A little background: I've been D (legally) since Jan. '06, paper work completed Nov. '05. Ex moved in with GF two weeks after D was final. He'd had an open relationship with the GF, involving my boys, since about a month or two after he moved out. WS? Never confirmed, he denied but I believe so.

Last night my OS wanted to stay with me instead of go with his dad because his GF broke up with him the previous night. We went to his favorite restaurant then walked around town. We talked a lot about his father & his lack of emotional range/understanding/availability (part of the reason he wanted to stay with me).

In talking about the break up with his GF he said he wanted to know for sure why she'd broken up with him. I told him he may never know for certain, people share what they want or can & he may never feel satisfied with her answers.

Side track for more background. Youngest son had asked me about 1 1/2 ago when he was 10 whether I thought his dad had the GF before we'd told them about the D because it seemed really soon for him to have a GF. I told him I didn't know the answer, he'd have to ask his dad. Didn't go over real well with ex as you might imagine. From my perspective the subject had come up among the boys.

Back to main topic. As we walk & talk topic comes around to why people break up, BFs & GFs & I saked if he'd ever wondered if his dad had the GF before we told them we were going to D. At first he said no but then said he had.

He is quite critical of his dad's emotional lacking & his father has lost a lot of OS respect. Since this felt like a lot of dad bashing I did say his father has good qualities.

Is this normal wondering & conversation post D? Did I say too much considering I don't have proof of infidelity? What's an appropriate amount of information? Oldest son is 15.

I don't want to talk his father down but behaviors come with consequences. Whether it be related to infidelity or his father's emotional lacking OS is not happy with his dad.

In my opinion..

You didn't say too much. You actually handled it marvelously.
Boys need the kind of Mother that you are....ones that will talk to them about feelings. Sometimes our boys are not allowed to express those feelings of rejection and I think that it results in behaviors that are undesirable in men.

You kept an ear open..and you kept his heart talking. You did good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Whatever you do, help him to deal and talk about rejection. That's a problem that isn't just gender based. It's a problem alot of girls have too...and women.

Mind you...this is JMHO.

committed

Nams, I don’t think you said too much. You already knew your YS had wondered about GF and dad. And, what you shared was in context of a bigger life lesson: sometimes there’s no “closure.” Sometimes, it’s just over and there are lots of loose ends.

Thanks committed & GG. Gotta run soon to teach class so just a brief bit.

My thearapist, knowing ex's emotional constipation, also said the boys are lucky I'm their mother because I do talk the them about their feelings. Already they are better equipted to deal with emotional issue than ex is at 43.

I'm quite proud of that.

I think you should be nams. I think you did a great job!

Hmmm, this makes me wonder about my situation......gotta work up courage to throw it out there.

Go ahead cinderella.

It's funny, these talks with my boys. I sometimes feel like I'm talking behind ex's back painting him in a negative light. I want the boys to have a positive relationship with their father. I don't want to appear as though I'm running him down because he wanted to D.

However, if ex exhibits certain behaviors or has done something regretfull & the boys ask I'll talk with them about it. If I look at it that way it's a positive experience for the boys even if what they are hearing about their father doesn't paint him in the best light. His behavior, past or present, is not within my control.

It's great that your son can talk openly with you. It would be better if he could talk with his dad. If he cannot talk with his dad openly, his resentment will continue to build.

Perhaps you could teach him some conversation starters or other ways to approach his dad with his issues. I had to pull teeth with my daughter, so you are one step ahead. Your boy is willing to talk.

If dad is not much for father/son talks, maybe he can at hear your son out.

I found a wealth of information regarding divorce and children here.

Divorceinfo.com/children

Maybe this will help someone else.
There are also links to other things at the bottom of the page.
JS

Thanks for sharing the site info. JS.

I think one big fear when speaking with the boys about their dad is I'll end up crossing a mom line & saying things better left for my friends.

ba-my son is very capable of talking it's really his dad's lack of understanding where OS is coming from. OS has unfortunately learned from experience with his dad that he just can't relate & his advice is off center. He leaves OS feeling misunderstood or simply ignored.

Your suggetion for helping him talk to his dad is well intentioned. I was unable to talk with his dad for the whole of our 20 year marriage. Ex is at the extreme end of inability to communicate or be emotionally involved. Very sad for my boys but also for ex. When I think of him this comes to mind: No matter where you go there you are. Even OS picked up on his dad's running from life's emotionally challenges.