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I do not know where to begin but I am so confused. My WW is running around on match.com, out every night, etc. I am just surprised that her parents, our children, her siblings, and cousins and some friends are ok with these actions.
No one is pushing her to the limit of marital values and what is right for the family. I am sure she is getting support from these people but all are married and knowing them how can they accept her behavior.
My best man in my wedding, his wife met some guy that she worked with, he found out, he was begged by his FIL to work it out at all costs. He paid for counseling, etc...
Now how come my IL grabbed her and put her under there wing and hide her. I am so hurt by this because they are always the ones to critisize not having family values.
I am losing my steam and stamina to keep fighting all the other people who are helping my WW. I am working on myself and feeling really good, but down at the same time.....
Any one???
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I with you on this, my IL are paying WW legal fees so she can fight for custody - not because I am a bad father, contrary I am a great father, since WW started in the fog I have taken care of the kids. But she wants to take legal action because she found out if we do 50/50 custody she gets less money. She wants me to fund her lifestyle 100%, but we are separated she wants a divorce but she also wants me to maintain her lifestyle.
So yes you will find people supportive of your WW, maybe they feel sorry, maybe they don't like you personnally, maybe WW has lied to them told them awful things about you.
It doesn't matter - what is your support group saying?
You have to have your own support group, you must not engage the enemy or the enemies camp in discussion of moral or social boundaries, I think once the S enter's the fog all their friends go with them.....
You focus on you, you focus in kids - DO NOT focus on her
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I am right there with you my friend. I want to propose something that has taken me a long time to come to grips with.
1. The "friends" supporting you WW's actions are not truly friends, they only care about how WW makes them feel, they are users. More importantly than that and in my case and perhaps yours I don't have any friends that would support any adulterous behavior on my part. This may say a lot about upbringing, morals, values, etc since we tend to hang around those that mirror us. My friends would beat the crap out of me for ****** around.
2. Her parents caved just like my IL's. I went to them for help and all I got was babble and ultimately complete disdain from people that told me that I was more of a son to them than there own adopted son. This all changed in a matter of seconds. This unfortunately tells me that I had way too much of a good opinion of these people. See where I am going with this...friends that would enable, parents that will cave and not hold accountable leads to a daughter, friend, spouse that can easily justify becoming wayward and quit at the first sign of trouble. It's what and who her friends, family, parents, are so why not her?
The opposite; my parents, my brother and myself had to deal with a situation like this w/ my sister about 7 years ago. No, her husband wasn't all he needed to be by a long shot but her didn't deserve to be cheated on with a loser. So, the short of it was; we emotionally supported my sister's husband througout all of this, confronted my sister and told her not to come to us for anything until she removed her head from her rear, this was all backed up by our parents and guess what, she was back home within 6 months and they now have two wonderful children together.
My point is there are all sorts of people and I am finding out more and more each day only a few of those mean what they say when the rubber hits the road.
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Viking,
My support group has the same reaction as I do, the WW is not the wife you chose, what are her parents blind?
I continue to focus on the children and me.
Last night she was asking me where I was and sent me voice mail and txt messages? I was with my neighbor, why does she care anyway.
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Hope,
great post, I have tears in my eyes because you took all my feelings and expressed them better than I could.
Look I know that my Ea with SIL was not good, I was able to stop it because i have integrity. I know that there are so many fish in the sea and deserve to be respected by my wife, but.......
Why do I put up with the family and friends doing or accepting this?
Do i look like a fool?
sometimes I feel that way....
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never,
One of the benefits(if you can call it that) of this adultery mess is that you can easily tell what family, friends etc. are really people of substance and integrity. Now I am not saying that you need to make these people choose between you or your WW but I would take every opportunity to emphasize that their actions or inactions reflect their own moral values.
But, and here is the BIG but, take a walk through memory lane and try to recall what YOUR position was when faced with the same decisions regarding infidelity. Did you idly pass it off as not being worthy of your attention or not your business? Were you trying to not get involved with someone else's personal life? Society reflects our attitude regarding so many aspects of every day life. Condemnation of adultery is almost absent in our society for this very reason. People just want to get along or be everybody's friend.
Off the soap box, I need to go to work.
Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle
You believe easily what you hope for ernestly
Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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CYM,
Love your first paragraph, I am seeing who is who and there moral values. It is amazing...
