I am doing ok. Actually better since my anger has set in.

Seems I received in my email "in" box a short two sentence email from my recent xbf. Now he is officially the xbf.

He said that he and I shouldn't talk since he is making a "concerted" effort with his xgf.

IT WAS BCC'D TO THE XGF..

I had no clue! I had no idea! Last I heard...I WAS THE ONE HE WAS DATING...

He is an utmost jerk.

So I sent back an email saying it had been originally me who requested no talking to him in the first place when I found out his "omission" of truth last week regarding the Train Wreck.

He's horrid. he is a profound liar.

And she? WEll she is certainly working hard isn't she.

Oh well. I am just shocked and angered at such behaviors. Especially after all the horrid things he told her about me. Horrible things! And the "oh there is no way I'd ever welcome somebody that toxic back into my life ever"...and I remember even asking him "what would you do if she showed up one night in the rain on your doorstep saying she left her live in boyfriend and had nowhere to go?" He said "give her money and send her to a hotel."

The woman was living with her fiancee as of 2 weeks ago.

I am sickened and livid at the whole scenario.

But good thing.

I am healing and taking some well needed time for me now. Am going outta town w/friends in 2 weeks and am going to just recover somehow from this horror. It is sickening to be knowingly lied to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />j

Some people are just darth's in disguise I guess.

Oh..my truthful response to him about his OMISSION OF TRUTH...and how I was one who didn't want to talk to him originally when I found out I was the one LIED to was also sent back...and bcc'd.

I'm sorry, but I do have to laugh my butt off. I can't BELIEVE you got a NC letter!!!! The nerve!!!

So what did I do?

I SENT A NC back to him...and REMINDED HIM OF MY REQUEST ORIGINALLY OF NC!

Here is what I sent:

J.

Since the sudden revelations of this was not made apparent to me until recently, I agree with you wholeheartedly in our cease in communications. In fact it was me originally who didn't want to talk to you after finding out this last week...However, I thought my request of that had been a bit out of character for me as you know I am not cruel nor mean natured whatsoever, thus our few friendly talks after that. I do value you as a friend, and wish you luck and hope this time things are more...well...positive than before.

And also you are fully aware that I had not known WHATSOEVER until this last week of any continuance in that relationship at all......You chose to totally omit this information.

Please also this time honor my request, which is reciprocal, as I also wish no communication from you either, as long as this situation is what it is.

That being said, please keep in mind and do remember, I am a lady, I always have been and I will always be. Also I am to be treated with nothing less than 100 percent decency and utmost respect.
__________

that is what I sent...and I bcc'd it. I can't believe the nerve of him..
this woman...WAS LIVING WITH ANOTHER MAN 2 WEEKS AGO UNDER SAME ROOF AS HER 3 YEAR OLD CHILD...sick girl.

I only spoke to him after he called me back btw...and then I had a question for him...and he was supposed to call me back...that was when I found out about the "mall adventure" yesterday...

bleech.

My cell is turned on and I am going to go get nails done and pedi done. Good thing 2 do when you're sad.

Any mb friends feel free to call me.

Ah Peach...Now that letter showed dignity and restraint...I'm not sure that I could have done the same, ESPECIALLY, knowing that "Train Wreck" was gonna be gettin' it too...Good Girl...That was GRACE...Plain and Simple...

Mrs. W<~~~Curtsying to You <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

P.S. You know, Mr. W and I were talking about you and your sitch last night...Here's what we came up with...On the EXBF, at some point in your life you looked at Darth as better than him...Think about WHY, ya know??? Prayers for you fellow Southern Belle...You lucky GA Girl...From one who misses GA so much that her personalized license plate even says so...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

peach....forgive me if this is a really stupid question....but I'm really confused. You're not in Plan B? Sorry....all this talk about your exH....led me to think you were. I know Darth is married to OW, divorce is final etc....but I hadn't realized you were in another relationship. In any case....sorry this guy is just another duplicitous jerk...sigh.

jp:

"Especially after all the horrid things he told her about me. Horrible things!"

