from posting in Other Topics II ref Wife just ask for divorce...did not see it coming.

Had first session with counselor today by myself. W and I both met with her two weeks ago and W IC yesterday.

I asked from start if she was pro-marriage. She thought it a strange question. I explained my only goal was to maintain W and family structure and stop the hurting.

She said she was pro individual and would do what was best for the client. I ask what her plan was to help save our marriage and she said "I may not be the best person for you."

Here comes the kicker...she informed me that from the one and only session we had together as H & W, that she felt W had already given up and I should seek advise of attorney. She continued to belabor the point that she thought we were over as hard as that was to hear.

W does not want to continue MC...says she is done. Told her I could not give up on her and us until all possible solutions have been exhausted. She threw her arms up and said "fine, find one and let's go." I do not believe she will though.

Long story short, no A but I have emotionally devastated her. W believes I made her feel dumb and critical of cleaning and child rearing. After finally pointing this out, I see that I have not been as good of a H as I should. But I am still very much in love with her. She says she cannot continue and is not interested in giving me opportunity to stop and change behavior.

We just had very emotional discussion and we are both hurting. I see I am greatly responsible for her withdrawal. How do I support her and show her I really want to work on this?

Seems that you have not chosen a marriage counselor to begin with so, your W has not yet begun marriage counseling.

Counseling can be a money pit if you choose the wrong one and it seems like you have.

It might be helpful if you can get your wife (and yourself) to read up on all the information on this site. It's FREE!

Love Busters and Disrespectful Judgements are just a couple of the concepts that may be very helpful to you.

Counsel with the Harleys, slm...they are pro-marriage.

Are you now actively listening to her, stating your admiration and appreciation...sharing your thoughts and feelings?

What you do know matters...your focus on what you can control...you and only you...not on getting your W to do anything, is authentic and important.

Listen to ba109...DJs kill a marriage. You've got quite a few of them in your posts...this isn't a slam...this is pointing out what you haven't known before.

LA

slm,

I have read your previous posts on GQII. I hope you are not disheartened further by all the suggestions of a possible affair by your wife.

The folks of GQII are very familiar with the signs and verbiage of a wayward spouse. I hope this is not the case. As was suggested, you should do everything you can to first rule this out. If you are dealing with an affair, it is a whole different animal.

That is not to say that your verbal abuse has not caused major damage to your marriage. Verbal abuse can tear apart a marriage to the core. Understand that it is abuse.

I understand full well the affects that Love Busters can have on a marriage. You will need to assess yourself and the way you treat your wife. Some major damage control is in order. You are not likely to lure your wife
into marriage restoration if you cannot do a complete 180 with the way you treat her.

You may want to consider cutting back on your work hours. Every hour you cut back at work is time you can use to work instead, on your marriage. I hope in your case, it is not too late.

Thanks for input. I can find no evidence of A. I review all financials, have detailed billing on phones, etc. Most of the time we are not together she has kids. They even go to work with her most of time while not in school. I truly believe her when she tells me no A.

I really think, after she finally unloaded on me, that my behavior is the problem. I told her I would not willingly get D. Would prefer Christian MC to see if it helps. She admits that since she told me, I have changed and been trying very hard to treat her right. However, I fear it may be too late. The only reason she does not leave right now is financial. All our $$ goes to debt reduction and house. I know this is stressor too.

The thing that brought the most emotion out was her feeling that I treat her as if she is dumb. I had no idea. She has always had self esteem issues but now it's worse. She does not want to look like a failure to the kids. I don't think W is failure at anything. I am not good at compliments, never have been. But must be good at pointing out negatives.

I can only hope and pray that she gives me the chance to change. I want to for me, for her and the kids. Work schedule lets up slightly 09/10 then again in Jan. Oh well, gotta run to work now. W said she'd meet me at church later...I feel good about that. (Yes, fire dept let's us go to church on duty.)

slm,
Your story sounds just like mine, except that we've been going to the MC for some 10 months. My wife stopped coming the MC towards the end and MC told me to give up the marriage, sighting W's total disinterest in saving it and unwillingness to change! Never thought that this would come from the counselor. Now W is demanding D. I am not giving up yet but if it has to come to it, I will not willingly do it.
Good luck with your efforts.

I'm in the LB book heavily. Cannot believe all the things we've done wrong. Looks like me more than W. Some harsh realizations have occured while reading LBs. Nonetheless, lots of apologies, she does not care to hear them, but I am sincere. Was not aware of LBs until she brutally pointed them out with the announcement of wanting D.

Anyway, visited with pastor at our new church last night, went very well. Have appointment Tues night with Christian counselor and she said she'd go, even arranged soccer transport for kids. I keep hoping and praying that I have have not destroyed our relationship.

W has not been honest about how she felt (everything in LB book) and I have reacted in so many negative ways. I promised to try to change and seek IC if necessary, but I need her to be honest and tell me if I slip up. She said she would do that the last time we had couneling in Dec 05 but I don't remember her telling me anything...and she admits that she stopped trying to tell me even before counseling. Well, I'm listening loud and clear now. I have been trying to put into practice what I've been reading. This is going to be tough.

I'm encouraged that she has delayed her decision to move out until next month. The kids start school Aug 23 and I hope she will let them continue. My son is experiencing some very damaging thoughts. Says he wishes somebody would kill him and he does not care if he dies. Will be asking for counseling for him and whole family.

Told W last night that I don't know how she has kept up on all the things she does around house. I've been trying and cannot do it all. I got a sarcastic response. While hurtful, maybe I deserved it. Have changed my approach to any decision making. Asking her what she thinks and how we should accomplish it. I do value her input but she has always taken the attitude that she does not care and let me handle almost all details of life. I see now that this was not healthy for us.

Oh well. Thanks all for the input, I look forward to receiving others' advise.