Hey All, after about 1 year of being away pursuing life & healing & a relationship of substance, I'm back here (actually been reading others things mostly for awhile). And I have a question. To set the stage:

A short update -- I found a wonderful person who lives about 150 miles away from me. We've pursued a relationship since May 05. Most weekends we've spent together. Compatibility is high. Backgrounds are similar. We do care much for each other.

There are a couple of BIG ticket INcompatibilities however.

1. We both have careers that are awesome & force us to continue to live where we do now. Which means if we went forward, we'd have a long-distance marriage. See each other primarily on weekends, have 2 houses, have to travel back & forth to have a marriage, etc. I could make this work in that I own my own plane & can commute that way. She also is unselfish enough to drive down. But it is very unconventional & expensive & I worry about it some. In some ways I like the idea. We both retain a sense of independence & keep our own places with our own personalities & preferences (which are not offensive to each other so far). But would that change with time & marriage????

2. This is BIGGER. She is 9 yrs younger. She would like to be a mother. I'm 48. I don't want to start another family at this age. I want to focus on my life work until retirement, then enjoy retirement. I also want to attend to my 2 teenage boys' needs best I can at this time. I'm a faithful father who always is there for my 2 boys. I don't want to dilute that. She would like to be a mother so much she has both begun to check into adoption as a single person + she mentioned to me that there's one thing she's always known for her life...that she wanted to be a Mom!!!

To me, this is very significant. I cannot ignore it. It won't go away. It is likely to be a source of resentment & anger in the future if she decides she doesn't want to lose me so she gives up the idea of kids at this time, etc. It will resurface in my opinion. It's happened to me before.

So with the combined long-distant marriage + need of kids problem, I've pulled back to just being friends. She's reluctantly gone along with this, but we both do truly care about each other & I'm fighting feeling very depressed & facing the reality of being 48 & not finding a true life partner easily ... if at all.

Will I ever really find someone who is what I need & want & I'm what she needs & wants & fall in love again? Is how I'm starting to feel.

Does her idea of being a Mom include the possibility of only being a step-Mom? My sister is 37 and has some medical issues. At this point, it’s unlikely she’ll have her own children, so she’s looking for a DWM with kids, preferably who spend a lot of time with their dad.

If she wants an infant of her own, that would be a deal breaker for me. Like most people here, I’ve seen what happens when one person wants kids and the other doesn’t. While I think she may temporarily give up the idea, I doubt it would really go away.

I personally wouldn’t go for the commuting marriage because it’s like being married legally, but not married in life.

On the other hand, if the kids thing were out of the picture and she were willing to give up her career and relocate, that wouldn't worry me at all.

Two BIG issues to overcome. Both by themselves break up relationships. To start a marriage with these problems seems to me a HUGE disadvantage. Really a no go.

Please don't take this the wrong way but I have to wonder...why, if you've experienced this problem of women wanting children when you are clearly done, do you get involved with women in that particular age range? Not just once apparently but again.

Also, if she's always pictured herself with children why did she wait until 39? She must know the odds are severly against her. So I don't think you should feel you are taking away her dream. It's unrealistic to wait for the perfect moment for children then assume you'll be able to have them simply because you want to. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I think many people believe if they plan well enough they can get all they want.

I do see your situation having a better chance of working if she REALLY gives up the desire for children. Perhaps AGG's GF has something to say about this.

I agree with GG, she gives up the idea of kids & one of you moves things would be looking rosey.

Many thanks for the good thoughtful replies. I should have given more info.

She was married for 10 yrs. Her ex had an affair that ended their marriage & he married the OW. Tragically, she became PG when he had a momentary lapse of sanity & came back to her for 2 weeks right after the affair started. She wanted to have kids all along, but her exH didn't, so they never got PG. The tragedy continued when she lost the baby at 3 months. This was as her divorce finalized.

When we met, it was just a few months after her divorce. So we were fairly careful to keep things mostly low key. We talked alot. I got her into a divorce recovery group at a local Methodist church. Helped her alot. Future talk about kids & stuff wasn't really appropriate. She merely volunteered that she guessed she wasn't meant to have kids.

Her folks are wonderful people. They told me & her that they felt like she needed to think carefully about having kids now as she nears 40. Also her career is a high level executive one in her company & she would have to do the day care routine which none of them like - including her, but what else could she do & keep her excellent job?

