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McBecca Offline OP
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Has anyone had any experience with a spouse who wants to raise a child knowing the baby is not his (dna test)? To make a long story short, I had an affair during the time my husband and I were separated (physically). We decided to work things out, I told him about the affair, the affair ended. I found out I was pregnant and now that the baby is here and a dna test later (at the other man's request) we find out the baby is not my husband's.

The baby's biological father wants to in her life but my husband does not want him in her life. I don't know what to do as I still have feelings for this man and I do want him in her life. My husband and I have two other daughters (12 and 4) and we have to consinder them as well.

We live in another state now so visitation etc would be limited but my husband still does not want him in her life. At what point do I just agree with him and let him raise her as his? I am not sure how much further the other man will purse this but he does want to be in her life very much as of right now.

Any advise? suggestions? etc
Thanks so much,
Becca


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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The baby's biological father wants to in her life but my husband does not want him in her life. I don't know what to do as I still have feelings for this man and I do want him in her life. My husband and I have two other daughters (12 and 4) and we have to consinder them as well.
Becca, welcome to MB. At the top of this forum is a welcome thread. Make sure you click on it and read through it. You also should read through the MB site not just the message boards to become familiar with Dr. Harley's basic concepts.

Now, the part I quoted above and especially the part I put in bold, is a huge sign that you are not yet fully committed to your husband and marriage. How long has the A been over? Are you still in C (contact) with the OM (other man)? Before you and your H can make a decision about the child, you really need to fully commit to NC (no contact ever again) with the OM. He is an addiction, every bit of contact keeps your feelings for him active and keeps you from giving that energy to your H (husband) and your M(marriage).

Next, if you decide to raise the OC (other child) as a COM (child of the marriage) you need to check your state laws. In many states if the child is conceived and born during the marriage the husband is legally the father. Did your H sign the BC?

Keep reading and posting. We have a couple of wonderful ladies that have been in your shoes. Hopefully they will be along to give you their sage advice.


Faith

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Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately I am going through all types of emotions right now since we found out the test results. The OM does want to be involved in the baby's life. This is hist first child.

During my pregnancy he kept in touch with me, he saw the ultrasound pictures, wanted to know how I was feeling etc. At that point I was convinced the baby was not his but I went along.

My husband and I moved to another state due to his job and frankly, part of the reason was to work on our marriage away from the OM and to give us a fresh start.

Now that the baby is here, I don't see how I can work on my marriage when this child reminds me of the OM every day. How do I do that?? and if I feel this way how can my H get over this ever? he says he has already and he just wants to raise my daughter as if she was ours. He never wants her to know about her biological father.

We met with an attorney already, we know in our state my H is the legal father and the OM has 4 years to purse the issue any further.

I am so conflicted right now, I guess I wanted to hear stories similar to mine and what the end result was. Will my marriage survive something like this? How do I devote myself again to my H when I have this child who is a daily reminder of the OM??

So many questions.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thanks again,
Becca


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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Yes, honey your marriage CAN survive this but you have to get the OM out of your head. Click on this link
recovery guide for wayward wives It is a wonderful thread by a FWW named Dorry. I am a FWW as well although the OC in my life is my husbands. Yes we both have had affairs and we are in early recovery.

I will try to call out the ladies that post here that have been the WW with an OC. You can do this.


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Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately I am going through all types of emotions right now since we found out the test results. The OM does want to be involved in the baby's life. This is hist first child.

During my pregnancy he kept in touch with me, he saw the ultrasound pictures, wanted to know how I was feeling etc. At that point I was convinced the baby was not his but I went along.

My husband and I moved to another state due to his job and frankly, part of the reason was to work on our marriage away from the OM and to give us a fresh start.

Now that the baby is here, I don't see how I can work on my marriage when this child reminds me of the OM every day. How do I do that?? and if I feel this way how can my H get over this ever? he says he has already and he just wants to raise my daughter as if she was ours. He never wants her to know about her biological father.

