BTW, I think this is part of what GC meant when he said you need a plan.

Please get a lawyer, and find out what your rights are, and what your son's rights are. Find out what you can do, and what you can't do. What you can say, and what you should not say.

This is all part of protecting yourself until you know what will happen. Don't leave these things to chance.

SS

SS,

This IS what I stated to her is so many words. I am right there with ya. She is looking for justifications for her actions at this point. I am only taking responsibility for my failures in making her feel loved, not the separation, affair, etc.

What I really would like to know is what do you think of her offer to stay at our(my) house for two weeks with the boys while I travel abroad. Good move? Or am I missing something.

Thanks

Sorry I wasn't more clear.

I think you should ask the boys. Why have her come if they don't want anything to do with her right now?

Will she try to do damage control and fill their heads with falsehoods?

It could be good - but she may want them to go there instead, and having opened the door, it may be difficult to know where to go with it then.

Know your rights
Know the boys rights
See what the boys want

Go on from there.

(BTW, is the younger son already with her? I forget.)

SS

I would not let her in the house. Yeah, that puts you in a bad position. How do you say no? And do you even want to?

Here's a little tale from my own past. In no way should you take it to mean that I think your situation is the same as mine was. You should, however, consider the perspective I have on the circumstances. I fought divorce all the way. I'm divorced. It's been a couple of years.

When my wife walked away, she hadn't f*cked OM yet. She had definitely fooled around with him and obviously had decided on her plan, but I wasn't in on it. The way she described the situation was, she wasn't feeling anything for me, she needed some time on her own to get herself together, see a counselor, figure out where she wanted her life to go. Why not believe this? She was considered by most people who knew her to be a sweet, thoughtful, decent person. She was considered by me to be a wonderful girl who would never deliberately hurt me. For ten years we'd shared a happy life together. We were best friends.

Her way of portraying the circumstances was all very noble-sounding: the almost-affair had just opened her eyes to some things, and she needed to get everything straight.

Fast forward a week or two.

It must have been in the middle of the day while I was at work when she brought OM into our house and had intercourse with him in our bed.

Why would they do this? They had places they could go! He'd left his family. She'd left me. Each of them had a place to stay. I thought my W at least had enough decency to keep whatever she was doing out of my home.

More than likely, it was 1. Private, and 2. Convenient. That was all it took.

I didn't find out about it until several weeks later. I was sitting on the bed when I found out.

Maybe I make too big a deal out of it. It's not like they left radioactive material under my bed.

This dilemma is one of the things you get for letting her stay on the fence. Everything gets stickier and harder to navigate.

GC

GC, it is so hard to understand the things people will do. Sorry about your situation. It does sound very very similar........
I doubt they go "all the way" for awhile. She has been fighting off a severe infection. This started about a month or so ago and she can't seem to knock it out. I got the call from her OBGYN a few days ago. She did let me know it is a severe staph infection and they have her on 500mg of antibiotocs four times a day. The other stuff couldn't knock it out...I know this would stop her from anything of the sorts, but as soon as it clears.... who knows.
My feelings are she is getting deeper and deeper in the fog right now.
She works as a victim advocate for a DA. So that means she has plenty of lawyer co-workers and freinds. I am sure they are giving her all kinds of advice.
Wishing the fog would clear, but preparing myself for the worse. I keep thinking that the stress and crying she has been doing over the boys might wake her up. I know, wishful thinking.....
Both boys have stayed with me sense the separation. I am logging daily everything that happens.
If she decides to file, I will not fight for anything other than the boys and our financial well being. The stress of this is way too much for me to continue much longer. I am already getting to the point where part of the time I am thinking to keep going for the family, and part of the time I still love her, then again let's just get this thing over. Watching my son hurt sure is working on me.

Do we tend to see WS go deeper into the fog as reality around them pounds on them? Mine seems to go deeper into the fog, as her finances are a mess and her plans beyond going to see the OM next week are unclear. She is starting a job but iam not sure how long that will last and I am not sure if she will even like the schedule they give her... its a pharmacy tech at a target.

Sometimes doing maximum damage to the marriage is the more natural and easy route. It's what their emotions are leading them to anyway, and it takes away all the uncertainty.

In the last face-to-face conversation I had with my W, she said,

"At least you get to feel good about yourself."
"So could you," I said.
"No," she said. "I don't know why you'd want me anyway."

She couldn't wait for me to get on board with the divorce and give her some relief. She'd checked out many weeks ago by then, and I'm sure my insistence that I didn't want a divorce was just annoying.

Once I read an interview with a woman who'd cheated on and divorced her husband, married her affair partner, and finally got divorced from him.

When asked "Was there ever a time you regretted your affair?" she answered something like this:

"There was never a time when I didn't regret my affair, but as soon as I went to bed with OM I knew I was going to get divorced."

They're probably relieved when they get past what they imagine to be the point of no return.

GC

That's a good question. I have no experience so I am guessing. I think once they move out, the easy access to the OP makes the fog thicker, at least for awhile.
You would think that the unhappiness associated with the reality of split family and finances and stuff would wake them up. In my case, it isn't happening.

