Just sent this to WH...it is pretty self explanatory...but to give it some context...have been in a totally dark plan b since xmas and is obvious from the letter, his contact with the kids has been almost non existent. THey visited him for 2 weeks over the summer...but other than that has spoken to them maybe a total of 10-15 times over the past year.

I tried not to DJ...but does anyone see any obvious ones?

First, just as a reminder, please send me copy of whatever documentation you send to the IRS. I am assuming you received the things I sent you.

Secondly, DD told me tonight that while they were in VA ,<his niece and nephew> took them to see OW in VA Beach. I am disappointed that your family could not respect my wishes on that.

I have caught DD drinking twice in the past month. I am at a loss to what to do. Grounding her is my only option, but there is only so much I can do to enforce that while I am at work. I would appreciate you calling her and telling her you support me in that. At this point she pretty much hates me and is generally miserable, but says she does not want to leave. More effort on your part to be a regular part of their lives would help both of them. I realize that you have a busy job and responsibilities to your family, but they both are really feeling the lack of your involvement in their lives. I understand your decision to move to VA but do not believe it is fair to the kids or to me for you to place the burden of your involvement on them...or on me. It should not be either mine or their responsibilty to take the initiative when it comes to you being a part of their lives.

My heart is breaking over how unhappy they are, especially DD...EDS doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve quite as much so it is harder to tell with him. He seems better than he did this time last year, though and has a better attitude toward school. I am seriously thinking about some family counseling. This cannot continue, but the kids, mostly DD, seem to have directed all their anger, disappointment, blame and frustration toward me and are unwilling to let me help them thru their feelings. I am sure they will be reluctant. I would appreciate your supporting me in that. It would make it much easier if they understand they you also think that some counseling will benefit. Both have told me directly that they no longer believe in God. I cannot tell you how deeply that cuts me. I just don't know how to explain how it makes me feel to see all the changes the kids have gone thru since you left. I know that much of it is just regular teenage stuff, but EDD has turned almost into a completely different person and I am so worried. Nothing really major that I know of, at least not yet...but I see such a change in her attitude and the way she views the world that it scares me.

I continue to pray for you and for your peace and remain ready to do whatever is necessary to put this family back together should you decide to end your relationship with OW

I do not require a response to this, but if you feel it is necessary, please respond thru <intermediary>. I will have her check the email account.

I have no clue how or even if he will respond.

The situation explained here is quite common. I was in a similar situation, my exH at the time WH was having his affair and enjoying all the amenities of the affair. My oldest son got into a physical fight with his father and my oldest daughter was angry. I have 4 adult children. The oldest took her anger out at me, critizing me whenever possible, called me every name in the book, and I wanted her out of the house as soon as possible. She would talk to her father, and he would tell her that she didn't have to leave. She would tell her father that I was being unfair, etc, etc. He of course would say you don't have to do anything there, you don't have to listen to your mother, etc. etc. She moved out finally, the ex moved to another state partime and she moved there. The relationship between her and I are moving in the right direction slowly. She has a lot of influence by her father, which he now lives in another state very far from her. The Wayward spouse has a lot of influence on their children. For the children see their father leaving them, see their father as someone else, and then see me as the one that is here, not leaving not having a midlife crisis, etc. My oldest son got on me somewhat at that time, but now he sees me as mom.

This is a very painful time and it will leave scars. I have given most of it up....but there is still pain and when I talk to my oldest I am guarded still. I don't reveal much to her....just my schooling and the pets and family here. I ask very simple questions. I don't talk about money, which her father is helping her way beyond normal. She is 28 and doesn't work, but has horses and it is a long story.

To expect any outcome that you think will happen from this letter, don't expect anything. Actually expect the worst, then if things turn out good that is just so much to look forward to.

Take care....and keep posting....many here can help you.

Dear Peachblossom,

Your WH doesn't seem to be very "hot" on responsibilities etc. and very much into his "own stuff". A father that doesn't bother to see his kids except for a 2-week holiday in 7 months ?!? Sounds pretty foggy and selfish to me.

What you ask of him is nothing extraordinary - for a H and a father. Hardly a DJ. But I'm afraid it's just not going to jolt him into "reasonable" mode, unless he had almost reached that point himself by now.

Your letter is basically all about you asking him to take some responsibility, while he seems determined NOT to care about such things. He can write it off as "normal puberal stuff". Maybe give you a phone call or send an e-mail to ease his mind, then go back to his WH-business.

What makes you turn to him at this point?
Is there no other father figure in your family that can help you with this?

I can imagine it very hard on you to be on your own now when puberty hits (hard).
Please try and find some kind help from someone your kids trust - an aunt maybe, or a friend?

(((Peachblossom)))
Hang in there.

Thnaks for your responses.

I don't think that he is deliberately trying to turn the kinds against me. It is just easier for them to blame and be angry at me than it is to admit that their father just doesn't care enough to make effort. It is my fault there father doesn't call them because I don't make him.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
I think kids have a fog of their own.

My dad has been pretty good about taking up some slack as far as a father figure, but he is in his 70's and not in good health at the present time.

I am just so tired of all of WH's [email]cr@p[/email] flowing onto me.

I think it is a good idea to share (with the other parent) what each child is doing to cope with the rotten loss that has been forced upon them

There were a few JDs (mild) ... but SO WHAT !

I would not hold my breath if I were you. People who have their heads up their butts are hard of hearing. But you never know, this could be the first thing to get him "un plugged"

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Well...I really had a good talk with the kids. There has been alot of conflict over my not allowing them to spend time with H & OW in VA (that is 800 miles from here btw...) but I pointed out to them that he has only asked for them to visit once...they have have never asked on their own.

I also pointed out that it wouldn't be a issue if he would just get on with the divorce that he says he wants. It became a real point of discussion...finally by DD called him and asked him point blank (he was on speaker phone)and he told her it was because I was asking for more money than he could pay.

Flat out lie and I showed the kids the mediation paperwork that I had only requested that support payments that he has been making for the past year and half remain the same and that the kids and I stay in the house until DD is 18 (a little over 3 years)...then we sell and split the profits. He also told her that we had to go thru a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo first...also a flat out lie. We were only required one session of mediation, after which he could request a court date anytime he wanted. In fact we had a docket call in March for the exact purpose. His atty asked for a extra time for more mediation but he never scheduled any.

What the heck is he doing? He has been gone over 2 years and living with OW for over a year..btw.

***What the heck is he doing? He has been gone over 2 years and living with OW for over a year..btw.***

He's keeping you dangling and feeding his ego by having two women in his life. That's what he's doing. Sure, you may be "dark" in Plan B, but you are still married to him and therefore still dangling in case it doesn't work out with the homewrecker and he feels like coming back.

It's one big ego-stroking power trip for him.

I'll bet he tells OW that *you* are the one holding up the divorce. Wanna bet she doesn't know *he's* the one dragging his feet?
Mulan

No...I don't bet on losers. But I do think the kids saw thru it when I showed them the black and white proof he was flat out lying.


I have an appt with atty tomorrow am. I am thinking about requesting a court order for no out of state visitation until D is final. I cannot in good conscience allow my kids to be around H and OW unless it is and obviously cannot trust him to abide by any agreement...but also cannot in good conscience be the one to finalize it. If he fights it, then I suspect the first thing a judge would say is "Let's get this over with"...then we will really see how bad he really wants one. I am prepared either way.....