|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 649
Member
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 649 |
I am in the midst of faith and identity crises, and questioning whether I should be clinging to my outmoded values. (Truth, for example: what value is there in being honest, if you are not believed? Practically speaking, perception trumps truth every time.) GDP ~ I sympathize with your struggle with the forces that move one to a faith crisis. Just a couple of questions to help: Who are you being honest for? What is more soul-cancerous than being dishonest? What do we care if we're believed or not by folks who aren't being true themselves? Take care my friend. I have high regard for you GDP!! Have ever since I've been blessed by many of your writings here on MB. Special Regards, High Flight
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345 |
i don't take anything you say personally.. i just think you are a stick in the mud sometimes! Aww, shucks, thanks!! I'm flattered <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. What would the world be without a few realists, er, stick-in-the-muds??? i would love to see you let loose sometime, get wild.. let's all take agg out and get him crazy drunk. i bet we would all have a great time and laugh our a**es off! where the heck are you anyway?? Sure, anytime!! Next time you end up on the wrong coast, we'll have a party! Seriously, I think some posters perceived the resignation of some of the other posters to not date in the near future as "negativism". And I am arguing that there is nothing negative about making the choice to focus on whatever things people want to focus their lives on - kids, work, house projects, travel, whatever. Life is NOT necessarily empty without a partner. This is something that HF said very eloquently, and something I firmly believe - if you cannot be happy alone, you won't be happy in a healthy relationship. So there is nothing wrong or negative about taking time to yourself, to heal, or whatever. I happen to think that when it comes to post-divorce dating, the concept of "if you fall off a horse, climb right back on" is totally wrong. It takes time to heal, adjust, find balance again, etc. And my experience (as is probably that of 90% of others here) is that the first few relationships after divorce are ususally disasters or rebounds. So, I kinda wince when I see people say that they can't live without sex so they have to get back into dating. But hey, to each their own - but please, don't tell those of us who are OK without dating that we are negative. BTW, I am currently in a relationship, so it's not like I am on the "I can't get a date so I am bitter" sourgrapes bandwagon <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. AGG
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714 |
deleted
Last edited by Greengables; 08/10/06 08:12 AM.
Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345 |
I’m not going to stop dating. I like dating. Dating is easy. Relationships are hard. Darn, I forgot, I was going to make the same distinction <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. "Dating" for the sake of hanging out, meeting people, and, for those who can't live without it, having sex <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, is different from relationships. In most of my comments, I was referring to relationships, as I think most of the early posters were also. Dating is certainly much easier than relationships. In fact, I have often said that if my current GF does not work out, I may very well decide to limit myself to "dating" until my kids are out of the house. AGG
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714 |
deleted
Last edited by Greengables; 08/10/06 08:12 AM.
Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 649
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 649 |
Well, I didn't think my original post was negative. I thought it was more neutral yet not hopeful. The dialogue has been good and given me something to think about. I agree that I need to be happy even if I don't find someone, and I also agree that resigning myself to being single is probably a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Seems like a narrow line between the two. If I'm making an effort and yet not finding anyone, then it can feel a bit disappointing. Plus, it takes away from time with family & friends, or running with my dog, or painting or whatever. So, if I decide to date again, I need to find a balance and not let efforts towards dating lead to disappointment no matter what the outcome. At least I would be keeping my sister and friends entertained with funny dating stories.
mlhb - you are funny - I didn't take it that way, just thought Highflight was being nice and encouraging me not to resign. So, HF has mail and will probably regret it. lol! By the way, I didn't know you & gekko were corresponding. Hope that goes well. Neverthesame ~ I think you have a good head on your shoulders! I hear balance here. I didn't perceive your initial post as only doom & gloom. And after all, if we MBers cannot vent here our feelings & frustrations, then pray tell, where can we??? That's what I heard from ya. You are perceptive & yes indeed I was wanting to be nice & empathetic to what I heard from your heart. I figured you were struggling quite a bit & if there was something I could do to help you ... well, that's what I wanted to do. Simple as that. And...I do NOT want to in any way embarrass you publically, so let me just carefully say this: For those of you NOT as fortunate as I to have received an email from Neverthesame with one awesome picture attached...her ExH is an absolute clueless maniot (that's a new word just coined especially for him --> Man + Idiot) LOL. And, I happen to have a fairly refined taste when it comes to beautiful women. She easily qualifies!! But as I said to her, what's even better is her beauty isn't just on the outside...from what I've read here she's beautiful also on the INside! Thank you Neverthesame for trusting me with your picture. You are courageous! You are awesome! How could I regret getting a picture of you?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 649
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 649 |
wo highflight! putting it right out there now aren't ya? lol giving the old email addy and asking for pix... hmmm... waiting for you to get some slams for that one. haha
stop copying me and gekko highflight.. i know we are cool and all but still... this was our original off the wall idea, you go find your own way to find a date!
