it seems that when i read some posts that say a WS has returned and wants to reconcile.....even after filing for divorce or getting a divorce....

that they seem to wake up from the fog and thier feelings about thier BS and thier marriage are right back where they were before the "addiction/affair" took over

is this the way it is? DO they just "wake up" and it's like they lost all that time and thier feelings about the BS go back where they were?

that sounds like temporary insanity <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Aliens inhabited their bodies.

Eav - When my WH talked to me yesterday, it was just like he used to be. Who was that dude who woke up after a long sleep in the fairy tales? Just like him.

He joked with me, said he wanted to take me to Las Vegas this weekend, and on and on. Said I was a good wife who never deserved this, blah, blah, blah.

The problem is that I didn't guard my heart. I could never even be friends with him again.

If I had it to do over, I would have stayed in Plan A, and gotten on with my life. If I'd really known the affair would end, I wouldn't have done all of the pleading, crying, spying, etc.

Then when the affair ended, I might have wanted him.

there are many days, believer, that i wish i was still in plan A......at least having some contact with my H and trying to make some lovebank deposits...i just miss him so very much....even if all we did was send e-mails joking about our dogs...


but while i am in plan B i still have great love for him....but i think he's just forgetting me

but it seems your H didn't forget you at all

I too am lke eav1967 - I did a great Plan A from May until December 2005 - culminating in my WH leaving and moving into a flat. In Plan B has been such a lonely time - and its like Groundhog Day for me. I have my must do's like being nice to myself, going to the gym, keeping healthy and positive about the things that are down to me and are my choices. I came across my WH at work two weeks ago and he telephoned me that same evening- it would have been so, so easy to agree to meet with him - but I know that it would have been a retrograde step for me/us. I am still very much in love with the man I married - and I know that he has positive thoughts about me and our marriage ...but at the moment I have to acknowledge that he feels the OW can make him happier - there is nothing I can do about this other than the great Plan A, exposure and a full proof Plan B ..the rest I put down to faith and a belief in that I am right in living up to my promises/committment to my marriage. I was pretty sorted before I met my husband - and I am getting to be that person again.

eav1967,

Plan B is what brought my STBXW back to her senses(for a time) at about the two year mark. I am not proud to say that if her apparent return to normalcy had occured much earlier, I might have taken her back on her conditions.

I thank the Lord for the strength he gave me to walk away from the woman I love(d) when she would not agree to MY terms. At two years I did not want a false recovery and the gut wrenching aftermath.


I will always love my wife but have come to realize that my 7 years of M were completely and totally dependent on how much I could deny my meager needs.

I happily gave her everything that I could. I very much deserved what I got.

No good deed should go unpunished. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

From personal experience with this.....(EX WW) I think they wake up once their new so called relationship does not pan out the way they thought. Once they see the OP as the way they are, or if the romantic part of their relationship starts to fade and life begins to be more day to day like in a typical marriage.....having to deal with the same things.....kids, finances, home, food, work, cleaning. All of the harlequin romance ends and real LIFE kicks in. That is when waywards usually wake up. IMHO.

thank you all for sharing your experiences....the 2 year mark for me is July 2007(this is based upon when Jennifer Harley says the affair "saw the light of day" and she says this is my 2 year mark)...but he's been involved in the affair much longer than that and been gone for a little over two years

i thought for sure that after spending a summer with her 4 children being off school, he would see the light of day since we have no children and he doesn't LIKE kids! but nothing has changed that i can SEE....maybe he's about to crack....at least that's what i pray for!

i can't believe when i read posts that say they return like they hadn't ripped your heart out and stomped on it...like they went back in time to before the affair

it does seem like they go temporarily insane!

in fact, in Pittman's book....that exactly what he calls a romantic affair

so i'm asking for input from those who have been through it

i have to again say thank you to those who have shared that thier WS affair did end even after so long cause this waiting and hoping is the PITS!

Rip Van Winkle.

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Wow Cymanca, that's a nice summary of my M as well.
Thanks !

(((eav1967...)))
if your WH comes back to you..
make sure YOUR needs also get met.

In fact, is there a plan for that?
Yep.. plan MB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

thanks for thinking of me brownhair....

prior to the affair...my H did a great job of meeting my needs and filling my lovebank

I think a lot of people are forgetting that this is what Plan B is all about. I've read so many times that Plan B is for the BS and I really don't think that is what it's about.

The reason for Plan B as I understand it, and as an FWW know would have worked, is to let the OP meet all and every need. It can't help but become unglued.

What I'm seeing now on MB is that when Plan B has worked and the WS is ready to come home, the BS remains in Plan B. But this is really when the BS has the upper hand and has the option to take the WS back. The WHOLE point of Plan B is to make the WS realise what they're missing and realise that their needs are NOT being met and can never be met by the OP. I think Plan B is the most misunderstood part of MB.

So many people say it is for the BS, to remove themselves from the drama. I am completely convinced it is to make the WS realise what they're missing. It says so in HNHN and as an FWW, I know that it would work.

I agree with you Jen. This is important and should not be overlooked.

This was the value of PLAN B in my situation. My FWH got the opportunity to experience the REAL OW, bursting the FANTASY BUBBLE and could not get any CAKE from me.

To be honest, PLAN B did not work FOR ME.

MY WORK was during PLAN A.

I think planb works both ways really.

For me it has made it easier to live my life and not worry so much what he is doing with her.

In some cases though I do feel the OP meets all of the WS'S needs. I believe mine is that way. She seems to meet all of the needs he has. They have been together now over a year and he is content not to see me or speak to me at all. Maybe it is still all ego stroking for them at this time but I know planb is still something I need to do for me. I realized this yesterday and am now more determined to keep it up. I will update on my own thread.

So IMHO planb is double sided, with the main goal for the BS is to heal and become stronger. If the WS feels the pain and loss of the BS then its even better.

Hurting

With my H's 4 yr A i didn't know about plan A or B. I had read Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough' and towards the end HNHN.

Similar to Mimi's H, mine had to have the bubble burst. He moved in with OW and her 3 kids after her DV. By that time he had lost respect from 2 of our kids...they didn't want to see him. So living in what used to be another man's former house without his own kids.... Reality is what worked best.

I seemed to be moving on with my life, making plans for my future, taking better care of myself, more upbeat, appeared a bit 180ish. We still owned our business together so I saw him at least each morning. I'd let him know when he wasn't looking well....

When he wanted to come back to the marriage, I didn't let him just move right back in. We went to counseling and he moved in with his other business partner and wife for a couple of months.

Do you think it could work if you are in a plan B now because the WS wants no contact? In other words, we are not talking at all now because my WH wants it this way. Do you think it can work in this situation also?

LH,

Absolutely!!!! What the WS says(and often does) has no semblance to the real world.

BUT , a half-$ssed Plan B will get you half-$ssed results. Do a great Plan B and chances are that YOU will make the ultimate decision if your R is salvagable

Thanks for your response cymanca! I have to ask you though. How can I do a great plan B if I can't really do a plan B letter? In other words, it makes no sense to give my WH a plan b letter when he already said it is over. It's not like I can tell him now, ok you can come back if you do this and that. He wants it over. Do you know what I mean?

let me share what bothers me about this

keeping a marriage together through all the hardships every marriage encounters

is far more about

integrity

than it is about

feelings


personally
my husband can have all the feelings he has ... good bad and inbetween

but without his character
his integrity
his courage and his ability to self-soothe ... a change of feelings is not enough!

I would not accept a WS back into my life simply & solely on a change in their feelings

feelings change
always

what is going to be their anchor in the marriage the next time their feelings change?

look for a solid buttress of their CHARACTER and their INTEGRITY

feelings matter, of course, but character counts far more when it comes to an ability to recover

Pep

Kiwi,

My understanding about Plan B, from the Harleys, is that it is twofold: it prepares you either for reconciliation or divorce.

I think the emphases you mention -- on Plan B being for the BS, on pulling the BS out of the drama, etc. -- is because too often we see the BS leave the stage, then hang out in the wings to see if Plan B is "working."

What the BS often finds out after they have detached is that the marriage isn't worth salvaging. That the problems of the relationship are too great for anyone to solve. So staying in NC after the affair crumbles is often self-protection.

My own WS is apparently going to stagger from relationship to relationship (if he can), never looking into his rearview mirror. If he has regrets, I don't know about them -- and I don't need to know. Whatever regrets he might have are ephemeral emotions, unconnected to making any real effort. He has psychological problems beyond anything I can handle. I have no wish for contact.

Hurting, in my circle of acqaintances, conventional wisdom is that his life with his wistress must be "working" -- because it's still going on after three years. However, there are lots of reasons for it to stay together besides true love: among them her wish for a green card, his inertia, stemming from health problems. The wish to appear to be right. Lack of alternatives on both sides.

Someone who had dinner with them recently said they seem to be going their own ways. No surprise.

It sure looks out of gas to me, even from this distance -- but as I've said before, you can go a long way on the fumes.