I'm not sure what to call him ... WH, H, FWH ... how about A**H (and then the H would not be for "husband"!)

I am certain that there is no OW, and NC with the old OW. Probably still a WS fantasy land, though....

I don't know for sure that I'm really 100% ready for Plan B, but I think I'm pretty close. My original intention, when the A was still active and there was still contact was to go to Plan B on September 1. So I'm pretty close to that date-wise. Plan A with no progress has been very wearing on me. I've learned a lot about myself, and made alot of strides myself, which is good. I still have a lot of work to do, too, so I don't know if I'd say I had done a perfect Plan A.

If he moves out, then I will definitely go to Plan B. I will have to see if he follows up on his intent. I think he might find that it takes too much work to do that.


Rin,

Mighty LaMouse has flown up my nose! I'm waiting for her to just take over my brain at any moment and start telling me what to do and say. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Plan A is changes u control 4 u. The Ws or Xws does NOT control the end of your plan A. When u r done with your personal improvements and he is still a WS or Xws refusing t/b your H, then plan B or D are next viable options.

However, these plans (B or D) should be done when your mind and heart are in sync. Otherwise, those plans can leave you in a quandry.

Don't give the plans a date. This is not a date driven function. The date c/b an estimator for you but a lot depends on when you can sync up. It takes time and not something even you can push on yourself. That is why reading and learning is sooo important.

L.

I talked to my BIL today about being an intermediary. I explained that it would be just in the case that H moves out. I was trying hard not to cry through the conversation, but had to put my sunglasses on.

I explained that any contact would have to go through him, and that I'd need him to "filter" anything, just to the nuts and bolts, with no emotional stuff. He laughed, because it's almost the family joke how UN-emotional he is. I told him this wouldn't be a taking sides thing, and we wouldn't be using him to mediate or fight through or anything, just as an intermediary.

He asked a couple of questions, wanted to know if H had "screwed up" again, wanted to know what H's plan was for where he'd live and what about the kids. I told him that I didn't think that H really had a plan, but that the preliminary arrangement for the kids was for them to stay with me when he worked, and him when he was off. (I like this schedule, BTW -- gives me the majority of the time with them and most of the fun time, too.)

He agreed to be the go-between, said he was sorry if it comes to this, but he thinks the Plan B thing is a great concept.

He's a good BIL. I'm really lucky to have such great in-law's.

Orchid,

I've been thinking a lot about your post today.

I might be missing the point, because I'm getting caught on a technicality, I think. I have a LOOOOOONG way to go on all the personal improvements I'm making. I'm learning a lot, but I think I have a lifetime of process and improvements. I don't think I'll ever be done with them.

So I'm not sure that I can use that as a measure for when to go to Plan B?

As far as my mind and heart being in sync .... that mkes sense. I still want to fight for my marriage, I don't want him to leave .... but both my mind and heart know that I will be ok if he does leave. And I'm starting to really believe that he needs to see what the alternative really is like. Mind and heart.

I think Plan A is losing it's effectiveness for both of us, and it's getting pretty wearing for me.

My nephew was having a birthday party today. At the party, my MIL came up and asked me how MC went on Friday.

I was already pretty choked up from having talked to BIL about being our intermediary, so all I could squeeze out was "not so great".

I don't think I should have done that. She's very upset with him and started saying how she's so disappointed and doesn't know who he is anymore .... he's not the man I married and he's not her son anymore.

I couldn't talk there at the party, I just went and played in the pool with the kids (easy to explain red eyes from chlorine!).

I did call her later and apologized. I told her it was never my intent to put her in the middle of things, and I didn't want this to ever become a taking sides thing for any of the family, and that I didn't want to be a reason for her to have problems with H. That he needs his family right now and I didn't want to come in between that at all.

She said that it wasn't neccessary to apologize, she didn't feel like I'd been putting her in the middle, and that she hoped I would still want to be family with them, even if H and I don't figure things out.

I felt really bad about saying anything to her at all, it felt really icky and wrong. Like taking a swing at him through his mom, who he's always been very close to.

I am SOOO ready for this vacation tomorrow. I need to get out and have some fun and not have to be so swallowed up by all of this right now.

I didn't mean u have t/b perfect?!??! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Oh no....the self-improvements are basically changes to help you see how to e a better person and work on it. Improvement will always be needed but the direction is what is important and of course making changes as we can. Not being in denial is a big step.

So u may be closer t/being done with plan A sooner than you think. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

AmI-

How can you be the reason for her having problems with HER son? Wouldn't that be owning what's your's not to own? It's that MIL's decision? She can chose to have a problem with him or not?

She asked a simple question and I feel you gave a great answer, not to much, not to little. You can't control how she reacted to your response. She's concerned about you, much like my MIL. My MIL would want the same for her and I given something happening to DH and I.

The way I see it this is another consequence to his proposed actions. Let him suffer the consequences...let go...are you trying to make it better for him, mother the situation? What do you mean you never intended? Can you determine whether other people take sides?

Your DH make a bed, now let him deal with it...Are you trying to protect him from something? MAybe himself? Let it go...You, You matter...You had a right to say "not so great." It was your truth, why feel bad about speaking YOUR truth!

You sure are a work of art...beautifully make and having a really hard time admiring yourself...it's okay! You ARE doing great!

U R imposing guilt upon yourself which is NOT necessary. Your MIL is trying to support you and you are pushing her support away. Be glad she agrees with you and yes, she is hurt that her own flesh and blood would do such a thing to those she loves (u and your children).

Bond with your MIL, make her part of your support group. She is no friend or relative of the WS. Ws' don't have relatives because they steal the bodies of real people. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thank you, Orchid!