I'm not sure if I'm just feeling down, or at peace with the idea of being single, or just giving up. I can't even point to any one thing that triggered this feeling.

I seem to have no interest in dating and I feel "resigned" to the fact that I will be single for the rest of my life. I'm really not bragging here, so please don't misunderstand this part, but I'm fairly young, kind, giving, intelligent, hardworking, good job, responsible, love children (and think I would make a great mom), very loyal in relationships (and think I would make a good partner, especially with MB knowledge helping me), attractive (I'm too shy to post a pic, maybe later), no bad habits or addictions or problems (other than being divorced and a BS), etc. etc.

So, in some ways, it feels unfair because I was not the WS and I have more to offer a partner and children than those who seem to find relationships easily. All that said, I don't feel angry, just resigned. Content and resigned that I will not meet the love of my life. Sure, it could happen, just like I could win the lottery.

Anyone else feel this way sometimes? or always? Do those of you who don't have families or children regret it?

I definitely feel that way sometimes. Although I do have my two little darlings around. I am currently dating someone, but it is very early and he's a nice enough guy, but if it didn't work out, I don't know that I'd actively seek out someone. ?? I don't feel the need. It is nice to go out every now and again, but meeting the love of my life? I'm with you, it could happen, but I'm not planning on it.

Yes, I like that description. I don't feel the need right now, nor do I have the energy. I have alot going on in my life with kids, work, home renovations, vacations, getting ready for visitors and just don't know where I'd fit dating in.

Last year at this time, I was dating someone. I wonder how I got everything done. My house was neater and I went to the shore every other weekend, but I'd abandoned the big projects which I've been tending recently.

I need time for myself now. We deserve time, so if resigning from dating is how we manage ME time, than that's OK. My friends joke that it's always possible that I'll meet someone at Home Depot, or the garden shop, or even walking the dog.

I am at peace with not dating now. I can't say I always feel that way. I have kids which keeps me busy, and keeps away the lonely feeling too.

Know that you are not alone. I haven't posted much on the ADD boards because I feel I have nothing to add. And when I read about people's issues, I don't have the energy to deal with those issues, so why bother to date.

I'm with ya Nev.

I would describe myself somewhat the same as you, right down to the pic.
Even though I've once again dabbled on a dating site, I have not made any connections and will be letting it expire soon.
I also have resigned myself to the fact that I will be single for a long time if not forever.

It's not in pity for myself. To an extent its choice. I believe there have been a couple I could have entered a relationship with, but I'm not going to settle.
The other factor is my location.

I don't feel overly sad about it, just more of acceptance.

Maybe it's a good place to be?
The one positive is, we're not in something that doesn't make us happy!

Karona

This negativity is just wrong.

I have the worst taste in women w the worst history but i still believe.

You can't "resign" from dating. Get yourself out there. Be selective. Have fun.

When did i become Dr Phil?

Hehe, spoken like a true guy who has yet to do deal with any post-divorce dating <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

The other posters are BTDT crowd, and I agree with them that dating at our ages, with kids, houses, responsibilities, etc, is way different than dating in college.

It often does make me question if it's just easier to go home and be with my kids and go about my normal lifestyle, without dealing with all the crap.

By all means, gekko, give it a shot, but don't be surprised if you come to a similar (negative) conclusion.

AGG

Gekko's in the pool and wants us all to jump in.
Excuses
The water's too cold for me now.

I'm not saying you go date anything and everything. You come out of probably the worst relationship of your life - one that led to divorce and you are supposed to sit at home and wallow in the misery?

1) i am not "out" all the time. in fact i'm failry boring. when i have my daughter she and i are together 24/7. we go to church together. we hang out with married people with children together. when i am not with her i work my butt off.

2) positivity got me through my divorce. sitting around worrying about being alone did me no good. please go see my thread and posts regarding therapy.

3) i was ignored, abandoned really emotionally and physically during the last three years of marriage. i was a walking, talking paycheck. i'm due.

4) just because you go on some bad dates or don't find what you are looking for right away means nothing. meet new people. network like crazy. expand your friend base. make your life more open to the next person. sitting around feeling sorry for yourself will hurt you more than getting into something with someone "before you are ready", whatever that means.

5) the glass is half full with me - all the time.

NO.....no.....no.....you never resign.....you just dont act desparate in dating. Just lead a normal life, and the right one will come along eventually....withou much effort. I met my wife after my divorce after dating a few ladies, going out with my friends, doing my daily activities and basically not really looking to have a girlfriend....let alone wife. If its meant to be, the right one will appear out of nowhere.

geez agg... first off, meeting me is not gekkos first dating exerience, he has been out there testing the waters. none of those dates were with people he would want a forever with and thus he didn't continue to date them. it didn't give him a sour taste for dating, or a negative attitude about it.

so, you tell gekko to go ahead and give it a try if he wants to but he will come out of it with the same negative attitude as everyone else i do not agree with, especially since he is going to "give it a try" with me! i am a pretty darn good catch agg, and i don't think, no matter what happens we are going to experience any negativity. you try, you get out there, you live.

we could have chosen not to continue to talk and get to know eachother because i will tell you.. you want to talk about obstacles in dating... we live in georgia and ny! but i am not going to just be alone because it is easier either. gekko has many fabulous qualities, and i like everything about him so far. i want to know more. i am not afraid to take the chance and be out there.

everyone will have a different opinion i know. and if you are not ready you are not ready. but.. you can't hide yourself away forever either. i know i am ready to do what i would have to do to have a good man in my life. i don't think we are silly or naive to want that and to be in pursuit of that either.

but that is just my 2 cents...
gee gekko, maybe we should just cancel our weekend since it seems the odds are against us it will work out, at least from some persepectives. maybe it would be easier just to stay home....
mlhb

Gekko, you seem to be misunderstanding the points above.

No one is recommending sitting home and wallowing in misery. What some of us have found is that sitting home, hanging out with friends, spending time with kids, and leading their own single lives is in many ways more rewarding and satisfying than getting involved in relationships that create pressure, changes in lifestyle, etc.

Some of us have found that we are more content being alone than being in a relationship. And for sure, you have to go through the whole grieving and adjusting process before you are ready for a healthy relationship.

AGG

I am aware of your planned meeting with gekko, but I wish you hadn't taken my comments so personally. It has nothing to do with you specifically.

I didn't say he will come out with the same negative impression, I said that it would not be surprising if he did. Not the same thing.

Most of the posters on this thread have been out there, have dated, have met many wonderful people with wonderful qualities. So you and gekko are by no means trailblazers <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. What we have also found is that it is very hard to date with kids, distance, different lifestyles, and, well, people's crap.

I was not telling you to cancel your weekend with gekko. But I hope you realize that chatting with someone on the phone for a few months does not a relationship make. The test will be how you two handle the distance - that is when push comes to shove. Call me negative (won't be the first time), but IMO it is reality - one that I see repeated over and over and over on this board - oh yeah, yours truly included <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Im not talking about the dating faze, but the thought of not having sex with a female again, would have definately keep me dating. I dont know if I could have just sat back and sad "ya know I think I can do without the opposite sex.....it really doesnt matter and Im content" Uhh..Uhhh, I like women and sex way too much. Im just being honest.

I think what we really have here is a BOTH AND...not an either or.

I.E.?? BOTH positions are true.

1. It is DARN hard to date & find a great person. The pickings are clearly slim. The effort is certainly great. The obstacles loom LARGE!!! Distance...blended families...personality incompatibilities...age differences...former inlaws...Ex's...kids, etc., etc. We all know the score here.

2. It is also DARNED important that we all maintain an absolutely positive attitude. (Believe me, I'm preaching to myself right now & trying to keep my head above depression waters right now). Fact of the matter is, even if we don't ever find the person of our dreams, never remarry, never have sex again, whatever: We will all be far, far better off if we've maintained a positive, expecting great things attitude throughout.

The real problem with slumping into a resigned to defeat & forever loveless life as a single is that we pretty much predestine that to occur once we resign ourselves.

It's like a drowning person giving up. It's like a pilot folding his hands in despair as the plane heads into a crash vs DOING something positive to effect the outcome to the best of our abilities.

Now having said all of this, Never...let me assure you that I too share your feelings. But feelings aren't reality until we begin to act upon them with choices we make. They are just feelings. Valid. Normal. Understandable. But do we want the consequences of harboring them into an action plan???

Also, I have to say this. It is actually VERY important to reach the position of acceptance that singleness IS an alternative & I'm OK with being with just me if that's how this all turns out. That is maturity. That is healthy. That is OK. In fact, I believe that is a prerequisite to being really ready for a terrific relationship. We have to be OK with being me alone first.

Others and relationships cannot fix US. Only we can work on US.

Hey Neverthesame!! I'll be your guinea pig. Send me a picture of you. I'll send ya one back!!! Break out of the shy shell. OK?

kwiseman@integrity.com

That's my email address.

This is the sort of claim which never fails to irk me. The advice not to act desperate is good - and even better is the recommendation to live a normal life, with its implied advice not to be desperate. However, the idea that there is some sort of general matchmaking principle in force just because some people are fortunate enough to stumble across "the right one" without even trying is absurd. The truth? There are lots of good people who live out their entire lives watching that kind of thing happen to other people.

Me, I'm one who has "resigned" from dating. No, I'm not enthusiastic about remaining celibate for the rest of my life, but since my value system doesn't permit sex outside of marriage, and since I'm convinced that I will never marry again, that's a fate I must accept. There is simply no point in dating.

I've got plenty of admirable qualities. On paper I fit the criteria which a lot of women would lay out for prospective husbands, and in fact I believe I would make a great husband and father. However, there's no way to get past the "fact" that I would make a lousy boyfriend.

The problem is that people say they are looking for one thing, but in reality they are looking for something else. People talk about honesty and love, but when that's what they get, honesty makes them uncomfortable and they don't trust love. They say they don't want game-playing, but in actuality game-playing is all they know, and if you don't give it to them they'll keep looking for it until they find it, whether it's there or not.

I am not at present willing to give up my values, just so I can have the chance of "winning" a bride.

That could change, I suppose. I am in the midst of faith and identity crises, and questioning whether I should be clinging to my outmoded values. (Truth, for example: what value is there in being honest, if you are not believed? Practically speaking, perception trumps truth every time.)

And of course, this internal crisis state is an excellent reason to stay away from relationships at this time all by itself.

wo highflight! putting it right out there now aren't ya? lol giving the old email addy and asking for pix... hmmm... waiting for you to get some slams for that one. haha

stop copying me and gekko highflight.. i know we are cool and all but still... this was our original off the wall idea, you go find your own way to find a date!

lol, (just jokin with ya i hope you know!)
mlhb

hey, you are a pilot...can't you fly gekko here to ny for a good price.. i know your corporate, but hey, borrow a plane! wouldn't you do that for 2 mb friends????? hehe

AGG....
i don't take anything you say personally.. i just think you are a stick in the mud sometimes! and i mean that with all due respect.

i would love to see you let loose sometime, get wild.. let's all take agg out and get him crazy drunk. i bet we would all have a great time and laugh our a**es off! where the heck are you anyway??

mlhb

Well, I didn't think my original post was negative. I thought it was more neutral yet not hopeful. The dialogue has been good and given me something to think about. I agree that I need to be happy even if I don't find someone, and I also agree that resigning myself to being single is probably a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Seems like a narrow line between the two. If I'm making an effort and yet not finding anyone, then it can feel a bit disappointing. Plus, it takes away from time with family & friends, or running with my dog, or painting or whatever. So, if I decide to date again, I need to find a balance and not let efforts towards dating lead to disappointment no matter what the outcome. At least I would be keeping my sister and friends entertained with funny dating stories.

mlhb - you are funny - I didn't take it that way, just thought Highflight was being nice and encouraging me not to resign. So, HF has mail and will probably regret it. lol! By the way, I didn't know you & gekko were corresponding. Hope that goes well.

glad i made you laff nev! and i am sure that is what hf meant, i just like to bust on him. it is fun!

yes, gekko and i have been talking for 5 months now.. we are meeting in a week and a half...
little nervous, little scared, VERY excited!

thanks for the thoughts!
mlhb

Wow - you two are going to meet soon. That must be very exciting. Keep us posted...