Well, I'm at the end of my rope. I've swung between considering
suicide, to wanting to torch my house.

Here's the story: My wife of six years this month left me last Monday
with my two children, daughters five and one. I went to work at 3pm,
everything was fine, she kissed me, fixed my lunch and I went to work.
I came home at 11pm and lights were off, no one was there, random
items were missing. I called my family immediately and we got looking.
The deal is, she's done this before. 3 years ago to the month.

We've had no major fights, no major issues, the only thing we argue
about is how my wife keeps the house. This is a normal issue in
marriages, but not quite so in mine. My wife spends all day on a
computer. She chats, she plays games, watches TV alot of the day, then
at about 10pm she does the dishes, starts folding some clothes. I
don't like it that she waits so long, but I've learned to deal with it.

The main problem is she doesn't clean. She doesn't sweep, mop, clean
toilets, doesn't wash clothes except almost always I have to ask her
to run some laundry. She lets food rot in the fridge, I ask her to
clean it out, but to no avail. She just can't manage her time. The
worst of it she doesn't bathe the children regularly. She herself
doesn't take showers regularly. Our room is a neverending pile of
clothes, both clean and dirty. It's a large issue in our marriage for
me and one of the only things we argue about. And I mean argue, we
haven't had a "fight" in a long time.

So going back three years. We had alot of problems, we fought alot,
and she started seeing someone online. I came home, she left me and
flew to San Jose, CA. No note, no communication, nothing. It was the
worst day in my life. I am extremely computer savvy, having worked
quite a few jobs in the indutry and have considered Computer Forensics
as a field. I managed to track down the people she was talking to,
found out she had been telling them I was abusive, and they were
supporting her and reinforcing the belief she had that she was abused.

The whole deal is she wasn't abused. We were both fighting, if there
was mental and emotional abuse, I feel it was mutual. But she decided
to tell people it was also physical.

Well to make a long story short, I tracked her down, convinced these
people she had issues and I wasn't abusive, and got to her before the
man she had met on the internet from England got to her. I begged and
pleaded for her to come home so we could work on it. She came back,
we've worked on it, had another child. it had been great. Or so I
thought.

Here's the reason she left, and the reason she told a judge. I'd
noticed something was up for the last couple of months. Just an eerie
feeling, I felt odd. She'd been a bit distant. I've always heard that
if you maybe think someone is cheating, it's a good chance they are.
So last Saturday, I sat her down while my mom had the kids and asked
her if she was cheating. She said no, and I said well I needed to
discuss what happened three years ago. I told her I had placated her
back then, told her whatever I needed to tell her to get her to come
back. I didn't believe I abused her, I do think she has bi polar
tendancies and that I guess I hadn't forgiven her. We talked it over,
crying, and she said maybe we needed counseling, and I said no, I
don't think one would help.

The bi polar thing is that one sister of hers is full blown bi polar
schicsophrenic *sic*, and her mother was also, who left her at the age
of 9 and she's never seen her again.

So after we talked it over, I thought we were okay, we went out,
rented movies, watched them together, enjoyed a romanitc interlude,
and life went on.

Sunday came, everything normal. We went to my dad's for dinner, came
home. Since it was still daylight, we went into the backyard to play
on the swingset with my girls. Something happened. While my younger
daughter was playing on a swing, my older daughter caused the swing
thing to move, making her fall. My wife exclaimed "Ashley!", and I
smacked my daughter in the back of the head lightly. You know, just a
pop to say "You shouldn't have done that." But she was standing in
front of a bar and I caused her to hit her forehead on it. It was a
complete accident, and nothing was said at the time except me telling
my daughter I was sorry, and that I hadn't meant to do that. Life went
on.

So, now what happens, I went to a lawyer to try to get custody of the
kids, since we figured out she went to a shelter in another town.
While the lawyer was doing something at the courthouse, she found out
my wife had filed a Protective Order, naming my older daughter as the
Petitioner. She claims the incident I mentioned was intentional, she
also mentions a disciplinary event that happened on Friday, she claims
I ran up behind my daughter and spanked her with my full force ten
times. I actually spanked her once from behind. If I would have hit a
five year old with my full force, she would have been flung. I would
never do that.