We met with an attorney already, we know in our state my H is the legal father and the OM has 4 years to purse the issue any further.

I am so conflicted right now, I guess I wanted to hear stories similar to mine and what the end result was. Will my marriage survive something like this? How do I devote myself again to my H when I have this child who is a daily reminder of the OM??

So many questions.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thanks again,
Becca

Ok, this is the third time I'm going to attempt replying to you. My other two were quite harsh, but I think that's mostly due to me PMSing right now. Been snapping at the kids all morning as well. Ok, here's my take on this. You need to make up your mind if you want your M to work. That's the beginning of a long road for you. Your 'fresh start' never even got off the ground with the OM still contacting you. The first thing you need to do if you want to save your M is to write a NO CONTACT letter and send it to the OM. The only reason this child is a daily reminder is because you are letting her make you feel that way. How much time do you get to spend alone with your H? How much time does your H spend with the baby? I was lucky in that the xom in our situation turned way whacko and I had NO feelings other than fear left for him. You need to make yourself think more about your H and less about om. Spend as much time with your H as you can. Talk about your future together. When thoughts of the om come to mind, think of something you've recently done with your H that you really enjoyed doing. Consciencely force yourself to put your H in your mind FIRST AND FOREMOST. Soon those feelings will fade as the fog lifts.

If the om wishes to pursue the issue, then let him, but you need to decide NOW if you want to save your M, and then you need to do everything possible to do so. I think that you really do love your H and want your M to work, but you are still in an EA(Emotional Affair) with the om due to the continued contact. If it comes to it, hire that attorney that you spoke to and have them send a no contact letter to the om stating that any further contact will be made through them. You don't owe the om ANYTHING, but you do owe your H EVERYTHING. Stop the fence sitting and make your choice.

Read as much as you can on this site. Come and post here as often as you can. I promise that I will be a bit better once I stop PMSing. Read, post, ask questions, DON'T GIVE UP!!!! It is possible, and I'm living proof of that.


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
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Welcome (((((((McB)))))),

First of all, please read up on the things FF pointed out. It will help tremendously.

Are you still in any kind of C with the XOM? If so, you need to end any and all C. Besides the obvious reasons why it's not good to have C with him, it's absolutely imperative to have this time alone with your H to come to a decision regarding your OC as a couple. Please also read up on POJA, (policy of joint agreement), to help you with this decision making process. IF you and your H come to the conclusion that you do indeed want to include the xOM in the life of your OC, then you will have to C him, but until that time, please stay completely NC. There is also some reading on this site, that explains the best way to implement NC, (via a letter), but look for the specifics by first going to the links provided at the top of the main page like FF pointed out.

Whatever you do, PLEASE, PLEASE do NOT base a decision for C between xOM and OC on your feelings for xOM, as that will only spell disaster, imo.

If you and your H decide you do NOT want your xOM to have C with your OC, there is no reason for any further C with him EVER. That's because the law is on your side, and IF he wants to pursue C with your OC... let him try by going through legal channels ON HIS OWN.

I want to touch a little more on you having NC with your xOM... McB, a major part of what you're going through right now, and much of why you're feeling so conflicted is because you still have feelings for xOM.

I guaratee the more and more NC you have with him, the more you will be able to detach from him. And the more you're able to detach from him, the more clearly you'll be able to think. Not to mention, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, the more you'll be able to focus on your M and all of your children.


You'll go through withdrawal, but again it will get easier and easier with time, EVEN with seeing the baby's face. I totally understand... it *is* harder with a baby to you remind you, but trust me honey... I've been there. I still face this, but it DOES get better, and easier. Especially when you see your H with your child, and as their relationship blossoms. When you are so completely blown away by your H's love for your OC. It becomes so completely natural... so completely right. And that is a big part of what helps in devoting yourself to your H again. It sure did for me. How can you NOT fall in love with such a man as that?

