I'm so hoping that this is REAL this time. 10 month affair seems to be over. Long story, but MC started last week. WH, myself and long-time family friend went out Friday night. I was as cold as ice. Held firmly to my beliefs and reiterated my boundaries. Friend acted as mediator when each one of us would head outside for a smoke break.

Yesterday, WH gave me a dozen roses with the most romantic card that I have ever received in 10 years! He has agreed to NC forever and is even thinking of changing his cell number. He said he hasn't contacted OW in a week, but she still tries to reach him. He ignores her calls and does not return text messages. He is willing to allow me free access to his cell - no hiding it anymore! He does not use a pc and is totally illiterate when it comes to emails and the internet.... THANK HEAVENS!

She has moved but we don't know her mailing address. NC letter has been written but not delivered yet. Working on how to get that to her right now.

WH wishes we started MC a long time ago! UGH!
He agress that we need to spend a minimum of 15 hours per week alone together, he is almost done with his ENs and LBs questionaires so we can do them soon.

He has expressed some recreational activities that he would like me to join him and, and even though I'm not overly enthusiastic about them, I'm going to give them a try.

It seems like this is a major turning point for us! Yesterday he met my EN of affection by hugging me and kissing me and just touching me for no reason throughout the day and I told him how wonderful that makes me feel and how it makes me want to do things to make him happy to, but I NEED THAT SURVEY!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I haven't been posting here very long but I have been reading this site and implementing the MB principles since I first discovered the infidelity 10 months ago.

Last night we went out to dinner as a family and he was nothing like he used to be. Kids would always drive him crazy by not sitting still and fidgetting, but he was happy and completely unannoyed. We held hands under the table and stroked each others knees like we were kids again!

Wish me hope and strenght to get through this next phase of recovery!

Wooo Hoooo! Congratulations! I wonder what made him wake up.

From the gist of our recent conversations it sounds like this OW is Glenn Close from 'Fatal Attraction!' This is his 3rd 'recommittment' to our M so I am hoping 3rd times a charm. Only difference this time is his agreement to NC, MC and making our marriage better than it was before.

I honestly think that my self improvement and my changes have opened his eyes a lot. In the beginning, I did the needy, clingy, begging that most BWs do and that pushed him further away. I did the infidelity diet, which was good for me as I needed to lose weight! Started working out, buying nice clothes, got my hair & nails done, staring wearing makeup, going out with the girls, taking some night classes and also became very cold hearted towards him! This I think was the key. He always knew that I would always take him back but recently I was able to tell him that I am ready to move on and be a better person with whomever I end up with, that I'll be a lucky catch for the right guy that can appreciate me for who I am and that I will always hold love for my WH as we spent 21 years together and he will always be the father of my 2 daughters. MY PLAN A was to end in October of this year and I had my Plan B ready to go - without his knowledge of course!

I have always given my husband support and admiration and totaly honesty, yet I suffered from deep depression that went unnoticed for many years. I withdrew from him and sank my life into my 2 kids, I even ignored my own needs. We drew apart and I resented that I had to be both mom & dad and he resented my accusations. It became a blame game and very bad cycle for us. We pushed each other further snd further away. Last Oct, this OW was with the 2 of us when friends were in a serious motorcycle accident and she pulled my WH aside and said to him. "I'm sensing a distance between you & your wife, if you ever want to talk here's my number." And that was the beginning!

She found his weakness and slid right in. Her downfall is she likes to live the life of a millionaire as she has always been a nanny to rich people and my DH is an electrician. We do just fine but we are FAR from rich! She hates that he hunts, hates that he rides a Harley, and HATES that he has tattoos. Over time she has been trying to change him, and initially he went along with it. Friends and family noticed his changes and commented on how he looked so unhappy, was changing and looked overall badly. Once I got my depression under semi-control (I still take meds), I saw signs of depression in my WH and was finally able to convince him to see the doc. He was diagnosed and put on meds and into IC. I think these 2 things have helped him to clear his head and see that he was running from his unhappiness within and trying to find happiness elsewhere.

At least that's my take on things!

Wow, scampi - sounds promising!

Disclaimer: I never made it this far, so anything I say is based on third party learning and observation rather than on direct experience.

My top recommendation: get a consult with one of the MB counselors.

Other than that, I suggest you ease into HN/HN and maybe Fall in Love, Stay in Love. There's a lot of overlap in those books - they emphasize the love bank concept.