She also claims I threatened to kill our dogs by taking them to a busy
intersection and leaving them. This is a complete fabrication. She
also put on there that I called at her family cursing and have
harrassed an acquiantance of hers. She doesn't have any acquaintences
to harrass, she has no friends except online, and I never cursed at
her family, and I've been nothing but calm with them this time. Last
time this happened, MY MOTHER cursed and got annoyed with her family,
but not me, not to mention, how can you put what happened three years
ago on a protective order about NOW?

Honestly, the Protective Order is BS. Even if I did EVERYTHING on it,
the worst I would have to go to is anger management. The police have
never been called to my house, no reports have ever been filed,
there's no proof. My lawyer says she asked the judge about it, that
there has to be more because there's just not enough there, and all
she was told was the judge had "irrefuteable evidence". I think I have
a right to know what the ****** that evidence is. She's not quite right
in the head and I want to know how far she's gone.

But, if she's in a shelter, we can't get any messages to her, neither
can my lawyer. I want to get us counseling, I want to go to anger
management to get that over once and for all, and I want her to so a
psychiatrist for the bi polar tendancies once and for all. I don't
believe my marriage is over.

I found this post on a forum for women, in which she lays out the
problems and says she loves me. Why she didn't actually discuss these
things with me, I have no clue. Let me know what you think I should do.


POSTED FROM ANOTHER FORUM BY MY WIFE A MONTH AGO

My husband has been giving me a hard time because he thinks he should
be able to see that I did hard work the entire time he's at his job. I
should have 8 hours of work done. He wants me to take care of two
small children, cook, clean, laundry, paint a base coat on his
scenery, and run something on the computer. We never go out cause we
have to save every penny we can because he wants to get rid of our
debt. He thinks taking me out or the kids and I out is a waste of
money or his personal time. He's pushing me to find a job that makes
at least 18 dollars an hour.
(Yeah right, with an associates degree and no job experiance in
Oklahoma..)
He just ordered a 2000 dollar computer and informs me I will really
need to get a job and work harder around the house and help with his
scenery he sells on ebay more. His mom has the kids for the night and
he informed me I should have extra work done today cause I don't have
kids. (That's what he thinks I should be able to do if I do nothing
but clean all day long and then extra)

I'm extreamly fustrated. He thinks I should just cook, clean, and
slave all day long with nothing to look forward to exept to be told
how mad he is cause I didn't do what he wanted me to. He used to help
around the house a little bit, but while I was REALLY sick while
pregnant with my 1 1/2 yr old he quit doing the dishes once a week. He
used to take the trash out but I started doing that and if I leave it
over night he makes nasty comments that he's the only one who takes
the trash out even though he stopped.

I know his job is hard and hot. I try and make extra nice sandwiches
for him since he doesn't want to take microwave meals but now he's
complaining about that. He comes home barks at me usualy, gets on the
comp plays that till 3-5am wakes up around noon gets on the computer,
eats the lunch I fixed, goes to work and starts over again. We're both
computer geeks, but geezus! At least I'm off when the kids are awake.
He barely eats lunch with us any more. Treats it like a waste of his
time when we want him to spend time with us and gets defensive and
angry when others tell him he's not spending enough time with the kids.

And from the way he's been behaving I think he's working up to his
usual we need to talk lecture where I sit on the couch and am told how
terrible a wife I am because I don't clean the house to his standards.
I'll be told I'm mentaly unstable usualy and there probably will be a
threat that if I don't ship up he's going to send me to my
grandparents with out the girls, while I'm being asked over and over
again what am I going to do to fix this problem. (pretty much makes me
say I'm sorry I'll try harder over and over and over)

He's not all bad but it's like being married to Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde
and Mr. Hyde shows up a lot when he's mad at other people or annoyed
about other things like work or finances. I don't remember a big
target being painted on my back when I said I do. I didn't say I would
be your verbal punching bag till death do us part.

I'm just so glad I'm going to oregon for three weeks with the girls
with out him. Maybe he'll be in a better mood when I get back. Some
how I doubt it.

Thanks for letting me complain. It's fustrating with out anyone I can
talk with.

END POST

I don't think my lawyer is treating this as she should, she's looking
at it as a normal divorce, and that's not how I want to pursue it. Not
right now, anyhow. I don't want to file for divorce in case she's at
all open for counseling. After it gets rolling, it gets expensive, as
I found out last time, and it almost ruined us last time financially.


Please help me, I don't know what to do. She won't respond to emails, I have no contact with her. I don't know what to do! After reading alot of Dr Harley's articles and concepts, I see we made alot of mistakes on both sides. I don't know how to keep this from moving on to final divorce.