I bet you can guess my advice on the subject, huh? While this is up to you and your H to decide, I will share my thoughts because I feel pretty strongly on this subject. Besides, you did ask to hear similar stories to yours, and their end result.

I admit I'm biased on the topic, but with good reason. Our decision for NC between OC and xOM works, and works really well. Three years out, and we, (H, OC, COM, and myself), live a very peaceful, drama free life. Our M has recovered. OC is a happy and very much loved child.

Please understand, I'm not knocking those who choose the route of C between xOM and OC. I have a few friends on these boards who did indeed choose the C path, and in fact, their M's are still intact, OC is also happy and very much loved.

I have to admit though, *I* think that's a harder, more stressful path for most of the parties involved. Perhaps not for the people I'm referring to, BUT for my family, (OC included),I think C would be harder.

I know it could work... we'd MAKE it work, if that's what we had decided, but for us, and I'm talking everyone in our family, (because there are more people than just the OC to consider), I firmly believe NC was the best decision.

But, there's LOTS to consider, and our decision for NC also has a few negatives that the C route does not have. Namely... when and if to ever tell the OC, and others. That part of C I envy... it's always out in the open when you choose to have C. We realize we're also taking the chance our OC may hate us or resent us someday for not letting him have his bio-father in his life, but it's a chance we're willing to take, for him, and all of us to have our family be as it has always been. You see, my H and I have decided that the positives of NC outweigh the drawbacks of NC, and we will address the issues that NC may cause, as they come up.

I should say here though, in our situation... my xOM was willing to go along with what ever decision I made. He told me he'd be around if I wanted, he'd stay away if I wanted, he wouldn't balk if I had an abortion, etc, etc. So, when I said I was going to try and work it out with H, and raise the baby as our own, he was ok with it. In fact, looking back... I think he was more than ok with it. I think it was a major relief to him... almost like he was holding his breath, hoping that was my decision, lol. To this day, I have no idea if he even believed I was P, or if he ever somehow found out I did have a baby. He was a single guy, and I think he just wanted to move on with no strings. I was very fortunate in that it worked to our advantage.

My H and I never did do DNA, and at this point, never plan to do it. There is a teeny chance OC might not even be an OC, but if looks speak for anything, there is NO chance H is the bio.

I will end with this... It may seem cliche'-ish, but it is oh so true...

"LOVE KNOWS NO DNA"

My H and child are beautiful proof of this.

H even calls OC his little blessing, (he says OC is what brought us back together... imagine that, hey?)

I wish you well in your decision making.

~ad

PS. I'm going to bump a thread for you. The subject line is, "Cali~ To answer your questions on Blue's Help thread". I began the thread ahile bac to answer Cali's question on why I would think it's best for the OC to exlude the bio-father from his life. It may help you.

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McBecca Offline OP
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I feel like I am the first woman on earth in this situation but coming here i feel so much better and realize there is hope out there.

More on my situation. H and I have been married 16 yrs, two daughters 12 and 4. Last year we were ready to get a divorce. There were so many issues in our marriage, communication, emotional abuse, etc we got married very young (I was 20 he was 21) so we both thought perhaps it was time to move on.

I met XOM (learning the abbreviations here!) at work, single guy, said and did all the right things. Before I knew it I was falling for him. H started to ask questions about my friendship with XOM as I was very open talking about him all the time. I finally told him that yes indeed I had feelings for him and all. H actually seemed ok with it at first thinking that perhaps this would be his own way out of our marriage. We chose counseling so we can divorce "peacefull" (haha!) and during counseling H realized not only he wanted to still work in our marriage but he also learned a lot of his mistakes and the reasons why I had been feeling lost and abandoned in our marriage for years (counselors words not mine!).

It took me about 1 month to agree to work in our marriage, I wasn't certain this is what I wanted to do, I was very much in love with XOM and ready to begin that relationship fully.