Adopt the attitude that you're starting a new marriage - the old one failed, but you've been given the opportunity to learn from your mistakes ans start over.

JMHO

WAT

Hi! I'm in the same boat as you so I have no advice. I'm just really happy for you! I posted a very similar thing right before you so I was intrigued. Reading your post felt like reading my own. Keep up the good work! It feels good doesn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am so pleased for you - in a similar timeline and you have played a blinder - it makes me fell very happy that you Plan A/B has worked so positively. Glad that you have invested time in YOU too

Scampi,

Your account of your H's actions sound good. He is still an Xws but moving quickly in the direction of your H. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Keep the momentum going by getting a recovery plan in place. Call Steve H @ MB. His input and ability to work with recoverying Xws is good. Phone counseling c/b done in the convenience of your own home.

Don't move in your stance. U and your family are worth it.

U R definitely at a turning point. Be prepared for some backslide.

Definitely good news here.....thanks for posting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Thanks everyone! I'm feeling very good about everything. Cautious still, but good. XWH and I sent a NC letter yesterday and he CHANGED HIS CELL NUMBER!!!! (It really feels nice to type the letter 'X' now.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I was shocked! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I never expected him to do that! It was his decision and he said that this was only way he could ensure that she never reach him.

We are in MC with a pro-M councellor that is familiar with the MB principles, and I am very grateful for that! I've read all of the books and have been making many, MANY love bank deposits, and he is now too.

We talk all of the time. Like we used to. I've warned him that he will feel withdrawals and he needs to have someone like an AA sponsor to reach out to if he feels the need to contact her. He asked me to be his sponsor! I told him that he may sometimes feel conflicted using me so he can also use his best friend. We called him and told him of the current sitch and he's going to help XWH also.

I feel like the mothership kicked my XWH right out of the door and dropped him in the living room! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

The aliens seem to do that when they (WSs) are no longer useful lab rats.

WAT

Oh WAT..... you truely make me laugh and that laughter has keep me sane through my journey! I can't thank you enough! I owe you more than I can ever repay you! Your moral support, advice and guidance has been priceless!

This site has been my saving grace! I've been reading here for 10 months, but posting for a very short time. Studying all that I needed to do for my Plan A and preparing for a Plan B. Fortunately I never had to go to Plan B. XWH is aware that if contact resumes he is OUTTA HERE! That is my Plan B.

I took these past months to change myself into a better person for ME, with the hope that WH would notice and appreciate what he would be losing, and I really think he sees that now. This is based upon his actions and words now.

If I had never been diagnosed with GAD (general anxiety disorder) and depression, I would have never seen the signs in my XWH. Fortunately our PCP listened to me and helped me to get my XWH the help he needed to be diagnosed himself and get on meds too.

Depression is a terrible disease and one who has never been through it can not fathom what it feels like, and it's hard to see the signs of someone else suffering from it too.

Mind you, our depression started before the A..... it was NOT a result OF the A! It was other family circumstances that caused it. I feel his A came about due to this. I wish we were able to catch our illnesses earlier, as it may have been possible to not be in the mess we are, but you know the old saying.... "Hindsight...."

As angry and hurt as I was at my WH while he was cake eating in his A, I continued to apply the MB principles and make numerous Love bank deposits, no DJs, no AOs. It was really hard!!!!! Hid my tears in the bathroom and cried into my pillow. Let out my rage where no one could hear me. More recently, my heart hardened and my doormat personality slowly withered away. WH saw these changes and saw that I was turning back into the strong, independent woman that he fell in love with years ago.

To anyone else out there that is a BS, truely take the advice here to WORK ON YOURSELF!!!!! I never doubted that my H still loved me and I never lost my love for him.

I think the real turning point came during our MC session last week when the MC asked me if I wanted to safe my marriage and I said 'NO!" That shocked my H and the MC too! He asked me to explain. I said that my M was damaged and I never wanted THAT M back again. I wanted a totally NEW M or the one that we had 10 years ago. Start over fresh, a new beginning, but not the current M.

I think my H was scared that if we were to work on the M, it would fall right back into the same old mess we had for the past 8-10 years. I also stated that I was ok of the M did not make it. I stated that I had hardened my heart and felt confident that I could survive no matter what the outcome was.

I had become codependent on my H and that was not the true me.

