Hello. I've been posting under general questions with my story. Husband of 18 years left nearly 6 weeks ago, been in affair since around Christmas time. Spent a couple of months trying to work it out before he left; read several books but didn't have a strong plan A.

Decided after he left, I would try "detachment with love", per a different author. A soft plan B.

Now that I've spent time online here I am wondering about should I be trying to do a plan A, even when he's moved out and active in his affair with other woman? What my thought is, he says she actively pursued him and he eventually fell for her (his story confirmed by other parties). If I "detach with love" I am really letting him go; hoping he will come out of the addiction and realize what he's up given up. Or do I try to "win" him back by calling him and emailing him and now be the one actively pursueing... all the while, working on my issues and trying to address what his needs are. We had done the qeustionaire a few months ago but I can't find his answer sheets (maybe he took them with him, or threw them out?). I think I can remember his top three.

I have tried to go back and read the two books I bought from this site, but I just end up bawling so much I can't see the words. Nighttime I guess, isn't a good time to try to reread the material.

confused...

This is nonsense the other parties are talking nonsense too. That is their interpretation of what they saw or what he and OW say. It takes a lot of positive steps and decisions to go from knowing someone innocently and getting to have an affair.

He did this and is not a poor victim of her. - it didn't creep up on him, she didn't coerce him. He made decision after decision to make this happen.

Now they are in the fog, with the friends whom think he was pursued into this.

If you want to do a plan A, I can give you a list. it is kinda hard to do if you do not see him.

What may help is to 180 him. It has turned things around for many - and it will give you a structure to care for yourself and rebuild you.

If it gets his attention, then you will have an opportunity to Plan A him and if that doesn't work and your love begins to erode, you can then move to Plan B.


The 180 helps you do a 180 turn around to the way you were when your spouse met you and wanted you - also it gives you a raised self esteem which makes you more in control of how you react, instead of being stuck in a pattern of negative respomses and feelings. First you start with these rules, then you may add some of your own, to change other responses you have if there are other behaviours your spouse plays on that put you down - whether they do it consciously or unconsciously. So go ahead and do as many as you can for as long as you can - if you don't need them at some point, you can take a break but if things get bad again - get back on the 180 horse and ride like the wind - LOL

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

You can go to the site and join the forum for more help and support. This is the beginning list.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow spouse around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse spouse_s whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if your spouse notices and, more important, realize what they will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show spouse someone they would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear from them and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

This has workded well even when the H has moved out.

Linda