nc007,
I'm no expert on plan A, but I do know:
- no relationship talk (I know that's hard)
- act like the sort of person SHE'd want to be with in normal circumstances (even if she gets confused over that)

I'm sure MB experts on plan A will chime in here.. or else, maybe change your post title to "need help with plan A" ?

nc007...

I am going to be very blunt with you...If you want to win her back and get this fog to lift, you are going to have to snap out of this and "man up"...Now, I can coddle you, but that is not what you need right now...You need to be able to start working a plan so that your life feels like you have some control again, ok? Brownhair is right, stop the relationship talks for now, they only make you appear clingy and needy...That will do you no good right now...Remember I told you, you aren't dealing with your wife right now, you are dealing with a WW...BIG DIFFERENCE! So yes, quit calling her and emailing her so much...Make her wonder a bit...You can still try to meet her needs without being sappy...What can YOU do to make YOU a better YOU? You want the fog to lift, so let's get to work on busting up this affair, what do you say???

Look what you told me yesterday about what the OM had said to her...He flat out told her that he won't leave his gf for her...This is a HUGE positive for you in that exposure to the GF may be the death of this affair...Can you get in touch with her??? How are you doing with getting a list together of people to expose to? I know that you want to curl up and die right now, but that will get you nowhere in reaching your goal...So are you ready to move on this??? Let's get this plan together, OK?

Talk to me nc007...

Mrs. W

NC007,

""Is it OK to feel better one minute then like someone pushed their hand into your chest and ripped your heart out?.""

This is what is referred to as ""THE ROLLERCOASTER". Just hang on tight.

You may want to look into antideprssnts. They help with the very lows and help you get through the day. Excercise, eat right, keep the booze intake to a minimum, try to get the sleep.

Your W sounds like she is reveling in her misery, "oh I am sooo depressed...oohh I am such a beyotch...I don't care what anybody thinks...poor poor me..nobody likes me, everybody hates me I'm going to eat some worms" She is, in a way, diggin' the drama. Maybe it's a defensive mechanism for her.

Plus she soooo wants to fight with you! Pull you into the drama. You are doing a fine job of keeping your cool when she spews her hateful tirade.

Keep on keepin on with the plan A. Be there for the child big time. Be the best H you can be, but you may want to tone down the lovey dovey stuff. Not to thick, OK? If you think it is too much, it probably is. Less is MORE!

Do NOT believe or listen to her foggy ramblings and dispair. Stay upbeat and cheerful, still part of the plan A. I would not approach her or be overly clingy. Forget about SF for a while...and why would you want to, knowing where that has been??

You said that the OM was not going to leave his W for her, correct? His W knows about it, I hope? Does she know about the continued contact? Does she know about the lunches? Phone calls? Plan A also allows, and insists actually, total exposure to completely stop the A.

So does she want to stay married to you? Want a D, or does not know what she wants?

You just stay the course, be her rock and her safe haven for now. Let her negativity, depression, and downerness (?<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />) roll off your back.

Stay strong and God Bless YOU!

krk

nc007...

Please read this great post, The Carrot and The Stick of Plan A, by Pepperband...It tells you about exactly what Plan A entails...It is important that you notice that it is not about being a doormat, and very much includes standing up for yourself...Plan A is a hero's plan...Done right, it can attract your wife back and make you her knight in shining armor...I look forward to hearing from you...Please ask questions about anything that you don't understand...

Mrs. W


.

lol you all so totally encouraging!!!

man up! that what i will do.

look after me and not call her during the day.

be upbeat as much as possible and love my son.

i guess what initially hurt me is that she came from a family that abused her from an EARLY AGE and i swore to take care of her.
the neglect and not paying close attention to her needs have partially landed me in hot water.

wishing she wasnt married to me was a stab in my chest.

she can only have 1 child. Our son is it.

so please understand...i badly want to take care of her.


MAN UP!!! ok i will do so and also be the best christian i can be.

what should i do about my yearnings to be with her?

its more than just sex. its the intimacy.

i so badly wanted to give my son a family. A happy family.

just learnt yesterday from you all about not getting sucked into her drama.So i kept my cool. In plan A can i still cook her dinner(use to) and make her breakfast?

IN plan A can i also kiss her good morning and help her get ready for the workday?

what guidelines would you suggest.

IS IT NORMAL THAT THEY DONT WANT TO BE AFFECTIONATE (Hug, hold your hand, etc.)

thanks again guys

nc007...

I will answer your questions, but first you must answer mine...WHAT are you doing to get prepared for exposure??? THAT is how to bust up this affair...Are you willing to be the hero and do that???

Mrs. W

nc007...

Please read this thread started by Longhorn, and contributed to by my husband Mr. W...It is a step by step guide for Newly Betrayed Spouses and I believe that it is EXCELLENT...Here's the link...

Mrs. W

The exposure thing right now .at this point in time would DEVASTATE our frigile truce right now. I told her sister and yet to tell her mom and brothers.The culture in Jamaica is different. Cant go saying to OW "hello, your WH is having an A with my WW" this would lead to serious repocussion on my WIFE from the OW. funny enough.

I have confronted him before didnt go well.

Need to evaluate the situation and do some investigation to get the numbers beforehand. then if no change....strike.

please understand my situation. it not cookie cutter as it may appears.

good to be with you guys.

