I don't know about
a "sinister view"

but I think you very much see things from your perspective which is fairly narrow as far as what it takes to survive RECOVERY

the recovery phase is far more complicated and daunting than the discovery/exposure/Plan A & B phases

recovery is harder

much harder

harder by miles

because one then must apply the marriage BUILDING tools

not just the affair-breaking tools

Do you see that?

Pep

MEDC, the idea of exposing can be a tough one for some... it was for me and I was the BS.

When you are right in the middle trying to make a decision, there are so many seemingly grey areas which distract you from the goal.

- how it will affect your own recovery
- how it will affect how people view your FWS and yourself
- how it will affect the OPS and any kids they have
- are you doing it for the right reasons (not being vindictive)
- I read a book which gave advice to "protect" your WS first... don't tell anyone. This was a different situation, though... no OPS to worry about.... but it still confused my thought pattern.
- The OM told me he would tell his W and I felt for the sake of their recovery this would be best... he didn't until I forced it.

There were several other factors and I would imagine there are many more when it is the FWS or WS who is trying to make this decision.

In the end, exposure is the best and right way. It took me several months to get to that point with constant guidance (nagging) from Mel and others... but I got there.

Hopefully 2B will get to this point as well... the sooner the better... but the stalling doesn't necessarily make this situation a sham or one with bad intentions. Once you expose you cannot take it back... and that can be a scary thought until you know absolutely it is right. Most on here do know this fact and it is obvious to them after... but when you are right in the middle of it, there are so many conflicting voices.

Shaden

I hear you both... and again... it is just my opinion... but I have gone back this morning and read her story and can tell you I am of the opinion that she has never intended to do the right thing here.
Call it a narrow view... I think it is more a matter of calling a duck a duck. I have a pretty good bullpuckey sense and it is beeping when I read this womans sitch. Again, I sincerely hope I am wrong. I would like nothing more than to see her do the right thing and I will salt and pepper my words and have them for dinner. Right now, I just do not see it.... and that is jmho based on my take of her words.
I have been wrong about people here before... we all have (heck I even saw a few people defend BO and CS!!!). But for me actions speak a lot louder than words... and right now I see no actions to make me change my mind.
Thanks for your view of my opinions.

I did not mean to imply that you generally have a narrow view (forgive me if that is what I seemed to imply)

what I am trying to convey is

recovery phase is different
and difficult

and tough love in an affair is a different flavor than tough love in recovery phase

I completely disregard the notion that a married person NEEDS their spouse's "enthusiastic agreement" to make reparations & amends dictated by their ~own~ conscience

the only POJA element would be HOW to make it happen ... not "should" it happen

if my H had a sore conscience & he wanted to correct a wrong HE had made, why would I think he shouldn't do it ... in some effective way?

makes no sense to me !! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I think it is close to abuse for one spouse to squash the conscience & recovery of the other spouse

if 2B's husband states 2B should not clear her own conscience I suspect some guile is afoot

Pep

MEDC

Let's just see what happends next ....

should be interesting, to say the least!

LOL

Pep

Pep,

You said:

"I think it is close to abuse for one spouse to squash the conscience & recovery of the other spouse."

I've been thinking about this quite a bit.

As you know, my H did not want me to tell OMW. He wanted OM to do it, and feels I made OM accountable when OM should have done it himself. He thinks I was trying to "help" OM.

Throughout our recovery, accountability has been very important to H. He was always very supportive of me, but made me accountable for all of my actions (such as, "I understand how hard that is KM, but I can't do that for you. YOU need to do that. YOU need to deal with it.")

H is also conflict-avoidant, and suffers from panic/anxiety disorder.

On Friday when H came back from work, I told him about the kudos I was getting here on MB. He knows this is my support group, and he's glad that I come here. He never asks about what I am posting and I never tell him what goes on here. But he understands and is supportive.

I was so happy about your sig line and the support I was getting here... I've been having a rough time and still struggle with my self-esteem... I told H about it. When I did, he started crying! He told me how proud he was of me and hugged me.

Ten minutes later, he went into the other room and had a full-blown panic attack. It's been quite a while since he's had one, and it really freaked him out. It also made me feel terribly guilty.

A part of me thinks H was trying to avoid his panic/anxiety when I wanted to inform OMW. He gets physically sick when it kicks in.

At the same time, I have wondered, "what is wrong with him? Why wouldn't he want me to do this? Why does he think this is another betrayal?"

It is confusing to me.

Anyway, I don't mean to threadjack, but your words have been rattling around in my head for the past couple of days. I agree with what your saying, and am struggling with it in my own M. H and I have talked about going back to MC for a couple of sessions, and I'm starting to think it's a good idea.

The ups and downs of recovery indeed... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

KM

What do you do for your H when he has a panic attack?

Pep

It depends on what is happening...

Sometimes, he gets physically sick. This is what happened on Friday. After he came out of the bathroom, we sat and talked. I held him and rubbed his back. Once he started feeling better, I asked him out on a date. We went out and had a nice time.

Sometimes, he cries uncontrollably. When that happens, we get in the bed together and I hold him and stroke his hair while he cries. We don't talk at all, although sometimes after he cries he will pour his heart out and we talk then.

Has he been traumatized?

Yes... he witnessed some family violence when he was little.

He also was fondled by an older boy when he was 12.

H often represses things, and they come out later. This worries me.

H has also not been completely open about his past. Last year, we were visiting his family and a man came over to visit my H. It turns out, he was one of my H's best friends when he was a teenager. H had never told me about this friend, because he got into a lot of trouble with him. He was actually ARRESTED with this person, and everyone in the family knew about it but me. I was very hurt. H never told me because he was ashamed and didn't want me to know that part about him.

H believes that the past shouldn't have to be revealed if it makes one uncomfortable. I found this out when we did the EN questionaire.

H told me about the fondling situation one night after I confessed the A. It was good, because he had repressed it for a long time. He was then able to work through it with his IC.

I know all of this repression isn't good for him, or us...

I can see why your ENs were available for another man to meet.

Does your H see this as well?

Pep

KM you said on another thread:



The above is NOT a truth for people who survived childhood trauma!

In their experience trust = pain

If you can imagine your H's difficulty with trust at a cellular level

NOW ~~~> think about his wife's betrayal and how that confirms his view that trust = pain

I would not ask your H to assume people have good intentions ... I would ask he give some people a chance to prove their intentions.

He's cut from different material KM

Pep

I know...

H is not trusting of people...

In fact, he prides himself on being a "cynical [email]b@#[censored]"..[/email]

This is okay, I understand that we are different in this regard...

Thanks Pep, I never connected his mistrust with the trauma... that helps quite a bit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Also...

Yes, he sees how my EN were available for another man to meet...

In fact, he's taken a little too much of that responsibility on his shoulders...

While his acknowledgement has helped our recovery, I worry it has hurt his personal recovery (taking too much of the blame.)

We are still working through it....

Thanks, Pep.

Gotta run... making a blueberry upside down cake for H (he just came in the room... "when are you starting the cake?!?" lol...)