Hi - I am married to a woman whom has 4+ marriages behind her. I do not have issues with that history, with the exception that she exhibits behaviors like paranoia, fits of jealousy, and withdrawal whenever we have the slightest disagreement. Is this typical of someone who has been married a few times? This is really wearing on me, as the any 'infraction' tends to be followed by, 'you dont care about me,' or 'Im not important enough to you; I should be #1,' or something like that.

Any suggestions, thoughts, would help. Thanks

Another explaination is that these behaviors killed those 4+ previous marriages.

None of us know, but I want you to know that I feel for you brother.

Decentman, I read your other thread. I think it would have helped Bill get a better understanding of the situation if you had posted your wife’s been married five times before she married you.

I think you question of whether her behavior is normal for someone who has several failed marriages behind her is flawed. Being married that many times in and of itself is abnormal. I think the question should be “Is it possible to be happily married to someone who exhibits paranoia, jealousy, manipulation, and put you in double binds?”

May I make a suggestion? I suggest you go to individual counseling to help you combat the messages of worthlessness she sends you, and to help you understand how you ended up married to her.

As a woman with one failed marriage, I can tell you I’m occasionally cynical, scared, scarred, and jaded. But I don’t think that’s what’s going on. It occurs to me that some of those marriages may have failed because of her behavior, that she creates the cycle.

Lord, I feel sorry for her children. It breaks my heart.

Ditto to all of it.


Mrs. W8ing

Yes, I have been investigating individual counseling. I probably also omitted the ADHD my/w has, that contributes some unknown quantity to this. I live in a very small town where therapy options are few and most are known to my wife as this is what she does, as well.

dm:

Yikes!

Married 5 times now?

That's not a lifestyle, that's a hobby.


Sorry for the cynicism. Anything can be saved, but the issues are going 2 be deep, and you may want 2 seek help from a professional.

-ol' 2long

Mr Pep & I are acquainted with an actress, who, is on her 9th marriage ... but the guy thinks he is her 4th marriage!

Is your wife an actress by any chance?

Pep

Are you saying your wife is a "Therapist"???

If so, with your wife treating marriage like one who changes their underwear, and then with her exhibting this excessively insecure and paranoid behavior, I'd think you'd be more worried for her patients. Good grief!

As a matter of fact, my wife had several minor roles in a number of TV series and made-for-tv movies. She also "modeled" as she calls it, swimsuits and lingerie. Yes, my wife is a certified counselor and LMFT. In my opinion she does an excellent job w/ others - she doesnt have to live with them ... She focuses on their issues, is very contemplative, and does her best to get to the root issue; I, on the otherhand, get to have my life's failures analyzed and nitpicked regularly (at least it feels that way). Some of these things were evident prior to our marriage, but now it has become a way of life. Nearly every night she gives me something to read. If I choose to read a novel or a magazine instead, then I'm guilty of not caring about our marriage because Time magazine is more important.

Update-

All-time low has been reached, as I am not willing to commit to making things work. I wont sit by and be burdened by 100% of the blame, to being 100% responsible for her feelings of jealousy, suspicion, and lack of trust.

I guess I draw the line at committment when there is a history of physical/mental abuse on both parties. I could be beaten like a slave yet it is my fault if I leave and use physical abuse as the reason. I am sorry for the example but that is what I said last night and her response was that divorce was only an option if the beater was mentally deranged and needed institutionalization. I am sorry but my line is a lot closer to cross than what that definition of abuse allows.

She doesnt feel as if I am 100% because I feel that mental abuse, manipulation and emotional blackmail are grounds for separation and possible divorce. Since I am not 100% committed, then she is 0% committed.

So, we are at an impasse. "Either you are with me, or you are against me." That is line drawn. Where have we heard that before? The line in the sand. The polarity of those arguments do not work with me, they represent a naive interpretation of the dynamics of people, marriage, and society.

...And I am venting.

Update -

Although nothing has been resolved; this morning she is acting like nothing has happened. In our last go-around, she reneged on all of her previous apologies, her hitting and anger, saying that the reason she hit and her frenzied anger was that I brought them on and I am completely responsible for her behavior. I can't be responsible for your behavior, I said, you chose to act that way. She responded by saying that I brought it on by my words, therefore I am responsible for her hitting me.

I will say in the course of a disagreement that they was she feels makes no sense to me, and she calls this mental abuse and her behavior escalates from there. Those are the words and phrases, she argues, that cause her to want to hit me. Or if I say that what she is upset about is not worth getting that upset about, not to the degree to which she gets. Perhaps to some degree.

I do not see her moderating her hurt or her anger - it is either 'on' or 'off'.

Don't people moderate themselves? Don't people ask themselves, should I get this upset? should I get hurt over this? should I let this bother me? And to what extent? Do people try to validate their own feelings to make sure that whatever it is they are feeling is valid? I think that people do, or should, but maybe people just run around getting angry and hurt all the time without stopping to think if it is really valid or worth it.