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what is the issue?

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There is nobody quite like Melody Lane <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> However, there are some equally great vets here....look for folks like Pep, Orchid, Wat, JL, K, mimi, LA....too many to mention.

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sunny, I am just one of many posters here who can help you. What is the issue?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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okay, I read your story... i am so sorry for what you are going through.
First of all, read up on Plan A and Plan B.

You need to expose this A immediately. That means to the om's wife as well as to anyone that will influence your wife. This needs to be done without warning and very quickly.

You need to set up ground rules for how you will be treated. Remember that you deserve to be respected and cared for... and she will not do that if you let her walk all over you. Make no threats you are not prepared to follow through on. Make reasonable and fair the things that you ask for. She is acting in a very self destructive way so you need to be in the best position to protect your children.

So, here's an idea... I know you are in debt... and I know that can be tough.. but find enough to call the Harley's for a blueprint as to how to proceed.
Expose NOW and to every and anyone.
Set your boundries and protect your children.

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yes i welcome every ones advice,its just that melodys advice caugt my attention.i have a post called need advice!! that i was hopeing some vets could read and offer advice.thank you and i appreciate everyones advice.

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And remember this is not your fault. She is abusing you and your marriage.
Your job is to help her be a good wife and mother again. t times that job will seem so hard and she will curse you for exposing this... it doesn't matter. It needs to happen.

I will check in again later today.

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sunny, I did see your post and I agree with what the others told you about exposing the affair. mkevrydaycnt was right on the money when he suggested you read up on Plan A and take steps to protect your children.

Here is a simple guideline to Plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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sunny,

I went back and read your posts too. So let me ask you some questions before launching into anything else.

Have you completed reading about Plan A and B?

It sounds like your wife is an overspender and she doesn't think you make enough....are there other problems that are contributing to the her unhappiness?

Have you spoken to OM's wife yet? If you're right and he's helping to financially support your wife....she needs the information you have from an emotional and financial standpoint.

Who else knows about the affair? Her parents? siblings?

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sunny, the most important exposure here is to the OMW. She needs to be told ASAP. That is your most potent weapon in killing this affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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sunny, I wouldn't suggest doing any more exposures until you tell the OMW. I think that is kind of you to think of the OMW's home situation, but she will still have to deal with children and is probably very capable of dealing with dilemmas. I wouldn't put this off another day.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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It might be best just to call her up and tell her about the affair. [disguise your # with *69 so your name doesn't come up on her caller ID] Give her all the facts and tell her you have a tape of them talking. Offer to make her a copy. I would also offer your phone number and make plans to STAY in touch with her so you can become allies in killing this affair.

And very importantly, sunny, DO NOT tell your W you are going to do this. She will probably find out soon enough afterwards when the OM tells her. Expect her to be FURIOUS about it and you won't be surprised. She will calm down eventually so don't let it upset you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I believe that it is *67 that you dial to block your number.

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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yes!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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sunny,

A few more background questions:

How long have you been married? First marriage for both?

How did you meet?

Just two kids? 12, 10?

How long do you think the A has been going on?

sunny....you can tell his wife about mb....but she may not be in any condition to hear much beyond the most hurtful stuff....you'll know better when you get her reaction to your call.

Here is a sample of what you might say to her:

Mrs. X....my name is Mr ______. Please forgive me, because what I am about to say is going to be difficult to hear, and you may already have some suspicions. Your husband _________ and my wife_____________ are having an affair. It's been going on for __________amount of time, and I have positive physical proof. I feel terrible about disclosing this information....but I would feel terrible about keeping it from you too. I am going to do everything in my power to save my marriage and until the affair ends...both of our marriages, and all of children are at risk. Part of doing that....is confronting this head on and getting it out in the open. Please ask me any questions you need to, and again....I'm so sorry for being the messenger of this news.

Then wait and see what her response is. I've seen every response....anger, hang up, hysteria....you just won't know until you call. It's scary sunny....and I completely understand your concern for her children. The problem is that the longer affairs are left unexposed....the more entrenched they have the possibility of becoming.

Your wife WILL be mad....that's a given. If you think about an affair as an addiction....and it is....her reaction would be like taking away the drugs from an addict. The OM will be mad too....but he's going to have his hands full sorting through his own house.

Stay strong....be courageous....don't lose hope if the first reaction appears to make things worse. Sometimes, you have to have break down before you have a break through. Be assertive, calm, and logical. Try not weep or beg....and don't take the blame for the destruction that of the affair....your wife will blame that on YOUR EXPOSURE....don't let her blame shift.

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