Top rope, I wasn’t around on these forums for the past 2 days. I want to respond on the following post you’ve send on my locked thread. I don’t agree with your post entirely and want to make some things clear:


Top rope, I’ve never viewed or used my situation as a “shining example” of how working at the same company than the OP is a good thing and/or can work out because it’s certainly not. To the contrary, I’ve always stated how my situation is NOT ideal OR healthy (also how it has prolonged my withdrawl and recovery), but that I had to make best of the situation due to my circumstances and see how I could best manage NC with OM at work while still working at the same company than him (NOTE: not working WITH him). Therefore, I’ve always used my situation to show/help how NC can be managed in a situation where the FWS is not in a position to quit a job/find another one immediately due to circumstances.

For example, long ago I’ve complied this thread - Guidelines: How to do NC at work[/b] to help BS’s and FWS’s in situations like this and to help them cope/manage with this the best they can. Many times when I’ve linked this thread to people in need, I’ve made it VERY clear that the FIRST thing the FWS need to do is to quit the job and/or find another one ASAP, but if they can’t due to critical personal circumstances, that the above thread can be helpful until they can quit/find another job.

No, I’ve never used the word FEEL. What I HAVE always said, is that certain step can be taken (as the guidelines on my thread above) to help FWS’s and BS’s manage a situation where the FWS is unable to quit the job and or find another one due to personal circumstances…where there temporarily IS no other alternative…not where they FEEL there are no other alternatives…there are a big difference between these two. And I want to point out to you that unfortunately such circumstances do exist sometimes (as it does with me and my H).

I’m still of the opinion that I’ve never in any way directly advised against the MB principles and therefore I don't think I'm off the mark. Anyway, the fact that me and my H are in these circumstances e.g. my H’s current unemployment and the difficulty for both of us to find other jobs due to political circumstances in this country (as I’ve explained on my other thread) is not due to CHOICE…to say such is ridiculous and again shows a lack of empathy and/or understanding for me and my H’s situation.

Again, I’ve always made it clear that the fact that I still work at the same company than OP is circumstantial and due to political and economic circumstances in this country. Things me and my H never choose...

Thanks I will! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

In case anyone doubt what I’ve said to Top rope, underneath is part of a post I’ve send to a poster on this topic last year November. The full post can be found on this link.

Quote

Posted by feelingsolost:
OM and i never have to work together, we have separate jobs, and the only time we would ever have to be in the same room would be at the staff meeting. we'll see if i can take it. i have already told OM that if one or both of us are unable to handle it, i will do my best to find another job.

"My advice is to quit your job or find another job ASAP if possible. Continuous contact (no matter how limited the contact) IS going to prolong you personal and marital recovery. You will find it very difficult (if no impossible) to recover and “get over” the OM if you’re going to see him now and then. If you can’t quit your job right now, I advise you to do anything you can to reduce contact with OM at work to the absolute minimum and to avoid ANY type of contact with him…even if you have to stop going to places you might bump into him or stop going to the staff meetings where you will see him. See if you can arrange something with your superior if possible.

Feelingsolost, from experience I can tell you that occasional contact with the OM is NOT a good thing and have a MAJOR impact on personal and marital recovery (also for the personal recovery of your H). Occasional contact will also prolong your withdrawal period and it will take you much longer to “get over” OM. Even if your H is okay with you working at the same place than OM, I still advise you to quit your job and/or find another one if possible.

I still work at the same company than XOM due to personal and environmental reasons & circumstances. Although me and XOM don’t work together or bump into each other very often, just the knowledge that the XOM work in the same company than me and the awareness that his office id just one building away from me, made it very difficult for me to get him out of my system and complete the withdrawal process. The only reasons I could succeed in my recovery and “get over” the XOM in spite of occasional contact was because I was 100 % committed to my H and M; committed to stay away from the XOM as far as possible and willing to do whatever it took to avoid contact with XOM within the company to the absolute minimum.

Today, more than 2 years later, I still avoid XOM like the plague. I will forever be “on guard” as far as the XOM and contact with him is concerned. I know my personal and marital recovery would be so much faster if our circumstances was different and of such a nature that I could quit my job and/or find another one. Therefore, if YOU are in a position to quit your job and/or find another one, don’t even hesitate to do that… If you can leave your job, it will cut the time for recovery A LOT.

The occasional contact was not so much of an issue for my marital recovery, but more specifically for my own personal recovery (which indirectly had an influence on marital recovery and my connection with my H). It is very difficult to "get over" the OP and get the person out of your system if you know the potential of accidental contact is always there. And although I feel indifferent towards the XOM for the larger part now, seeing him will always remind me of that dark period in my life and all the negative emotions associated with it.

Occasionally, I also still have the temptation to “dwell” on certain thoughts about XOM and the feelings I had for him... This doesn’t happen very often, but after all this time the tendency to have these thoughts is not completely gone yet. I still have to fight against this from time to time. I don’t know why…maybe it’s Satan’s way to attack me or maybe it's consequences of occasional contact I sometimes still have to endure? Or maybe it’s because I still have a weakness inside of me? I don't know... I also had to cope with XOM's attempts to try and contact me at work from time to time in spite of the NC-letters I've sent him. So Feelingsolost, if you can leave your job, you won't have to cope with similar things I struggled with and still have to struggle with from time to time... It really holds back the recovery process and it's not worth it..."

Here is more posts I’ve send to the above poster.

More examples of my posts/advice on this topic can be found on the following threads:

WW A with co-worker. Can she still work after A?

Successful recovery possible with contact (limited or otherwise)?

Hi Suzet....I would like to e-mail Dr.Harley...But I dont find his e-mail address. Can you help me with that?

Thanks

Myrta

Hi Suzet ...{waves}.

I figured you'd have a comment sooner or later.
[As that thread just passed my Post right on by]. Zoooooom

Keep in mind,
I understand your view.
Just don't happen to concur.

Perhaps I will get the chance to elaborate a bit later on.
Not anything too intense mind you ........Cause I really don't want to argue about this.
Really I don't.

Till then,
no hard feelings (at least from this end).

Top rope (waves), no hard feelings from this side either! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You’re welcome to elaborate, but in case not…it’s fine…you really don’t have to if you don’t feel like it. I'm not interested in arguing either... All I wanted to do is bring my point across and make my stance clear…that’s all. But I guess it will be more difficult for people to understand my sitch if they live in a coutry where "job hopping" is easy or at the order of the day...

Anyway, like many others have done in the past, we can agree to disagree! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Myrta, here are the email addresses:

bharley@marriagebuilders.com

OR

jharley@marriagebuilders.com
(Dr Harley and his wife, Jennifer, shares this one)

Hope you're well...