This is my first post so I'll apologise if i ramble a bit.
OK here goes,
2 and a half years ago I started having an EA/PA with my BF's H. My H, my BF’s H and I are all in the Australian Navy. Both marriages were having really big problems and her H and I had a lot in common and became really close really quickly as she used to suggest I do heaps with him because it meant that she didn’t have to do things that she wasn’t’ interested in. So it was a matter of one thing leading into another.
It lasted for 2 years and during that time we never went for more than three hours without seeing each other or talking. We really did mean the world to each other. I guess one of the biggest attractions was that we are both very affectionate people and are both married to people who aren’t.
The PA started just 5 days after my H posted to the other side of the country but to be honest, the EA had been going a long time before that. 1 year into it I had to post as well and although we thought it would end then, it never and we were even closer than before. Not quite 1 year later again My BF said that he had to leave and so he and I were going to see if we could make a go of it. I arranged for my daughters to stay with my parents for a short time so that I could post closer to him and see if things were going to work. A couple of weeks before I moved I got a phone call from my BF (which was a little weird because I had moved and not given her my new number as she had stopped calling me months earlier). I called him and he said that she had found the number on the phone bill.
Anyway long story short, it ended there and we never did get a chance to see what would have happened.
But after being separated from my H for more that 18 mths we are now getting along great and I’m looking forward to spending my life with the man that I married.
HOWEVER, I have one problem left.
It’s now been 6 months since I have spoken to the OM and yet I still think about him constantly and how amazing he used to make me feel.
How do I stop this ? ? ?
I love my H and really want to make it work this time. I just don’t know how to stop thinking about the OM.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I'm going to need a little more backround information before I can advise you.

What I'm trying to determine..and did not see addressed in your post..was this..

What are your conflicts?

Do you feel any conflict about betraying your husband?

How about your BF [I assume this means best friend?]

What are the circumstances surrounding you sending your child away while you attempt to have a go at your affair?

Why would your child be with your mother rather than with her father?

What besides OMs inconvenient proximity caused you to reconsider your marriage?

How did you get from wanting to leave and make a life with OM..to wanting to stay and attend to your marriage?

Does your former best friend know?

Does your husband?

Startingagain,

You describe your affair in a very cavalier manner which could lead me to conclude that you simply do not know the difference between right and wrong and therefore felt no conflict about any of the above including abandoning your child for a period of months in your pursuit of gratification..or that you posted nervously and did not know what to say or how to say it.

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming the second for the time being..if this is the case then there are plenty of things you can do to rebuild or even build [as perhaps the structure never existed in the first place?] you marriage..however if you have no moral compass or concept of consequences the only advice I could offer would be to your husband..that he find a good lawyer.

Does your husband know some, most or all about your affair???

As far as getting over OM. This may be tough to understand right now but if you stick around here long enough you will come to the realization that OM is irrelevant. Your affair was about you. It was your addiction. It was your fantasy and escape from reality. Like the alcoholic that will drink anything, OM was just your brand of choice. There really wasn't anything "real" about it.

Like an alcoholic...you can't just quit OM. Without a recovery process and/or plan...OM or the next OM will always be just an opportunity away.

You have the ability to fix your life. To be the person you choose to be and not the adulterer you once were. You've taken great strides in maintaining no contact this long. I know you want "closure", but what you really want is one more drink...just a drink to say goodbye to drinking. It's a waste of time. You can't have and don't need just one last drink. KWIM.

Good Luck
Mr. Wondering

p.s. - BTW, I am not a recovering alcoholic...I just somehow got on the bandwagon of the parrallels of AA recovery after having just read a recent thread.

Noodle,
At the time I’d have to admit that I had no guilt about what I was doing at all. Now I feel terrible. About the entire thing, I know it was the wrong thing to have done, it just seemed like every time I tried to sort things out with my H he’s hide himself in a bottle of rum.

Yes BF is (was) my best friend and I’m not sure why, I promise you I’m not a completely terrible person, but I never felt bad about that either and for some reason I just don’t think about her. I guess that’s probably a lot of the problem.

The reason my 3 daughters stayed with my parents was because my H was at sea and at the time was an alchoholic and a compulsive liar. The house he was in was always full of drunk idiots and was always that filthy that I would never have left even my dog in that house. This is what caused the problems in our relationship before the A came about. He was seriously depressed and was falling apart. This went on for three years before the A and I tried everything I knew how to help him. Nothing worked.