During that month of me going back and forth, and in many attempts to say good bye, I was intimate with XOM and 5 days later with H. I became pg. I had no doubts it was H's child as I was with him closer to the time of ovulation etc. I even asked me dr. she agreed. No need for an amnio later on also meant a dna test could not be done until after the birth of the baby. During my pg XOM and I continue to have C and that was probably not the best idea based on what everyone says here. My feelings never had a chance. I told him for this baby's sake I was going to stay married to H and I was going work things out but it never hapenned as the C continued.

When I finally moved here I went throuhg what you guys say is "withdrawl" for the first two weeks and then we had C again (email/calls) and that's when I realized myself I was nowhere close to ever being happy in my marriage. The baby was born, and a DNA test later she is dfenitely XOM. I say XOM now because as of a week ago he said he was walking away IF that is what I wanted him to do. He of course does not want to spend the rest of his life battling the courts knowing very well his chances of having his daughter are small (he lives in another state).

My concerns are with how do I explain this to the C later? Will she resent me? will she hate both H and I for keeping her from him? XOM did get to meet her and fell madly in love with her which I think is what makes it even more difficult for me.

It has now been 1 entire week with NC and yes, every day gets better but I still feel so unsure as to what I want. How much longer so I can get out of this "fog" you guys call? weeks? mmonths? I still have no desire of intimacy with H, will that ever happen again?

Also, whatever happens if H and I divorce later on down the road? my OC will still have a father out there somewhere, is it fair for her not to know him considering my rocky marriage?

Gosh, I know a lot of these questions may not have answers... I just wish I knew what to do right now. THis not knowing is worse.. the doubts, the uncertainty.

Thanks everyone,
McB


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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First, you weren't that far into your decision to fix your M before you learned you were P, and now that you've found out that the baby is not your H's you are suddenly calling it rocky and talking divorce again? How much have you put into your M since you reconciled? One week of NC, while good, is not enough for you to be deciding if you want to stay in your M or not. I think that one of the things that sickens me the most about today's view on M is that it is "only a piece of paper" that you can just throw away when someone makes you angry. You were in counseling with H and found that you still wanted to be M'd to him. That's why you moved with him to another state, yet seemed to have no problem allowing the om access to you still. Where was that ok in the vows you took 16 years ago?

I say that you need to give it MORE time and try your hardest to reignite your love for your H. Think back to when you were dating and first M'd. Why did you marry him in the first place? This man obviously loves you enough to love this little baby as his own and you are questioning whether you want to stay with him? When I was P, I was willing to do ANYTHING to repair the damage I had done to my M! Yes, we even talked adoption, even though we had gone through that once before we were M'd! I was willing to go to the ends of the earth for my H. It was his choice what we would do in this situation, and I agreed to it. Are you willing to throw away 16 years with your H away for a man that you've known how long?

The more you dwell on the om the longer it takes for that fog to lift. The more you second guess anything in your M, the more you question if it's what you really want. You need to get back into counseling and actually keep that promise of wanting to work on your M. You have yet to do that. You've gone a week with NC and have survived just fine, keep it up. Come here to vent to us other WW's so we can keep you on track with totally detatching from the om. You don't need to worry about anything in the future as far as how your DD will react years from now. What you need to do now is make up your mind as to WHAT you want to do and stick to it. As I said before, you sound like you do want your M to work, so give it a chance. All this child is worried about right now is when she gets her next meal and getting her diaper changed. You take care of today and let tomorrow worry about itself.

When we were in the first stages of recovery, we had a motto on our computer. It was: TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF OUR LIVES!!!! Meaning, each day is a new beginning and what lies ahead is the rest of our lives. You can choose each day to begin it with love for your H if not in your heart yet, at least in your head, right? As for the intimacy, that will come in time. Stop worrying about everything else and take steps to fix the damage you have added to your already rocky M. You can survive it if you choose.