lol, (just jokin with ya i hope you know!)
mlhb
hey, you are a pilot...can't you fly gekko here to ny for a good price.. i know your corporate, but hey, borrow a plane! wouldn't you do that for 2 mb friends????? hehe Hey mlhb!! If it worked for you & the Gekko, then maybe it's worth copying ya know!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You guys didn't "copywrite" it yet did ya? OK. How bout this...not sure where Neverthesame lives, but if it's anywhere inline with a GA-NY flight, we could do a "double-date" flight!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Just teasing back at ya...I certainly hope the best for you and the Gekko-man. And if anyone has the tools to pursue romance with wisdom, then it should be MB veterans, eh?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 270
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 270 |
HighFlight is being very kind in his description of me (especially since it's a pic of me wearing jeans & slouching), but I do appreciate it. Thank you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm ordinary on the outside and working towards extraordinary on the inside.
By the way, "maniot" is being added to my vocabulary - good one.
Nev
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 415
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 415 |
Now I wanna see Nev's picture *pout* (said the woman who won't post her own) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
DW--BW....separated/divorced since 2003
Re-married 7/09!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 664
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 664 |
It's not that I'm really wanting to "resign" from dating...it's just that I stink at it. For some reason, any guy I date is always "the one"....I did the same thing before I married. I don't know how to date someone as just a friend, and no matter what, I always fall for them. Then, if they lose interest in me, I'm depressed for a few weeks. But, many times, if they show interest in me, I run the other way!!!! I just can't seem to get it right. I am writing to a guy who lives 4 hours away from me. We met at a singles conference in April and have been talking on the phone and emailing. It is a nice, safe thing for me, no pressure at all. Meshing together dating and teenagers is a tough thing to do, and many times men don't want to deal with someone with that many kids!!!!
The other problem is....where to meet NICE Christian guys???
Kk
Me, 49
Divorced 3-13-03
son 21, daughter 18, daughter 16
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new
thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland” (Isa. 43:18, 19).
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 649
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 649 |
It's not that I'm really wanting to "resign" from dating...it's just that I stink at it. For some reason, any guy I date is always "the one"....I did the same thing before I married. I don't know how to date someone as just a friend, and no matter what, I always fall for them. Then, if they lose interest in me, I'm depressed for a few weeks. But, many times, if they show interest in me, I run the other way!!!! I just can't seem to get it right. I am writing to a guy who lives 4 hours away from me. We met at a singles conference in April and have been talking on the phone and emailing. It is a nice, safe thing for me, no pressure at all. Meshing together dating and teenagers is a tough thing to do, and many times men don't want to deal with someone with that many kids!!!!
The other problem is....where to meet NICE Christian guys???
Kk KK ~ Good Morning! May I recommend 2 wonderful books by Joshua Harris: "I Kissed Dating Goodby" and "Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship". They would be terrific for your teenagers to read, but also for us older daters as well. I believe you will find answers to some of your questions right in these 2 awesome books! Take Care & God Bless You, High FLight
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 649
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 649 |
HighFlight is being very kind in his description of me (especially since it's a pic of me wearing jeans & slouching), but I do appreciate it. Thank you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm ordinary on the outside and working towards extraordinary on the inside.