Thanks in advance.

Travisty,

I'm not a counselor but like everyone else here I'm going through divorce too. My advice is short and simple. Breathe... and instead of considering only actions that you should be taking try considering doing nothing for a while. There's a lot of good books out there, many recommended on this site. Also, It sounds like you might benefit from seeing your own counselor. You might learn some things that will be hard to accept on your own. Best of luck,

Peter

I did pick up His Needs, Her Needs today, almost finished it. It feels like a behind the scenes look into my marriage. I so desperately want to try all these ideas, but my wife is still not contacting me in any way, and won't answer my emails.

I called a marriage counselor, but at this point I feel like it's a aste of money. I have no idea what she wants at this stage, and I may need every cent. I'm just so lost.

Trav,

Welcome...you've made your way to what I believe is the best possible place to be for yourself and your marriage.

What you can do is called personal recovery...and Plan A...tough to do separated, no way of contacting...and very difficult when you're in so much pain.

My suggestion is a physical letter...carefully and honestly written...it can be conveyed to her through her attorney.

Own all that you did, believed, felt and why you chose to act as you did...a letter of repetenance for the state of the marriage before her A.

This is not to answer how she saw the marriage...to sit only in your own perspective, assessing it now, with your new knowledge.

This action, regardless of result, is a healing and powerful tool for you. You recoverying your self.

You can probably find a lot inside you that she showed in her post...resentment, which you created as she created her own, dishonesty (not being open and honesty by omission), believing she could make you feel, think and believe anything...and her believng you could.

I had a similar experience with my oldest son when he was four...popping him on the butt and him hitting his forehead on the headboard...and my intent was not to abuse, but I did. When you feel defensive, you believe you're being attacked (and yes, this type of order can be very attacking)...also know that a part of that is a shield against honesty...you sound like you regret popping the back of her head...know that.

Being in a wayward state of mind...is Entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. Justifications, finding evidence to contradict what someone else thinks...those are signals. She believes one thing. Don't DJ it...read Love Busters, get to know this mindset...so you can have a respectful relationship with yourself and others...no matter the outcome.

Did you expose her affair?

Snooping is better than asking if someone is cheating...that's like asking the liar to tell the truth this once...another self-deception to be aware of...

None of what I'm saying here is telling you that you did wrong, that you're the cause of anything...in fact, I'm saying the opposite...you can't cause, control or cure anyone else of anything at any time. You are only those things to yourself. Knowing your limit and real power (your choices) will clear up your lost feeling.

You're right here.

You're worth IC, Trav...you are.

In your corner,

LA

Thanks, I'm writing a letter. As far as we know, she doesn't have an attorney, none is listed on the PO, but I still haven't been served with it, which my lawyer thinks is odd.

Anyhow, thanks for the advice, I'm going to give the letter a shot. I don't see anything else I can do at this point except wait.

Do you have a physical address for her? What do you know through her relatives or through yours?

This letter is really important, whether she sees it or not...

Books you can be reading (taking action)...all of the Harley's books, including Surviving An Affair (SAA)...include Gary Chapman's "Five Languages of Love" --from both of your posts, this one sounds key--and "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend.

Reading, gathering knowledge, is action...even if it doesn't build a structure or change the outside much...your inside matters.

What does your lawyer say about her withholding the kids? And how do you really know there's been a PO issued if you haven't been served?

I'm not experienced in the legal area...so this is me showing my ignorance...not me questioning your truth.

LA

I know there is a PO because my lawyer checked to see if our divorce from three years ago was still on file, and it was. While she was there, she actually saw my wife and one of my daughters filling out the PO, she just didn't know it at the time. She looked to see if anything else was there, and there was the PO.

She's in a shelter in the next town over, that's all I know. In fact, that's just guesswork, from having the police call the cab company she took and deduce that "it was near a shelter". I just wanted to know if they were alright at the time. My lawyer is looking into ways to get in contact with her through state agencies, but it's taking dreadfully long and she doesn't call me back half the time.

The PO says I cannot have contact with "her" because the PO is about my older daughter. Technically it says nothing about my younger daughter, so legally I have a right to see her. But the police say that since she is their mother and an adult, I cannot fill out a missing persons.

It's like since I can't find them, I'm out of luck. I understand that real battered women need help and a shelter is a wonderful idea, but she is using this as a way to get out of the marriage with the kids, and it's wrong.