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
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You asked for opinions, right? Here's mine:

Cut OM out and let your DH raise child as his own. I know those who have done this successfully, and frankly it is better for the child--1 house, 1 family, no confusion, repair marriage with NO interference and contact w/XOM! SIMPLE.

Look at it from your H's perspective---why would he want you OR himself to remain in contact XOM for the rest of his life?!?!

That's what shared visitation is--you NEVER 'get rid of' OP and all the lies and pain they represent. You sound like a wandering spouse that is not yet over the OM---all the more reason to avoid him!! WHY would you be willing to send your DD long distances if you could avoid it?

Turn your heart back to this man who is willing to consider forgiving you and raising this child that you brought--that's huge.

Don't base your decision on "IF" you divorce! Fake it (marital togetherness) 'til you make it. And if the "if" ever happens, you can re-visit the idea then--people aren't hard to find. Meanwhile, do what's best for your marriage and your child. You can't erase your original mistake, but a loving family will forgive you if you make a clean break and repair things. It will be okay.

Best wishes,
J
married 19y
3 COM
7yo OC, visitation

Last edited by Jenny; 08/14/06 05:51 PM.

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McB,

I have never been in your situation or your H's situation, but somethings you have said prompted me to post to you. It occurs to me you are NOT looking at the whole picture. Permit me to quote a few things you said.

You made comment that xOM was madly in love with the baby. But, what of your H. He accepts this child, but more importantly he was very like and is very likely madly inlove with the children you have together. Are they to lose their father (a real chance if you bring OM into the picture) so that the littest one might have a bio father?

You also said
Quote
My concerns are with how do I explain this to the C later? Will she resent me? will she hate both H and I for keeping her from him? XOM did get to meet her and fell madly in love with her which I think is what makes it even more difficult for me.

It has now been 1 entire week with NC and yes, every day gets better but I still feel so unsure as to what I want. How much longer so I can get out of this "fog" you guys call? weeks? mmonths? I still have no desire of intimacy with H, will that ever happen again?

Also, whatever happens if H and I divorce later on down the road? my OC will still have a father out there somewhere, is it fair for her not to know him considering my rocky marriage?

Gosh, I know a lot of these questions may not have answers... I just wish I knew what to do right now. THis not knowing is worse.. the doubts, the uncertainty

What do you think your OC will say when she finds out she could have grown up with siblings and was denied this as they (the siblings) are now being shuffled back and forth between what may become your exH and you?

You are looking at this from the point of view of someone still IN AN AFFAIR. You are not seeing the consequences of continuing contact on your other children, the father of the other children, nor you H.

I will tell you this. A man that will sleep with a married woman is not representing the morals your children should be immulating. A man that will sleep with a married woman is NOT a good candidate for marriage.

If the man is NOT a good candidate for marriage, then really he has no business in your life or tearing apart your family.

I have not stated this very clearly as I am being interrupted here at work, but you need to step back and look at the whole picture, and that includes that your H is willing and able to be a good father to this child and to your Other children. Inspite all you have done, he is still there haning in with you. If I had asked if he would have done these things say a year or so ago, what would your answer have been??? He has been living with this and the uncertainty caused by your affair for about a year now right?

You need to see the whole thing. And that includes seeing what your H is doing. If ever he had a chance to divorce and obtain a good settlement it is RIGHT NOW and yet??? He is not is he?

Give this time, listen carefully to Tigger and AD. They can really really help you, but most of all step back and see the large picture and then decide who you are going to hurt most. There is no way people are not going to get hurt by your decision, but you should try and minimize the number and the amount.

God Bless,

JL

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You have a great chance of a happy marriage and loving family, if you let it. The advice you have been given is great. Read it over and over. Also, read this whole site.

Have no contact with the om. None at all. If he wants contact, let him pursue it. However, it is vital that you and your husband be prepared emotionally to deal with that as a team. That means focusing on your marriage and your family. They come first. What OM does or doesn't do is out of your hands anyway.

