robm:

So, you have told your sons that you and your W are having "problems" and that's why she's moved out and filed for DV??

Tell them the truth. That she moved out so she could continue her adulterous affair without your interference.

Witholding this kind of information is a "lie of omission." You should know this.


nc. Your W has not left you. Your son is only 5 years old. The purpose of exposure is 2 put an end 2 the A. The OM getting married in a month will put one helluva damper on it! So there isn't a need 2 tell your son about the A, which would require you explaining a concept that he can't likely understand at this age, anyway.

robm, your sons are old enough that the should be told the truth. They might even be able 2 help. My daughter thanked me for telling her about my W's A. She was 23 at the time. My son was 15 at the time, and "sensitive and sweet" like you describe your 15 yr-old. He knows we've been having problems (the shouting matches after d-day made it pretty obvious), but he doesn't know about the A. But my W never left 2 be with RM, and he remarried last year.

If my W were 2 have another A, or rekindle that one, I would tell both kids about it.

If you don't want a divorce, stall as long as you can (wait the whole 20 days). Also, work with your lawyer and make sure you don't negotiate away anything, particularly custody.

-ol' 2long

2long,

I know she had an affair(she still denies it was one because they did not go all the way) We know that she still is by her behavior. But I still do not have any concrete evidence to support that sense D-day.

I just found out today that the OM moved his practice(optometry) to another city sometime ago. She told me he lived in the city in which he had a practice and got divorced a year ago. All the records I could find still showed him there. The city he moved to was the one where she conviently went shopping at the malls every saturday for about a month back in July. Boy do I feel stupid.

Good advise on the lawyer. I will see about waiting the full 20 days. I hope she doesn't go for the jugular and try and turn this into a nasty situation. Sense the separation the blame shifting has gotten worse to remove the guilt. She is getting more upset because I won't accept it.
Not looking good at this point.

Then tell them what you know, and no more. Tell them that all signs point 2 an ongoing affair - EA so far as you know, but possibly PA if she saw him every sa2rday.

Tell them that it is your goal 2 save your marriage and keep your family 2gether because THAT is the right thing 2 do, not condoning her poor behavior.

-ol' 2long

Very tempting 2long. And you are probably right. Maybe I should had done that sometime back. But this Friday she will go over property division and custody stuff with her lawyer. I don't think this is the right time to piss her off royally. I do have to think about what is best for me and the boys in the long run too.

I hope that you are going for primary physical custody of the two boys and allowing only visitation for her? And, plan to have her pay child support for them? Have they said who they want to live with?

The boys have stayed with me sinse the separation. My S17 says he will not step foot in her house and is still angry with her. They have not talked for a few days. The S15 (nearly 16) does not want to go there, but he would for his mom(sometimes). He is a very nice and compassionate boy to his mom. We have lived in our house 12 years and that is their home....and where they want to stay.
I can't see her trying to get S17 over to her place, I am sure she would like S15 to stay some.
She told me she does not want me to pay alimony or her child support. OF course that is before several meetings with lawyers so I won't know what she will ask for until I get served.
I am sure she is working on S15. She will pick him up from band sectional practice tonight and bring him home.

robm

just saying that i am here for you. In case you come December let me know when. Who knows? maybe i can hook you up and see some good spots....It would really be cool to see a fellow MBer. Pics and all.

Do your boys good. Send em greetings from Jamaica for me.

One Luv.

Don't think of it as you pissing her off. Recognize it for what it is, because she can't: Your disclosure of her manipulative ACTIONS are what's pissing her off, and so it's her CHOICES that are 2 blame, not your choice 2 try 2 save your family.

Is it fair 2 your sons 2 be caught in the middle of this? For the 15 yr-old 2 find he's agreed 2 "support" her affair by not being told enough about what's going on 2 be able 2 make an informed decision on his own regarding where he wants 2 live or visit?

In all probability, she will ask for the moon. Or her lawyer will. You need 2 do the same. Start with EVERYTHING in your favor. Don't begin negotiations with any 50/50 nonsense when you weren't the one wanting 2 separate in the first place.

Stand firm for your marriage and your family.

-ol' 2long

man 2long you are suggesting go for the jugs.

I agree . probably the 15yo needs to know.

the final decision is yours though.