It's been two months since my WS and I have tried to recovery from his six months affair. We moved 500 miles away from her, but their phone contact continues. It's nothing like it was during their affair, morning, noon and night. They have a deep intellectual connection, conversation is effortless, etc. That is something that has been difficult for my husband and me, so what he gets from her is what he has always longed for. A soul-mate, finish each others sentences, sort of connection.

My husband and I love each other and have gone through so much in our 22 years of marriage. He wants to stay with me because he knows how much he has to lose by leaving to be with her. Although he is here with me physically, he is there with her mentally and somewhat emotionally. The OW and I share him and that fact makes me so very sad.

I said to him this morning: "How is (OW) doing this week?" He said: "Fine, we've only spoken a couple of times." I said: "I don't want to share you with her anymore." He said: "I know." I said: "Please make your choice."

He tells me they have brief conversations and talk about business stuff, work, life, etc. But how can I really know if he is being honest with me? I can't trust that he is giving me full disclosure, because he has a tendency to lead people to believe what he wants them to beleive. He has been ambivilent with me and with her, as well.

A few weeks ago she and I had the opportunity to text message each other and after I asked her if she would "honor our marriage". She said: "How can I honor your marriage when I continue to get so much attention from him?" I was quite surprised to hear that and confronted my husband. He was evasive with me.

Last week they had a conversation in which she brought up the wisdom in reducing their contact with each other so that he can move forward with his plan to reconnect with me and continue with our marriage. The OW seems like a reasonable person, but I also believe she would jump to be with him since she still has the connection and is not moving forward in her life.

I am wondering if to get a straight answer about their situation should I contact her directly? I feel like she would be honest with me about what my husband has lead her to believe about them and their future or about me and my future with my husband.

Should I have a conversation with the OW to find out the truth?

OP's don't tell the truth, so don't bother. Can you put a recorder in his car? Can you see the cell records? What "other" phone are you talking about?

Assuming you mean "Should I....."

NO!

You've already had too much conversation with her.

And "truth" is not in her or your H's vocabulary.

Stop this.

What you should be communicating to your H is that ALL communication with OW hurts you, hurts your marriage, and must stop.

"Why else did we move? Continued communication with her is no differernt than if we hadn't moved."

So, lay down your boundary. That said, he probably will not honor it. But lay it down just the same.

Did you accomplish personal improvements in your Plan A and demonstrate these improvements to your H?

Is OW married? If so, did you expose to her H?

Do you have adult children? Do they know of the affair and what has been their attitude to their father?

What is your H's stated attitude for working on the marriage?

Finally -
Put this concept out of your mind. If it were true, she would not be an OW.

He got another phone from his new employer and of course I can't check those phone records. I have asked him if he thinks they won't check the records and notice an unfamiliar phone number? He never gives me a straight answer. I think it is a risk to his job and his reputation to use the phone, but he continues.

I told him I was thinking about contacting OW to get a straight answer. He said: "I don't know what good that would accomplish, but if you feel you have to then go ahead."

He called me today from work and asked if we could arrange a babysitter for an hour or so tonight so we could talk. He told me he loves me.

I know he loves me, but he is still addicted to her and what she offers him in the way of intellectual conversation, a distraction from the stress of everyday life, and lots of laughter. Apparently she is quite hilarious.

So many elements are involved, so I can understand his addiction, but can no longer condone it. So I'm stuck here wondering how much longer he is going to lead us both on before he chooses.

We have a precious daughter whom he adores and who loves her daddy. It would be such a shame to see his decisions destroy her security and well-being.

I am trying to be patient, but am tired of sharing. I know there can never be a perfect relationship in which we both get all of our emotional needs met completely by the other. But I sure would like to try to meet some more of his needs and not feel like I am competing with her.

Lord help me.

I said to him this morning: "How is (OW) doing this week?" He said: "Fine, we've only spoken a couple of times." I said: "I don't want to share you with her anymore." He said: "I know." I said: "Please make your choice."

Why does he get to be the one that chooses...YOU choose. Let it be about the choice that you make...not the one that you allow someone else to make for you.

jmho
committed

How old is she?

Can you play hard ball?

WAT

Yes, I suppose you're right. She probably would only tell me what she felt comfortable revealing, if anything at all.

We have one small daughter who feels the tension and has reacted in certain ways, but obviously does not know what is going on.

The OW is married, but it has been a marriage of convenience for years. No intimacy, and it remains status quo up till today, from what my WS tells me. Yes, her husband knows about the affair. She is not moving forward in her life which makes me believe she is waiting for my husband....her "soulmate"...ugh!!

I will speak with my husband tonight and let him know that if he wants to continue on with rebuilding our relationship then he has to let her go. I don't hold much promise that he will make that happen. He seems to beleive he can wean himself from her. He's fooling himself, but he doesn't want to lose the friendship. He once told me that she is his best friend. He's never known someone who could finish his sentences for him. They have a deep connection.

I don't want to see him have to go through the pain of NC with her, but that is the only way I see any hope of our marriage becoming stronger. He is in a terribly difficult place right now and his heart is being pulled in two directions. I don't envy him and I certainly am not looking forward to the withdrawal he will go through.

What do you mean by playing Hard Ball? What choices do I have? We've been trying to recover (actually plan A) for only two months. Doesn't Harley believe that six months is a reasonable amount of time? Is playing hard ball the same as making demands of him? I thought that was out of the question while in Plan A.

Our daughter is six.

LHF - welcome to MB.


Please, please, if you learn nothing else from MB, STOP believing what your WH (Wayward Husband) and his girlfriend are telling you. Cheaters LIE. And lie. And lie. Your WH will tell you ANYTHING if he thinks it will string you along and keep you off his back.

Sure, sure, OW marriage of convenience no sex blah blah blah. Do you realize that they ALL say that? Odds are very, very good that OW is having sex with both your husband and her husband, and her husband most likely does NOT know about this.

Please Stop Believing Them.

Have you read the articles on this site? Not just the message boards, but the articles? You are being lied to big-time, and both your WH and his OW are pulling the wool over your eyes. You cannot let them do this to you.

I know you want to believe your husband, and that is natural, but you have got to protect yourself and your child. You must understand that this is NOT your husband you are dealing with now. This is a Wayward Husband and he CANNOT be trusted.

Please start reading here. Get a copy of *Surviving an Affair.* You have a long road ahead of you, but it can be done.
Mulan

How do you know this?

What have been your Plan A improvements?

Yes, two months is relatively short, but there is no set time.

You've already moved. Your H has already fessed up and says some of the right things. Many Plan As go for WAY longer than 6 months to get this far. But but he's sitting on the fence because he CAN!

I suggest you state your boundary. No more contact. Do not state it as "You have to end all contact or I'll...." That would be a demand/ultimatum.

Just state your boundary - and then call an attorney. Meet with an attorney to find out your options should he decide to move out. Don't threaten this, just do it. Do not hide this from your H. In fact, ask him what HIS plans are if he chooses NOT to end contact? This is hard ball.

Alternatively, call one of the MB counselors for custom guidance.

WAT

Thank you for your suggestions. I like the idea of putting the responsibility in his lap....asking him what HIS plans are if he choses Not to end contact.

You seem to have been convinced that they have a special connection, but this only goes as far as the addiction they share.

The laughter, the great conversation, the feeling of being 'soulmates' is all a byproduct of their addiction to one another. If two alcoholics are only allowed to drink when they are hanging out together, then yeah, they are really going to like each other! That's all it is!

Call the OW's husband immediately and let him know contact continues. If you are trusting your husband's word on the OW's H, then you are being way too naive about this, they always lie. Call him when they talk on the phone, let him know each time.



Best friends don't help you cheat on your family. They don't support you in ruining your life. They don't assist you in breaking the home of your child. Of course they finish each other's sentences, because they are both speaking addictish babblish. My wife said the same.... End the affair and you end his illusion.

We have moved 500 miles away from OW so there is no physical contact.

The OW's husband learned of the affair before I did, and has decided to stay. Why? I really don't know, if they are not really 'married' in the pure sense of marriage. Roommates is what they seem to be. How do I know this? Because that is what my husband has told me. Why would he lie about that? Is she lying to my husband? All good questions.

LovingHimForever,

People don't get into affairs without finding a way to justify their actions. Do you really think he is telling the OW that your marriage is good? That would be totally irrational. No, they complain and moan about their 'horrible' marriages. They say that they never are intimate with their spouse, that they are just living together for convenience... for the kids.

You need to understand that the entire affair is based on lies and deceit. It's a fantasy world where they manipulate reality to fit their intentions. They want to have a reason to justify seeing each other, so their reality is changed to accomodate this.

One call to the OW's H could give you a glimpse of reality. Take off the goggles your husband is making you wear.

ditto sundog - the drinking buddies analogy is a good one.


So settle this by calling the OW's H.

I'll bet a beer with sundog that he's clueless - or at least it's WAY different than you've been led to believe.

WAT

Call the OW's husband? Now there's a thought that I never would've considered. I'm currently giving thought to doing such a thing. Perhaps He would be the only one giving me truthful information about the relationship he has with his wife.

It might reveal a side of this woman to my husband that he was lead to believe didn't exist. Perhaps his impression of her would change considerably.

This has given me lots to think about. And it just so happens that I recently found their home address and phone number. Hmm....

LHF,
You are getting great advice here.

Let's slow down and think rationally about all this.

ALL WS's LIE!

He can not be trusted.

Please call the OW's H today. Let him know that contact is continuing.

Ask him to help you in breaking up the affair.

How can he do that?

By both of you telling your own WS that NO CONTACT is the most important thing.

Have you read the book Surviving an Affair?

Have you read the articles here on the site- not just the forums?

Plan A is not just 'the good stuff' It has more to it/ Part of that is exposure.

I think you should make that call now before your husband comes home from work. use the * function to make sure sh doesn't realize you call.

DO NOT keep talking to her.

Read up on Plan A and read up on BOUNDRIES - you really need some of those, I think

hang in there

Exposure includes informing his employer that your H is using his company phone to carry on an affair.

.........unless you've been doing your MB homework.

LHF - I gotta be a bit stern with you. What have you been doing here? Have you been reading at all?

Calling the OP's spouse is fundamental, rudimentary, one-of-the-first-things-you-do MB things to learn.

Please, please, please read all the basic info here and the links in my sig line below. THEN come back and ask questions about stuff you don't understand or how it applies to your sitch. We cannot do that work for you.

OK?

Just found out yesterday that the calls to Other Phone are being forwarded to the phone which I can check up on. Progress!!

We had a serious discussion about his continued contact with her. I saw the remorse on his face, but whether or not that remorse gets translated into action to stop the contact is yet to be seen. He knows that I will not tolerate being in a "threesome" any longer. I stood my ground and told him whatever he decides to do, and whomever he decides to be with is his choice. If he decides to be with her I will not die. I have my self-respect. It will be painful to lose 22 years of our history and love, but I will not continue a marriage in which I feel like I'm second choice, second fiddle.

To reply to WAT's last post: I have been on this site for two months and have read voraciously everything I could. All of it is good advice. I have read SAA. I have read the links you supplied on your signature line. All good info. Thank you.

My reason for not contacting the OW's H yet is simple; He already knows about the affair and their is a possibility that he knows and/or suspects that my H and his W are still in touch with each other. Yet, I suppose that if he and I were to compare notes currently he may reveal to me some things that I don't know about his relationship with his wife. And I may be able to reveal some things to him about his wife and my husband that he is not aware of. Who knows?

Well, I am looking forward to a productive weekend with my husband and daughter. We plan on spending quality time together.

I hope you all have a good weekend, too.