I supports my Buddy and his wife equally and was one of their biggest cheerleaders,. I think it takes a true friend to tell you that what you are doing is wrong.
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Amen!
The kind of friends I want:
I CHOOSE to be the kind of friend, parent, sibling, etc that has your best interests at heart and if they collide with what you are doing (and I don't give a damn how "good it makes you feel" for the moment) then you will get nothing but the truth from me, period. You may not come back to me for advice because my concern for you outweighs whether you are happy with me or like me, but by God in heaven you will hear what is in your best interests from every time whether you want to or not.
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Some people (sometimes I think most people) seem to think it's just too much trouble to do the right thing. A family story to illustrate this. A friend of mine divorced his wife many years ago because she repeatedly cheated on him. Now the daughter of this friend started an A with her H's brother. Her BH found out, and she decided to go and live with the brother. Their two small children are caught up in the middle of this. Her mother and the other family members accepted this, saying "you can't control who you fall in love with, can you?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> My friend (the WW's father in this case) is so sick about this all that he hasn't spoken to his daughter for 2 years. I can just imagine what X'masses are like in this family.. all because this silly woman gets enabled by some family members. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
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Great story BROWNHAIR;
There are few people when push comes to shove who will do the right thing.
I personally think a lot of the A's on this board are a result of childhood upbringing, instilling of principles or lack thereof, boundary breaking, etc. I think a lot of people are simply not happy with who they are, are weakminded, are too easily swayed or changed by emotion and entitlement. I believe a lot of this stems from upbringing.
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My son is 10... he doesn't even want to spend time with my ex WP's parents now because of the lies that they told and their role in the A. He has a strong moral compass and believes that when they apologize and admit their mistakes... he will want them back in his life... until then... they are the "enemy." It is a shame that a 10 year old has to hold adults accountable for their actions... but I am so very proud of him for not accepting anything less than honesty and integrity from those in his life.
"Do the right thing" is a favorite saying.
The motto of the other side is ... the past is the past... let's just let that go and look forward, not back! (I hate that!).
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It's all relative, isn't it?
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Never,
Blood is thicker then Water.
I had a little different sitch. Her friends and family have supported her justifications etc. causing hugh problems in recovery.
As long as a WS or a FWS has someone agreeing with the justifications etc it puts a big hurdle for you there.
I think the person that bothers me the most in this is my SIL who has supported all of the BS my FWW has spewed.
She is supposedly a very christian person. She obviously believes in forgiveness as long as I am the one forgiving. She watched my children so FWW could go out with OM after my FWW got kicked out of my Aunts house because of the OM.
Now after the fact whenever I did something like looking through my own home phone bill (which my FWW said was wrong) her sister agreed with her. Her sister must have had some suspicion, more then I did, about my FWW's actions but agreed I was wrong for looking at the bill.
So far I have not found one person that would say I didn't have a right to look at my own home phone bill except for her friends and family.
I don't know that they are users or anything else but I think sometimes people pick sides.
Your WW's family and friends have picked hers. When you pick sides what that means to me is you are willing to discard anything that may contradict what you are saying.
Funny thing is that these same people would want others to take their side if they were the BS.
I know that not one of my wifes allies would spew the BS they have spewed if they were the BS.
All I can say about these people is they are no longer a part of my life. I don't care to associate with people with such a skewed view of reality. Especially when that skewed reality has hurt the situation I am trying to recover from.
My FWW thinks I hate her friends and family. I said no I can't waste that much energy on someone like that.
They chose their was of dealing with helping US and that was to make life harder on me.
Funny thing is I had one friend I confided in that was not supportive of staying together and I don't talk with him much anymore. He was not a friend to my M.
So at least I live by my own values.
BS 38
FWW 35
D Day 10/03
Recovery started 11/06
3 boys 12, 8 and a new baby
When life hands you lemons make lemonade then try to find the person life hands vodka and have a party.
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Never,
Blood is thicker then Water.
[color:"blue"] This is very true and can't be overcome unless the family has very strong morals and values. [/color]
I had a little different sitch. Her friends and family have supported her justifications etc. causing hugh problems in recovery.