The reason that my H and I are trying again is because some how this whole big mess has caused me to grow up a lot and also my H has stopped drinking and is trying really hard to quit the constant lying.

As for the last two questions, does BF or my H know, I’m not too sure what you were asking what they knew about.

I do know the difference between right and wrong, I know how badly I hurt my H. When I think about how badly I have acted it makes me sick to the stomach. I am completey serious about making things last. And you were right when you said that we didn’t have the structure for a relationship that could last in the first place. We were very young when we met and fell pregnant and got married within 12 months of meeting. For a long time our relationship was based on sex and nothing else. It’s different now. Before we committed again we made sure that we were really good friends first which has helped heaps. We can talk to each other about most things now. Which is fantastic.
That’s why I’m so confused, I don’t want to be with the OM at all.
I just can’t stop having him popping into my thoughts.
I don’t know why.

Mr Wondering,
MY H knows about the entire thing, I told him 1 month into it and BF found out right at the end.

I really really don't want to be with the OM again, ever. That's why I don't understand the thoughts.

Well that's a reassuring response! Sorry but I really couldn't tell.

OK so there are several issues.

The first being your Hs alcoholism.

MB tactics and tools do not work with active addicts.
Is he involved with AA or some system? Alcoholism is rampant in the military..what plans have the two of you made to address this?

Are you both in IC and MC [individual counsel and marriage counseling]..sounds like you both have some demons to fight. His being already stated..yours being having your response to marital dissatisfaction be an affair. Be sure that your counselors are PRO marriage you might even ask them to incorporate MB into your recovery plan.

Then there are the reading materials..His Needs Her Needs are a good start..along with surviving an affair..and there are MB workbooks available..I think even through this site if that's more convenient.

In part you are thinking about OM because you have created an addiction response with your affair..in part you are likely thinking of him because he filled emotional needs that your H did not..and in his absense they may be going unfilled..the desireable outcome would be transference..having your H become the person to fill them..allowing the addiction to become dormant [be mindfull..it will never be any less than dormant..lifelong NC is crucial and not a step you can avoid] will take care of MOST thoughts of OM..the third category would be the road not taken..and all people have these thoughts..you would have them no matter what..if you had left your H to pursue OM you would be left to wonder what might have been ..this is no different. The answer is that you have made a choice in a situation that required one as having both options [ie cake eating] was not a sustainable lifestyle.

Noodle,
First of all I wanted to say thanks for writing, it’s really helpful to know that there is someone that I can talk to about it.

My H isn’t in AA and has no plan on changing that any time soon. He has been doing really well though, so I’m not too sure if I should ask him to ? ?

I’ve had a lot of IC which I have found great and we have attended some MC as well but they have been terrible. My H has lots of trouble talking about emotions at all, much less to a stranger and to be fair, he really has had a pretty rough time.

We have done a couple of the workbooks, we both enjoyed doing something together again and both gained quite a bit of knowledge about each other, that we had no clue about before hand.

I know that you’re right about him filling my emotional needs. The OM did this really well, he was 5 ranks above me, and 11 years older, so I really looked up to him right from the start.
But my H has been great and I can tell that he’s putting in everything to what he can.

When you said that the addiction will become dormant, does that mean it will always be there ? ?
That’s a scary thought. Is it really always going to be this hard ? ? ?
How can I be a good W if I have all this stuff lying dormant, just waiting for the first hard time to come along and make it all surface again?

You know, it would be great if life was just easy sometimes ! ! !
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

What makes you safe to be around your other girlfriends' husbands?

This is a REAL question .... think about your answer.

This is about you, not about OM or Mrs OM, so answer without making reference to OM or his W.

Convince us you would make a good best friend to another woman.

What makes you risky as a best friend to another woman?

Pep

To be honest, I guess there's nothing really.
Only the fact that now I know how much I hurt everyone around me. That it was the most stupid and immature thing I could have done.
All I know is how much I want my marriage to work.
I am thankfull every day for the fact that my H has taken me back and let me try and show him how sorry I am and I have made some really big adjustments to my lifestyle and made a few really hard decisions to make sure that I have my head in order.
I'm trying to deal with little problems as soon as they come up so that I don't end up in the position where I can potentially hurt people again.
I have to believe that a person can learn from their mistakes and I definitely know how big a mistake the entire thing was.

thank you!

Now ...

what kind of woman
friend
sister
daughter
mother

do you admire?

If you can paint a mental picture of the person you wish to become ... and you truely concentrat on ~her~

your thoughts of OM will fade

as you put your own identity in the forefront

not how you want to ~feel~

but instead

how you want to ~become~

based on your values

Pep

Well I've spent a few days thinking really hard about what you said and I've decided that could possibly be the best advice that I've ever been given!
You are exactly right!
If I make myself become that woman, the one that my daughters and husband and family and friends all deserve then that's all I can do isn't it!

Thanks! ! ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Startingagain1, underneath are some practical guidelines to help you get the OM out of your head. These guidelines are from the withdrawal guide in my signature line (just click on the link in my signature in case you want to read the whole thread on withdrawal):

1. Keep yourself busy, although you may not feel like doing anything. Getting busy will keep your mind from wandering to thoughts of OP. Spend as little time alone as possible. Go to the movies, a concert or a play, whatever you enjoy...as long as you gets busy! Post here, pray, call old friends you may have been neglecting or call current friends you spending too little time with.

2. Get involved with ministry/community service/charity or anything similar. Helping others will take your mind off yourself.

3. Go to your Medical Practitioner and/or Counselor and get antidepressants if necessary. Don’t hesitate to seek professional and medical help if you feel it's necessary.

4. Show love to your S, even when it feels a bit unnatural, fake or forced at first. The acts of love became more real and heartfelt the more they are repeated. When you actively show love and receive feedback from your S, it will become pleasurable to repeat those things. The more you do them, the more real they will become. And spend time with your mate. Do something different. Get out of the rut. Develop new interest. Have fun together. Work at becoming friends again.

5. Make a conscious effort to avoid things that will remind you positively of the OP. Whether it's romantic songs or movies that you enjoyed, hobbies or pastimes you had in common, or just dwelling mentally on conversations or times you enjoyed together...you must do your best to avoid dwelling on them. Thoughts of the OP will pop up and the temptation is to daydream about them at length but the good news is, as you AVOID CONTACT with the OP and having NO CONTACT, these things will fade. The OP itself will become more of a blurry memory. When these memories come up, do whatever you have to do to stop thinking about them. If the OP pops up in your mind, turn your thoughts to happy memories of times with your spouse. Pick up a book, watch a TV show, read the Bible, call a friend, just try hard not to dwell on them. Again, with this, you will find it easier to do as time passes and there is no contact.

6. Constantly remind yourself of the great things about your spouse, and the not-so-great things about the OP. Be honest with yourself. There are areas that you KNOW your spouse is superior to the OP. If you can't think of any, grab on to ANY positive thing you can think about in regards to your spouse. Think of the things that attracted you to your spouse initially, or that you've always liked or admired or respected about him/her and focus on that. Think on these things. Remind yourself of things about the OP that were definitely negative. Magnify them if you have to. Remind yourself that your spouse have it over the OP big time in a couple of major ways e.g:

i) Your spouse didn't indulge in an A with a married man/women.

ii) They love you enough to want to stay with you and stand by you, in spite of the pain you caused him/her.

The above two things alone show you the kind of love and integrity from your BS.

7. Remind yourself constantly that love is something you DO, not something you feel. Love is meeting someone's needs. Love is action. Feelings come and go...especially fantasy-based and fog-based feelings.

8. Develop a good & strong support system which can help & encourage you to maintain NC and stay committed to it. You can accomplish this by taking the following steps:

i) Be honest & open with your BS. Your S must become your greatest friend and confidant. Your S is the key and most important person who can help you to stay committed and maintain NC with OP.

ii) If you have close friends of the same sex who are trustworthy, religious and set a high importance on M and the well-being of both you and your S, then confided in them. The same goes with family members. On days you feel ‘down’, weak and/or vulnerable to contact OP, you can contact them in stead and go to them for support, go out for a cup of coffee with one of them or whatever.

iii) Seek professional help & support. Go to a trusting, outside person like a Christian counselor/therapist or pastor. Make sure the person you seek out is religious and values the importance of marriage in general and the importance of fidelity in a marriage.

8. Know that there is HOPE! There is definitely hope for your marriage and your feelings for the OP can fade. Keep trying, and don't beat yourself up when you have mental and emotional setbacks, because you will. Just look at the big picture and keep going. Realize that recovery is not necessarily about strength, but most importantly the choice and realization that NC is the only way to go. It’s also about the desire to regain your own integrity in spite of your weakness and temptation to contact the OP during withdrawal and early recovery.

Startingagain1, in addition to the guidelines above, I also want you to read the following insightful post I once received from Ark^^ while I was still in withdrawl from OM and struggled to get rid of those thoughts & feelings (it took me 18 months in total to get through withdrawal completely). Here is the post:



Hope this will help.

Startingagain, I want to add something to my previous post:

You need to remember that the desire to think about the OM and dwell on those thoughts is a temptation and every time you give in to those thoughts you react on the temptation. Therefore, you will also benefit from reading the following thread:

Growing through & defeating temptation

Thanks Suzet,
Wow, it really feels like some of you speak from inside my head sometimes.
So much of what you said, especially in the post that ark answered for you.
I really do feel guilty about the thoughts I have of OM.
It’s comforting to know that withdrawals lasted this long for you too. It sort of tells me that I’m not on my own.
My H and I are both in a new posting so we don’t have any really close friends yet and he is fairly hesitant in me making any since the last time I did, I got closer to her H than her. I can’t blame him for this either, I’m just trying to concentrate on building up trust again and becoming really close friends with my H. It’s been a long time since we were close like that. To be honest we never really were really close friends.
Our romantic story of how we met is this,
I saw his can, and fell madly in love! He saw my a**e and decided he wouldn’t mind having it on his back seat, so after 2 weeks of driving around and going to the movies he got just that!
We moved in together 3 months later, fell pregnant 3 months after that, got married and had another two little girls all within a couple of years.
Thanks again, I really do appreciate the fact that people chose to want to help other people on here. I know you’ve all been a great help to me.

Startingagain,

I’m glad my posts were helpful to you. Did you read the link on how to grow through and defeat temptation too? That material was especially helpful and insightful to me also recently after I’ve had a relapse (contact with OM) and some of those thoughts and feelings had returned.

I have read it and it has been helpful as well. The list of questions that I had to ask myself was like a light bulb going off in my head. There are specific times, places, and situations that bring on the thoughts about the OM.
I can understand how you had a relapse after contact with OM again. I know for a fact that would be exactly what would happen if I ever made contact again. Which I find just crazy, I could just never say no to him. Never.
When your link said to ask yourself what your weakness’ are, I realised that is exactly where my weakness is. I don’t know how I didn’t realise it earlier. He made me feel so special and the thought that he was willing to risk his family and his job just to be with me was so flattering. I relied on him for everything. For help at work and at home. We spent the majority of time after work together as well, I centred my whole life around him for two years and he did the exact same. He made me feel so good about myself, like I was worth a million dollars and I guess that was a huge part of the attraction and why I loved him so much.
I realise now and especially after reading that link, that what I loved was the attention, and that if I give my H the chance that there’s no reason in the world why he can’t give me that.
I’ve also realised that feeling fantastic about myself isn’t worth a thing if it comes at the expense of someone else’s well being.
Even though I haven’t spoken about it all on the forum I have something else to thank you for.
Over the last few years, and especially since joining the navy, my faith has really fallen away. This forum and especially your links just go to prove that the bible really does have all the answers we need in life and I am very seriously considering returning to church.
Thankyou Suzet, your words have sort of made me feel a little calmer inside, maybe there is a chance that I can redeem myself for all the hurt I’ve caused.
I’m starting to think that maybe, just maybe, I’m not that bad of a person after all.
Starting again1
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Startingagain, this is wonderful! I'm SO glad I could be part of this realization of yours...the realization that the Bible indeed does have all the answers in life! And yes, yes please do this...return to your church and to God who loves you and only wants the best for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I feel SO excited for you! And yes, you are not a bad person, you’re a person who've made extremely bad choices in life but who have decided to turn things around and become a better person! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Startingagain, that link you've found so helpful (about how to grow through and defeat temptation) is actually chapters from the book “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren. I urge you to get hold of this book and read it. This book was extremely helpful for my spiritual development and getting closer to God. One other chapter on this book which also meant very much to me personally was this one: Transformed by trouble (just click on the link). This chapter on “Transformed by trouble” and the other 2 chapters on temptation, had the most personal meaning & impact on me personally, but it was still important for me to read the entire book to get the full message and that’s why I want you to get hold of this book too.

The link in my signature “For encouragement” also contains spiritual and religious poems, prayers and stories you will find helpful.

Blessings and take care.