Any of them true? ...I didn't think so, so...

why do you care?

-ol' 2long

I think maybe I should just dammit plan B the entire world...lol.

Mrs. W. (dubya), curtesy'in right back and offering you a cool mint julip.....You are so kind. And I was actually on the rebound from my 2 college bf's when I met darth...I was a victim of "right words...right time...wrong guy"...I always thought this guy, J., was a good guy. The timing had been wrong. I had gone away to study my profession at another college 2 hours away..He was in law school. It was a disaster. But we tried and never did anything bad...just silently broke up. And he apparently did have hurt over that too...as he remembers vividly my wedding day to darth.

and me? I remember seeing his wedding announcement in the papers about 2 years after I married darth and felt wierd.

But I just felt at the time I'd moved on and he had too. I never felt he was better or that darth was better.

Star>....I had two horrid issues yesterday...1)a nutso xh who thinks in his WS mind he's still married to me as per his own words and controlling (he wishes) behaviors and 2) a lying xbf who lies with the best of the lying liars.

I need a vacation from WS mentality! I need a vacation period. Bleech!

2long...yea what he said about her is true...but I don't care! YOU ARE RIGHT! and I am finding now that being angry is SOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN FEELING HURT.

I am getting grrrrr angry.

And yes. I am glad I didn't blast her in the email. I think my words...and my lack thereof of a vivid description of either him or her does make things end nicely. I ended it the first time as a lady..and also as the second time a lady as well. The higher road I've come to learn...is the more difficult one...when you wish you could call em' every name in the book...but it doesn't get you anywhere in the end..

In about 3 weeks when this woman freaks out again and her true colors once again surface (she's lived with FOUR MEN ..uh..one not really a woman but a butch [censored]... IN THE LAST THREE YEARS ALL IN FRONT OF HER KID) he is GONNA WISH HE COULD HAVE JUST DONE THE RIGHT THING.

Don't plan B the entire world Peach....The world would be missing out.

Don't give up, I promise you there are men out here that would kill for a smart, beautiful, witty, LOYAL, caring, .....well you get the picture..woman like yourself. You just have to "bump" into him!

I am glad that you found out the true colors of XBF now instead of later. And I know that part of your hurt stems from "How could I have chosen to give my heart to someone like this? Is my radar that bad that I can't make a good choice in these matters?" I know this because I still struggle that I could be M (not much longer) to the person that my WW and STBXW has been able to become. You could never have convinced me in a million years that the woman that I shared a good M with for 6 years could turn into this alien, but she did...This still bothers me and I am sure worries you regarding judgement?

In any case we all care about you and value your MB friendship and great and to the point advice.

{{{{Peach}}}}

That really bites, peachy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Kudos to you for such a gracious email reply. I wish I could be as restrained and dignified and ladylike!!!

The trouble is, underneath the anger, the hurt part is still there. Still crying her eyes out and needing attention and comfort. She'll still be there when the anger finally burns out. And it'll still hurt just as much. Anger is always a secondary emotion to something else -- fear, sadness, hurt, shame, whatever. It's really good for when you have to survive or save your child from danger. It's not so good when all you can do is face the agony of the hurt.

It took me a couple of years to get over most of the anger. I had to face my greatest, most terrifying fears about myself and my reality. I had to readjust and -know- what the truth really is. About me, and about the rest of the world. I don't regret that time; I learned a whole lot about myself by doing it. It was the most exhausting and horrible internal struggle I've ever faced, though.