The true me is back in full force and ready for whatever path I must travel. I will be blessed to travel that path with my H and daughters in a new and better M, but if it becomes a path of just myself and kids, I'll be just fine.

Im in a happy place internally now and it feels really good.

Hopefully I can move now to the 'recovery' forum and progress there.

I wish I had the time to post moral support and guidance to others that are suffering, but my job and family just don't allow me the time to get online that often.

Anyone is always welcome to email or PM me and I will always respond to you.

Thanks again to Steve Harley for creating these wonderful MB principles, the books, the forums...... everything! And I thank our MC for knowing these principles and using them in our own MC sessions!

NC is still in place - only 6 days, but it's a start. Found out today that XOW has been trying to get XWH's new cell number! We've only given it to a select group of people that we trust will not disclose it to her.

XWH still hasn't done the questionaires but keeps saying he will.

XWH & I both had our individual MC sessions this week. Next week we resume meeting with him as a couple. We both like him and think he will really help us.

XWH is definitely coming out of his fog. Friends and family are noticing it too! He talks to me sometimes about XOW and his tone has completely turned to negative about her! How she used him, took advantage of him, tried to change him into a different person. They used to argue and fight all of the time. I sit and listen, smile and nod. I've allowed him to feel safe talking to me and he has noticed. He said that it's nice that we can just chat about anything like we used to! I said... I feel the same way!

He doesn't seem to be going through withdrawal like I had expected. I wonder if things got so bad near the end that he started withdrawing prior to committing to me and doing the NC?

He gets agitated when I talk about my feelings, however. This bothers me and I told the MC. He said we'll address it during sessions as that will be a safe place to open up and mt XWH won't feel like I'm attacking him.

Last night when we went to bed, I almost started to cry. XWH didn't know but asked me what was on my mind. I said that I just want to feel safe again. I miss the safe feeling I used to have and want that back. I need more hugs and cuddling - affection, reaffirmation I guess, but I know I can't push that on him. He's never been that way, but I REALLY need that now from him. If I initiate it he will hold and cuddle me, but I want to stop initiating. I want him to freely give it to me without asking, and yes I have said this to him. He said he'll try.

Guess my wicked roller coaster ride has slowed down and now I'm riding the ferris wheel.

Good girl.

As you know, I have NO direct experience with marital recovery. But your pieces seem to be falling into place. Be patient.


How do you know this? Does your H know she's trying?

Assuming he does know, use this knowledge as another example of how nutso she is. The aliens haven't released her yet.

Did you guys send a NC letter?

WAT

Patience is my middle name these days! UGH!

We are close friends with the XOW's father and they are estranged, fortunately for us! He told my H that she had called looking for my XWH's new cell num. He told her to go F### herself and that my H was back with his wife & kids and wanted nothing more to do with her forever!

My XWH told me this today, and her father also told me the same story today.

My XWH was the first to say that she's a nutcase and just won't let it go.

And yes, NC letter was sent to her last week the same day that his cell number was changed!

Wow, a father who isn't afraid to deal with his own child the right way.

Ask him if I can buy him a beer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Recovery is hard - I hear.

Please consider consulting one of the MB counselors.

This sounds very promising. When the XOP is seen as a nutter by the XWS it's a good sign. Kinda obvious, huh?

WAT

WAT, we have been EXTREMELY fortunate to have her father as a close friend! Unfortunately you'll have to buy him a diet Pepsi as he is diabetic! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> He initially stayed out of this whole mess because he didn't want to be caught in the middle. Once my H told him it was over, our friend said, "Thanks for telling me that you've come to your senses and I'll be behind you and YOUR family 100%!"

It really warms my heart to hear my H speak negatively about her. Those are the conversations that I let him ramble on, and on, and, on, and...... You get the picture! And XWH hears constantly from her father what a loser she is, how she preys upon men for $, and get this....... The XOW even lied to my H!!! HOW DARE SHE????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> LOL

XWH found out that he was the 3rd married man she had been with! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> No big surprise to me here! I told him this months ago, but his fog was too thick to hear what I was saying.

Lexapro is an amazing antidepressant drug. It takes about 4 weeks to really start working, but it really does lift the fog well! And it has virtually no sexual side-effects! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Who's on the lexapro - you, your H, both?

So, whadoyathink about consulting with an MB counselor?

I don't get a kickback, by the way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT