My pathetic story… am I even worthy of love? I met this great guy then ignored my later gut feeling and married him after much pressure. I got pregnant on our honeymoon. A few months later, he had been handling the bills and I found a credit card bill of mine sorely neglected, that he said he’d paid. That was the beginning of 15 years of poor financial management, that at times I tried to take over and manage myself, but he found ways around me.

In year three (I think) a friend of his came to visit and he pressured me into inviting this man into our bed. I relented – denial and confusion buried my feelings. A year or two later, we went camping with another of his friends and he did the same thing. My defenses were weak then. I protested, but not as much as the first time. His financial irresponsibility continued as did his involvement with pornography. Part of my problem was related to hating his porn and trying to be enough for him to not want it. He lied about it, hid expenses related to it, hid tapes, etc., all in response to my protests. Needless to say, whatever love we had quickly deteriorated, although I had grown comfortable with it all. I had no passion for him, but I was affectionate. I grew to hate his affection, because it was always a move for sex. We had another child and I was tired all the time.

Then he dropped a bomb – he was giving up his career for nothing else and moving us across the country. I protested the logic of that, but lost again. He demanded and I relented. Then he remained unemployed for a long period of time and we quickly used up his retirement money. I started school before the move to help out with a transition, knowing he wasn’t happy in his career, then began school again a year after the move. This is now 6 years into our marriage. He worked halfheartedly and I think he was shocked at the lack of response to his work applications. He only made about $500 every other week for less than a year at this job. He also had sex with a male friend – the first one he brought into our bed. Then we decided to move again, to a place we believed would offer more opportunity. I had to beg him to go look for a job after two months there. I was 4 months from being done with school. He finally found a job and worked for a year and a half before quitting – as soon as I got a full-time job in my new career (I knew he would quit as soon as I was working).

All this time he quit paying child support for his two daughters from his first marriage (he was long since divorced when I met him), so when he finally finished school himself (he already had two years, so he finished quickly) and finally got a job, they garnished his wages so that his paychecks were only about $350 every other week. So, I kept going to school, hoping that my earning ability would outpace his irresponsibility. Low and behold, as soon as he had paid down half of the $35,000 (no exaggeration) in past due child support and interest and reduced his garnishment so that he was finally bringing home about $750 every other week, he began an affair with a subordinate, who is so very happy to indulge his sob stories about his evil wife, me.

I should also say, during this time he inherited a house – quite the windfall. Due to no health insurance and huge garnishments, we financed and refinanced our home. Thank God this all happened during a business growth cycle and our equity grew considerably, because that’s all there is left - equity. I’ve been working full time since the second move, yet he believes that I nickeled and dimed his inheritance to death. I can honestly say I never spent more than I earned and the tattered condition of my own clothes is testament to my frugality. What else could I have done than what I did? What control really did I have? I was trying to survive and raise two children!

A year before he found this latest affair, he contacted an old school friend – a woman, who was (and probably still is)unhappy in her own marriage (but her husband is faithful). He invited her to come visit and encouraged the two of us to make friends, which we did. I found out later that she flew in two days earlier than he said and he had sex with her in her hotel room. During the weekend he pressured me into letting her into our bed. Again, I relented. I kept hoping he would get these fantasies out of his system. He tried to get us together sexually, but I couldn’t bring myself to it. The thought made me sick. Then, a year later he finds his now girlfriend and we’re getting divorced after me fighting to keep my family for three years. Why three and why fight for this man at all? Because, I hoped I could save him from himself. He exhibits every sign of an addiction, only there’s no drug or bottle or intoxication – he’s addicted to porn as further evidenced by his computer activities. And now his new girlfriend is giving him every reason to remain in denial. During this three-year affair, he pressured me into having sex with others again, which I did, but finally realized nothing would ever be enough and I told him I would not do that ever again, even if it meant losing him. So, there’s hope for this ditsy girl, right? I’ve been in counseling regularly since then, to learn why I am so afraid of rejection or being alone that I would stoop to giving myself to other people for his sexual pleasure. He had sex with other people too, by the way. He didn’t just sit around and watch. The really sad thing is I’ve tried to tell his girlfriend that her boyfriend has done this behind her back and she doesn’t believe it – she believes I’m crazy.