One little bit of advice I would offer, though. Do as little harm as you can while you're angry. You can't undo the things you do in anger -- and even making amends only glues together the shattered bowl. It doesn't make it the same as it was before.

shimmygirl...thanks!I have learned that if I write something outside of this board mind you...that I am careful w/my words...I vent here pretty much and say what I think..don't censor it. I want this man to remember me as I am...a lady...in stark contrast to his train wreck of a gf.

hope and pray..gosh...almost blushed after reading it. And guess I've bumped into the wrong guys...because they've turned into nothing but bumps in my road of life...(corny but I know...an analogy and I am all about the analogy)...I do beat myself up. Sometimes I wonder at all if I am capable of making a good conscious choice. this one had absolutely NO warning signs at all except for the distance thing. none at all. so I am gonna just avoid "bumping" anybody for a while...lol...

Just J...you're good. I do just want to work through this...I realize under this anger I am hurt. and that the hurt stems from something much more deep...the betrayal that happened with darth. My fear is I will have to endure that ever again...and it truly frightens me. So tonight I am gonna call back (she's so cool...hurtinginoklahoma) her when I am in the bubble bath. I am going to attempt to let it out. I want to cry but I just can't right now. Just can't. I just feel disappointed.

In me. and in him. And in my seemingly good judgement at the time a few months back...five months back.

JP,

I'm sorry you're hurting. Really. And I wasn't going to say anything, but... I would say there were red flags everywhere. Wasn't this guy living with some other girl (the one he's returning to)? And wasn't that only a few months ago?

That would be a big big warning sign in my mind.

Please forgive me if I got the details wrong.

-AD

JP,

So sorry this happened. Good thing that it at least happened before things got further with this man, I suppose.

I couldn't help but notice this in your email to him:


Like they say downtown, 'Sup wid dat'? Are you leaving the door open for this madness to continue? Hope not. And I hope you feel better soon.

So, if you first sent him the NC letter, why did you continue contact? Why didn't you hang up everytime he called? Or delete his e-mails - unopened?

And why, when he sent you a NC letter, did you dignify it w/ a response?

Yeah, you still have tons of anger. About both men.

Just work on being happy w/ Peach. A SO is nice - but unnecessary for true happiness. That has to come from within. You don't need a man to be complete. You are complete in and of yourself.

Cinders, that also was my question.

JP, hard as it is, this one's gone. You are a warm, loving, emotional person, (as Together Alone said to me, it can be a double edged sword) you deserve someone as warm and capable of giving love as you.

You know they often say it takes two years after D to grieve and move on. It's funny, it's the same for grief when someone close has passed on and it's the same for recovered marriages.

Peach, find out who YOU are first. Until you're completely done with Darth and by that I mean, when you've fully grieved your marriage, you'll be ready and you'll be perfect for the man who appears out of nowhere.

There are so many good men, the men on this board are all good men, they're out there and he'll be there.

I went through this with my DD (who is 26) last year. It was very, very painful for her and for me, watching her go through it (being involved with a total rat) and not being able to do anything to ease her pain except listen and listen and provide lots of tissues. I don't know if you know but the "best" guy was there for her and he turned up at just the right time. BTW, "best" guy had the opportunity to say to "rat" at the pub one night, "thank you for being such an ******, you make me look wonderful and I have her and you don't." Most people only think of that sort of line after the event.

(((((JustPeachy))))) big hug ...
I'm glad you have some closure here, though.

I'd like to share what my counseling sessions have made me see. People tend to reproduce the patterns they witness when they're little - that's mostly our parents' stuff. My father didn't have any respect for my mum - he didn't treat her badly, he just thought she was stupid, with stupid ideas, and that only his opinion had any value.

I have basically sought out the same sort of men in my life. They're not bad people - but they had no respect for my opinion. Only their opinion mattered. Since I had developed a CA attitude so strongly that I didn't even think about voicing MY opinion.. that worked.. for some time. Until I felt so suffocated that I had to get out.

I'm 45 and I'm only now starting to realise how this pattern works for me, how strong it is, how it makes me zoom in on a man who represents the pattern.

I'm single now and planning on remaining that for some time! I really want to break the cycle.. And I know the only way to learn how to do that is to make myself vulnerable and open up... and remain alert.

Hang in there honey, take your time to heal, but don't give up.