Well, I received an email from my WW this morning. She is filling for divorce. Arg. Boy that didn't take long.

I'm sorry as he!! Rob. What's your lawyer telling you?

GC

Thanks GC. I hate joining the D club. Because I currently have custody of the boys and what she has related to me as far as property division goes, there is not much to do but wait for the papers. Then I will have 20 days to respond.
I guess it is a wait and see what she is asking for then decide situation.

So now I guess I have to let the boys know. This will be hard. The youngest plays in band at a local HS football game tonight, so I think I will wait until after that.
This stuff really sucks.

I am very sorry to hear this. God be with you and your boys and may he set your wife straight. I hope others here (the pros) will join in and maybe shed a little light on what your wife may do next. Things like what they have seen from other WW. I don't know you, but I feel for you and I have to believe that your wife still oves you somewhere deep inside.

Best wishes,
maybe2late

Thanks Maybe,

It is just such a bizzare situation. My family cannot beleive the things she is doing. My sister called awhile ago and she was remembering on how she used to brag on me so much and tell her I was her soul mate.
I think us BS's are in a fog of our own. We are so hurt and hopeful that we cannot see what is happening clearly. Others who have posted knew what was the likely outcome from this A, but I always hoped that it was not real.
Even now, I still have hope that she will wake up from the fog. I keep hopeing that the OM will do something to open her eyes.
All one can do in this situation is take care of themselves and the kids. The stress is so constant that I know it is not healthy. I think only time will help.
Not looking forward to telling the boys.

Well I sat my boys down and told them of the email I received from my WW. They seemed to take it well. My S17 eyes were red and wet but he didn't respond. My S15 seemed Ok. I told them that she still loves them and wants to spend time with them. That I still love her. We will just try our best and help each other out. After I cooked dinner I checked on S15. He was talking to her. He called her. Apparantly he told her how angry he was and hung up on her. Then he called her back. He let her know just how he felt. He is the one that she has been really doting on because he seemed to be the most supportive of her and he is a very sweet kid. When he got off the phone he cried, I held him and told him I was so sorry. This is the first emotions I have seen from him regarding this. Checked on S17 and he had left! I had to take S15 to the HS. Finally S17 answered his phone, he had gone to a freinds house. whew.

On the trip to the HS S15 told me that she didn't seem to care, he asked her to reconsider, he said she said she would(right), and then she started crying.
This is such awful stuff to put kids through.

By no means do i want to thread jack but do you tell a 5 YO the same thing? about the difficulty mommy and daddy are going through?

Your boys are a few years from flying the roost. It seems that they know whats the score. Especially that you are trying to make it work.

Only God know the future. you focus on the now(trying to tell myself that too).

God be with you through this trying time.

nc
I really don't know what the right thing to do is. I did not want to tell my kids anything at all. My WW, on the advice of her IC, wanted to let the kids know we were "having problems" and get their reaction to a possible separation. Don't know what kind of response she expected, but it was exactly how I thought they would react given their personalities and maturity level.
Others on this board suggest exposing the A to the kids. Again, I won't do this. I do not think it would have changes the outcome and they would not understand the dynamics of it.
Of course once she separated, and now filed for D, I have to discuss what is happening. The kids do not care in the least what the problems were in the marriage. They only care about how the problems are being resolved and how it affects their world. Understandable.
My WW is blaming me for their reactions. My S17 is very angry with her. Saturday night was another awful night. He called her and they started arguing. As I was dropping off S15 at a friends house, S17 called me crying telling me WW hung up on him. Then she text message me letting me know what effect that telling him about property division etc was having on him.
I text'd her back letting her know he was still crying and it wasn't about property division and to please not blame me for his hurt and anger.'
The kid is reaching out to her, but he is so angry and hurt, and she thinks it is my fault.
NC, I really don't have an answer for you. Just try and take care of the kids the best you can. Try to keep them out of the middle.

thank you.

I know it has to be rough on you .........but you know what?............You are so much stronger than you think you are. You are ........You could have retaliated on so many levels and you choose to take the brunt of the pain and sheild your offsprings from the devastating effect of having your M unravelling.

Mark my words.......she WILL one day Regret this.....they always do.

Funny though.You seem to have become more like Jesus in your attitude and actions.

Good for you ..make you a better man , Just like the Creator intended.

I salute you.

You are a hero in my book.

nc, thanks very much for the kind words.
Having an ex regret their actions is not much of a consolation prize when it becomes too late. I suppose it would be nice to know when or if they do, but it really doesn't matter much to me at this point.

Take care of yourself.

At least live for your sons. They need you now more than ever OK?. Hey who knows maybe i will definitely need input from you soon.

Look....even at your darkest time.you must know that this wont last forever right?

Teach your sons that by your example then.

Hey i am praying for you......Go with God.

Hey nc, I didn't realize you are in Jamaica. The company I work for is having a cruise in December. I will be on your island for a day! Last years cruise I had my WW with me. Looks like this year I will be single. Makes the formal dinner night kinda weird.