And one of those fights when i cried all the way to work and am barely holding it together here at my desk...its a rainy gray day here and i just want to go home.

So H and I are up early getting ready for work...i say one thing - about putting something in the laundry 'hold on a minute' - - 4 words...H decides i was being '******' and says 'well of course you are in a bad mood - as usual'...

i walk away, go downstairs to get ready. WHY didnt i just stay away from H?? Why?
Oh no, instead i go back up and ask 'why did you say i was in a bad mood? I am just trying to understand why you were thinking that'...Round 1 begins - H is mad, mad, mad - the fog rolls in...'if you dont know why i think that then you are crazy - see this is what i have dealt with our entire relationship - i shouldnt have to tell you why i am mad - you will never change...so i try to calm H down, try to talk to him - WHY did i do that?

then I send up getting mad, he is being so awful - telling me the changes i have made are just temporary because i dont want him to leave, that i will always be the same person i have been, i drove him to this situation....$%^&$!!!! i am so hurt - i yell, i say he is not being fair - i tell him sarcastically 'yeah you have it so bad, poor H'

i LB even more on the way to work, leaving messages that i dont want to argue and we shouldnt have let things escalate like we did...DRAMA - what is wrong with me??? why dont i learn??? i hate this hate this HATE this.

Thanks for the vent...
MPELE

I hate sitting at my desk after something like that. Don't have much to say, but I know exactly what you mean about gray days and being anchored to a desk when your mind races. Try to think about something good that happened maybe get some coffee.

mpele,

Sorry to hear of your frustration. It does seem like you have a good handle on what problems you are making in your efforts to improve M. That is a comendable thing.

You mention "drama" regarding your phone message. I have seen "drama" mentioned in some of the headings but I have not read them.

I think I am creating "drama" big time in my efforts to recover from my H's foolish EA (EA that was more about his ego and not really at all about feelings for OW). Could you point me in the right direction in understanding drama? Any posts or reading material on this site?

Hope I am not being selfish in asking you for this help.
Lake

Lake - -
Thank you for your response, much appreciated...and of course you are not selfish to ask for help! I, too have seen some other posts re: drama but can't think of when or where at the moment (and i have had only one cup of coffee!). What i think of when it comes to drama and those of us in these situations is that the WS when they are still in contact with the OW is not someone to reason with, argue with or even attempt to have a regular conversation with....as long as they continue contact with the OP they are an alien. For example, the way i should have handled this morning would have been to walk away after H's nasty comment, or even just to say 'i am sorry you think that'...thats IT, nothing else. Instead, i ramped it up by attempting to reason with H and all h#ll broke loose - and my actions just added to his view that i will 'never change' because there i was yelling and being upset...creating drama instead of maintaining calm. This Plan A stuff is really hard sometimes, because it goes against all that you really feel, the pain and the anger - you as a BS are hurting so much and you just want to lash out..its normal but to Plan A successfully you cannot let yourself act on that - you cannot bring the drama into it....easier said than done, of course.
LAke, i hope this helps a little - i am happy to answer any questions....
MPELE

Thank you,

As the BS, in my situation, I think I am actually the one in the fog. My H had an e-mail, phone EA for 3 weeks, but as we processed what happened to him, it became apparant that it wasn't about the OW for him. It was about him performing as a witty, special, important, cool man. It was someone he dated briefly in HS. He didn't really care about her, just the correspondence where he could have an audience that reminded him of his youth.

It took time for him to figure this out after D day. He would ask himself, 'why did I do this?' because we really do have a good marriage that has gotten only better with time.

Now, though, I am the one in the fog. I keep thinking he had feelings for OW as an OW, not as an audience from his youth who could admire him and put him back into touch with his youth. So I get upset when I trigger and start LBing about OW as though he really cared about her as an OW.

He gave her up instantly and has had no withdrawal symptoms--because he did not really care about her--just about the audience. He is totally dedicated to me and happy about it--full of guilt and remorse.

So, today I suggested to him that when I react to a trigger and start talking about how much he was thinking about OW, etc--that he should use key phrases we have discussed to remind me that the EA was not about her--it was all about him. Hopefully this will bring me out of my fog and help remind me what this EA was all about.

It is easier to think of the EA as something he did to gratify his own ego and not an actual emotional attachment to the OW. I am confident that this is accurate. But when I get upset--I am the one who is full of foolish drama. Hopefully it is ok that he uses key phrases--I think it will help me. I also feel as though I should have better self control to stop my own foolishness--but I don't seem to right now.

Thank you for helping me
Lake

you are welcome...it seems like you and your H are working as a team to recover from this, which is wonderful. Not all of us are so lucky yet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Depending on how recent this EA was, you have every right to your emotions being all over the board - the rollercoaster if you will. I see it like this, whether you had a miserable marriage (me) or a happy one (you) doesn't make a PA or EA any easier to deal with - it's a betrayal and it's awful. I don't think you are in the fog, i think you are just dealing with this the best you can.

The fact that your H has an understanding of what/why he had the EA is a HUGE step - that is half the battle, IMHO. My H is ever-so-slowly emerging from fogland but still pretty much blames me for the A - much easier than looking at himself, of course. Your H's understanding of the A is key - and it allows you to be a team in your recovery - that's wonderful.
I wish you all the luck in the world, and please post to me again, I can use the distraction from my situation!

Hi MPELE,
I accompanied H on a road trip today--he had a meeting a couple hours from our home. I uncovered a couple of angles about my recovery. As most BSs do, I keep going through cycles of recovery.

Today I realized that one reason I cycle is that I keep viewing his EA from the perspective of what I would have done in an EA. In other words, if I were going to emotionally "fall" for someone and start playing around, what would I be doing within the EA.

Well, I know I would be looking for "Love"--someone that I would be infatuated over, someone that would make my heart go pitter/patter. That's me, that's what I look for in my relationship with my H.

That is me, that is not my H. My H looks for "admiration". That is what he was looking for--an audience that admired him.

What I have to remember is that my ENs are not his ENs. I can't view his EA from the lenses of my vision of an EA. My idea of an EA is very ugly--I could never get my ENs met from anyone but my H.

He got admiration, he got a new audience that would laugh at his jokes. He did not get and was not looking for someone that would make his heart go "pitter/patter". I do that for him and I have always done that for him and I will always do that for him.

He can tell me that he knew when he started his communication with OW that I would feel "hurt" by it. He felt when he started the communication that my feelings of "hurt" would be groundless--that it was a simple relationship where he could have a little light hearted "fun", recalling his youth.

Once I discovered it and when he introduced me to OW, it took only a couple of days for him to realize--oh no, BW would have been correct in her feelings of "hurt". This cannot be a simple relationship--kept secret from her. Especially when he read the definition of an EA from this web site, he realized the many ways he had crossed the line--even with just a private little set of communications with OW that did not involve any feelings of SF or the pitter/patter of the heart.

Now I have to focus on how to more concretely define "making my heart go pitter/patter". His need is for admiration. I know that part of making my heart go "pitter/patter" is to look at my H (the man I love) with eyes of admiration. So parts of our ENs do fit together nicely. I must tell him how I admire him--after all, except for this brief set of actions in our M, he has many actions that are admirable.
Some ramblings from BS who is trying not to create needless drama in recovery
Lake

Morning, Lake...
I will tell you that I have gained alot of insight about what H and I didn't do in our M since this most recent D-Day, and it has really opened my eyes to the kind of person I need to be so we don't end up having a M where the possibility for an A is ripe- and looking back now I see how true that was. Seems like you and your H are experiencing that as well.

NOT that i am excusing H's choice to have an A, not at all..and i have told him that; that I will take my part of the responsibility of how bad our M had become before the A, but I will never take responsibility for his choice to have the A....if it were that simple, after all, then why didn't I stray?

I think my H was similar to yours as far as the admiration factor...he loves it when people, especially women, notice him - i think it makes him feel more like a 'man', you know? He makes sure he always looks nice and put together.

I think he just basks in the attention from others, and of course now its from the OW - who is going to tell him everything he wants to hear. I've attempted to tell H how out of reality this is; that of course the OW is going to put on her best face for him, she will tell H all the good things about him, how wonderful he is, blah blah. H is still foggy though, so i am sure none of that registered. All H says about OW is that she is a 'good person'...yeah, a good person sleeps with a man she knows is married 1-2 days after meeting him?? Sure.

What I am doing now is really concentrating on me, for once. I let myself go so much in the last few years - physically and emotionally. The A, as awful as it has been to deal with, was truly a wake up call for me to see how far down I had fallen - i had become such a bitter, angry person and I didn't want to be like that anymore. It sounds crazy, but i feel better now than i have in years. I am sober, i have lost 20+ pounds, and i am happy - finally! Not happy with the situation, of course, but just happy to be living, to be able to wake up every morning and be OK.

My H does see the changes, and it has helped to fizzle the A to some extent, though NC is still not entirely established. I hate that part.

We are going to be at a crossroads soon, because we are taking a 9-day vacation in 2 weeks that will be wonderful...as long as H is in NC mode before, during, and after....I am really scared about this but plan to sit down with H before we leave and make that clear...i believe if there is contact after we return that i need to go to plan B - i don't think i have a choice in that. I am not telling H that of course, but i am setting my boundaries as far as NC.

Well, thanks for listening! Happy Friday...
MPELE

HI MPELE,

Wow... back after 4 years. I am sorry. Looks like the A started a few months after you got married? Do you have kids? Sounds like you are commited to this marriage? How has your Plan A been? Did you Plan A in 02, and again now? Is your H open to NC? How was recovery, before this last contact. Was your H remorseful and sincere?

If your H is in fogland and you are in Plan A, then time to get sharp! You could have avoided this morning, you admit that. I'd switch back into hard-core Plan A mode, say 'sorry about this morning' and drop it. No 'hashing it out' before the vacation. He's not in a mindset in which he can logically deal with all of that.

They're all mean when going through detox. Best to avoid anything provocative. Keep busy and pleasant. I hope you can have a better afternoon! Hang in there - Dru

I am glad to hear that you are taking care of you! It can be so difficult, especially if you are meeting the needs of others. I am glad that I was able to take care of me starting a few years ago when my children got old enough that I was not required to have eyes in the back of my head. I began an exercise routine I enjoyed and really toned up. Not much need to lose weight luckily. I continue to eat healthily and try not to finish food on plates where children's eyes were bigger than their bellies. Anyway, I know it helped me get through my H's recent silliness--the fact that I look marvelous!


Keep taking care of your self and care for yourself by enjoying what you are doing.

Lake