After recovering at a slow and steady pace over the past 8 months, a new trauma has occurred that has sent us backwards. (This has nothing to do with his behaviour, by the way, he has been very supportive and hasn't given me any reason to doubt him in any way.) In June of 2004 our first child was stillborn. We had been trying ever since to have another one, but between grieving the loss and then the tremendous tumult of D-Day, it hasn't been smooth sailing. My cycles more or less stopped in December (right after the first D-Day), but I assumed it was down to all of the emotional upheaval. Long story short, I finally went to my doctor who sent me for blood tests and it turns out that I've hit premature menopause (I'm 36). So, on top of losing my daughter and dealing with my husband's serial indescretions, I now have to come to terms with the fact that I will never have any living children of my own. Needless to say, this realisation has been quite devastating.

The reason I'm writing here is that I'm finding that all of the old feelings I had about the affairs (the hurt, the disbelief, the unworthiness) have come rushing back with a vengance. Whereas a few weeks ago I was really enjoying being with my husband and I looked forward to our future, now I just look at him and see all of the betrayal.

I know that recovery is a long road and that there will be back-steps every now and then, but this really feels like a boomerang. I feel like any trust that had been rebuilt since January has just been erased, even though he has done nothing to warrant my misgivings (he is 100% accountable for his time, for example). I found out the medical news about 3 weeks ago, and although the first week was ******, I really thought I was coping okay now. Only the past couple of days I can't stop thinking about the affairs, something I haven't done since right after D-Day #2. Is this normal? Will things get better over time? I tried talking to my husband about it on Sunday, but he wasn't comfortable talking about it (admittedly, though, I wasn't being very articulate -- I don't think he really understood what the point of the conversation was).

Anyway, I just needed to get this out. I know there are no real answers, it just helps to able to vent to a group of people who can empathasize in some small way.

Bronwyn,
I am so sad that you have had so much in such a short time.

The 8 month mark for me was horrible- as was the 12 month mark. Adding to the top of that menopause, and yes, I can see the problems. I had a hysterectomy 10 months after d-day.

Is there anything that your doctor can give you to help you through this time? Sometimes, when our hormones are out of wack, it puts everything else off kilter.

There is a good site called hystersisters. It has a section for those going throuh menopause naturally as well as for hyeterectomies.

As for it all seeimg so fresh again now, I think it is a cycle. I strongly believe that you will have to face the pain several times before it fades.

Try writing your feelings down and giving them to your husband. I use emails for this sometimes. It helps me be able to put it down where he can understand without rambling.

Hang in there, honey. I'm saying a prayer for you right now.

hi bron,

I'm so sorry this new trauma has reawoken some of your pain....yeah....I think it's pretty normal....sorry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

So are you considering some other alternatives if you don't have any more eggs that can be harvested? See an infertility expert and find out what your options are!! You might be surprised.

Thanks, Moveforward and Starfish. Unfortunately, unless we went the donor egg route, we're out of options fertility-wise. I'm adopted myself so I'd be willing to look into adoption sometime down the road, but it's still a shock to find myself suddenly barren. At least it might shed some light as to why we lost our daughter (it looks like I was pre-menopausal when she was conceived).

My husband has been very supportive through all of this, which is why I was so surprised to find all of the old hurt coming back regarding his A's.

Bronwyn,
are you a Christian? I ask because I know there are some wonderful books on the subject of childlessness.

If you are a Christian then you might want to read them.

I'm not a Christian (strictly speaking), but I have been doing a lot of thinking about being childless. I think that we will find a way of including children in our lives, whether we adopt, foster or become involved with childrens' groups. I am very sad that we can't have our own, but perpaps we are meant to nurture a child whose own parents can't provide a stable environment.