[color:"blue"] I have the same problem, MIL refuses to say anything but "If this is what makes you happy then go with it" and then she wonders why I will not talk to her or allow kids to talk to her. Kids are aware of sitch and think Grandma (their only grandparent alive.) is a fool.[/color]
As long as a WS or a FWS has someone agreeing with the justifications etc it puts a big hurdle for you there.
[color:"blue"]So true! [/color]
I think the person that bothers me the most in this is my SIL who has supported all of the BS my FWW has spewed.
She is supposedly a very christian person. She obviously believes in forgiveness as long as I am the one forgiving. She watched my children so FWW could go out with OM after my FWW got kicked out of my Aunts house because of the OM.
Now after the fact whenever I did something like looking through my own home phone bill (which my FWW said was wrong) her sister agreed with her. Her sister must have had some suspicion, more then I did, about my FWW's actions but agreed I was wrong for looking at the bill.
So far I have not found one person that would say I didn't have a right to look at my own home phone bill except for her friends and family.
[color:"blue"] It's your phone bill why wouldn't you want to check and see if phone Co is ripping you off or if WS is calling OP? [/color]
I don't know that they are users or anything else but I think sometimes people pick sides.
[color:"red"] Inaction or indecisivieness is picking sides as well. If you know someone is doing or about to do wrong you have a moral responsibility to tell tehm it's wrong and also warn their victim(s). Saying nothing is giving TACIT approval to their actions. [/color]
Your WW's family and friends have picked hers. When you pick sides what that means to me is you are willing to discard anything that may contradict what you are saying.
Funny thing is that these same people would want others to take their side if they were the BS.
[color:"blue"] YUP [/color]
I know that not one of my wifes allies would spew the BS they have spewed if they were the BS.
All I can say about these people is they are no longer a part of my life. I don't care to associate with people with such a skewed view of reality. Especially when that skewed reality has hurt the situation I am trying to recover from.
My FWW thinks I hate her friends and family. I said no I can't waste that much energy on someone like that.
They chose their was of dealing with helping US and that was to make life harder on me.
Funny thing is I had one friend I confided in that was not supportive of staying together and I don't talk with him much anymore. He was not a friend to my M.
[color:"blue"] My WWs best friend knew of the A almost from the start, never said a word because she doesn't like me. So when I also made no contact with her best friend a boundary she was livid. However she does understand that her best friend is NOT A FRIEND OF OUR MARRIAGE, and that is why she is no longer in our circle of friends.[/color]
So at least I live by my own values.
"Never argue with idiots or WSs, They just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience"
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This is so crazy, how can recovery occur?
Will she ever want to recover with me, even when she tells me that she is not getting back with me?
How can she date other people?
I told her to divorce me if that is the case, but she doesn't have the money. She can live her life because we are legally separated.
I am having a really bad day and i am so lost, it hurts badly,
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It's all relative, isn't it? MEDC, sorry, I didn't mean to direct it to you specifically, it was a general comment/question. But since you said "nope" in answer to the question, I guess the next question would be; "If not, Why not?"
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So your legally separated then get on with your life, start Plan B and go very dark.... you said she called and asked where you were... well she wants to control you, take the control away, she will start her desecent to the bottom.
ALL WAYWARDS have to hit bottom - the bottom for some is bottomless but others they do hit and usually see the light.
Mine is still falling and needs to pick up some steam, and the friends she has have only known her for 2 years so they are buying a lot of BS she is saying and they all have men issues in their lives so they think they can justify it.
Also since the OM in you WW eyes is prince charming friends will think he prince charming as well, until he changes his colors and shows his trueself.
Has anyone ever had the supporting friend of the Wayward turn on them and join your side???
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When my WH confessed his A to me and left, my MIL told me how sick she was about it and that she would do anything for us to get back together. I found out that around the same time she and my SIL went out to dinner with my WH and the OW. I just recently found this out and I was devastated. If WH and I ever do get back together, I can't imagine things ever being the same with my MIL & SIL.
BW: me, 38;
WH: 38;
Married 16 yrs;
Together 19 yrs;
D-Day 11/06/05;
WH moved out 11/06/05;
OW was co-worker;
False recovery for 2 month
D-Day #2 3/09/06
A is ongoing
WH told me "It's over" 8/7/06
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Well I think recovery with the WS is just part of it you need to establish a recovery process with the otherside (friends/family) or your recovery will not work
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