Just to make you smile:

Make sure you read the Moral at the bottom...

LIZARD BIRTHING

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what
happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad! Can you
help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look
at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you
want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think
she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah,
Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on
some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle
of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What
are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife
wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't
appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered,
horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a
gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females
in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with
my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be
so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass. "! What do you think, Doc, a
C-section?"
I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr.
and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be
okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not
in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You
see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
like most male species, they um....um....pleasure themselves. Just the way
he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you
know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my
wife offered."Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to
my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. Laughing
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its..teeny little..."
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I
warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our
son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me
"Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with
laughter.

a.. 2 - Lizards - $140...
b.. 1 - Cage - $50...
c.. Trip to the Vet - $30..
d.. Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...
Priceless!

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

It is my opinion that Captain Kangaroo was much more rugged than Mister Rogers.

Mr. Rogers was far to much of a sissy with those gay sweaters paired with Old Man Keds.

But the red jacket with white piping that Captain Kangaroo donned...

Wwwwwwwhiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssstttttttllllleeeeee!

Now there's a man who knows his fashion!

were his sideburns real, though?

hahahahahahah....thanks!!!

Captain Kangaroo is kicking Mister Roger's butt!

When I watched Capt K, his jacket was grey.

Mr. Greenjeans' jeans were grey.

Mr. Moose was grey.

Bunny Rabbit was grey.

The Banana Man's bananas were grey.

What's this red chit, froz? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

FWAT

LOL

she is YOUNG!!!

Oh MF, if your lizard story don't make my day!?!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am laughing sooo hard tears are starting to come out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

2 2 funny!!!

Thanks for sharing!

L.

WAT,

You must have been horribly confused as to why they called him Mr. Greenjeans!

I remember coming home from school to watch Mickey Mouse Club on TV. All my friends were watching American Bandstand, but I was a bit slow.....
still am.
And you guys don't know sexy. Mr. Rogers is sexy. Was. And sweet.

PEP

you are just so bad ..lol

I was needing this break at work from writing stupid replies for the Minsiter to blah blah about in parliament , bored stupid ,,, so I just jumped on MB for a sec to see whats agoing and there was your post...
I jumped in and before I knew it I was 6 yrs old again watching the N'th repeat I suppose of the Mickey Mouse club singing that darn song out loud!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

the whole floor started laughing at me !! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

busily looking for a paper bag to put over head!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Moderators, please lock this thread immediately.

It discriminates against Europeans.

On the other hand, the lizard story is just fabulous...

Anyone for CBeebies?

I'm probably going to regret asking this but .. what are CBeebies?


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wimpy Mr. Rogers vs. Captin K? No contest. Captin K looks like he knows how to [color:"red"] P [/color] [color:"green"] A[/color] [color:"blue"]R [/color] [color:"purple"] T [/color] [color:"red"]Y [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

BITE ME

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know them CBeebies..
But gimme Doctor Who instead anyday ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />