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#1728583 08/10/06 03:02 PM
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I originally posted this on the Resolving Conflicts forum and came across a suggestion to post here for greater response. So, here's my post:

I have been married for about a month and a half. My H is leaving me. He says it's because he has been unhappy for several months and needs some time to clear his head. I believe it is because he has become emotionally attached to a co-worker. He insists it is just a friendship and nothing else. The number of calls/text messages and voice mails going back and forth is shocking. I have asked on several occasions for my H to stop talking to this co-worker outside of business hours. Reel it in, so to speak. He has promised in the past he would, but for the past 6 weeks we have had one fight after another on this subject. The final straw was 2 nights ago when he hung up from talking to me to pick up a call from her and told me it was a male friend of his - he not only took a call from her, but lied to me about it and didn't skip a beat doing so. I also found a photo of her on his cell phone - she is wearing a bikini and it was sent 3 days ago. There is so much more to this story. I must have spent a good hour typing up the circumstances and then was informed my post was no longer valid. How very frustrating.
My H claims he just needs time to clear his head. He is not happy, hasn't been for quite sometime, he is not "closing the door on us" but if he stays eventually it will be the end of our marriage. Now, keep in mind after I found the photo, I told him this is it, me or this "friendship". I had bent several times where this "friendship" was concerned and this was the last straw. It is NEVER appropriate to send a photo of yourself to another woman's H. He claims there is nothing going on, they are just friends and he will not end a friendship just because I am not comfortable with it.
I don't know how many marriages actually survive a separation and I truely believe once my H leaves, he's not coming back. Even if he claims he really is just leaving to clear his head, to make sure this is what he wants, to be as sure of us as he once was. Afterall, if he comes back, I can rest assured that "this is really where he wants to be".
Any advice is appreciated. Like I said there is so much more to this story. If more detail is needed - happy to go into.

Newlywed...but not so happily

me: 36
him: 36
my first marriage, his second
kids: 4 - 2 his/1 mine/1 ours
married: 06/17/06

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Just to clarify,
you and your husband have been married 6 weeks, and he says he's been unhappy for several months? That would mean he was in this unhappy state when he said "I DO" ?


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BH(me) 32
WW 31
Dday - EA/email fling june 2006
NC letter June 06
Dday 2-3-4 july-Nov 06
Dday 5 oct 08
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Exactly. He said he was hoping going through with the wedding would put an end to any doubts he had.

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Did he tell you he was unhappy before you were married?


Married since 6/14/05
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Quote
I have been married for about a month and a half. My H is leaving me.
me: 36
him: 36
my first marriage, his second
kids: 4 - 2 his/1 mine/1 ours
married: 06/17/06

Off the top of my head, my advice would be - get out, quick. And this is happening in the "honeymoon" stage of your M? It is unfortunate that there is a kid involved, but it's clear that your H has NO concept of what the words honesty, trust and commitment mean, to be treating you this way only a month or so after committing himself to you.


ManInMotion
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What were his reasons for his unhappiness?

How long were you together before the marriage?

What happened with both of your previous marriages?


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BH(me) 32
WW 31
Dday - EA/email fling june 2006
NC letter June 06
Dday 2-3-4 july-Nov 06
Dday 5 oct 08
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
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MaddCass,

Newly wed with an instant family!!

I take it you lived together for a while before the wedding.
And you saw this happening prior to the wedding. And you got married anyway (as did he!)

Is the OW married? I suspect there is much more going on than a friendship. And yes very inapropriate for the bikini clad OW to show up on his phone.

Consider the worst, that it is a full blown A, then expose to all who matter to him. This will help stop the A. Then No Contact must occur. Plus he should quit his job if she won't.

Him moving out will only make access to the OW that much easier. THAT of course is why he is moving out. This should not happen...if it does you change the locks.

After 1 1/2 months I was going to tell you to learn from your mistakes and move on...until I got to your sig line and saw the # of kids involved.

You show the H as 36, but he is acting like 20 years younger. Does he care about the kids at all?

Hopefully more MB folks will start checking in with you. Stay tuned.


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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Sorry you are here. I wanted to point out to you that before you "submit" a long post....right click and copy your post to your clipboard. Then if the nasty, "Your post is no longer valid" monster message comes up....you can go back to your thread and just paste....I know very frustrating!!

As for your sitch, were either of you or your husband previously married??? And if so, what were the circumstances???

Again, so sorry you are here.
MWIL


BH(me)-46, FWW-43, DS-12, DD-14
A- 6-25-05 'til 5-06...Was Recovered! Back at it on 8/14
ME!!!!!!
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He never once told me he was unhappy before we were married. Things were good. Yes we had our disagreements, but as far as I knew, this was a forever kinda deal. The co-worker recently found out her H had a 3rd affair and started to use my H as a sounding board. His XW cheated on him so I guess she took comfort in his advice (ha). Once she found out this was not his 3rd affair, but his 5th, she kicked him out and they have been going through divorce proceedings ever since. Do I think it's a coincidence that our fighting and this "friendship" has pretty much coinsided with one another. Absolutely not.

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We have been together for over 2 years, knew each other from 10 years ago and reconnected. We have lived together for 1+ years and like I said, all was well, up until the "friend". Never was there any mention of being unhappy. The unhappy came about 2 weeks ago when I would not let up on this "friendship" needing to end.
His marriage of 8 years ended after his wife had an affair, her reasons for the marriage ending are they pretty much grew apart. He said after she left he began to realize he wasn't happy there either and was thankful for her ability to end the marriage bcuz he probably wouldn't have.
Yes, I think my H needs to grow up. Yes I wish he would have been honest with me before we got married and told me he was unhappy, but as mentioned, there are children involved and although there is a part of me that loves him, I do realize he's a giant a** and I should be number one - with his family a very close second. So, as much as I wrote this post for advice, I also posted this for the support I need to move on. To hear from people in the same situation. Eventually I will be fine. I think it's the waiting for him to leave that is so hard.

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So, my H just called me and told me that he is surprisely taken aback by the way his xw is taking the news of our separation. He said they have had a couple discussions and she basically told him she regretted the way she handled the end of their marriage and wished she had tried a little harder to make it work. He said she is actually being very supportive and hopes our family pulls through this. I asked him if he had told her the reason for our fights the last 6 weeks and he said yes, he told her about a co-worker he had a very good friendship with and I thought it had become inappropriate. He said that after going over the details with her, he agreed that yes, I am probably right. His actions are inappropriate and the friendship has crossed a line. And now he has to decide whether he wants to be married or whether he wants to be able to talk to whoever, whenever he wants. I told him I think his real decision is when he thinks he's going to grow up. I am blown away by the fact that a person can throw a marriage away, where there are children involved, bcuz they can't always have their way. I have no concept what it must feel like to be this selfish.

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First of all I am so sorry that you are here.....

But, I have one word for you "ANNULMENT".

If there is no such thing as an annulment try to some type of legal dissolution or something. The poor woman is not having conversations with will soon be the BS or BGF, you mark my words. This woman is attracting a certain type of man (see her soon to be ex) and I am afraid that you H is one of them. This will be a train wreck so you better get out of the middle of it quickly and protect you and your children financially and otherwise.

PS I would not be this hard had it not been 6 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and he's doing this. C'mon, give me a break, this guy is "lost" , needy, unstable of something.


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