Well I was on here last year and I am back. Last fall my wife was away on business and called me to tell me she had had enough of feeling how she did (news to me at the time) She was unhappy and was not "In Love" with me anymore, all the typical stuff, she needed space, she wanted to be
independant and felt like she want meant to be married and that we were not meant to be. We have been together for 10 years, wedated for a few years were engaged for two and married for six. We have no kids.
Her job has caused her to be away alot the last few years and of course that has strained our relationship some, and she is very ambitious and runs various clubs and several websites. Basically she doesnt have alot of time for marriage, and loves what she does.
She left in October and stayed with some newly aquired friends, they are a couple older than us, could almost be our parents. It was a good thing for her, it helped her get grounded, she actually satrted treating them like her mom and dad which was a little wierd. They encouraged her and helped her see that she should really try to get back together and make it work.
One other thing that I didnt realize immediately was that while she was away she was having feelings and an EA with a guy that was also married, and actually stayed in the same house for a few days. All of them know each other and share a common interest. This guy was 15 years her senior and also married. While we were separated she told me he had feelings for her but that she wasnt persuing anything and that nothing had happened. During this time I did some snooping and found he had sent nude pics of himself to her and she had sent provacative ones to him. Doesnt seem to innocent. I confronted her and she said thats all they were, and they kissed and nothing went further. This all happened midway though the separation. Her "dad" that she was staying with also told her to not persue this and that it would be the wrong thing to do, so between that and the fact that the guy was begging her to start a relationship and leave his family she didnt take it further. She had stopped talking to him and in Jan she moved back home. I beleive her that everything was over w/ them. I actually bacame comfortable w/ the couple she stayed w/. and was thankful she had a good influence around her that guided her back to me.
When she came back the first month or so everything was great she actually ssemed happy to be home, she was cooking and spending time w me which she doesnt nrmally have the time or desire to do, and I was trying to do more things that she had asked of me. We were having sex which was also an issue for us. I always thought she didnt want it, never seemed into it, but found that was not the case. Apparently she wanted it as much as I did but neither of us communicated what we wanted or needed. Things were going smooth. Then she seemed to pull away a bit and one day I decided to snoop again, and checked her email, and lo and behold there were all these emails from her "dad" ( the coupple she stayed with) saying how he was in love with her and wanted to have her and sleep w her. I just freaked out!! I was lead to believe that this was a totally innocent relationship and I know it was for a while, but how could this person that was giving her all this guidance to work things out w me and stay married dont cheat be the one now tearing my marriage apart. Plus he is 20 years her senior! I confronted her and she said that she told him no and that obviously nothing would ever happen dsince he is in another state, and that she said things were good w me so stop it. I was beside myself.
Meanwhile she was snooping on me. While we were separated I joined a Church Divorce/separation group for support. There I met alot of new friends male and female. I kept in touch with them and they supported me greatly, most of them were getting divorced and were so happy my wife came back. One woman and I became good friends and talked frequently about her situation mostly but also mine, and it was completely platonic. Both of us just went through separation and having been cheated on and both are christians and dont want to divorce, the last thing we would do is hook up! Anyway, I mentioned her in passing to my wife, but she didnt know how often we talked. I wasnt trying to hide it, i called her on my cell and my wife can openly see that. Anyway, she saw the #'s and said that I was having an affair w her et c etc , so Now im the bad guy even though we have never spoken a romantic word to eachother in our lives. We started working through that i talked to her "dad" and he aplooggized etc. I have been going to counseling since she first left, and she refuses to go or read any books or anything.
Anyway, last week we had a huge blow up, I feel her drifting away, and I find it ihard to trust her, when somethign happens I relate to what happened before and assume she must be up to something again. She seemed unintersted in me and marriage again, not affectionate etc, I had also uncovered that she had gone and orded things fromn adult sites during the time she washaving the talks w/ "dad". I confronted her and she said she ordered books so we would have a better sex life. I had mentioned this numerous times, so why wouldnt she tell me if it was to help us, instaedd of hiding the purchase and the books? So she admitted that, but there was another charge, and she wouldnt own up to that, she said no i just ordered books. I found what it was she had ordered sex toys. I have no problems w books or toys, but why keep them a secret if they are for us to use. She said that she wanted to try them out first, and then talk to me about them , but how many months does that take, i just dont know it just doesnt build trust. I know I did things that make her question my trust but I know I did nothing, and I know she has done some things, maybe just not all of them. I want to work it out and put the past behind. But she seems unwilling to do any real work. Anyway I let all my bottled up anger out and hurt her greatly, she said some very hurtful things to me too. Now she says she can see what i feel and what i think of her and cant get past it, its over and there is no sense trying. She moved into the other bedroom and said its over but wont leave cause its her house too. She wants to be friends and nothing more but doesnt want to lsoe me as a friend.
Anwyay, I cant stand this I dread coming home from work, and its incredibly awkward, I have a really bad attitude towrds her now and I cant shake it and that makes things worse. I feel like we are at teh end of our rope to. Sometimes I feel like she is just trying to make me miserable so I wont want to try anymore. How do we somehow get back to normal conversation let alone friendship and maybe a marriage if that is even possible.
Last edited by hurtguy; 08/08/06 06:21 PM.
