Hi everyone,
It's been quite a while since I caught up here. Truth be known, I haven't known what to say because... well, just because everything's been so, so, SO good! So good, in fact, that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and everything to come crumbling down around me, but I've been feeling this way for a long time now. Since I processed the revelation of the extent of my STBXH's betrayal and the door to my heart was pushed closed that final inch, things have been GREAT.
I've been working on forgiveness, and pushing forward, and I haven't really been aware of making any progress, but I have stuck it out because I believe forgiving this man is important. Well... I have NO idea what happened, but something incredibly weird and rather wonderful happened last week.
My nephew got married last week. This was a HUGE event for me because we're really close, and in fact, he and his sister were kindof our "practice children" before we had any of our own. STBXH didn't come to the marriage ceremony but I knew that he was coming briefly to the reception venue to wish the happy couple well. So anyway. The ceremony was beautiful. Then we go to the reception venue, and that's when the weird thing happened.
I turned up at the reception venue, and saw STBXH. He was posing for photos with my nephew and his bride and he was smiling and joking, and my heart just surged with love. I thought, "That's the smile and laugh I love!" But... it was this completely sisterly feeling. TOTALLY sisterly. I gave him a bright smile and said hello, and felt no pangs, no nothing. Just... love and acceptance, I guess. And that was weird.
And it was so final because you know, with me, when I get involved with someone seriously, the blinkers come on and I am TOTALLY with that person. I appreciate gorgeousness in men but once I'm involved with someone I'm involved all the way through and they get the whole brain-faithfulness as well. I love men and get along great with them largely because when I'm involved with someone else I see them as my brothers (probably as befits someone who had four of them!). Once I see a man as my brother... there's no going back. There's no sudden leaping to considering them anything but. It would be kind of an incestuous situation, if that makes sense. So as soon as I felt that rush of sisterly love for STBXH, it was yet another rush of closure.
Not so good was also the fact that I felt rather sorry for him (as did most of my family - murderous brother and father not included). The way I see it, respect and pity cannot coexist, so... I guess that I've lost something there.
Anyway, our exchange was nice, and then I re-entered my detached world and just had the most wonderful time.
I do believe I've forgiven him. I do believe I have moved forward without him, and am happy to do so. I do believe I am FREE now to love this man in a different way than before, to wish him well, and expect or want nothing from him in return. And I cannot begin to describe how INCREDIBLE this feels. The view from here is AWESOME.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
