me about the repeat our patterns things. Also, she describes in a way I've never heard about how we unconciously negotiate our way into "deadlock" instead of Wedlock!! VERY insightful.

2. Second read is a book by Joshua Harris: "Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship". I find this book teaches a value-based approach to securing a true life companion meanwhile safeguarding your heart. Here's an exerpt:

"If you're fed up with self-centered relationships that end in disillusionment, it's time to rethink romance. Finding the loving, committed relationship you want shouldn't mean throwing away your hopes, your integrity, or your heart!!!"

I hope this helps. I've read many of your stories & the repetition of pain you seem to end up in. I think you're an awesome person who deserves a whole lot better than you're getting. So at the risk of sounding Dr. Phil"ish" ... how's this been working out for ya?

Reboot Peachy!!! Control+Alt+Delete!!!!!

Wishing U the best!
High Flight

Peach, I really hope I don't offend you with what I am about to say....

You need to slow down. The way your posts read to me are that you are desperate to have someone in your life on a permanent basis and very guy you've posted about, here, you thought was "the one." It sounds like you invest WAY too many emotions before it is appropriate and, then, you are hurt when the person backs off. It could be that you are, either verbally or non-verbally, sending the signal that you want a commitment and this scares men off because its too soon in the relationship to be talking that way....That would explain XBF running back to Train Wreck - he knows she's safe from a commitment standpoint.

Just my 2 cents from what I learned from my 26 years of dating...


Regards,

BB

Whoa. He's exhibiting some really scary WS behavior. He wants you to participate in hiding your relationship with him from TW. He wants you to be OK with him spending time with HER, as if she is the legitimate girlfriend.

ICK.

I think he's testing your boundries to see if you will compromise and let him have both of you while he gets to pick which one he wants.

What exactly is going on here? Have you had any kind of heart to heart about what his intent is? Your descriptions of your conversations with him seem to cut him off before you get into what he thinks he's doing. What is his plan? To see you both?

I know we're seeing a fraction of the content -- but what I have gathered is that he discloses (or you surmise) something; then you have an emotional reaction to it and shut down the relationship; then you continue to have contact.

You can't continually tell him thats "it" for you; and then contact him again. What a disasterous message to send him!

Why don't you find out what his intentions are with TW. What is the status of their relationship? It seems like it has resumed. What is his plan for his relationship with you? Does he plan on seeing both of you?

Once you know where his head is at, then you can make your choice. Continue to see him, remain in contact and do your 180 stuff. Or truly take yourself out of the picture COMPLETELY.

But please don't give him the message that you are "done" and then go on contacting him. That's degrading for you. And that is why you are feeling used.

I'm guessing that maybe you thought he would pull his head out sooner than he seems to be doing. That after hearing your statements about losing you; he would come to his senses sooner and drop TW in a flash.
That doesn't seem to be happening.

I suspect he beleived you when you said you were done. Thats why he's still seeing her -- there was no point in not seeing her / he had already lost you.

I am strongly advising you to DECIDE what direction you want to take. And make your communications in line with that choice. Don't say one thing and do another!

So, even now, if you want to fight for him, we will help you in that direction! (I think that is what you want)
If you truly mean what you are saying about being done, then you need to stick to it.

((I'm about a month away from a big decision, and I hope you will help me with it when the time comes. I might need a similar kick in the butt!))

Peachy, I’m sorry he didn’t choose you. In some ways, the decks were stacked. She had the home field advantage and a lot of recent history, and he hadn’t been broken up with her that long. So, while he used you to get over her, or fill in, I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself. He’s probably a nice guy, but not where you need him to be when it comes to emotional wisdom and caring. It’s pretty easy to fall for those people.

On another thread High Flight and Brit/Brat said very eloquently something I’ve wanted to point out. J is part of a pattern. If you want to change this pattern of heartache, there are at least two approaches you can take. The one approach is to look outward at the kinds of men you meet, and are attracted to, and question that. You might start trying to date men you normally wouldn’t. Go places you normally wouldn’t, etc.

The other approach is to look inward at yourself. Why do you attract the kind of men who blow hot and cold? What messages are you sending to men about who you are, and do they conflict with who you really are? (I think this one is important based on the description of the types of women your exs seem to go for. People generally like similar types. Maybe they thought you were one way, and when you weren’t, they moved on.) You can also examine your expectations and behavior.

I hate to see you go through the horrible down periods that follow the early intense highs. I hope you can break out of the cycle.

Lexxxy - I feel like you are saying that Peach expected him to validate her feelings about herself.

No one can make you feel used, Peach.

Don't be wishy-washy on the no contact. No one understood the 180 thing, and now I think you see why. If you don't WANT to be involved in a triangle, then you've got to be a lot stronger, and not pick up the phone when it hurts.

History shows you say one thing and do another. Would you listen this time? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

History also shows there have been a bunch of super-cool-awesome-hot-possiblytheONE guys in your not too distant past. I feel like you are expecting each of these guys in turn to live up to some fantasy standard. When they don't fit Peachy's mold of perfection, you start the games. And they are games. Are you subconsciously so afraid of ending up with another Darth that you run them off when things start to look promising?

Don't feel stupid peachy, you opened yourself up to what you felt was a good chance at a good relationship. That this man turned out to be undependable, & many other disappointing things, is not within your control.

All you can do is learn from this & know you're a good person deserving of a great relationship. You'll get it & look back at this man who is attracted to a trainwreck & be thankful it's not you in her shoes.

Peachy, that totally sucks. I'm so sorry. I can't help ya on the trust issue, since that's the same mountain in front of me. Just know that you're not alone.