Do you want your marriage? Don't think of the kids. Think of what YOU want. Do you love your husband? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? With him? If so then go for it. Jump back into life. Theses things happen, sadly all the time. Don't let the tail wag the dog. Put your energies into your marriage and your life and you and he together can handle whatever comes your way. He already knows that he is not the bio dad. He knows that man may want contact with the child. So deal with it together.

Go and have a picnic with your family and then have a romantic night with your husband. Worry about the legal aspects when you are served.

What is that saying: Today is the first day of the rest of your life....go for it. Don't waste a good day on the "what might happen". Enjoy today and deal with issues as they come up.

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I really needed to read these responses, it is so hard to think when you are in the middle of it all. As of today still NC with XOM, and I feel the "fog" slowly lifting. I am starting to put my feelings aside and see things more clearly.

Now, for those of you with experience on this, i have found H seems a bit distance these last few days. I am not asking questions, we haven't talked about it in a few days but could it be that he is second guessing his decision? is he waiting for me to say something? I don't want to rock the boat right now as I am just starting to think clearly but at the same time I wonder if perhaps he's had a change of heart?

I told him to visit this site but he is so busy with work, I doubt he will get a chance.

I am not sure how to even start a conversation right now. I guess i need to be convinced myself that my M is worth saving and that it can be done. I am just not there yet. I am still having doubts and I am still wondering if perhaps going our separate ways is what is best. Again, just thoughts in my head, not ready to say those words. At least I know one thing, the OM is keeping his word, he hasn't even tried C at all.

Where do I go from here? How do I get H to come here and learn about what we need to do if we want our M to make it? Maybe I am moving too fast and need to wait a little yet??

Thanks again to all your responses, I keep reading them over and over again.

B


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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McBecca,

I am glad to hear that you still have NC with other OM.
I will tell you that it IS THE LEAST PAINFULL way to go.

I thought thier was no way that I could give up OW.
I had this feeling of ENLIGHTEMENT that I felt "nobody understood". You may still chatch a glimps how I babbled on about it.I drove the ladies here nuts!

What helped me finnaly get my head out of my butt was this:
"MY W HAS THE EXCLUSIVE RIGHT AND OBLIGATION to fill my primary needs." I reliaze that I had not given her a fair shot at doing that.

I argued that I did, I felt I did, but when I really thought hard about it. I didn't. I had all kinds of reason I thought I was traped with a bad W.

Give your H a fair shot at filling your needs. There was a reason you married him. As far as the OM, it's wrong to start a relationship based on hiding and lies. Even if you are PG with his kid. Not only is it morally wrong, IT's JUST PLAIN NOT A GOOD IDEA EITHER. I know you know that. I knew it too.

To answer your last question. Run, don't walk to the book store and get a copies of "His/Her Needs", "Surviving the Affair", and my favorite "Love and Respect".

Hard to say which one to read first, they are all very good.

Fix yourself first and learn how you can to be a great W to him now. When he sees this for a while, it WILL motivate him to be better and avoid this problem in the future.

You CAN do this if YOU CHOOSE.

TH

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McB~

You need to go to your H and talk to him-- really talk to him. I believe he's waiting for you to come to him, because he's made it clear where he stands, but you've not done the same for him yet.

He's told you what he's willing to do girl!!!

A BH who has said he's willing to raise your OC as his own does NOT say something like for kicks and giggles. He's completely serious, and I don't think he'll turn from that, UNLESS he's pushed.

Do not let this lovely man get away.

If you keep just *waiting around* for the assurance of a recovered M, where you are in love with your H, it will never happen.

You have to take steps toward that. I don't have a crystal ball, and I sure can't gurantee you a recovered M, but if you don't start taking the steps toward recovery, I CAN guarantee you-- certain failure.

