I have been pondering this for the past couple of weeks after the “payoff” thread. For me, and perhaps most others here, the whole infidelity “experience” constituted the most traumatic experience of my entire life.

That said, I have recovered from it. My marriage has not. I find that distancing myself from the hurt, anger, and resentment has left me in an emotional black hole when it comes to having feelings for my FWH.

As the primary income earner in our household, and currently the only income earner, I have provided us with a very comfortable life style and a financially secure future. My FWH risked everything, for what I'll never understand. He doesn’t even know. I could certainly understand his actions if he had ever actually ever believed he had a future with OW, but he didn’t. So his actions were foolish and I still see him as a fool.

On d-day, somewhere buried deep beneath the overwhelming pain was something far worse. I knew it was there even then, but it was overshadowed by the intensity and shock. At that very moment of discovery, I lost respect for my FWH. He has never regained my respect and perhaps he never can.

I really am sad for what was lost and can never be regained. I am OK though. The bad feelings are gone, but having let them go, there is now nothing but a void. Quite simply, I don’t love my FWH anymore. I do want to, and a do keep hoping that those feelings will return, but I am afraid that they never will.

This really is, in some ways, worse than the hurt.

Who

Who,

Why are you the only breadwinner? Why can`t your H find a job? Any job?

FS is as important for most women as an attractive spouse is for most men. I think if your H can begin to contribute to the family finances again your feelings might change.

If you enter into a marriage with the expectation that your H will have a steady job and then he doesn`t follow through (with the exception of a serious medical issue) this will change your feeling towards him.

You`re dealing with a double whammy right now...recovery from an A and an H who is not bringing in income. I think it`s pretty obvious why you are struggling with your feelings.

Women are expected to upkeep their looks, men are expected to bring in money...shallow yes....but it is what it is.

If your H cannot find work in his field right now he can still find work in other areas while he looks.

How much does the lack of FS bug you?

WhoMe,

So you try to get comfortable on "the pee stained couch" or....what?

The final big D solution? Is life really too short? Do you wait X number of years to decide the next step? Is there a next step?

I am there...doing that.

I sympathise and empathise (I just don't know if I spelled them right.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

krk

Is this where the term, "trophy wife" kinda orginated?

What are your EN's, WhoMe?
I would guess that's an important focus here.

I could live with being the FS provider, as a woman.
But my EN #1 is Quality Time, not FS.

Actually my first M lasted a lot longer than it should normally have - my XH being a very demanding, critising person it was he11 to live with - but we had a very intense hobby that we shared that took up most of our free time. Thus my EN #1 was filled "plenty" and that kept me going for a long time.

My guess is, if you can manage to fill each other's EN's and are willing to work on the basic care/protect/honesty things, a M can be very fulfilling and the respect will come back.

What's left??

You, that's what. And that's a wonderful thing, in my view. Particularly compared 2 the anger, hurt and resentment.

-ol' 2long

I am exactly where you are at. Though my WH makes 3 times as much as I do, FS is not enough to meet my ENs. His ongoing lying is what caused me to lose respect for him. We are in the process of figuring out a solution to draw up a marital settlement agreement with regards to the house.

The flip side of anger, hurt and resentment is peace. But you can only experience peace once you have decided to let go.

When I decided I would rather live alone than be miserably married to a WH who continues to be deceitful and lie, I felt relieved as if a huge burden was lifted. And there are no regrets.

The questions you might want to ask yourself:
1) Can you envision yourself a much happier person without your WH?
2) How important is it to you that your WH contribute financially? If not, repeat question #1.
3) Does he have the ability (physically, mentally) to find employment? If not, then you must have chosen or both of you agreed that you would be the sole provider IF yes, again, ask yourself question #1.

It seems that you are at a crossroad where you must decide to remain married to a man whom you have lost complete respect. If you stay, realize that you will have a battle within yourself, scrutinizing everything that your WH does. But in the end, you still have to deal with your anger and resentment regardless if you stay or leave.

Good luck
Stargazelily

Sure, if it`s taken to the extreme that`s where trophy wife comes from.

Most people are not that extreme...most men do not need their W`s to look like Heidi Klum nor do most women need to be married to a Trump to be satisfied.

However most men do expect their W`s to look the best that they can given whatever they were born with, and most women will expect their H`s to bring in their fair share of money for a reasonable lifestyle. This does not mean that a man has to make as much or more than his W...but he does have to bring in something.

An H who turns into an unemployed couch potato is the equivalent of a W who gains 150lbs.

"Hey wait a minute...I didn`t sign up for that" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

FS is not discuseed here much because most men work. Most men do provide enough money for the type of lifestyle that the couple has chosen. But make no mistake...if your formerly gainfully employed H suddenly finds himself out of work and makes little or no attempt to rectify the situation within a reasonable amount of time FS is going to jump to the top of the EN list.

Whatever EN is met to the least of a spouses satisfaction is ALWAYS the EN at the top of the list. That`s why EN`s change over time and it behooves us to redo the list periodically.

And in truth it`s not even about the money....it`s the principal of the thing.

Can you please tell me because i am feeling all those things right now and i just want it to stop.nelly

Who, I completely understand your emotions. It's funny, but it seems that the majority of BS's on this board are fighting hard for their M, trying to end the A, recover, etc. I have no such feelings anymore.

DD#1 was different than DD#2 for me. After the first one, I felt comfortable embracing plan A and working hard. H's withdrawl took a toll on me, so plan A didn't really work out that well.

Now, I'm sittig here thinking the only thing I want to do is get out of this and be alone with my kids. If I didn't have the kids, I know I would be gone. I just keep thinking about them. But my feelings are the same as yours--I really don't want to be with this man anymore. So sorry you have the same feelings. Being out of love, and having no respect for your H is not a happy life.

Your husband sounds like he may be depressed. Has he had any counseling or therapy? Affairs and unemployment can be both symptoms and causes of depression. Could you imagine any circumstances in which you could regain respect for your husband? If he found a great new job, or did some major work on the house (while he was looking) would this help?

It's often said that the secret to a long, happy marriage is never falling out of love at the same time. If there is no enthusiasm for the marriage from either side, it may mean that things really have run their course.

I can understand those feelings. My top EN is "Openness and Honesty", and when D-Day happened and I found out what my W was really like, it was like someone blew a hole in my love-bank and ran off with all of her deposits, and we've been running on credit since then. And I'm afraid that credit is eventually going to run out. She's trying to recover our M as I am, and I do care for her a lot, but I no longer see her as the person that I married, as the person that I made my vows to, and that really worries me a lot.

More than just "meeting ENs" is involved here.

I've given myself a definite time limit though, as I think it's cruel to continue a M with someone that you no longer view as a "life partner" - you're basically stealing time from your S, time that they could be spending pursuing and enjoying a relationship with someone else who truly loves them and cares for them.

I had an interesting thought recently, to me anyway. If I Ded and ever ended up with a man again, I kind of wonder if the R would be kind of like it is with my H now. At times we are really close. However, most times I don't really think of him still as my H. Although recently, for a fleeting moment, I did. It's like I'm shacking up with my BF or something. I've said from the beginning that one day I'll need us to renew our vows. However, the more time that goes by it seems the less I'm even motivated to do that. I wonder if the idea of M has just become kind of obsolete for me or something.

Anyhoo, don't mean to be negative. This is hard stuff WhoMe! Regaining or rediscovering that which was lost!

All these feelings are pretty normal.

Anyone who thinks they will have the same level of respect for their FWS so shortly after dday is just mistaken.

It takes YEARS of living a moral life to get that level of respect or trust back. They have to become respectable, again. Two years after dday doesnt do it. It takes great time and great effort by the FWS to regain that level of respect. Other aspects may be recovered more quickly, but that respect takes a lot of time.

Some FWS's dont give it that much effort, so the BS doesnt get the respect back. It's a choice we make when we descide to stay with a FWS. Remember, it's our choice. You dont have to stay with the FWS. Eventually, I got tired of stewing in resentment. Then you're back to just 'life'. - Dru

Thanks all for the replies. I have been away visiting my 89 year old Mom, who doesn't have a computer.

Throughout our relationship both before and during our marriage, my FWS has been unemployed from time to time. Frankly, it never bothered me much before he was unfaithful. I always considered us "partners" and since I CAN demand a higher salary than he can, we can live comfortably on my income.

I think that D-day changed my perspective on many things, and I no longer feel he deserves to be supported by me. FWIW, I do think that I find it impossible to respect a grown man who can't contribute to the financial security of his family and was also too foolish to truely appreciate what he had.

My FWH is not lazy. He has a business that he works very hard at. It just isn't successful enough to bring in much income. He is also a published author of several non-fiction books, but again, they don't bring enough income to survive on.

I guess what bugs me the most is that if he weren't with me, he WOULD have to settle for whatever job he could find rather than holding out for something really prestigious. Maybe what I want is to feel that he actually understands how fortunate he really is.



I agree with this statement. FWH and I have discussed this and he does know that I am in crisis right now regarding my lack of feelings for him. I think maybe that he is too scared to contemplate what will happen if my feelings for him don't return.

But, he is at a job interview right now for a pretty high end job, so we'll see what happens if they make him an offer.

Who

WhoMe, I guess we both may feel a little like more of a meal-ticket than a partner at times. This is an issue that we have to resolve.

On the somewhat-flipside of that, I am deeply concerned that the only reason my WW is trying to stay in the marriage is the financial consideration.

She has been perpetually working on her undergraduate degree -- an ambition that I have fully supported both emotionally and financially. I am extremely proud of her accomplishments thus far in progressing toward a degree. She makes about a third of what I make, but it does add substantially to our household income.

I tested the waters with her about leaving her current job (and finding another) in order to continue rebuilding our marriage. This is because the most recent OM has business with her company and I believe the environment of her work place is inappropriate (sexual jokes and banter). She flatly stated that she needs her job to survive.

If we divorced it would be a great financial strain on both of us (and our children). She goes back and forth between "I don't want any of your money" to "I'm going to get all I can from you".

Financial support is only a part of the marriage (regardless of who provides it) -- the other factors and needs of each spouse must be met by the other.