By the way, "maniot" is being added to my vocabulary - good one. JEANS and SLOUCHING!!!!???? Girl, you must've hit the wrong button...the one I got was you in a bikini on the beach somewhere!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Just playing of course!!! Made ya smile though didn't I??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ~ High Flight
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,398
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,398 |
NO.....no.....no.....you never resign.....you just dont act desparate in dating. Just lead a normal life, and the right one will come along eventually....withou much effort. I met my wife after my divorce after dating a few ladies, going out with my friends, doing my daily activities and basically not really looking to have a girlfriend....let alone wife. If its meant to be, the right one will appear out of nowhere. This is the sort of claim which never fails to irk me. The advice not to act desperate is good - and even better is the recommendation to live a normal life, with its implied advice not to be desperate. However, the idea that there is some sort of general matchmaking principle in force just because some people are fortunate enough to stumble across "the right one" without even trying is absurd. The truth? There are lots of good people who live out their entire lives watching that kind of thing happen to other people. Me, I'm one who has "resigned" from dating. No, I'm not enthusiastic about remaining celibate for the rest of my life, but since my value system doesn't permit sex outside of marriage, and since I'm convinced that I will never marry again, that's a fate I must accept. There is simply no point in dating. I've got plenty of admirable qualities. On paper I fit the criteria which a lot of women would lay out for prospective husbands, and in fact I believe I would make a great husband and father. However, there's no way to get past the "fact" that I would make a lousy boyfriend. The problem is that people say they are looking for one thing, but in reality they are looking for something else. People talk about honesty and love, but when that's what they get, honesty makes them uncomfortable and they don't trust love. They say they don't want game-playing, but in actuality game-playing is all they know, and if you don't give it to them they'll keep looking for it until they find it, whether it's there or not. I am not at present willing to give up my values, just so I can have the chance of "winning" a bride. That could change, I suppose. I am in the midst of faith and identity crises, and questioning whether I should be clinging to my outmoded values. (Truth, for example: what value is there in being honest, if you are not believed? Practically speaking, perception trumps truth every time.) And of course, this internal crisis state is an excellent reason to stay away from relationships at this time all by itself. No offense, but it sounds like you havent been able to get over your failed first marriage to me. Anyhow, I have a friend that I work with that had never been married before.........He had not been on a date since he was in college (early 20's). He had your same attitude about dating.....he became a bitter, lonely, mean......mid 30's guy I had to work with. I begged and pleaded for 5yrs for him to give dating another try, it would brighten his heart up a bit, make him a more pleasant person. Love can do this for you. Well......fast forward to this day. This guy now (2yrs later).....he is now 37yrs old.....met someone from e-harmony and they are now engaged to get married. They met about 1yr ago and have been inseperable. This guy is 100% different in his personality and happiness. Its like he is a new person. So dont knock dating just because you are too bitter about a failed marriage to move on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Just because it didnt work with one person, does not mean it cant work with another. Sometimes a person makes a bad choice in who they marry, sometimes we get it right the first time. There are plenty of great people out there that are looking for someone else that is great also. If one choses to be single that is fine, but dont knock dating.......some of us desire companionship. I personaly think its therapeutic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by StartinOver; 08/10/06 08:47 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 4,199
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 4,199 |
For some reason, any guy I date is always "the one"....I did the same thing before I married. I don't know how to date someone as just a friend, and no matter what, I always fall for them.
Kk Sometimes we do need a break from dating. We are all aware of other posters who fall quickly and crash and share their drama here on the boards. I believe there is a happy medium. Perhaps you fall because you are looking to fill a need, which you could fill yourself. I am resigned at this time because I am living, not out of negativity. My priorities are not in finding a mate, but in living life and enjoying my family, fixing up my home and working on my career. And I continue to grow in my emotional health. Just breathe. That's all we can do. It is nice to know that we can bounce these ideas off each other, even when we aren't dating.
It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,887
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,887 |
GDP ~ I sympathize with your struggle with the forces that move one to a faith crisis. Just a couple of questions to help: Who are you being honest for? What is more soul-cancerous than being dishonest? What do we care if we're believed or not by folks who aren't being true themselves?