I filed for divorce and he won’t leave. I don’t have the money to fight to get him out and I can’t afford to pay the bills myself, so I have to live with him. Actually, he lives in the guest room. He comes and goes whenever he wants, pretty much. He’s impressed upon my younger daughter something, I only know that she has grown very hostile toward me. My older daughter wants nothing to do with him. People keep telling me he’s crazy. I think he’s trying to prevent losing two more children like the first two he abandoned and that’s the reason he stays. I’ve never heard of a person having an affair and not leaving to go be with the person they’re having the affair with. So, here I have to live with the pain of this never-ending separation. It seems lawyers can only do so much. I feel like I’m losing my mind. How can a person be so cruel as to continue to have his affair right in front of you? I would feel terrible if I found myself in his position and I would take steps to minimize the damage.

Am I really so terrible? He has told me that I withheld physical affection – during the affair I gave him as much as he wanted and then some, but it was never enough. I tried to replace his porn. I tried to be anything a man could ever want in a million years (and I got lots of positive feedback – so it’s not like I’m not talented, if you know what I mean). Nothing was enough. Then he began picking on other things. It was as if once I’d proven that I would and could meet one need he stated, he would come up with another one. I began to think of it as the flavor-of-the-month reason to get divorced. The third year, I should say, he became expert at hiding his affair all the while making me believe that it had ended – I think that was his way of making the competition between me and his girlfriend fair. I never believed it was over and finally found the proof, then filed for divorce. The last ‘reason’ he gave for me not being good enough to ‘win’ this battle was that I had no passion. He’s dead right about that. I’ve got nothing left. I should also say that I tried a plan B, but there was nowhere I could go and nothing I could afford and he has steadfastly refused to leave. Church people didn’t help, friends… what friends? I was too busy surviving for too many years to form any friendships deep enough to ask for this kind of help. So, my plan B was no verbal communication whatsoever except via email and we traded weeks caring for the kids. As you can guess, it did little - he came back around after only three or four days, but always went back to his girlfriend.

Eventually he lost his job due to the impropriety of his affair – at least that’s what he told me. I don’t know what to believe anymore. The worst part of his irresponsibility… Now that I am finally in my career and making more money than him, the burden of costs falls on me. I feel like a punching bag or like I’ve been ripped open from chest to abdomen and he keeps reaching in and ripping out my insides. When does this pain stop? And why do I care at all about it? Why am I not more thankful that this naïve woman has come along to save me from the monster I married? She must be naïve… who else would date a man who’s abandoned two families? She must think I am so evil to justify it to herself. That hurts – here I’ve been killing myself working full time and going to school full time to build a better life while he’s being irresponsible and destructive and what I get for it is huge bills and blame? Sometimes I think that God is so very angry with me for the sexual stuff and I feel like I’ll never pay enough of a price for him to want to bless me with a better life. How stupid was I to continue to give to this man? Really stupid - more stupid than his girlfriend. So maybe that’s my problem. I have discovered why I give so easily – the hard part is working against my nature. I am in counseling and won’t leave until I feel like I’ve ‘grown up’ in this regard. Otherwise, I fear I’m just as sick as him.

Is there any hope for this pathetic woman to have a future? Who will want me after what I’ve done?

Thanks for listening.

Your actions define who you are. If you feel your actions and choices in life make you pathetic then you are pathetic. Afterall, who is the best judge of your character?

Solution...change your actions!

A poster on GQII a while back, one day proclaimed that he/she was no longer a WS (wayward spouse). Not true. One cannot change the past. What has occured has occured. Those actions helped to define who that person was and is.

The meat of this persons claim however, was that they would no longer permit those past actions to define who they were. They had been and would continue to make a genuine effort to restore their good name and character and their marriage.

You cannot erase your history but you can (to some degree) control your future through your choices and actions. If you do not like your position in life or the way people view you, then take the necessary steps to change it.

If you are not willing to take extraordinary measures to do so, then it's probably not all that bad to begin with.

Afterall, who is the best judge of your character?

Actually, I'll retract this question/statement. We are not the best judge of our own character. Those that we interact with are.