I have been with my fiance for 11 months now, engaged for three. Our wedding date is planned for the end of March and yesterday, after an argument granted, he asked what I wanted. I responded with the fact that I want him, love him, and want to marry him. I also said that God never gives us anything we cannot handle and God is all anyone really needs to survive...so, can I live without him, Yes. Do I want to, No. I asked him what he wanted and with almost one whole minute of silence on the phone, he responded with an "I don't know, I am going to have to think about that". I talked to him today on the phone again because he had text messaged me that he is concerned for my heart and he does love me, he is just scared. I called him to let him know I got his message and to tell him that I was going to let him deal with the issues he is facing and give him space and not contact him whatsoever until he his ready to come to me with a decision. He resated that he does love me, he was just mad yesterday and he just needs some time to sort things out. I must mention that he broke things off in the very beginning of our relationship and wanted to be friends, so this is the second time he has flaked on me. And I am supposed to marry this man in seven months? Do I trust that he will meet me at the end of the aisle, or should I not take the chance of him not showing up again? We planned on seeing a counselor together, but my heart is broken into a thousand tiny pieces, and forgetting the silence on the phone after asking if he loved me and wanted to marry me will be hard to erase and forgive? I know that I have left out major details for the sake of space, but any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you!

Welcome. My first reaction is I wouldn’t be making any deposits for catering right now. That doesn’t mean you won’t end up marrying him. It just means your fiancé seems less than enthusiastic right now. The Policy of Joint Agreement states to never do anything your spouse is not enthusiastic about. It easily incorporates fiancés and significant others.

Also, you two have been dating less than a year. Right around the 9-12 month mark, people reach a comfort level where they aren’t always on their best behavior, trying super hard to make a good impression. Hidden idiosyncrasies come to light. Annoy habits surface. Flaws become glaringly obvious. At this point, many relationships flounder. Others weather the storm and are stronger for it.

Pre-marriage counseling still sounds like a good idea. I know you’re hurt now and don’t feel like being vulnerable, however, this will be good practice for marriage. In marriage, spouses accidentally hurt each other, and both need to remain open and vulnerable in spite of the pain. Besides in counseling, you can see if your fiancé’s fear is temporary, or is deeper.

Finally, I’m not sure it was a good idea to say you wouldn’t talk to him until he could give you an answer. While I’m sure you had the best intentions, it sounds like you were punishing him, and there was the veiled threat that if he didn’t give you the answer you wanted, you wouldn’t be speaking to him again.

Radical Honesty is essential. For us to expect radical honesty, we have to create an environment in which it is safe for our mates to share information. Saying we won’t talk to them until they come to a decision isn’t really creating a safe environment for sharing information about the factors playing into that decision.

One of the hardest parts of relationships is waiting. Sometimes we have to wait on our mate to take action, make a decision, reframe an issue, etc. But, by waiting we give the gift of time and self-hood to our beloved.