Totally normal.
Think "upset teenager" and that will explain a lot of her behavior.
"Leave me alone"
"I dunno what I want"
"Don't push me, let me make up my own mind"
...

By repercussion you mean physical violence?

nc007...

There is no truce right now-the only truce is that she has you fooled into believing that your silence will keep her-that makes you a party to this affair by keeping this dirty little secret...Right now you have already lost your wife...She is an addict...Addicted to OM and this affair...If you want her back, you MUST bust up this affair...EXPOSURE is how to do that...What is it that you feel you have right now as far as your marriage goes???

Jamaica Mon? Ah great place...We were there in Feburary with our 6 year old daughter...Beaches, Negril...Beautiful...

Respect Mon,

Mrs. W

nc007...

What will DEVASTATE your family is for this affair to continue, wouldn't you agree? What is your plan to stop this affair???

Mrs. W

unfortunately yes

i am however creating a list of amily members and relatives that i can expose this to and let them know what is happening.

nc007--

I'm not an expert in any way, shape or form, but I've been through what you are going through right now. Just the last couple of months in fact.

When I found out about the A, I was feeling exactly like you are now. I wanted to get back to "normal" right away. But it won't work for awhile. It will happen, but you have to let it go for now. I realize this is one of your ENs that isn't being met, but you have to be a Giver right now.

My WW didn't end the A after I found out (they never do, do they?) even though she said she would. After several weeks, I gathered the courage to call OMW. It was very scary, and it was definitely one of the most difficult calls I've ever made. I did it when I knew WW and OM were together, so I knew we had time to talk. At first she wouldn't believe me, but once I laid out the evidence, she came around. She thanked me for telling her, and said she would confront OM as soon as he got home. I did the same with WW.

Yes, she was very, very mad. But I just told her I thought it was the right thing to do. I didn't apologize for doing it, but I told her I was sorry that it came to the point where I had to do it. She tried and tried to contact OM the rest of the day, but he didn't or couldn't respond. WW was in the dark, and she was scared and fightin' mad at me. I just remained cool.

You should be ready for this too. It's going to be like that if you expose. But here's the good part. THE NEXT DAY, OM gave her a NC call (they work together). She was devestated of course, but she sent me an email and told me what OM said, and then, believe it or not, she thanked me for calling OMW. She suddenly realized that she had destroyed everything that was good in her life, and it was all for nothing. She also came out of the fog enough to realize that I did it for our marriage, not to punish her or hurt her.

It took several weeks for withdrawal to wain, but we are now in recovery, and although it's slow progress, and it's VERY hard, it's progress nonetheless.

Those weeks between D-Day and Exposure, every day I woke up and made my plan to be the best father I could possibly be, and husband, too. The husband part is tricky, because she won't let you do certain things. Skip those and concentrate on what you can do.

Like you, I wanted affection and intimacy with WW after the exposure. WW told me that when I touched her it felt like her skin was inside out. That hurt, but it was a signal for where her boundaries were and what she was capable of feeling at that time. Things are different now. Nowhere near sex, but it's only been a short while. We have a long way to go.

So, that's my story. It could be yours, too, but you have to do what everyone here is saying: YOU HAVE TO EXPOSE IF YOU WANT TO RECOVER YOUR MARRIAGE! There is NO other way. None. You have to realize that she will not leave OM of her own volition. Something will have to force her. Right now, you're that force. Just you. It's a powerful force, but not enough. Imagine having 10x that force putting pressure on them. OMW, family and friends ... they will be your army and help you win this battle. Right now you are outnumbered!

Hope this helps and gives you the courage you need to do this. You can do it.

i feel more equipped for this battle ahead. especially with the fact that i have to protect my 5 Y.O. from this ordeal.

i pray that God sheild him from all this gunk that is happening.

You know what hurts me the most? the fact that i initally took the blame for what has happened.

this may have reinforced her thoughts that i caused this affair.

We go home in the evenings and the commute is approx.45mins.
you cant be silence in the car for that long now can you?

talk to me.


Its now a struggle....other women in the office are starting to look more desirable.Know its not right..maybe its just the anger inside me

any advice?

well i am going to find those numbers when she is asleep.pray that i do the right thing.

ADVICE? YES!!!! DO NOT SACRIFICE YOUR INTEGRITY...YOU WILL REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE...Please take it from one who knows...Further, two wrongs don't make a right...nc007, you are a married man...you are the only sane parent that your dear son has right now...you owe it to yourself and him to remain faithful, good and true...Look your son in the eyes and tell him (silently) that you will do EVERYTHING in your power to save his family...You will set for him the example that you always dreamed that you would...You will be the man that you aspired to be...You will ACT you won't REACT...You will be the hero...

Can you explain to me please how you KNOW that telling OM's girlfriend would most certainly result in a physical altercation...I suspect that your imagination is playing wild tricks on you right now...Don't you think that instead she may be hurt and devasted and will try to do what she can to recover her relationship? Please give me what FACTS that you have that make you so certain of the outcome...

Mrs. W

Ahhhhhhhhhh

Welcome Ms.W,

to the land of wood and water. Hope you had a lovely time.

question: can i do this commando style? get the number, buy a different cell phone and call the home (if i get the number) and expose the OM anonimusly? with evidence.?

Flare Prayers Going Up nc007...Come here for advice about any of the small details should you need it...Remember, exposure in one fell swoop is the most effective...NOT little drips and drabs...Godspeed, my friend...

Mrs. W