So, in other words, it hasn't really come up until the past month or so. We've decided we need to begin to move on with either a more formal courtship arrangement, or back away more.

Suddenly, she had a friend show up & stay overnight with a 6 week old baby that was being put up for adoption. That got all her "Mommy" thoughts flowing again. Now that's all she can talk about & think about.

I immediately moved to make sure we both understood that we're "only friends" and no exclusive commitments with this sort of thing going on.

By the way, while typing this, she called. Turns out that even though I had promised her to come up & see her this weekend, she had made a commitment to her ExH's parents to do something with them Sat morning!!! Yes, this is another thing that bothers me. She has an on-going close relationship with her former inlaws. She's kept her former married name because she likes them so much, etc. Talks to them multiple times a week on the phone. Goes out to dinner with them alot, etc.

While I want to be mature about all of this, it seems pretty weird & unhealthy. While it's tragic that divorce also separates inlaws & even friends - unfortunately this is some of the byproduct of this fateful choice. To expect future spouses to put up with having on-going relationships with former Ex's parents & family seems too much to ask to me. In her case, the parents son did a horrible affair on her. Got her PG. Then dumped her for OW. While I feel sorry for them losing a wonderful daughter-in-law, it is part of the consequences of their own son's actions. I think they need to accept that for what it is.

Am I off-base here?

Well, I strayed off topic a bit, but perhaps this fills in some of the blanks a tad more.

I'm anxious to hear more from you guys!

Thanks!

Women say they want kids from mainly two reasons:
- to look: more feminine and 'family orientated type' if they want to be married, that'd mean they'd accept stepchildren with love (a bonus for a hubby-to-be with children from prev. marriage), warm, goodhearted, etc....but really are fine if they never become mother, and they give up having own child ah for ah "love" (and some of them "give up" till they get married...)
- the real want-to-be-the-mom... they either never give up, or if they did, for love, they'll never get over it and it'll come as a bad feelings boomerang later on...

Insecurity...?

It could be "weird" (better to say - rare?), but not unhealthy... It is nice when people continue to love each other regardless of the 'status on the paper'...
(Of course, if she loves them for what they were&are, and not because some hopes re: her X...)

My reply on this one would be: if you solve other (big and bigger and not mentioned) issues, this won't be a problem at all...

Thanks Belonging for the insights. I agree women who want kids do so for these 2 reasons. What's truly strange in this situation is that she's not terribly warm & friendly with existing kids. At church. In her life. In my home.

My own 2 sons are very warm, kind & considerate especially for teenage boys. She will walk into a room after being gone for weeks not seeing them & not even look at them or greet them. She never hugs them. Etc. Her excuse? She's just not the touchy-feely type (she's English & has some stereotypical reserve). I don't buy it.

The boys have remained steady & kind for this entire year they've known her. They've never insulted her or disobeyed yet. She's commented how phenomenally good they are.

So if there were ever step-kids to love, these would be the ones!! But I don't see it.

So that makes me think she's the TRUE Wants-to-be-a Mom type. And it would boomerang on me. Been there, done that, got the divorce papers to prove it. Not going down that road again.

Thanks for putting it on down so succinctly for me. Man this is hurting. Got some tears as I'm typing this, cause I do have love for her in my heart. And it's not going to matter.....High Flight who feels like low flight right now.

HF~

I can tell you, for me, this statement right here would be huge for me.
Nope, couldn't do it!
I don't believe your boys deserve to be treated as invisible, or be made to feel unimportant.

Karona

I know what you mean Karona. This has been a gnawing concern in the back of my mind. I've been careful NOT to drag multiple girl friends through their lives. They've met only 1 other.

This other friend I had over a year ago was so warm & comfortable with them. And it wasn't pretended either. Within a day or two they were all talking with each other & hugging each other like long-lost pals. What a difference!

Amazingly enough, she also had no kids. In her case, she couldn't. That was OK with her too. She just LOVED others' kids enormously & it showed! It was genuine. Course she was from Brazil which is a much, MUCH warmer culture than England.

Oh well....

I find that very rude and poor manners HF, don't you?.....would she treat you or her family or friends that way? No, I think not.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I know how hard it is to face the fact when you realize the person you really care about is probably not your best match. Way I see it...long distance marriage, kids, careers...these issues are pretty major ones and I think you've made the right choice to back off.

Don't let your fears of being alone, or never finding your match make you settle for less.

She's out there HF

HUGS!!

Sounds like you have a couple good boys there HighFlight!

I don't find extreme fault with you gf in the fact that she is not touchy-feely. It's her attitude of not aknowledging them that bothers me the most.

I'm with you on not bringing the train of "friends" thru.
Not my thing either.

I wish you well in your decision process.
Someone once told me...."Welcome to Higher Dating Education"
So true!
It's so different now. Most of us have children and life experiences to back us up. We need to be true to ourselves and our kids, or those close to us.

Karona

It'd be huge for me too...
I breathe when I touch <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
My son is the same... and I couldn't imagine anyone to be 'close' yet that cold...


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
The English I know (my son's grandparents e.g., also some friends of mine) are polite, they'd say hello & how are you, at least...
And they accepted me being touchy&warm... many times I kissed them... and they had to get used to be kissed by me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />, ended up liking it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I mean, there is always a way to 'melt' it...
Is there always...?

But not even to look at nor greet them...???

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Oh, didn't see new posts...

DW wrote down my thoughts too...

Gotta agree with the others, British or not, the lack of warmth & affection, & in your GF's case basic courtesy, would bother me A LOT.

Aside from the other glaring problems, if you want warmth from a partner, especially with your boys, it doesn't look like this woman can provide that.

The sad facts about her marriage & pregnancy are terrible.

At this point it seems you two are not well suited.

Just a word about age brackets. I'm 48 & on dating sites & IRL I've been looking in the 46 to 58 age bracket. Some have suggested I consider younger but since ex was 5 years younger I'm VERY reluctant, MLC being a factor. Many of the older guys have kids who are older then mine & out on their own. I've come to think that the most likely age for men who will be in roughly the same place I am is probably more narrow then 46 to 58. Perhaps 46 to 52/54. Maybe you should consider women closer to your age, with children.

How sad to spend a year building up good feelings to have these problems to contend with. I'm sorry you're hurting highflight.

I ditto everyone. LOL.
Personally, I love my in-laws and I'm keeping them, more or less. Unfortunately, B isn't comfortable with me keeping in touch with his parents and sisters. So, I limit it to a couple of cards with notes. Just to let them know how much I care.

If you do decide this one isn't for you, I like Nams suggestions. Women who already have children or who are past childbearing age.

Oh, and as for the in-law thing, I think it's just different strokes for different folks. You may find it weird and threatening, but to me, like GG, I kept mine. Big time. I LOVE w/ a capital L, my former in-laws and I refuse to give up my relationship w/ them. ExWH knows it, current BF knows and both are super A-ok w/ it. They are my DD grandparents and top notch folks in my eyes. In fact, MIL was in my life before ex-WH....we're talking 20 years here and just b/c I divorced her son, she's out of my life? Nope. MIL is one of my dearest friends and like a 2nd mother to me. DD and I go up to visit them for the weekends sometimes and when they are in town to visit, they sometimes stay at my house. Weird? I'd like to think not. I've got plenty of room in my heart for them and BF's family.

BTW, he's (BF) completely enthusiatic w/ my relationship w/ them and he also has maintained a good relationship w/ his ex-in laws. It's a win win in my eyes.

I've gotta admit I've got a lump in my throat & tearing up a bit as I read all of this. Yep, I've invested about 14 months into this + a good deal of $$$ & most of all, my heart.

But there are some red flags waving....I cannot ignore them. Man oh man this is sooo hard!!!

I appreciate the kind words & sympathy. Truly I do.

Dang, HF, I wish I could say something positive. But the thing about her walking right past your kids without a "Hello" is just plain screwed up, IMHO. I don't care if she is British or a Martian, that wouldn't fly with me.

Sorry, bud, I feel your pain (as you said, in many ways our situations are similar, but my GF is very good with my kids - if she weren't, we would have been long done).

AGG

I'm sorry High Flight. Wish I knew what to say.

Not to be a stick-in-the-mud, but how early in your relationship did you notice this?

AGG