You don't even have to "feel" one single ounce of love for your H, (I didn't for my H when I made the committment to at least give the M a shot)... do what Jenny suggested, (I did)... "fake it till you make it".

How do you do it, and what does it mean?

DO all the things you think a woman deeply and madly in love with her H would do for him, and start doing those things, (modified of course to the things you know your H enjoys and needs).

When you start doing loving things.. generally loving things will be returned to you, and you will both start filling each other's love banks up like crazy.

Plus, when you DO loving things, the loving "feeling" follows close behind. I've experienced this first hand.

Please don't worry about tomorrow. You have way too much to do today.

Please don't worry about what you're going to tell or not tell your OC 5, 10, 15 years from now. Don't fret over how your OC may or may not react someday, and all the rest. Tigger's right, the day will come when you may have to deal with those issues, but that day is NOT today.

Today... Love on your kids with all your being, cuddle that precious baby and Thank God she's healthy, and rest in the knowledge your H loves your baby and YOU, and then do something about it.

Btw, a very wise man once told me on this board why he thought my H found it so easy to accept my baby.. and that was because OC's an extension of me, and my H really, really loves me, and couldn't help but love my baby too. See, I had to have a couple knocks to the head before I fully grasped it.

Lastly McB... you are not alone...

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McB,

Listen to AD, she has been there done that and got more than the tee shirt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He is waiting for you and the more he waits the more he is going to withdraw to protect himself. The man is hurting and he will only be able to stand the pain for so long before HE will have to do something.

Now you may be waiting for HIM to make the decision so you won't be "the bad guy" but that is a very very short sighted approach because you and your H do share two other children and you will be connect via them for the rest of your life or their lives.

Please listen to the people that have been where you are.

God Bless,

JL

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And McB... listen to everything JL has to say. You're one lucky poster to have him posting to you.

Because...

JL= aforementioned wise man.

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Now that the baby is here, I don't see how I can work on my marriage when this child reminds me of the OM every day. How do I do that?? and if I feel this way how can my H get over this ever? he says he has already and he just wants to raise my daughter as if she was ours. He never wants her to know about her biological father. Quote



Becka,

My married Aunt years ago, got pregnant from a one-night stand at a party where she got drunk.

I am sure she felt the same way you did about this.

She went to my other set of grandparents for advice on what to do.

I don't know what my grandparents told her, but I do know she is still married to her husband, her husband and her raised the other child, my cousin as their child. My cousin never knew that he was the product of his mother and an om.

My cousin is in his 40's now. He is the apple of both of their eyes.

He was their youngest child. His mother and father had three older children.

Of those children, only the OC child has a relationship with my Aunt and Uncle.

Tragedy followed their family, and they lost one son to suicide, one daughter to cancer, and one son to mental illness.

The only child that is left is their OC.

They love him dearly, as you can imagine.

Life can be tragic, but just think, if it wasn't for the OC, how empty life would be for my Aunt and Uncle.

All children are blessings from above.


k.d.'s heartbreak


In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.

Me, betrayed wife 46
Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005
28 years of marriage
DD 26, DS 24
O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living
Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
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McBecca,

I just wanted to see if you were still around and how you were doing? Please keep us posted as to what's going on. Right now, one of the best things you can do, besides working with your H to rebuild your M is to have your support system, and many times, we here at MB can provide that in ways you can't imagine. Hopefully you are doing well.


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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she's on GQII getting excellent comments from JL.

Pep

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McBecca Offline OP
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see my posts on the General board :-( having a hard time figuring out what to do. Frankly to say I am working on M is a lie, I am not there yet. I am still in the "fog" and worse yet, with doubts if my M is what I want. Really bad place to be in.

MC hasn't started yet, but hopefully I will have at least an appointment for an individual session this week. I am feeling so overwhelmed. Being new here in this area doesn't help either, I do have some friends who I keep in touch by email/phone that are thre for me right now and that helps. Of course, ultimately what I do is my decision.

Thanks again...
Becca


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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