Take care my friend. I have high regard for you GDP!! Have ever since I've been blessed by many of your writings here on MB. Thanks, High Flight. I don't want to hijack this thread, so I'm not going to launch into anything deep here, but the "why" of it is exactly the problem. My whole life I have attempted to understand and apply Biblical principles in the belief that these were revealed to us by God as the best way to live. I have tried to sow love and honesty, but I have reaped pain and alienation. If it were just my life which was affected then I would have more patience, but I'm tired of causing pain in others, all without even any indication that this pain is in the service of growth. So I have to question whether the Bible really "works." And if I cannot trust the Bible, then what do I really know of God? Does God really care whether I am honest? If not - if my values are merely my own, and I am honest just because I value honesty - then is my honesty really anything more than a destructive form of pride? If there is anything more "soul-cancerous" than dishonesty, it may be the betrayal of one's own values. And since I still value honesty regardless of whether it is foolishness, I am not proposing that I cultivate dishonesty. Even if I wanted to go that route I'm not sure I could, since I'm a lousy liar. A simpler solution would seem to be the avoidance of personal relationships. If I stay out of people's lives, I cannot hurt them.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,887
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,887 |
No offense, but it sounds like you havent been able to get over your failed first marriage to me. ...So dont knock dating just because you are too bitter about a failed marriage to move on. No offense taken...and no defense given, since I feel disinclined to provide all the details of how I came to where I am now, and because it doesn't matter what you think regarding me anyhow. My original point - that isolated individual experiences fail to demonstrate a universal principle - is unaffected by an ad hominem analysis of the person who raised it. (I do not call it an attack, because I believe the analysis was non-deprecatory.) And to be clear, I did not intend to "knock" dating in general. Clearly there are many people who seem to have the social and relational instincts to function within those parameters (even though the general "success" rate is actually rather low). I, apparently, do not. That's not bitterness speaking; it is simple observation. (I operate according to principle rather than convention, and I find it extremely difficult to comprehend the demands of convention.) As that great sage Dirty Harry once said: "A man's got to know his limitations."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 664
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 664 |
High Flight,
Thank you for your book recommendations! I will see if my library has them. I am a Christian, and I know God's way is always best. I'm anxious to see what the books are about.
Newly,
thanks. I probably will take a break from dating, as I am an elem. teacher, and I am taking graduate classes this fall and spring. It is great to read everyone's stories on here, I agree, and it gives me a lot to think about. I guess I do fall because I am looking for a need to be filled. I feel like I should be further along in my journey of healing and renewal, as it has been over 3 years now, but I still struggle with being a single parent, and still get little support (financially and mentally) from my ex. I like your priorities: living life to the fullest! Sounds great!
KK
It's awesome to have such great support on this board!!!
Me, 49
Divorced 3-13-03
son 21, daughter 18, daughter 16
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new
thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland” (Isa. 43:18, 19).
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 649
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 649 |
Take care my friend. I have high regard for you GDP!! Have ever since I've been blessed by many of your writings here on MB. Thanks, High Flight. I don't want to hijack this thread, so I'm not going to launch into anything deep here, but the "why" of it is exactly the problem. My whole life I have attempted to understand and apply Biblical principles in the belief that these were revealed to us by God as the best way to live. I have tried to sow love and honesty, but I have reaped pain and alienation. [/quote] Gnome...Do you recall Another who also sowed love & honesty...but reaped pain & alienation? Me thinks you're in Good Company!!! Another Q: Do you recall a 1st cousin who in the despair of prison & Earth-life termination demonstrated the human weakness of all of us when he sent a message to his Cousin & said, "are you really HIM? Or do we look for another???" Again, Me thinks you're in Good Company!!! For so many...the path of life is through the way of suffering. And the Truth always remains...we are in Good Company!!! Your fellow sufferer, High Flight
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 490
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 490 |
I think its admirable that you ladies aren't dating for sport. Good for you. There are a lot of sport daters out there which really instantly turns me off! So how do all these people who are good catches but not really "looking" for anything hook-up? I've been told I'm a good catch and I'm not really looking very hard so how is it people who aren't looking end up finding each other these days? I know when I was younger the catylst involved a lot of alcohol and dark dingy places but that just doesn't seem to work for me and my three kids anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Cheers, Miker
I was the BS - 36
She was the WS - 36, PA with MM
DS8, DD13, DD15 - All living with Dad
DDay 05/04, Divorced 08/05
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 229
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 229 |
The other problem is....where to meet NICE Christian guys???
ummm, church?
I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn't be (my) style.
Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory... lasts forever.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
700
guests, and
55
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
